Entry seven

It has now been a month since I last spoke to Heero about his past. It seems to me that he is now withdrawing himself from the rest of us, which isn't uncommon for Heero; but, something about his disassosiation bothers me. I can't quite put my finger on it; but, I'm certain that it can't be that bad, considering that Heero usually isloates himself from the rest of us at this time of year.

As for the nightmare- which is an understatement, I might add- has not re- occured in my dreams lately, which is a breath of relief for Duo and I.

Trowa and Wufei seem to be now walking on eggshells whenever they are around myself and Duo; I think that they believe that we are somehow connected mentally. Which wouldn't be entirely a lie; but, not entirely true either, since I have a connection with all of them...they just don't know it.

Yesterday was quite a welcoming day for myself. I had visited my sisters for the first time in two years...and by that I mean by myself, with out the others coming with me. Now I love them and all; but, I would like to visit with my family every now and again without them having to come with me all the time.

My sisters agreed that there might be something 'wrong' with Heero. I insisted that Heero was fine, and whatever was going on with him, I was confident that he could get through on his own, without any trouble. But the fact that I had redused him to tears a couple of months ago, worried me.

That afternoon I returned home, to find that Heero had left to visit someone...who I'm not sure of; probably Releena, since he usually ends up there when he isloates himself from the rest of us. When I walked into the front foyer, I heard Trowa call out to me from the music room. He had the CD player on, and he was listening to Mozart...I guess he likes his music...it's soothing to the mind sometimes.

I walked into the room and Trowa was sitting on the couch. He motioned for me to sit down, and I did...'would this be the time that Trowa confides in me about his past?' I thought to myself, as I stared into his hurtful gaze. I could feel the pain in his heart...it was overwhelming.

Trowa stared at me for the longest time before he got up and turned down the music. He remained in a frozen possition in front of the CD player, with his back turned to me. He began to whisper softly about his past. 'The path of a warrior is paved with blood, which taints the heart, and weakens the soul.' Trowa whispered, as he turned to me. He then went on to decribe how he felt after each meaningless, sorrowful battle.

I could certainly understand Trowa's pain; but, his went deeper than mine, considering that he had come from a past full of battles, and loose/loose situations. Trowa went on to describe all the things he had seen, or heard while he was in the mercenary corps, back when he was just a kid. All the things that happened to him, the things that could only haunt the dreams of a teenager, haunted the dreams of a mere child of ten...how tragic. The pain Trowa experienced as a child, and into the war, paled in comparision to my own pain.

Now that I think of it, I can't justify that I've experienced the pain that they went through. The pain that I know is merely a pebble in comparision to the bolders and mountains that have been placed in front of me.

Trowa's past was truely tainted with blood, the torrments, and the endless screams that he hears in his mind everytime the subject of 'war' comes up. No wonder he had ameisa...his mind was trying to protect him from the things that drove him insane...and I somehow managed to bring him back from that protection. It's like I pulled a baby from the breast of his mother. I feel so guilty now...I could I have done such a thing...and to the one that I love.