ÔShe livedÕ the thought echoes throughout my head and the world fades away into darkness. I can hear my name being called but the voice is coming from another world and is too far away, too distant for me to pay it much attention. The voice becomes louder and slightly more panicked. It demands to be heard and wonÕt let me ignore it. I am slowly being pulled back into reality, a reality which I do not wish to reenter for fear of the harsh truth that awaits me there, but I can not avoid it and so slowly I begin to wake myself. I am suddenly aware that someone is very near by, leaning over me. I open my eyes and see that it is Jack. I catch what is perhaps a concerned and panicked look in his eyes and for a split-second I am Laura again.
ÒIrina......Irina, are you all right?Ó I can hear the concern in his voice and there is something incredibly soothing and reassuring about it that makes me want to open up entirely to him. To tell him, no, everything is not all right, that IÕm tired, not just physically, but emotionally, I want to tell him that IÕm sick of the charade that my life has become and that all I want to do is stop being me, that all I want is my life as Laura back. But all IÕm able to bring myself to say is ÒYes, IÕm fineÓ. He looks back at me, obviously not believing what I have just told him. ÒYouÕre cryingÓ he says as though perhaps he can not believe it himself and it is then that I notice the steady stream of tears staining my cheeks. I look down for a second, suddenly unable to face him like this then I return my eyes to his, more tears forming, I am powerless to control them as the salty droplets cascade down my face. I find myself suddenly unable to speak, my voice lost in my throat, not knowing what I would say if I could speak. I am stuck, no longer Irina but unable to be Laura, I am stuck in a sort of limbo, no longer sure of who I am and completely powerless to stop myself from crying.
Being been totally unsure of how he would react I am surprised when he reaches out his hand and wipes the tears from my face with a movement which is incredibly soft. Then sitting down beside me he allows my head to rest on his shoulder. He shouldnÕt be doing this, I donÕt deserve kindness, especially not from him. But, perhaps selfishly, I donÕt really allow myself to think about it right now. Instead I just allow myself to lean into him and try just this once forget everything else that is going on, forget my past, forget the future, and just live in this one moment.
ÒIrina......Irina, are you all right?Ó I can hear the concern in his voice and there is something incredibly soothing and reassuring about it that makes me want to open up entirely to him. To tell him, no, everything is not all right, that IÕm tired, not just physically, but emotionally, I want to tell him that IÕm sick of the charade that my life has become and that all I want to do is stop being me, that all I want is my life as Laura back. But all IÕm able to bring myself to say is ÒYes, IÕm fineÓ. He looks back at me, obviously not believing what I have just told him. ÒYouÕre cryingÓ he says as though perhaps he can not believe it himself and it is then that I notice the steady stream of tears staining my cheeks. I look down for a second, suddenly unable to face him like this then I return my eyes to his, more tears forming, I am powerless to control them as the salty droplets cascade down my face. I find myself suddenly unable to speak, my voice lost in my throat, not knowing what I would say if I could speak. I am stuck, no longer Irina but unable to be Laura, I am stuck in a sort of limbo, no longer sure of who I am and completely powerless to stop myself from crying.
Being been totally unsure of how he would react I am surprised when he reaches out his hand and wipes the tears from my face with a movement which is incredibly soft. Then sitting down beside me he allows my head to rest on his shoulder. He shouldnÕt be doing this, I donÕt deserve kindness, especially not from him. But, perhaps selfishly, I donÕt really allow myself to think about it right now. Instead I just allow myself to lean into him and try just this once forget everything else that is going on, forget my past, forget the future, and just live in this one moment.
