... ~*~ ... Wanting to Forget, Wishing to Remember ... ~*~ ...
~By: Lauren~
-Chapter 9-
"The Hidden Truth"
Hitomi brought a green leaf up to her eyes as she tried to stare at the grass. The light was too low and she could barely see, but she could still feel the lines of the grass. It was full of tiny veins, carrying water and minerals, transporting it all up through capillary action, everything the plant needed to be green. But she couldn't see the color anymore. It was too dark. But she could still feel it.
She couldn't see Van kissing Azumi anymore, but she could still feel it.
She closed her eyes and tried to regulate her rapid breaths. She didn't want to think about it right now. Maybe tomorrow. She could think about it tomorrow, when it was light again. Maybe that would change things. If it had been a short kiss, she could have dismissed it. She had heard soft voices and had walked into the study and she didn't know what had happened before then. If they just kissed and then it ended, she would have been able to joke. Make some sense of it. But they had just kept kissing....and it had...hurt. She had stood there for what felt like a lifetime, and they hadn't stopped. She had gasped before turning and fleeing. It wasn't platonic and it wasn't just a kiss.
It had killed her.
Hitomi dug her fingers into the grass and let her palms get cold. She thought about her cold hands and cold skin and the light that had gone away and she stared at the dark outlines of the castle and she started to breathe.
Just breathing. She was just breathing.
The stars shined down on her with a mysterious sadness. The moon had its usual golden-silver aura. The heavens, apparently, she thought, would not change their ways and bow down in quiet reverence to the difficulties of mere mortals. The evening was chilly as Hitomi placed her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands. She felt the flood of hot tears break as she stared at the grass in an almost dead-like state. Van didn't love her. He would never love her. He was marrying Azumi. He loved Azumi. Not her. Not Hitomi. She would never be able to tell him her feelings. She felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest and then ripped apart. The voice had been right. Love only led to betrayal and betrayal hurt. She would never be able to face Van again. She had to get away from the castle. Away from Van. Away from his love for Azumi. Hitomi couldn't think straight any longer and fell to the ground in tears. Tears for all the pain she felt.
After crying for what seemed like hours, Hitomi groggily got up to her feet. She was in an almost dream like state as she stumbled into the castle. Everything was silent and dark. Eerily quiet. Hitomi knew what she had to do. She was wandering towards her bedroom to gather up her things when she paused, hearing voices coming from a dimly lit room across from her. She was afraid of what she would hear or see for last time she had looked into a room her world had been shattered. So she did not look, she only listened.
"Maybe now Hitomi will leave you! You never deserved her and you never will! You would never be able to care for anyone the way she does! Why are you playing with both of their hearts?! If Hitomi is here, why marry Azumi and fake that you love her? Why should you get to live happily ever after? What have you ever done to deserve Hitomi's love? Or Azumi's?! And you know I'm right." The voice sounded like Allen's. It kept yelling. "I'm right and you know it. And you would take Azumi any way and forget about Hitomi. Not because you love her, a selfish boy like you doesn't know what love is, but because you 'need' her to get over your supposedly broken little heart. That makes you a selfish pathetic jerk. Ever think of how Hitomi is feeling?"
Now it was Van speaking. "And you know what love is?! You know how to care for someone and not just take what you want from them? Because you want what is 'best' for Hitomi, right? You only want Azumi. You make me sick!"
"You self-righteous sonofa...!"
Hitomi paled as she heard the sound of a fist cracking against skin. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to hear or see either of them. But there was so much hate in their words it scared her. And the words were about her and Azumi. Panic began to grip her. A sob escaped her lips.
And now it was quiet. So quiet it was as if someone had pushed a mute button on a TV. They had heard her. They would discover her. They knew Hitomi was there. Turning as fast as she could, Hitomi sprinted down the hallway and into her room, slamming the door shut. She leaned against the cold wood, sliding down it into a sitting position as she tried to erase the words. This was just too much. Hitomi wanted to go home. She wanted to be anywhere except in the castle. With her heart fluttering, she gathered up what little clothing she had and stuffed it into a bag. Hitomi ran about the room, putting a few things like a hairbrush into her bag until she had what she figured she needed. But there was no money for her to use so Hitomi decided she would return to the jewelry stand from before and try to return her necklace. She could then use that money for whatever she needed. Hitomi slipped on the tan pants and pink shirt from before while she tied a dark cloak around her. She could see the sun beginning to rise out in the distance. She had little time before everyone would be up and about.
Hitomi had heard the voice when she was crying. It was very quiet but she knew she had heard its words. It had said, "You don't have what you need here. You don't have what is precious here, either. What is here, is inside the heart." Hitomi wasn't sure what it meant but then again; she never really understood what the voice was telling her.
