Entry four

Well, it's the beginning of a new day...I haven't figured out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Basically everything has gone as usual, though the knowlegded that Heero actually cried on my shoulder, seemed to be written all over my face. But then again, if Heero had confided in any one of them, they would be shocked to know that the strongest out of all of us, had been redused to a new born kitten, within a matter of mere seconds.

As for finishing my discussion with Heero... well, I wish I could say that we had finished it. Heero now seems to be avoiding myself, as well as Wufei. I guess he feels embarassed that both Wufei and I knows that he had allowed himself to drop his guard. I feel sorry for him; being trained to be a cold-blooded killer seems to be the only thing that Heero remembers... at least that's how far he got before Wufei had walked in on us- that almost makes it sound like Heero and I were sneaking around...been there, done that, didn't work. I really believe that Heero feels that he has to be the strongest all the time, and the fact that I- of all people- redused him to tears, might have brused his ego...a lot.

Not only is Heero avoiding me, but so is Duo and Wufei. I'm not sure what is going on, or why they are doing this. I know when I'm not wanted around, but this doesn't feel like that... I don't think. As for Trowa...well, he's drifted into utter silence, and won't even allow himself to say 'hello' in the morning. I think that I might have stired up some horrible memories for Trowa, because he absoutly insists that it's too cold.

I can certainly understand Trowa's agony; but, I can't force something out of him. If he wants to confide in me, as Duo, and Heero have, then he'll have to do it because he wants to; not because I forced it out of him. I know how pathetic that makes me sound right now; but, unfortunatly, it's the truth, and right know it's a little pathetic.

This afternoon I was alone in the study...a place that I'm often alone in. The loneliness doesn't bother me anymore...it gives me time to think. But it's the things that I do think about, that bother me the most. If I had any wish in the world that I could use on myself, it would be to be liberated from the things that I think about, that turn into fact, from fiction. I would love to be freed from the truth; though most people try to hide it from me... like Heero for example. If I had a penny for everything he has tried to hide from me; I'd be rich...litterally.

By early evening, I again, found myself alone; only I had choosen to be alone this time. The others had attempted to give up avioding me. It doesn't necissarily work if you live with the people you try to avoid. I had choosen to be alone, so I could think about the things that needed to be thought about; like what Heero was getting at... between the sobs and the innane gibberish, Heero had only said that he was sorry. For what? I'm not certain of; but I think that Wufei knows what it is. Personally I wouldn't be surprized if he did know what Heero was sorry for; but, if it is anything like what the rest of us is sorry for... then Heero would be in the same boat as the rest of us, and not as alone as he might think.

Later on, I had found myself wandering in the hallways and somehow, I had ended up in the music room, where I had the piano placed. I sat at the piano, and touched the keys. Soon after that I found myself playing one of the songs that I had written in my spare time. Between work, and my life, there isn't much time left, and with the time that I do have left, I write my songs. I usually find Duo here, writing lyrics for them, sometimes Trowa...on the odd occation.

But as I sat there playing the song, the others slowly herded to the music room. I knew that they loved the music I played... it was soothing, and slow enough for them to understand the feeling in the music. They would never admit to it, but I know that they understand the feeling behind each note...not like I plan every note, I just play with the keys, and wait for a tune to arrive through my finger tips.

Within a few minutes they were all in the music room, swaying slightly to the slow, beautiful beat. The notes seemed to be flying out of my finger tips. I closed my eyes, and I could see the notes and the feeling behind them...they were crying; just like the rest of us...yes, this was a song about them. Their souls and hearts cried and this just allowed me to tell them that I knew it.

They didn't know this; but, in the middle of the night I could hear them cry. The slight, soft sobs that escape their mouths, always ended up reaching my ears...one way or another.