... ~*~ ... Wanting to Forget, Wishing to Remember ... ~*~ ...

~By: Lauren~

-Chapter 10-

"Not Another Chance"

How could what she had seen been real? She would have remembered something like that. I mean, how could she just forget...? Hitomi shook her head, spilling tears this way and that. No. It never happened. But try as she might to deny the truth, the images were still fresh in her mind. It had been so real. At first she thought it could have been some kind of made up movie in her mind but she could feel how she felt when it had happened. She felt how the girl being attacked felt while she watched it happen. She could feel the cold air of the morning. She could feel the grass tickle her skin. She could FEEL her head being hit all the time while she watched it.

And it was horrible.

She felt like hurling or crawling up into a ball and disappearing. She wanted to get a bath badly. She wanted to become one with the water and let herself drift away, down the stream, part of one and all in the world. But her wish couldn't come true. It was impossible. She wanted to forget everything yet part of her was wishing to remember. She wanted to remember Van and everybody else, not the pain that happened to her at the park. And yet...try as she might, all that she recalled was the park. The pain. The aching throb she had always felt in her heart but was unconscious as to why it was really there. Now she knew the truth of what it was. It had been there all along and she had just never noticed it. She had been caught up in her troubles of being in another world.

...Van...

She wanted him to hold her in his arms so badly, to whisper to her that it would be ok one day, to tell her he loved her and that what happened didn't matter to him.

But Hitomi was all alone. There was nothing with her except the biting cold and the rocky earth that cut into her feet as she ran. She didn't know where she was going but she couldn't stop. She was afraid. If she stopped, someone might attack her. But she was already stained...so did it really matter? Hitomi shook the thought out of her mind. She felt so lost, solely alone and confused. What in the world was she supposed to do? Hitomi had no idea. All she found herself able to do at the moment was run and cry. It was all her heart would allow her to do. Who was she supposed to turn to? Hitomi had no idea either. The only faintest name that came to mind was Gaddess but even him...she wasn't sure. She knew she couldn't run to Van, for he had rejected her already, if not in person but Hitomi had gathered his signs and that was what they all had pointed to. He would only hate her more. She couldn't turn to Allen, he was not somebody she felt comfortable to run to and she felt she didn't know Merle or Millerna well enough. But where was Gaddess? Where was SHE? How could she find him?

Hitomi didn't know. She didn't know anything. She was running blindly and she was scared. She had no one. All she could feel was her shattered heart.

Hitomi could do nothing but run.

Her head was swimming as the recently revealed scenes played over and over again. She didn't know how far or how long she had been running. Hours? Miles? She just wasn't sure but Hitomi didn't care. Mercifully, the memories faded away after a bit. But the pain in her heart refused to die. She was horrified as tears streamed down her cheeks. Darkness began to fuzz the corners of her mind. It was welcoming, begging her to loose herself to it. The darkness was calling to her, telling her to just let it all go. It was an escape. An exit from all of her pain. And so Hitomi gave away to it, letting herself become consumed as her body went slack and crashed into the ground.

She was floating in the black void. Hitomi was curled up in a tight, small ball as tears silently fell from her eyes. Something kept telling her not to believe what she was seeing. It was telling her to forget. It was saying that what she saw was not the truth. Hitomi tried to make herself believe it. She tried so utterly hard. But it hurt. Hitomi didn't want to believe she had been attacked and...used like she had seen. How could Van want her? She felt dirty. If any tiny piece of his heart had once loved her, she was sure that was gone now.

"The truth is painful, is it not?" The voice from her dreams mused. "So completely painful. But one must face their pains if they are to truly know their place in the world. Isn't that right my dear?" But the voice sounded different. It had been twisted and contoured into something she had never heard before. It taunted her.

Hitomi spun. The darkness was supposed to take away the pain, not cause more. "I don't believe it." She whispered hoarsely for her throat was dry. "I refuse to believe it!! You sent those images to me, didn't you?! You're just trying to destroy me! You have been since the very beginning! Who are you? Why won't you leave me alone? Those things you showed me...they aren't real! They can't be!! How could I have forgotten something like that if it was true?!" Hitomi cried out. "It...it hurts...so badly..." She murmured.

"You wanted to forget. It was so painful you asked me to block them from your memory. It is true- no matter how much you deny it." The voice snarled.

Hitomi couldn't respond. She opened her mouth to try to but nothing came out. Her heart was being twisted in her body. It was being smashed, shattered, torn and twisted so painfully. Hitomi was crying silent tears of terror. The tears felt cold as they slowly moved down her cheeks but she couldn't stop them.

"I'm sorry you had to face this." The voice said but it didn't sound very sorry to Hitomi. It sounded...almost...satisfied. "I don't know how you managed to pull it out of your subconscious. The situation must have brought it out and that necklace...something is strange about it." The voice smirked. "It's never easy, is it? You don't belong with these people Hitomi. Go home."

"Stop it!! PLEASE! Stop it!!" Hitomi sobbed as an image formed in front of her. She wanted to close her eyes but she was unable to. It's like when you don't want to watch something so you cover your eyes yet you can't stop yourself from looking between your fingers.

Van stood before her. "It's so frustrating. She's so clingy and dependent. She acts so fragile and annoying. I can't do anything I want to anymore. It's always Hitomi. The Mystic Moon girl. Why'd she return in the first place?"

"I don't know." Azumi laughed, kissing Van on the mouth. "But we can forget about her now. Our marriage is soon."

Hitomi's eyes were open wide, her breath coming in heaving cries as she watched them fade. She mumbled, "I'm sorry Van. So sorry. I'll be better. I'll do whatever you want...just please don't leave me. Don't leave me...please."

But the voice kept pushing, "He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't want to leave you."

Hitomi felt so cold as Van's words echoed.

