R for language.
Disclaimer: no one mentioned belongs to me, I guarantee it.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
From the grand tour of Red Bank she'd been taking today, it was a wonder she hadn't run into Jay and Silent Bob by now. With some help from the locals, she'd been able to find the infamous Secret Stash, and was accosted by a wacko eating pretzels as she came in the door.
"I don't think I've ever seen you here before," he said.
"I haven't been here before," she replied, and tried to sidestep him.
He would have none of it. "Let me guess, hoping to find your wayward boyfriend here so you can drag his ass home and have him make you dinner? Or maybe even dump him in a public setting because you're just so fucking pissed of him ditching you for comics?"
"None of the above, thanks," she said shortly. "I'm from out of town. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to browse. Unless you think that scaring away customers is a *good* idea."
"Touche."
Bethany was now wandering aimlessly, too tired to pay attention to much, and she bumped into someone. She whirled around, instantly remorse. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"
"Oh, no, I'm fine," the guy said. And Bethany got a good look at him.
It couldn't be.
"Bartleby..?" Bethany said, totally confused. From Jay's reports in the aftermath, Bartleby had met his fate courtesy of a forgiving God. But here he was, standing before her, bigger hair, a five o'clock shadow, and a decided lack of hoodie, wings, or breastplate.
"No, no..." he smiled, held out a hand. "Holden. Holden McNeil."
Bethany shook his hand numbly. "Hi."
Holden frowned at her, obviously concerned. "You alright?"
"You just look so much like someone I know--used to know..." she answered, a bit dazed and definitely staring at him.
"This is just like the time you wanted to fuck that Barry guy on the train and not me!" a voice proclaimed. Bethany looked over just in time to see Silent Bob elbowing Jay in a familiar way. "Us," Jay amended.
"Jay! Bob!" Bethany said, elated, and hurried over to give them both a hug.
Holden was soon standing at her side. "You know these two dirt merchants?" he asked.
Bethany laughed and swatted Jay away as he tried to hump her. "Know 'em? I followed them to Jersey...twice." She grinned at Silent Bob. "How've you been?" Bob shrugged.
"I gotsta let you know..." Jay said, looking almost serious, "I got a girlfriend when I went to Hollywood. But I can probably still fuck you on the side, until she gets out of jail."
"That's such a nice offer," Bethany said dryly. "Wait...girlfriend? Jail? *Hollywood*?"
Jay smiled, striking a 'pimp' pose. "You wanna go do it right now? You can still fuck Silent Bob all you want, all he got was a monkey." Silent Bob nodded enthusiastically.
"Back up...someone tell me what the fuck is going on...a monkey?"
Holden laughed. "It's a long, strange story... See, my friend Banky and I used to draw this comic together, Bluntman and Chronic. Eventually we broke it off, I signed my half of the rights over to him, and he sold it to Miramax."
"Oh my God!" Bethany said, clapping a hand to her mouth. "I saw that movie! It sucked," she added as an afterthought. "Lucky you, not signing your name to that piece of shit."
"You're telling me," Holden said. "Hey, want to finish this over dinner? My treat."
"You're not gonna end up talking her into a fucking three-way with Banky, are ya?" Jay asked. "'Cause, you know, she was my girlfriend --*our* girlfriend," he amended with another elbow to the ribs, "first."
"Fucker, shut up," Holden said, looking quite irritated. "So," he turned to Bethany, "dinner?"
"Sure, lead the way."
~~~~~
"So these two fucks decided that they didn't want Banky and company down at Miramax to make them a quote, 'bad name', unquote. Though that idea still seems a tad farfetched to me. But anyhow, they dragged their stupid asses all the way to California, managing to steal a monkey and get unwittingly involved in a crime ring."
As Holden held center stage, Bethany was cracking up. Silent Bob looked a little embarrassed at the tale. Jay was too stoned to notice, or if he did, he was too stoned to care.
"You stole a monkey?" Bethany choked out, and Bob nodded.
"So they end up taking half the money Banky made, and use it to --get this," Holden said, laughing, "they use it to fly around the country, and beat up all the idiots who said shit about them on the Internet!"
Bethany and Holden erupted in laughter. Bob grinned, mildly embarrassed. Jay was enraged. "If those fucks had been saying shit about you, you would've beat the shit out of them too!" he spat. "Well, maybe not, 'cause you're a little pussy bitch."
"Yeah, you wrote the book on pussy bitches, didn't ya, Jay," Holden said nonchalantly, swigging the last of his beer.
Jay glared, but was too stoned to come up with a suitable comeback other than a mumbled 'fuck you'.
"You know, I saw that Bluntman and Chronic movie. It sucked," Bethany contributed, drinking her beer.
"You said that before."
"It needed to be said twice. I never realized they were the basis for it." She grinned at Holden, toasting her empty bottle to him. "You upset about not cashing in on it?"
"Well, every now and then I get a moment of 'what the fuck was I thinking?'" Holden said, smiling at her in a way that he hadn't smiled in a long time. He hated to admit it--but he was attracted to Bethany. "So, tell me about yourself. How'd you come to meet these two?"
"I don't know..." she started tantalizingly. "The last time I told this story --the *only* time I told this story-- it was totally to the wrong person. And they tried to kill me."
Holden gaped. "Someone tried to kill *you*? That seems so unlikely."
"Believe it," Bethany said knowingly, falling into her mild drunkenness. Fortunately this time, she had Jay and Silent Bob looking out for her. "Okay. Do you believe in God?"
Holden shrugged. "At times I find it hard to believe that someone's looking out for me at *all*, much less a disembodied nothingness that happens to be watching everyone else, but for the most part, yes. I do. Why?"
"Well, at the time I was having this huge crisis of faith..."
