... ~*~ ... Wanting to Forget, Wishing to Remember ... ~*~ ...
~By: Lauren~
-Chapter 7-
"The Person Just for You?"
"I don't understand it at all." Hitomi fought the urge to break down in tears but she held back. Hitomi was a strong woman, was she not? And she refused to cry other something she didn't get. She let her body take in the cool feel of the grass against her skin. The honey haired girl tried to make sense of all the things she was feeling. Betrayal. Hurt. Sorrow. Jealousy. Hitomi spoke out loud, hoping it would somehow clear the foggy swirl that was her mind. "I don't know Allen or Van. They know me but I don't know them, at least I can't remember either of them. But I was the one who forgot. I forgot my feelings for these people and my memories of them. It's MY fault that they're hurting. And who was that Azumi girl? Shouldn't people marry for love? But then again, this is a whole different world. She was so beautiful- I could never compete with somebody like that. I'm only a common everyday girl...what would a king or knight want to do with me? Nothing. Why does it matter though? Why do I feel so jealous of her? For all I know I could have hated Van in the past or maybe I'm jealous because I did love him..." Hitomi ran her fingers through her hair, ignoring the salty tears that streaked down her pale cheeks. "But it appears as if I'm was close to this Allen man. Did I love him? DO I love him? Do I love Van? Do I love anyone?! I DON'T KNOW!! AGH!! This is so confusing!" Hitomi nearly screamed with frustration. All this thinking was beginning to make her head throb. "Why should it matter who I love when I'll return home soon? Do I even love anyone here? Wouldn't it be better for Van to marry Azumi? I might leave soon. I might never remember them. Could Van or Allen still love me? WHY AM I THINKING OF ONLY THOSE TWO?! Maybe I loved somebody else; somebody that isn't them. Did I? Who do I care for? Why is this so damn confusing? I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to think." Her voice grew silent as she pondered over what she had just stated. Her tiny body trembled.
Suddenly, a voice interrupted her thought process.
"Trying to figure things out I see." Gaddess smiled, walking up behind Hitomi. With a quick motion, he sat on the ground next to her.
Hitomi's face turned many shades of red before she finally found her voice to speak. "I didn't know you were there...I'm sorry..."
Gaddess chuckled at her. "Don't be offended, I'm sure it's hard to forget all the things you did. I don't know what it's like but I know how confusing matters of the heart can be."
Hitomi peered up at the rough looking man in astonishment. "How so?" She was curious now on what this fighter had to share.
Gaddess appeared as if he had gone into another world as he pointed across the courtyard. There, at the far end, was a delicate-looking blond girl. "See that beauty over there? That's Allen's sister Celena. The girl who has stolen this rugged man's heart."
Hitomi gapped. She had never even noticed the curly haired girl at the end of the garden. She was Allen's sister? Allen HAD a sister? And Gaddess loved her? She glanced at the blushing man. "Oh....have you told her your feelings yet?"
Gaddess frowned at this. "No. I don't think she cares for me more than a friend or companion."
"How can you be so sure if you don't ask?" Hitomi's interest on this situation was sparked. She wanted to help this kind man so badly.
"I just can't." Gaddess sighed loudly. "I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to turn me down and I don't want to lose our friendship. Hmm...Here, how about I'll give you some advice and you give me some afterwards? Ok?" He looked at Hitomi with anticipation.
"Uh..." Hitomi figured she needed all the help she could get. "I guess so. OK. My problem is-" She began but was quickly cut off.
Gaddess held up his hand. "I know, I heard you before." He smiled warmly. "If I were you, here is what I'd do. Close you eyes. Clear your mind. Relax."
Hitomi hesitated, a bit confused but she followed his directions. Her eyes- orbs of jade- shut and her breathing slowed.
"Think of him. Or rather, of them. Of Allen and Van. Forget what everyone tells you to feel. Forget everything you've heard them say. When you picture them, don't try to remember either. Don't try to remember your memories or past feelings or anything. Just picture them and only them- nothing else." Gaddess ordered quietly.
Hitomi cleared her mind, picturing an image of Allen and Van. She tried to erase all of the things she had heard others say, about her loving Van. She tried to stop remembering the past. She cleared everything away until it was only her, Van, Allen and Gaddess' voice.