"It's always Hitomi."

"She's so clingy."

"So fragile and annoying."

Hitomi winced against the freezing pain she felt as her cold tears froze to her cheeks.

"Van..." It came out as a sob. Hitomi shook her head. "Lies. They have to be. Fight it Hitomi..." She told herself.

Then she heard something. It was so quiet, she wasn't sure if it was truly spoken. "I'll always love you. I always will. Open your eyes." It sounded eerily like...Van's voice. "Open them."

~*~

"Have you seen Hitomi?!" Van raced around the castle, yelling at the maids, guards, advisors, anyone that was in the room.

"No sir, not since yesterday." One of the maids stepped forward, answering his question.

"Her room is empty and most of her things are gone." Another maid stepped forward, bowing while she spoke.

"You have got to be kidding me!!" Van threw his hands up into the air unbelievingly. "She wouldn't just get up and leave like that! What if someone kidnapped her?!"

"I doubt that anyone would get past the castle security." Allen stepped into the room, sighing was he walked. "Have you been paying her much mind lately?"

Van was ready to answer yes but when he truly thought about it, he was unable to respond.

"I'm glad that pest is gone." Azumi smirked, crossing her arms. "Now we can marry with NO distractions at all."

Van clenched his fist. "She is a dear friend. We will find her. Now." He pointed to the guards. "Take a group of men and look everywhere, do you hear me? Check the markets and the town. Even the outskirts if necessary. You will find her." With a salute, the guards ran out of the room, partly to get started and partly for fear of the king. They had never seen him so worried. "Don't return until you find her." He called after them.

"Excuse me. There is someone who would like to speak to you." A man reported to Van.

"Send them in." Van prayed it would be someone with useful information for him.

Gaddess timidly stepped forward. "I have some good news and bad news, sir."

Van relaxed at the sight of his friend but grew fearsome as he added bad news to his sentence. "Go ahead."

"First of all, the good news. I saw Hitomi." Gaddess smiled but it was quickly erased. Van's heart leapt into his throat but before he could reply, Gaddess continued. "She left the castle and I followed her when I saw her leaving. She went to the market and appeared to be looking for something but then went running through some alleyways. When I caught up to her, she was being attacked. I beat the man into a bloody pulp but when I went to check on her- she ran. I called after her and tried to catch up but she was gone like the wind."

"Was she ok?!" A million questions jumped into Van's mind.

"Physically she was ok afterwards but...I'm not sure about the rest. It was real strange. Her necklace started to glow a few times and she got a frightening look in her eyes. There was something about it, something in her eyes. It was as if I could see straight into her heart and what I saw...I saw unimaginable pain. Pain that led to self-destruction. Pain that left one awake, crying every moment silently at night. But with the blink of an eye, it appeared as if that window had disappeared, as if it weren't true what I saw. It seemed impossible that one attack could create such pain in her. I thought I was imagining things, that I was inventing this pain when there was none. But no. I had seen it. I'm sure now, more than ever. I just don't understand why I had never seen it before, hidden behind all of her smiles and graceful movements." Gaddess finished. "I know you probably have much to ask me but I need to sit down and drink some water or something for a bit. I'll talk to the guards about which direction she ran in." And before Van could respond, Gaddess was gone from the room.

Van was left alone finally, for Azumi had left the room with Allen when Gaddess had entered. He sank down in his chair. He swore all of this confusion was going to kill him one day. It hadn't been that long ago that he had seen her smiling face, he had wanted to beg her to marry him, to be with him forever. But he was unable to. He refused to hold her back in his world for his happiness. But then...why did it seem lately that she would always give him a sad smile? Everything had been turned to dust for him. Then slowly, it had begun to reconstruct. Now it was demolished again.

It hadn't been that long ago he had heard her laughing voice. And now everything was different. Everything had changed over night. It still didn't feel real for the young king. He was sure that any moment he would feel her hand tapping his shoulder, pulling him out of this terrible nightmare he was having. That was how everything went, wasn't it? In plays he had seen? In stories he had read? The person only dreamed that they had lost everything- that they had lost the one they loved forever. From their heart and now from their life all together. Then the person was supposed to wake up, the dream being over, and everything was fine again. The person could then finally really appreciate the beautiful, wonderful and perfect life that they had.

It wasn't real. It never was real. How could it be real? That wouldn't be fair. That wouldn't be right. Van never had the chance to tell Hitomi that he loved her after all, he never had a chance to tell her that it was all right, that he could be happy with what they had- that they didn't NEED to get married to be together. That they didn't NEED to live in the same world to be together... That wasn't how things went. There was always a second chance. There had to be.

So where was his?

~*~

Hitomi opened her eyes. She saw Merle hugging her when she returned to Gaea, she saw Gaddess giving her advice in the garden, she saw Millerna beaming down at her, she saw Allen buying her the necklace and...she saw Van falling on her and laughing with her.

Van

"I have other things to worry about." Van snapped at his advisor.

"Like what? That Mystic Moon girl?"

"Don't speak of Hitomi like that!"

His eyes, so full of love. His voice, wrapping around her heart like a blanket, soothing and gentle.

"Fight it." Hitomi told herself as the darkness erupted with flashes of light. "All those things you've shown me...they aren't all real! Van would never say that!! I know the truth! The truth is in my heart!! In my heart!!!" She laughed triumphantly.

"But Hitomi..." The voice seemed to chuckle at her. "I am your heart..."

~*~

Lauren: Hehehe. Wow, thanks for all the great reviews!!! Here's my nice long chapter I've been working on since like Sunday! Please enjoy and review, tell me what you think!

Voice: But Hitomi...I am...BOB BARKER!!! And YOUUU'RE ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! COMME ON DOWN!

^_^;; Just kidding.