I do not think I have told you just how proud I am of you Arwen. What a wonderful young she-elf you have grown into.
You have always been helpful and kind and you have a loving heart as well.
Now lest you think I am just being a mother who sees no wrong in her children---you are right!
But in your case my love, I have had little reason over the years to be angry, upset or disappointed in you (and that goes for the twins as well actually).
You were a good student and your father always found you to be an apt pupil when he was teaching you about healing. And the twins even complemented your skills on separate occasions telling me that you were a fair shot with a bow and decent with a sword.
And I have always enjoyed your embroidery. I still have that quilt you made me just as you turned 50.
And the Tengwar sampler is still here in my solarium.
And your singing....ah...well. Like I have said, some day, some elf is going to find himself the lucky holder of your heart!!
Of course as a young she-elf becoming an adult you had your sulks and megrims. We all do.
I can think of several evening meals that you took behind the door of your room angry with me, your father, your brothers---the whole world.
I went through similar emotional periods as I grew up. I am afraid I gave Mother and Father quite a scare once as I left my flet and wandered the far edges of the Golden Wood on my own---angry at them---well, angry at everyone.
I had taken nothing practical with me to keep off the elements or even to start a fire with. I had just gone off angry at something Amme had said to me or asked me to do...I cannot recall which it was...but whatever it was, I was so furious, I just marched out of Mother's study and kept on going.
I did not even stop and get a cloak!
Finally I came home ashamed and dirty AND with a sprained ankle after several days.
It was late at night and there was a lovely full moon. I crept up into Mother and Father's flet (the guards startled but letting me go with out raising the alarm that I had been found). I stood for a moment at the entrance of their bedroom, and even from the doorway I could see tears on my Mother's cheeks as she lay nestled in my Father's arms. Oh how bad I felt Arwen!! I stifled a sob and crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around my Ada's broad back and he awoke and silently turned and put his arms around me. Amme awoke too and eventually, after some conversation and many tears, I slept between them, the three of us together.
We all slept well that night. And Arwen, I was a she-elf of 35.
They never chastised me for my show of spirit.
And I never did anything like that again.
I do remember a time when you did something similar.
You know, the time you took your mare Bellingala and rode off into the northern woods. And it took the perimeter guard, your father and brothers days to find you. In a cave, soaking wet from the previous day's rain, your dress torn and your hair all in a tangle.
And when you saw your father and I and burst into tears, well my heart was so full.
I was so relieved. I did not want to lose you to youthful indiscretion....
It was terrible, believe me Arwen.
If you should have a daughter, give her a chance to kick up her heels and be contrary. It is good for the soul sweetheart. I can only hope she does not run off!
Even though you may worry your skills as a mother have failed you.
What I also remember fondly is your first big feast with dancing.
And we had invited Thranduil and Legolas to visit.
The two of you made a lovely couple, I must say.
And you thought he was just the most handsome young elf you had ever seen. Though as I recall there were a couple of young elves in the Guard that you were very fond of too for while.
And I also recall that he was quite taken with you. Even though Thranduil had told your father and I that Legolas was more interested in archery than young she-elves....
You both got on together quite well during the Mirkwood elves' visit.
Riding, picnicking and even some archery.
You told me one afternoon while Thranduil and Legolas were off hunting with your father and the twins that you liked Legolas. He was quiet and had a nice laugh.
And as the years passed, your father and I assumed you would make Legolas your choice.
So I was not surprised when a few years later, you took me aside that summer day and poured out your heart to me regarding the Prince, well I remember telling your father, and how we both could not wait for the two of your to officially announce your betrothal.
But it was not to be.
And though you explained it to me very logically and calmly, I have always wondered if there was something more.
I will not (and I have not) pried into your heart on this matter because indeed it is solely a matter between you two.
I am glad that at least you and Legolas have always remained friendly and polite. We do not need any more enmity between the Woodland Realm and ourselves. Thranduil has been ever prickly and quick to take offense.
I have been surprised what with your many visits to naneth's, you have not come home to tell me some young elf has caught your eye. Do not guard your heart so close that you do not allow yourself to open up to someone.
You have been very silent about love these last years. And I know I have tried to talk to you about this, but you have always politely turned the conversation to another path. I respect your silence my Arwen. But I just wanted to say here, that I have noticed it, as has your father.
We both just want you to be happy.
And with whomever your heart says is your choice, then we will have to be happy with it too, no matter what.
The love your father and I have for each other, dear heart, just got stronger as time moved on. We have always felt so bound to each other, so wrapped in our love that one without the other would wither away.
But now I am so uncertain of my path right now...my heart is so weary my love, I do not know what I can do. The energy to keep alive, much less burn with love and affection has drained from me like water into the hot Southern sands.
And though I am trying to be strong, I wish to be strong, my strength, my hope has flown away...even in the light of your father's unwavering heart and all you children and your affection...
This is very hard for me my Arwen. I cannot make it clear here perhaps (and I know I have not made it clear to your father) why I feel myself disconnecting from the life and joy of Middle Earth...the joys that I have written of on these pages...
Why they do not make me more happy, more willing to face the empty hollow in my soul.
It is I think, the fact, that if the world within me has gone to ashes...how can I really love and give comfort when my soul is blasted by horror....
I did not mean it to be blasted by horror...I tried so hard Arwen to fight this encroaching dark, dark pain and agony...but it has overwhelmed me like a sudden tide and I am drowning, unable to fight it...to rise above it....
I am not as strong as I thought, as your father has hoped. And though my dear love has indeed cured my physical wounds....his love, his attention have brushed up against the dark wall of my nightmare....and cannot break it...cannot burn through....
And though he holds me and loves me Arwen....I cannot respond as I have, as I remember....as I so want to....
My hope has fled my Arwen...and having no hope...is very, very close to having no life.....
I am sorry I got so melancholy when I started this entry talking about how proud I am of you!!
Forgive me!
I love you so my Arwen....