Disclaimer: no one mentioned belongs to me, I guarantee it.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
From the grand tour of Red Bank she'd been taking today, it was a wonder she hadn't run into Jay and Silent Bob by now. With some help from the locals, she'd been able to find the infamous Secret Stash, and was accosted by a wacko eating pretzels as she came in the door.
"I don't think I've ever seen you here before," he said.
"I haven't been here before," she replied, and tried to sidestep him.
He would have none of it. "Let me guess, hoping to find your wayward boyfriend here so you can drag his ass home and have him make you dinner? Or maybe even dump him in a public setting because you're just so fucking pissed of him ditching you for comics?"
"None of the above, thanks," she said shortly. "I'm from out of town. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to browse. Unless you think that scaring away customers is a *good* idea."
"Touche."
Bethany was now wandering aimlessly, too tired to pay attention to much, and she bumped into someone. She whirled around, instantly remorse. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"
"Oh, no, I'm fine," the guy said. And Bethany got a good look at him.
It couldn't be.
"Bartleby..?" Bethany said, totally confused. From Jay's reports in the aftermath, Bartleby had met his fate courtesy of a forgiving God. But here he was, standing before her, bigger hair, a five o'clock shadow, and a decided lack of hoodie, wings, or breastplate.
"No, no..." he smiled, held out a hand. "Holden. Holden McNeil."
Bethany shook his hand numbly. "Hi."
Holden frowned at her, obviously concerned. "You alright?"
"You just look so much like someone I know--used to know..." she answered, a bit dazed and definitely staring at him.
"This is just like the time you wanted to fuck that Barry guy on the train and not me!" a voice proclaimed. Bethany looked over just in time to see Silent Bob elbowing Jay in a familiar way. "Us," Jay amended.
"Jay! Bob!" Bethany said, elated, and hurried over to give them both a hug.
Holden was soon standing at her side. "You know these two dirt merchants?" he asked.
Bethany laughed and swatted Jay away as he tried to hump her. "Know 'em? I followed them to Jersey...twice." She grinned at Silent Bob. "How've you been?" Bob shrugged.
"I gotsta let you know..." Jay said, looking almost serious, "I got a girlfriend when I went to Hollywood. But I can probably still fuck you on the side, until she gets out of jail."
"That's such a nice offer," Bethany said dryly. "Wait...girlfriend? Jail? *Hollywood*?"
Jay smiled, striking a 'pimp' pose. "You wanna go do it right now? You can still fuck Silent Bob all you want, all he got was a monkey." Silent Bob nodded enthusiastically.
"Back up...someone tell me what the fuck is going on...a monkey?"
Holden laughed. "It's a long, strange story... See, my friend Banky and I used to draw this comic together, Bluntman and Chronic. Eventually we broke it off, I signed my half of the rights over to him, and he sold it to Miramax."
"Oh my God!" Bethany said, clapping a hand to her mouth. "I saw that movie! It sucked," she added as an afterthought. "Lucky you, not signing your name to that piece of shit."
"You're telling me," Holden said. "Hey, want to finish this over dinner? My treat."
"You're not gonna end up talking her into a fucking three-way with Banky, are ya?" Jay asked. "'Cause, you know, she was my girlfriend --*our* girlfriend," he amended with another elbow to the ribs, "first."
"Fucker, shut up," Holden said, looking quite irritated. "So," he turned to Bethany, "dinner?"
"Sure, lead the way."
~~~~~
"So these two fucks decided that they didn't want Banky and company down at Miramax to make them a quote, 'bad name', unquote. Though that idea still seems a tad farfetched to me. But anyhow, they dragged their stupid asses all the way to California, managing to steal a monkey and get unwittingly involved in a crime ring."
As Holden held center stage, Bethany was cracking up. Silent Bob looked a little embarrassed at the tale. Jay was too stoned to notice, or if he did, he was too stoned to care.
"You stole a monkey?" Bethany choked out, and Bob nodded.
"So they end up taking half the money Banky made, and use it to --get this," Holden said, laughing, "they use it to fly around the country, and beat up all the idiots who said shit about them on the Internet!"
Bethany and Holden erupted in laughter. Bob grinned, mildly embarrassed. Jay was enraged. "If those fucks had been saying shit about you, you would've beat the shit out of them too!" he spat. "Well, maybe not, 'cause you're a little pussy bitch."
"Yeah, you wrote the book on pussy bitches, didn't ya, Jay," Holden said nonchalantly, swigging the last of his beer.
Jay glared, but was too stoned to come up with a suitable comeback other than a mumbled 'fuck you'.
"You know, I saw that Bluntman and Chronic movie. It sucked," Bethany contributed, drinking her beer.
"You said that before."
"It needed to be said twice. I never realized they were the basis for it." She grinned at Holden, toasting her empty bottle to him. "You upset about not cashing in on it?"
"Well, every now and then I get a moment of 'what the fuck was I thinking?'" Holden said, smiling at her in a way that he hadn't smiled in a long time. He hated to admit it--but he was attracted to Bethany. "So, tell me about yourself. How'd you come to meet these two?"
"I don't know..." she started tantalizingly. "The last time I told this story --the *only* time I told this story-- it was totally to the wrong person. And they tried to kill me."
Holden gaped. "Someone tried to kill *you*? That seems so unlikely."
"Believe it," Bethany said knowingly, falling into her mild drunkenness. Fortunately this time, she had Jay and Silent Bob looking out for her. "Okay. Do you believe in God?"
Holden shrugged. "At times I find it hard to believe that someone's looking out for me at *all*, much less a disembodied nothingness that happens to be watching everyone else, but for the most part, yes. I do. Why?"
"Well, at the time I was having this huge crisis of faith..."