"Now...how do they make you feel when you see them? What does your heart say? Trust only the words of your heart." Gaddess instructed. "Trust nothing else."
Hitomi nodded numbly as she was overwhelmed with emotions.
"How do you feel about each of them?" Gaddess demanded with a whisper.
Hitomi quivered as she began to speak. "Well....w-when I see Allen...I feel restless and sort of like I'm in awe. Sometimes I feel uneasy though...when I'm alone with him. I feel almost childish at times by the way he'll look at me."
Gaddess smiled briefly before it was erased again. "Now what about Van?"
She struggled to put her feelings into words. "I feel...restless also but...it's different from the feeling of restlessness I get with Allen. It's like...I feel giddy but at peace at the same time. It's strange. I feel tranquil...safe...protected...loved and...h-happy..." Hitomi opened her eyes, staring ahead at the wild flowers in shock. Her eyes were wide and her jaw slack.
"I think you know your hearts answer then." Gaddess smiled joyfully at the girl's surprise.
Hitomi pulled up her jaw so she didn't look like a fish. She suddenly felt more at ease. It was as if a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders. But then she was pounded with a thousand other worries. "But he's engaged! I'm just a regular girl. Why would he choose me over a noblewoman? A princess possibly! Plus I might have to leave soon. And how can he still love me without my memories?!"
Gaddess leaned back on his hands. "If he's truly 'the one'...if it's true love...then...he'll overlook all of that stuff."
Hitomi gazed up at the now-setting sun. She had been out in the garden longer than she had expected. "I suppose you're right. I'm just....scared."
"Everyone is scared. Some just hide it better than others." Gaddess yawned, scratching is side.
"Now, about my advice for you..." Hitomi began while a full smile formed on her face.
"No thanks." Gaddess held up both of his hands. "Our little talk has opened my own eyes too. It has shown me what I should do..."
"Are you sure?" Hitomi felt bad. Gaddess had just helped her figure out so many things; she had to repay him somehow.
"As sure as I'll ever be." The man began to stand up, stretching out his sore muscles.
"I still don't think I can tell him how I feel though. I know he'll reject me..." Hitomi looked down at the ground sadly.
"Let's make a little deal." Gaddess held out his hand for her to take, which she did. With a quick swoop, he pulled Hitomi up on her feet. "If I confess my love to Celena, then you have to confess yours to Van. Ok? We have a deal?" He gave her an inquiring look.
"Uh..." Hitomi pondered his proposal quickly before smiling and shaking his hand. "Deal."
The sunset at that moment was one of the most enchanting Hitomi had ever seen.
~*~
Van rubbed his throbbing temples. Great. Just great. His advisors had to go and arrange a MARRIAGE for him!! Now the poor girl was standing there waiting for his response! While Hitomi had just ran out of the room teary- eyed. And what had she asked about his necklace? This was a little too strange for his liking.
"Um...I'm sorry Lady Azumi but...I'm a bit busy at the moment." Van nervously tried to make up an excuse to get the woman to leave.
Allen had already marched up to her and was bowing, kissing her delicate and smooth hand.
"It's all right my lord. I can wait here forever." Her voice was smooth yet it held some kind of note of something Van couldn't quite figure out.
"You don't understand. I give you my deepest apologizes but I can't have a marriage right now." Van gritted his teeth. He always felt guilty about these things.
"I fear you don't understand." Azumi smirked now, giving the woman an almost demonic look. "I was sent here to be married to King Van of Fanelia. I won't leave until I am."
Never had Van met a woman so straightforward as her. Well, besides Hitomi. And it appeared as if trouble had just come knocking on his door once again.
"Lady Azumi, I'll ask you once more. Will you please leave?" Van was through with being polite and feeling guilty. He wanted this threatening and dangerously beautiful woman out of his sight. Hitomi had been upset. She needed him.
"No." Azumi grinned wickedly.
"Let me show you to your rooms." Allen bowed deeply, taking Azumi by her arm before leading her out of the large room.
Van growled as annoyance filled him. "Thanks Allen....thanks." His sarcastic tone only made Griffin smirk more.
