It is a lovely day today Arwen. The wind tosses the branches outside the window here.

The light is bright and shines on this clean page before me.

The roses you brought me the other day still smell so lovely. Though a few petals have dropped.

Will they have such roses in Valinor? Perhaps I can take some with me......

My lunch sits to the side here.

I drank the broth, but the rest I cannot eat.

And I know I am thin and your father worries so.

Oh Arwen. I have been trying to tell you here all the things I could, to show you what a wonderful life you have had.

What a wonderful life I have had.

So much love, so many wonderful, wonderful experiences and memories.

Oh Arwen, to leave this all behind, I am sure you wonder how I can?

How?

I do not know Arwen. I just know I have to. For my own sanity. Each day it becomes harder and harder to get up.

The colors drain away as I stare at my gowns, at my gardens----at my beloved's face.

Oh and my Elrond---what I am doing to you!

He tries to love me Arwen. He does! And I try hard to love him back. But all I want to do is hide.

I cannot bear myself Arwen.

And though your father says nothing he must see, he must know how unclean I feel.

No water can wash it away.

No love can make me whole.

How could it? I am full of holes and horrors, love just leaks away.

My love for all of you has not gone away Arwen. It has not, I swear this!

It is just me. Me. I am broken and only in Valinor can I made whole, my love.

It is a no lack of love from you or the twins or your father or my parents. It is just me.

Oh Arwen, leaving is so so hard.

My heart it, it feels so hollow and cracked, like an empty vessel beyond repair.

The other night as I lay in your father's arms. I tried especially hard to return your father's love, his passion---

I could only lay there and let him love me. I want him to love me.

Your father, his heart is so big and he wraps me in it like the softest blanket. He then hides his pain behind his love (and work of course).

But I am not comforted. I feel a fraud when I put my arms around him. I do it because he needs me to.

Why Arwen, why do I not need it in return?

How can I abandon the love of the millennium?

How?

All the kisses, caresses, the joinings and I am dead to these now.

Please do not hate me Arwen.

I pray your father and brothers do not hate me.

Instead, pity me.

Remember me.

I shall be waiting in Valinor love---for all of you.

For all of you to come back to my arms, to my heart.

And burn bright.

Oh we shall all burn bright in Valinor my love.

It is my only hope.

I must rest.

Your father has come and stands at the window behind me.

I glance at his profile. His beautiful noble face. My love, my soul, my heart.

Oh Elrond.

Do not forget!

Do not abandon your love.

Abandon only your pain. Let it go and your life will be easier.

Arwen, I must go now.

We must discuss my trip to the Grey Havens.

It has come to this.

Can you read this through the blotches my tears have made?

But mark the path to the Havens well Arwen.

Someday you will take it too.

And I shall be there waiting, arms and heart open.

I will not speak of this again and close this journal with as much hope I can muster.

Bright hope for a love in your life---a love like your father and I share.

A mother's hope you will be happy and have delightful children.

And a woman's hope that you always remain strong.

I love you my Arwen

Until we meet again........

Your mother,

Celebrian