If Hitomi had remembered which way the stables were she would have gotten a horse but she didn't have one and she was left to walk. Slyly, she crept through the garden and slipped past a few guards. She was near the large doors that led her to the outside world. She acted as calmly as she could as she nodded to the guards and sauntered through the gates. "Just heading to the market." She tried her best to sound like one of the maids. But the guards were still tired from their nightly duties and they let Hitomi past.
After what seemed like hours, Hitomi arrived at the market she had visited with Allen. It had seemed so much quicker when riding in a carriage. She had no idea where she was going but she knew she had to get away from the pain. From the castle. From Van and Azumi. Hitomi only wanted to go home now and they all seemed so wrapped up with there own lives that they weren't helping her get home like they had promised. She didn't need them. She would find a way on her own- once she got enough money to provide herself a meal and a ride first. Hitomi flipped through her memory as she recalled the places Allen and she had visited. The market was already bustling with life so early in the morning. Hitomi wondered if anyone had noticed her absence yet. She had to get money quickly and hire a carriage to get her out of the town. Finally, she arrived at the spot where the jewelry stand had been. But there was nothing there except a square empty patch of dirt. She stood dumbly in shock, staring at the brown dirt.
Turning towards a plump looking woman, she tapped her shoulder.
"Yes?" The woman turned around, smiling. "Can I help you dear?"
"Um...where is the jewelry stand that used to be here?" Hitomi pointed to the bare lot.
"What jewelry stand?" The woman gave Hitomi a weird and confused look.
"Yes there was. It was right here and the man who ran it sold me this necklace!!" She pointed to the thin chain and the gem around her neck.
"Honey, I've come to this market almost every day for the last twenty five years and there has never been a jewelry store here. There's never been a jewelry store down this entire row of stands! In fact, the only two jewelry stores in the market are at the other end and if my memory suits me, they've been closed the last week because they lost somebody dear to both of them." The woman turned away from Hitomi, wandering off towards a fruit vendor.
Hitomi could only stare blankly ahead. How could there have not been a store there? Allen had bought her a necklace there! A necklace exactly like her grandmothers except with a golden chain instead of a silver one. This was just way too weird for Hitomi.
"Great. What am I supposed to do for money now?" Hitomi spoke out loud to herself as she wandered on the outskirts of the market, randomly following a pathway out. It went between some buildings and Hitomi didn't notice the dark shadows around her now.
"I can come up with some ideas." A voice snickered, hissing almost.
Hitomi jumped, spinning around in a circle in search of the owner of the voice. "Who's there?!" Her heart began to beat wildly.
The voice laughed as its owner stepped out of the shadows. It was a grungy looking middle aged man who stunk of disgusting odors and was missing teeth.
Hitomi stepped away from him as fear coursed through her veins.
"You look upset." The man stumbled towards Hitomi, showing off how much taller and larger he was than the frail girl. "Let me make you happy. Let's have some fun." His words slurred as he grabbed Hitomi's arm.
"LET GO OF ME!" Hitomi raised her voice as her body now shook. His grip was strong and it hurt as she struggled to get free. His nails began to dig into her skin.
At first Hitomi thought the mixes of colors in front of her were lights or dots from a blow to the head but after a moment she realized she was wrong. Something about this felt familiar. The colors blended in front of her eyes to form a scene.
A scene of a man grabbing her wrist and hitting her head.
She was brought back to reality as the man pushed her up against a wall roughly as he leaned in to kiss her. She didn't notice the faint glow her necklace was giving off.
Her eyes flashed with color as another image entered her mind. She was in some kind of park. A man was holding her down. He was hitting her and it hurt. He was pulling at her clothing.
Hitomi was brought to reality again but when her swimming vision cleared, what she saw surprised her.
Gaddess was slamming the man into the wall across from Hitomi. Blood stained the bricks. He then proceeded to sit on top of the man while he repeatedly punched him across the face.
Hitomi's mind flashed for a third time but now she wasn't watching a scene. She was part of this painful display her mind had set up for her. She felt a searing rip go through her. She saw the man's eyes. It hurt. Everything hurt. Then it was black. And she felt warm light envelop her. Then Hitomi was watching again as her own battered body fell into Van's arms.
Gaddess shook Hitomi gently as he ignored the bloody crumpled figure of the man that had just attacked his friend. He most likely wasn't going to be walking or moving for a very very long time. Gaddess had made sure of that.
Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes snapped open. They had such a pained, lost and almost vacant expression that Gaddess was caught off guard. Hitomi shoved Gaddess away from her with what little strength she had left.
The light her necklace had been giving off was gone now, just like the last bit of light Hitomi had left in her heart.
Hitomi understood now.
She had seen it.
It had to be true, did it not?