~*~
Hitomi looked at her surroundings. She was in the darkness again. The same antagonizing, frightful black void. Hitomi was a bit afraid of what it would say this time or whether it was friendly or not. Last time she had been given some sort of strange prophecy, or so she thought.
And right on cue, the voice spoke to Hitomi.
"Is that the dream you want?" It said.
At first Hitomi was confused but after a moment the darkness seemed to show her what it meant. Her dream of being happy and with the ones she loved.
The voice continued. "Is that what your happiness is? Will it make you truly happy?"
Hitomi shrugged. She grew a bit more comfortable but she was still on alert.
The voice replied, "You don't know because...happiness depends on the individual person. Everybody is different; no two people are the same. What makes one person happy might make another person sad. People's souls, their emotions and thoughts, come in all shapes and sizes. And as time goes on and a person grows, their soul can change. Their dreams....and their hopes can change. That's why...there isn't just one type of happiness in the world..."
Hitomi looked at the blackness, feeling herself being consumed by the color itself. "But...there has to be a way that I can be happy too? ...Right?"
"That is what we all want, isn't it?" The voice let out a sorrowful sigh but it still seemed to smile. "To find the person just for you. To find your own happiness. That would be wonderful...wouldn't it?"
But before Hitomi could nod, her eyes opened up to the golden sunshine of the morning.
~*~
Lauren: **GASP** I...I...I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING THIS CHAPTER! NOOOOO!!! *takes deep breathes* Well...with a lot of therapy I may be able to get over this. Don't worry though, the breaking stuff will be a recurring theme throughout the story. It's just when you do it EVERY chapter it tends to grow old but keep your eyes peeled for smashed stuff later on! So what do you think of the new chapter? It was mostly getting things sorted out and such. I don't mean to make everybody hate Allen!!! I'm sorry! It's just...he's fun to use as an obstacle for Hitomi and Van to both get over. He's just perfect for that job! And then there's Gaddess...I don't know why but throughout the series I was sort of drawn to him. That man HAS to have more of a story to him. Maybe in some upcoming chapters we'll have a peek at why he's so brotherly to Hitomi and advice-full. ^_^ Thanks for all the great comments! Please review and I hoped you enjoyed the new chapter!
~By: Lauren~
-Chapter 7-
"The Person Just for You?"
"I don't understand it at all." Hitomi fought the urge to break down in tears but she held back. Hitomi was a strong woman, was she not? And she refused to cry other something she didn't get. She let her body take in the cool feel of the grass against her skin. The honey haired girl tried to make sense of all the things she was feeling. Betrayal. Hurt. Sorrow. Jealousy. Hitomi spoke out loud, hoping it would somehow clear the foggy swirl that was her mind. "I don't know Allen or Van. They know me but I don't know them, at least I can't remember either of them. But I was the one who forgot. I forgot my feelings for these people and my memories of them. It's MY fault that they're hurting. And who was that Azumi girl? Shouldn't people marry for love? But then again, this is a whole different world. She was so beautiful- I could never compete with somebody like that. I'm only a common everyday girl...what would a king or knight want to do with me? Nothing. Why does it matter though? Why do I feel so jealous of her? For all I know I could have hated Van in the past or maybe I'm jealous because I did love him..." Hitomi ran her fingers through her hair, ignoring the salty tears that streaked down her pale cheeks. "But it appears as if I'm was close to this Allen man. Did I love him? DO I love him? Do I love Van? Do I love anyone?! I DON'T KNOW!! AGH!! This is so confusing!" Hitomi nearly screamed with frustration. All this thinking was beginning to make her head throb. "Why should it matter who I love when I'll return home soon? Do I even love anyone here? Wouldn't it be better for Van to marry Azumi? I might leave soon. I might never remember them. Could Van or Allen still love me? WHY AM I THINKING OF ONLY THOSE TWO?! Maybe I loved somebody else; somebody that isn't them. Did I? Who do I care for? Why is this so damn confusing? I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to think." Her voice grew silent as she pondered over what she had just stated. Her tiny body trembled.
Suddenly, a voice interrupted her thought process.
"Trying to figure things out I see." Gaddess smiled, walking up behind Hitomi. With a quick motion, he sat on the ground next to her.
Hitomi's face turned many shades of red before she finally found her voice to speak. "I didn't know you were there...I'm sorry..."
