... ~*~ ... Wanting to Forget, Wishing to Remember ... ~*~ ...

~By: Lauren~

-Chapter 11-

"Do You Believe In Angels?"

"Y-You can't be my heart!!! That's impossible! Why would I lie to myself like this? Why would I hurt myself?!" Hitomi yelled at the voice. It was strange- it was as if it was struggling. Sometimes the voice would sound cruel and evil and yet sometimes it sounded caring and gentle. "I can't see Van anymore! I don't want to hear his words. Azumi. It would be better if Azumi would just die!!" Hitomi opened her eyes fearful. "I...Have I become such a horrible girl? I must look very ugly right now. I can't see Van with this face. Why did I ever meet him? If I had to suffer like this...it would have been better not to have known each other at all!"

"You don't understand Hitomi. I am what your heart truly wants. You wanted to forget Van and Gaea. You wanted to forget the painful things and so I erased them. But you lost happy memories along with them. I couldn't just erase all of the bad memories- I had to erase them all. It was your choice, your decision and you chose to forget." The voice took in a deep breath. "And even now, you are so scared of loving Van that you try to deny it. You try to force yourself to hate him. You make up excuses to hide from him. If you only could confess and stop avoiding it then things would work themselves out. Maybe feelings and situations are easier than you are making them. You need to have faith. Believe in human emotions. Yes, there are many horrible things people feel but there are still good things left in the end." The voice was soothing as it almost rubbed her back tenderly. "Before when I was saying that Van didn't want you...I didn't want to tell you that but you wanted to believe that. In your heart, you wanted a reason to run from him because you're afraid. But that's ok. Everyone's afraid, you just have to face it head on. Darkness and evil lurk around every corner, inside a person and out. If you let your negative emotions control you then your heart- me- WILL show you horrible things or taunt you. Evil wants to control anyone it can get its hands on but you always have to fight it. It's hard with all you've been through but you are a strong girl, more than you realize Hitomi. You have to shine, from your heart and have faith. Without faith, nothing can begin. What would this life be were it not defined by despair...but by hope?"

Hitomi could only stare forward in total shock, taking in the information; except for as shocking as it seemed to her, it made a lot of sense. Things were a lot clearer to her now and she felt a lot better, as if a burden had been lifted off of her shoulders. But she was still troubled on what to do and over what the memories had shown her. That too was a bit awkward. Hitomi was upset about finding out the truth of what had happened to her but it wasn't as bad as it normally would have been. It wasn't like it had JUST happened to her...it had been a while ago. Yes, she didn't feel very safe, she felt insecure, scared and ashamed but she would deal with that in due time.

"Why don't you go home?" The voice sounded gentle now.

Hitomi shook her head no.

"Are you sure you want it to be like this?" The voice pushed.

"Well..." Hitomi looked down. "If I go back to the castle, Van will be troubled."

"Hitomi- is this what you want?" The voice was glad to be through with the complicated part of the conversation.

"I don't know." Hitomi sighed.

"You won't be able to see Van and you might not be able to get back home if you run away. Is this what you want?"

"No, I don't!" Hitomi quickly replied. "But...I need to be patient..."

"Sometimes being patient isn't the best thing." It sounded like the voice was folding its arms.

"Why?" Hitomi made a confused face.

"You didn't want Van to be patient, so you ran off, right? If you're patient, do you think Van will be happy?" Strangely, it made sense.

"Then...what should I do...?" All this thinking was giving Hitomi a headache.

"Doing the right thing is hard...but if you look hard enough...you'll find it. I believe in that." The voice smiled and so did Hitomi.

"But...what if I don't find it? Or he doesn't want me...? What if he leaves me...?" Hitomi bit her lip as old feelings returned forcefully. She was beginning to shake as she thought of what had happened to her once again and how much Van would hate her. But he already knew, didn't he?

"If it is true love, then he won't leave you for anything." The voice answered. "Why would he leave you any ways?"

Hitomi nearly laughed, except she knew that would make her cry. "It isn't a question of why he should leave me. It's a question of what he is thinking to be with me in the first place! He's so...pure. Kind...Gentle. He's nothing like me. I'm so...so...used...."

"Hitomi..." The voice whispered but was cut off.

"Don't. Don't say that it wasn't my fault, because almost all of it was. If I hadn't have been skipping school...if I hadn't have gone to the park. If I had only been more responsible. And don't tell me that everything can work out between us...because it can't. He can't love me. Why would he? What am I, that I deserve his love? If nothing else were true...it's still true that I'm petty. I yelled at him. I didn't listen, I only ran away. I made him suffer. And now...it's only a matter of time. Sometimes I get an urge to hold him...and I want to...thinking that I should enjoy each moment to the fullest, because there are only so many times that I'm going to get to have the chance to be with him. And when it's over, I'll only have the memory, and so I need to make the most of it. But it's so oppressive! I feel like I'm drowning, trying too hard to make it all mean something. Every time he gives me a caring look...I try to pretend I didn't see it...but I can't help it because I've wanted to believe it, for so long a part of me has. And each time he shows me his love...a little more of me wants to believe it and that is going to make it so much harder when he's gone. All I can think about is how it's going to be when he's gone. When I'm gone. And how am I going to go on when he's gone? Because I DON'T KNOW and I DON'T KNOW and I'm SCARED! Because...because...it's going to hurt so much and I won't have anything left...so I have to horde everything, absolutely everything, because who knows how much longer I've got? And I...I don't know. He's everything I've EVER wanted. I wish I could be the one he loves forever instead of for right now!!!"