Hitomi ran and Gaddess was in too much shock to follow.
~By: Lauren~
-Chapter 9-
"The Hidden Truth"
Hitomi brought a green leaf up to her eyes as she tried to stare at the grass. The light was too low and she could barely see, but she could still feel the lines of the grass. It was full of tiny veins, carrying water and minerals, transporting it all up through capillary action, everything the plant needed to be green. But she couldn't see the color anymore. It was too dark. But she could still feel it.
She couldn't see Van kissing Azumi anymore, but she could still feel it.
She closed her eyes and tried to regulate her rapid breaths. She didn't want to think about it right now. Maybe tomorrow. She could think about it tomorrow, when it was light again. Maybe that would change things. If it had been a short kiss, she could have dismissed it. She had heard soft voices and had walked into the study and she didn't know what had happened before then. If they just kissed and then it ended, she would have been able to joke. Make some sense of it. But they had just kept kissing....and it had...hurt. She had stood there for what felt like a lifetime, and they hadn't stopped. She had gasped before turning and fleeing. It wasn't platonic and it wasn't just a kiss.
It had killed her.
Hitomi dug her fingers into the grass and let her palms get cold. She thought about her cold hands and cold skin and the light that had gone away and she stared at the dark outlines of the castle and she started to breathe.
Just breathing. She was just breathing.
The stars shined down on her with a mysterious sadness. The moon had its usual golden-silver aura. The heavens, apparently, she thought, would not change their ways and bow down in quiet reverence to the difficulties of mere mortals. The evening was chilly as Hitomi placed her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands. She felt the flood of hot tears break as she stared at the grass in an almost dead-like state. Van didn't love her. He would never love her. He was marrying Azumi. He loved Azumi. Not her. Not Hitomi. She would never be able to tell him her feelings. She felt as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest and then ripped apart. The voice had been right. Love only led to betrayal and betrayal hurt. She would never be able to face Van again. She had to get away from the castle. Away from Van. Away from his love for Azumi. Hitomi couldn't think straight any longer and fell to the ground in tears. Tears for all the pain she felt.
After crying for what seemed like hours, Hitomi groggily got up to her feet. She was in an almost dream like state as she stumbled into the castle. Everything was silent and dark. Eerily quiet. Hitomi knew what she had to do. She was wandering towards her bedroom to gather up her things when she paused, hearing voices coming from a dimly lit room across from her. She was afraid of what she would hear or see for last time she had looked into a room her world had been shattered. So she did not look, she only listened.
"Maybe now Hitomi will leave you! You never deserved her and you never will! You would never be able to care for anyone the way she does! Why are you playing with both of their hearts?! If Hitomi is here, why marry Azumi and fake that you love her? Why should you get to live happily ever after? What have you ever done to deserve Hitomi's love? Or Azumi's?! And you know I'm right." The voice sounded like Allen's. It kept yelling. "I'm right and you know it. And you would take Azumi any way and forget about Hitomi. Not because you love her, a selfish boy like you doesn't know what love is, but because you 'need' her to get over your supposedly broken little heart. That makes you a selfish pathetic jerk. Ever think of how Hitomi is feeling?"
Now it was Van speaking. "And you know what love is?! You know how to care for someone and not just take what you want from them? Because you want what is 'best' for Hitomi, right? You only want Azumi. You make me sick!"
"You self-righteous sonofa...!"
Hitomi paled as she heard the sound of a fist cracking against skin. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to hear or see either of them. But there was so much hate in their words it scared her. And the words were about her and Azumi. Panic began to grip her. A sob escaped her lips.
And now it was quiet. So quiet it was as if someone had pushed a mute button on a TV. They had heard her. They would discover her. They knew Hitomi was there. Turning as fast as she could, Hitomi sprinted down the hallway and into her room, slamming the door shut. She leaned against the cold wood, sliding down it into a sitting position as she tried to erase the words. This was just too much. Hitomi wanted to go home. She wanted to be anywhere except in the castle. With her heart fluttering, she gathered up what little clothing she had and stuffed it into a bag. Hitomi ran about the room, putting a few things like a hairbrush into her bag until she had what she figured she needed. But there was no money for her to use so Hitomi decided she would return to the jewelry stand from before and try to return her necklace. She could then use that money for whatever she needed. Hitomi slipped on the tan pants and pink shirt from before while she tied a dark cloak around her. She could see the sun beginning to rise out in the distance. She had little time before everyone would be up and about.
Hitomi had heard the voice when she was crying. It was very quiet but she knew she had heard its words. It had said, "You don't have what you need here. You don't have what is precious here, either. What is here, is inside the heart." Hitomi wasn't sure what it meant but then again; she never really understood what the voice was telling her.