Gaddess chuckled at her. "Don't be offended, I'm sure it's hard to forget all the things you did. I don't know what it's like but I know how confusing matters of the heart can be."
Hitomi peered up at the rough looking man in astonishment. "How so?" She was curious now on what this fighter had to share.
Gaddess appeared as if he had gone into another world as he pointed across the courtyard. There, at the far end, was a delicate-looking blond girl. "See that beauty over there? That's Allen's sister Celena. The girl who has stolen this rugged man's heart."
Hitomi gapped. She had never even noticed the curly haired girl at the end of the garden. She was Allen's sister? Allen HAD a sister? And Gaddess loved her? She glanced at the blushing man. "Oh....have you told her your feelings yet?"
Gaddess frowned at this. "No. I don't think she cares for me more than a friend or companion."
"How can you be so sure if you don't ask?" Hitomi's interest on this situation was sparked. She wanted to help this kind man so badly.
"I just can't." Gaddess sighed loudly. "I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to turn me down and I don't want to lose our friendship. Hmm...Here, how about I'll give you some advice and you give me some afterwards? Ok?" He looked at Hitomi with anticipation.
"Uh..." Hitomi figured she needed all the help she could get. "I guess so. OK. My problem is-" She began but was quickly cut off.
Gaddess held up his hand. "I know, I heard you before." He smiled warmly. "If I were you, here is what I'd do. Close you eyes. Clear your mind. Relax."
Hitomi hesitated, a bit confused but she followed his directions. Her eyes- orbs of jade- shut and her breathing slowed.
"Think of him. Or rather, of them. Of Allen and Van. Forget what everyone tells you to feel. Forget everything you've heard them say. When you picture them, don't try to remember either. Don't try to remember your memories or past feelings or anything. Just picture them and only them- nothing else." Gaddess ordered quietly.
Hitomi cleared her mind, picturing an image of Allen and Van. She tried to erase all of the things she had heard others say, about her loving Van. She tried to stop remembering the past. She cleared everything away until it was only her, Van, Allen and Gaddess' voice.
"Now...how do they make you feel when you see them? What does your heart say? Trust only the words of your heart." Gaddess instructed. "Trust nothing else."
Hitomi nodded numbly as she was overwhelmed with emotions.
"How do you feel about each of them?" Gaddess demanded with a whisper.
Hitomi quivered as she began to speak. "Well....w-when I see Allen...I feel restless and sort of like I'm in awe. Sometimes I feel uneasy though...when I'm alone with him. I feel almost childish at times by the way he'll look at me."
Gaddess smiled briefly before it was erased again. "Now what about Van?"
She struggled to put her feelings into words. "I feel...restless also but...it's different from the feeling of restlessness I get with Allen. It's like...I feel giddy but at peace at the same time. It's strange. I feel tranquil...safe...protected...loved and...h-happy..." Hitomi opened her eyes, staring ahead at the wild flowers in shock. Her eyes were wide and her jaw slack.
"I think you know your hearts answer then." Gaddess smiled joyfully at the girl's surprise.
Hitomi pulled up her jaw so she didn't look like a fish. She suddenly felt more at ease. It was as if a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders. But then she was pounded with a thousand other worries. "But he's engaged! I'm just a regular girl. Why would he choose me over a noblewoman? A princess possibly! Plus I might have to leave soon. And how can he still love me without my memories?!"
Gaddess leaned back on his hands. "If he's truly 'the one'...if it's true love...then...he'll overlook all of that stuff."
Hitomi gazed up at the now-setting sun. She had been out in the garden longer than she had expected. "I suppose you're right. I'm just....scared."
"Everyone is scared. Some just hide it better than others." Gaddess yawned, scratching is side.
"Now, about my advice for you..." Hitomi began while a full smile formed on her face.
"No thanks." Gaddess held up both of his hands. "Our little talk has opened my own eyes too. It has shown me what I should do..."
"Are you sure?" Hitomi felt bad. Gaddess had just helped her figure out so many things; she had to repay him somehow.
"As sure as I'll ever be." The man began to stand up, stretching out his sore muscles.
"I still don't think I can tell him how I feel though. I know he'll reject me..." Hitomi looked down at the ground sadly.