"Hitomi." The voice demanded forcefully. "Do you love him?"

Hitomi felt the pressure that was choking her tighten and she burst, her tears spilling from her face as she actually FELT the source of the voice HUGGING her. It was holding her, patting her back calmly. And she didn't know if it truly was a person hugging her or if she was imagining it but it didn't matter, because Hitomi couldn't STOP crying. She felt demolished. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she was able to sniff up her tears and compose her voice to speak.

"I want to see him." Hitomi clenched her fists determinedly. "Once more, I want to see Van!! ...I...I love Van." Her face turned to that of realization. "Since when...did I love him this much?"

The voice chuckled. "But you know...I believe in you Hitomi. You're a girl who chooses to follow the right path...Good-bye for now..."

~*~

When Hitomi opened her eyes, she was staring at a decorated ceiling painted with gold, scarlet and silver. Suddenly, there was a beaming face right above hers. A blush instantly graced her cheeks.

"Morning." Van smiled warmly. He was so relived when the guards had found Hitomi and brought her back home yet he was scared when he heard they had found her unconscious. He didn't know how to act when she awoke so he tried to be cheerful and held back on bringing her into a tight embrace. He had to forget her, or so he told himself.

Hitomi stared up at Van in surprise. At first, she almost flinched at their closeness but she pushed the thought away. Van was a noble, good man and even now, he looked like a harmless angel. Golden sunlight was pouring into her room and most of it shone from behind Van, giving him an almost heavenly appearance. His hair looked as if he hadn't brushed it in forever but it still appeared very handsome on him. A few strands stuck out this way and that, blending in with the sunshine. His tan skin was accented almost a bronze color. His eyes held such love and yet remorse in them at the same time. His smiled seemed so caring. And before Hitomi could think about what she was saying, the words had already left her mouth. "Hey...what do angels look like? What do they do?"

Van blushed at how close he was leaning over Hitomi so he moved back a tiny bit. He was a tad confused by her question but answered it any ways. "I don't know what angels look like. I think they have big fuzzy white wings and a halo. But they can be different for anybody. Well...let's say when you're sad or lonely, they'll hold your hand. Even if you can't see or feel them. They naturally make you feel happy. Kind of like that."

Hitomi's eyes widened and yet again, words slipped out unknown to her. "You make me feel happy. I can see that you want to hold my hand when I'm sad or lonely but you're scared to because you don't want to upset me. You're scared that I won't return the same feelings you have for me. You're scared you'll lose me when I go back home. I'm right...aren't I?" She murmured the last part.

Van opened his eyes in amazement. "H-how...did you...?"

Hitomi blushed even more, making her look almost like a tomato. "I just guessed...because that's how I feel for you..." She took in a deep, shaky breath. "I gathered my courage to say that. I want to be with you Van. I can't do such a thing as to forget you." He was silent, staring at her with risen eyebrows. "Van...answer one thing for me..." Hitomi chewed her lip nervously. "Can I stay with you...?"

Van could only dumbly nod yes. Had she just...had she just said...you know what to him? Was this...a confession...?

Hitomi smiled, her face beaming with relief. "You know Van...this is what I thought. It might not be a coincidence how you and I met." She blushed again. "I want you to be happy. I want to see you smile! I don't know what I can do...but..." And to herself, she finished her sentence in her mind, unable to say it out loud as she was pulled into a tight, choking embrace. "I'll be by your side forever."

~*~

Outside the room, Azumi stood against the wall growling angrily. She couldn't lose Van to this...this girl from another world. There was too much at stake for Azumi and she couldn't risk losing it all at the most crucial moment. She clenched her fists, creating little half-moons in her palms. "You will be mine Van Fanel. I swear it. I will bring honor to my family. I will prove to them I have worth!!!" She gritted her teeth as she slammed her fist into the wall. "Father...you always ignored me. You said I dishonored the family...you refused to call me your daughter and you hit me for every little thing I did wrong. Well...I'm going to prove to you I can be of worth. Once I make Van my husband...I will be Queen! I will have wealth, power, everything you could never bring to our family!!!" She chuckled almost crazily.

A little ways down the hallway, Allen sighed. "I guess words don't have much meaning, in and of themselves. They may be the same words with the same passion...but there are people who accept and those that don't. Your words don't reach Van...and mine don't reach you." With that said, he dropped the flowers he was bringing for Azumi to the floor. He turned and wandered sorrowful down the hallway back into this room.

~*~

Lauren: So....what do you think? Hehe, I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot! Ah-ha! So there IS more to Azumi than everyone knows. Maybe even more than I have written in that last dialog. So what did you think of the big love confession? The voice thing wasn't too confusing, was it? Thanks for all the WONDERFUL reviews! They've really inspired me to work hard on this story even more! I'm writing an Inu-Yasha fan fic also called "Where Did You Go?" so I'll be juggling between this one and that. Please read it sometime! But don't worry, I plan to write this through all the way and at LEAST have a new chapter each week, as long as I don't get bogged down with schoolwork. Thanks again! Please review and I hope you enjoyed the new chapter!