If Hitomi had remembered which way the stables were she would have gotten a horse but she didn't have one and she was left to walk. Slyly, she crept through the garden and slipped past a few guards. She was near the large doors that led her to the outside world. She acted as calmly as she could as she nodded to the guards and sauntered through the gates. "Just heading to the market." She tried her best to sound like one of the maids. But the guards were still tired from their nightly duties and they let Hitomi past.
After what seemed like hours, Hitomi arrived at the market she had visited with Allen. It had seemed so much quicker when riding in a carriage. She had no idea where she was going but she knew she had to get away from the pain. From the castle. From Van and Azumi. Hitomi only wanted to go home now and they all seemed so wrapped up with there own lives that they weren't helping her get home like they had promised. She didn't need them. She would find a way on her own- once she got enough money to provide herself a meal and a ride first. Hitomi flipped through her memory as she recalled the places Allen and she had visited. The market was already bustling with life so early in the morning. Hitomi wondered if anyone had noticed her absence yet. She had to get money quickly and hire a carriage to get her out of the town. Finally, she arrived at the spot where the jewelry stand had been. But there was nothing there except a square empty patch of dirt. She stood dumbly in shock, staring at the brown dirt.
Turning towards a plump looking woman, she tapped her shoulder.
"Yes?" The woman turned around, smiling. "Can I help you dear?"
"Um...where is the jewelry stand that used to be here?" Hitomi pointed to the bare lot.
"What jewelry stand?" The woman gave Hitomi a weird and confused look.
"Yes there was. It was right here and the man who ran it sold me this necklace!!" She pointed to the thin chain and the gem around her neck.
"Honey, I've come to this market almost every day for the last twenty five years and there has never been a jewelry store here. There's never been a jewelry store down this entire row of stands! In fact, the only two jewelry stores in the market are at the other end and if my memory suits me, they've been closed the last week because they lost somebody dear to both of them." The woman turned away from Hitomi, wandering off towards a fruit vendor.
Hitomi could only stare blankly ahead. How could there have not been a store there? Allen had bought her a necklace there! A necklace exactly like her grandmothers except with a golden chain instead of a silver one. This was just way too weird for Hitomi.
"Great. What am I supposed to do for money now?" Hitomi spoke out loud to herself as she wandered on the outskirts of the market, randomly following a pathway out. It went between some buildings and Hitomi didn't notice the dark shadows around her now.
"I can come up with some ideas." A voice snickered, hissing almost.
Hitomi jumped, spinning around in a circle in search of the owner of the voice. "Who's there?!" Her heart began to beat wildly.
The voice laughed as its owner stepped out of the shadows. It was a grungy looking middle aged man who stunk of disgusting odors and was missing teeth.
Hitomi stepped away from him as fear coursed through her veins.
"You look upset." The man stumbled towards Hitomi, showing off how much taller and larger he was than the frail girl. "Let me make you happy. Let's have some fun." His words slurred as he grabbed Hitomi's arm.
"LET GO OF ME!" Hitomi raised her voice as her body now shook. His grip was strong and it hurt as she struggled to get free. His nails began to dig into her skin.
At first Hitomi thought the mixes of colors in front of her were lights or dots from a blow to the head but after a moment she realized she was wrong. Something about this felt familiar. The colors blended in front of her eyes to form a scene.
A scene of a man grabbing her wrist and hitting her head.
She was brought back to reality as the man pushed her up against a wall roughly as he leaned in to kiss her. She didn't notice the faint glow her necklace was giving off.
Her eyes flashed with color as another image entered her mind. She was in some kind of park. A man was holding her down. He was hitting her and it hurt. He was pulling at her clothing.
Hitomi was brought to reality again but when her swimming vision cleared, what she saw surprised her.
Gaddess was slamming the man into the wall across from Hitomi. Blood stained the bricks. He then proceeded to sit on top of the man while he repeatedly punched him across the face.
Hitomi's mind flashed for a third time but now she wasn't watching a scene. She was part of this painful display her mind had set up for her. She felt a searing rip go through her. She saw the man's eyes. It hurt. Everything hurt. Then it was black. And she felt warm light envelop her. Then Hitomi was watching again as her own battered body fell into Van's arms.
Gaddess shook Hitomi gently as he ignored the bloody crumpled figure of the man that had just attacked his friend. He most likely wasn't going to be walking or moving for a very very long time. Gaddess had made sure of that.
Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes snapped open. They had such a pained, lost and almost vacant expression that Gaddess was caught off guard. Hitomi shoved Gaddess away from her with what little strength she had left.
The light her necklace had been giving off was gone now, just like the last bit of light Hitomi had left in her heart.
Hitomi understood now.
She had seen it.
It had to be true, did it not?
Hitomi ran and Gaddess was in too much shock to follow.
