I lived for years in constant fear, my heart was torn. My continued deception became a sort of act of love for my family. I knew that I had to do what I did, no longer for the good of my country but for the safety of my family. I often wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to break down the walls of deception, if I had told Jack the truth. Perhaps Jack could have escaped the KGBÕs persecution, but Sydney, poor innocent little Sydney, she would not have stood a chance. No one would have been able to save her. I knew then that it was more important then anything else to not allow the KGB to see that in my heart I had betrayed them.

When I got the orders that my mission was over, that I was to return home, I was devastated, I did not want to leave my family, but It would have been selfish for me to have stayed. I sacrificed my own happiness, I sacrificed my heart, I sacrificed everything I loved in this world, so that Sydney would have a chance at happiness herself. I did not deserve happiness, Sydney did. I could not let her pay for my mistakes. Of course I had hoped that the truth would not have been found out.

Sitting here now with my head resting on JackÕs shoulder, I suddenly feel more complete then I have felt in years. There is a peace, a calmness which comes over me. I feel at home, this is where I belong. Twenty years ago my heart had stopped beating, I had left it behind, lost it, and now I can feel it beating, I have found it again. The color is returning to my world, the shadows are retreating, the coldness has disappeared, the harshness dissolves into warmth. I can no longer feel my head throbbing or my body aching. All pain has fallen away from my senses. I want to stay here forever, I never want to return to reality. ÒJackÓ I say, my voice barley even a whisper ÒI love you.Ó