"Let's make a little deal." Gaddess held out his hand for her to take, which she did. With a quick swoop, he pulled Hitomi up on her feet. "If I confess my love to Celena, then you have to confess yours to Van. Ok? We have a deal?" He gave her an inquiring look.
"Uh..." Hitomi pondered his proposal quickly before smiling and shaking his hand. "Deal."
The sunset at that moment was one of the most enchanting Hitomi had ever seen.
~*~
Van rubbed his throbbing temples. Great. Just great. His advisors had to go and arrange a MARRIAGE for him!! Now the poor girl was standing there waiting for his response! While Hitomi had just ran out of the room teary- eyed. And what had she asked about his necklace? This was a little too strange for his liking.
"Um...I'm sorry Lady Azumi but...I'm a bit busy at the moment." Van nervously tried to make up an excuse to get the woman to leave.
Allen had already marched up to her and was bowing, kissing her delicate and smooth hand.
"It's all right my lord. I can wait here forever." Her voice was smooth yet it held some kind of note of something Van couldn't quite figure out.
"You don't understand. I give you my deepest apologizes but I can't have a marriage right now." Van gritted his teeth. He always felt guilty about these things.
"I fear you don't understand." Azumi smirked now, giving the woman an almost demonic look. "I was sent here to be married to King Van of Fanelia. I won't leave until I am."
Never had Van met a woman so straightforward as her. Well, besides Hitomi. And it appeared as if trouble had just come knocking on his door once again.
"Lady Azumi, I'll ask you once more. Will you please leave?" Van was through with being polite and feeling guilty. He wanted this threatening and dangerously beautiful woman out of his sight. Hitomi had been upset. She needed him.
"No." Azumi grinned wickedly.
"Let me show you to your rooms." Allen bowed deeply, taking Azumi by her arm before leading her out of the large room.
Van growled as annoyance filled him. "Thanks Allen....thanks." His sarcastic tone only made Griffin smirk more.
~*~
Hitomi looked at her surroundings. She was in the darkness again. The same antagonizing, frightful black void. Hitomi was a bit afraid of what it would say this time or whether it was friendly or not. Last time she had been given some sort of strange prophecy, or so she thought.
And right on cue, the voice spoke to Hitomi.
"Is that the dream you want?" It said.
At first Hitomi was confused but after a moment the darkness seemed to show her what it meant. Her dream of being happy and with the ones she loved.
The voice continued. "Is that what your happiness is? Will it make you truly happy?"
Hitomi shrugged. She grew a bit more comfortable but she was still on alert.
The voice replied, "You don't know because...happiness depends on the individual person. Everybody is different; no two people are the same. What makes one person happy might make another person sad. People's souls, their emotions and thoughts, come in all shapes and sizes. And as time goes on and a person grows, their soul can change. Their dreams....and their hopes can change. That's why...there isn't just one type of happiness in the world..."
Hitomi looked at the blackness, feeling herself being consumed by the color itself. "But...there has to be a way that I can be happy too? ...Right?"
"That is what we all want, isn't it?" The voice let out a sorrowful sigh but it still seemed to smile. "To find the person just for you. To find your own happiness. That would be wonderful...wouldn't it?"
But before Hitomi could nod, her eyes opened up to the golden sunshine of the morning.
~*~
Lauren: **GASP** I...I...I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING THIS CHAPTER! NOOOOO!!! *takes deep breathes* Well...with a lot of therapy I may be able to get over this. Don't worry though, the breaking stuff will be a recurring theme throughout the story. It's just when you do it EVERY chapter it tends to grow old but keep your eyes peeled for smashed stuff later on! So what do you think of the new chapter? It was mostly getting things sorted out and such. I don't mean to make everybody hate Allen!!! I'm sorry! It's just...he's fun to use as an obstacle for Hitomi and Van to both get over. He's just perfect for that job! And then there's Gaddess...I don't know why but throughout the series I was sort of drawn to him. That man HAS to have more of a story to him. Maybe in some upcoming chapters we'll have a peek at why he's so brotherly to Hitomi and advice-full. ^_^ Thanks for all the great comments! Please review and I hoped you enjoyed the new chapter!
