Damn, I wish I was your lover
By RaVen0us
----
Part seven: flames of passion
Early the following day, while a trace of dew still misted the dry scrubland surrounding the fort, Karl walked to his headquarters. The days of summer were wearing on, and dawn came down a bit later each morning. A faint pink glow tinted the remaining tree tops in the bare mountains over looking the military fort.
Today he'd almost left the brooch on his dressing table. What if it's really was the cause of all his problems? But as soon as that idea crossed his mind, he'd stubbornly clip on the brooch. It was absolutely ridiculous to think that a small gold chain and a chunk of stone could create havoc in his well-ordered life and give him shameful thoughts about a man he had regarded with disdain just a few short weeks ago.
He thought again of what Irvine had told him about being a ranger. He felt certain he'd been involved with the law somehow, and BEFORE he was on the other side of it. Apparently, Van and Thomas were right, little did they know: Irvine lived the life he lead before and came here to escape a personal tragedy. And that made things harder for Karl. Rather than making him weak, in the colonel's view he was all the more attractive.
When he arrived at his headquarters, his eyes strayed to the next building and to its small window. He hadn't seen much of that side of the place before since Irvine occupied the space. But Karl knew what the scanty furniture looked like, and it wasn't at all difficult for him to imagine Irvine asleep on the bed. It would be warm in that room. He could picture him lying nearly naked on the mattress, boneless and relaxed, with just a sheet thrown over his hips. A one-day beard stubble would cast a shadow on his jaw, and Karl's imagination drifted down his throat to his chest to watch it rise and fall with the nearly imperceptible breathing of deep sleep. A combination of tenderness and ardor stirred within Karl, following immediately by scorching embarrassment. He looked up and down the quiet main path, as though his every thought was visible to anyone who might be looking at him.
Weren't his dreams about Irvine had enough? He wondered as he dragged his gaze from his window. Now his mind was straying from forbidden images during his waking hours.
He walked quickly to his own door and unlocked it. Immediately the wonderful scents of nearly a decade filled his head. As proud as he was that Leon had confessed his feelings for him, he told Irvine the truth: a wave of homesickness swept over him whenever he thought of leaving his office quarters, and worse, leaving it in Thomas's charge. If only they could stay near that place for awhile after they 'married', to begin their new lives here, and to give him a little more time with the base. But nothing in life remained the same; he thought as he walked through the stock room, no matter how much we might wish for it. He wished he had his younger brother's adventuresome spirit.
In the dim stock room, he frowned and noticed the mess that the maintenance team have left and found some sets of windshield glass that was supposedly washed and move to the next area. With a sigh, he decided to get things moving himself and picked up a bucket to go out and pump some water.
As soon as he put his hand on the knob, he was again struck with a vague feeling of light-headedness, as though he'd stood up too fast. But he hadn't been sitting. The bucket slipped from his hand and hit the floor with a thud. Fresh air would make him feel better, he decided, opening the door. The sun was bright and he pulled his cap closer to shade his eyes. He breathed deeply, if these spells didn't go away---he has to go to the infirmary sooner or later. The doctor's diagnosis would be probably lack of sleep.
Finally, the feeling passed, and he was about to step out of the door when he saw something bright on the stoop.
His heart flip-flopped in his chest, in a battle of joy and fear. At his feet was the basket that he'd taken to Irvine filled with cookies. He returned it to him filled with flowers. Black-eyed Susans, bachelor's buttons, daisies, Queen Anne's lace, and graceful stalks of lavender, all damp with dew, tumbled out of the basket. They were beautiful.
As the colonel reached down to pick up the basket he heard the sound of water splashing. He leaned out the door and saw Irvine shaving in front of a mirror hung on the wall. A towel was slung over his bare shoulder and his razor flashed in the morning sun. His slacks were buttoned this time, but they hung so low, they seemed suspended on his hipbones.
He was achingly handsome, he thought. He looked at his shoulders, at the light and shadow created by the movement of muscles under his skin, at the tight, narrow tapering of his waist. He knew he shouldn't look at him this way, but he was impossible to ignore.
"Irvine?" His voice sounded small and high to his own ears.
Irvine looked up at the sound of Karl's voice. He stood in the doorway, clutching the basket of flowers he'd left for him, looking hesitant and vulnerable. With one quick glance in the mirror, he scraped the last of the lather off his face and wiped it with a towel. Then he threw both the towel and the blade on the nearby table, and walked slowly towards him.
He gestured at the basket. "Thank you for the flowers. I---well---" His cheeks turned a becoming shade of pink, and his eyes were wide and full of a strange emotion he couldn't hide.
"I know that you've felt it, too," Irvine said simply.
Karl nodded tersely and then lifted the brooch from its resting place on his right chest and held it out to him. "It has to be because of what Doctor Dee told me about this brooch he gave me. He said if I wore it under a full moon, it would draw my true love to me, and if I kissed that person, we'd be bound for life. Then you kissed me at the New Helix Midsummer event. You weren't supposed to. Leon was supposed to kiss me, and you, suppose to kiss Thomas. And now this is happening to us. But I know it's only the power of suggestion, It MUST be. There is no such thing as magic."
"Maybe not, Karl." He said, smiling at him, "but the Doctor didn't tell me that story. I didn't even know about the brooch. And I can't stop thinking about you. Or dreaming about you."
His pink cheeks reddened. "But---but it's my brother, not I----"
He didn't want to be reminded of that. Instead, he stepped closer and ran his hands up and down his arms, racking the fabric of his sleeves. He'd never noticed before the dimple on his left cheek every time he spoke. Or the graceful arch of his silken brows. "He might change his mind."
"AND I'm acquainted with some one else," Karl said, looking around as if someone might be watching.
"I might change your mind."
"No Irvine, I shouldn't be out here with you. It isn't proper."
"I told you I don't give a damn about what's proper." He said, passion lowering his words to a rumble. "I only care about what's right. It's right with you and me." Irvine could hardly believe he was saying this. He'd never expected to tell that to any person again, much less Karl Schubaltz. But he meant it.
He gripped his gloved hand and stared down into his pretty, upturned face. His faint, sweet fragrance went right to his heart, compelling to kiss the corner of his mouth, the smooth spot below his ear, the tip of his nose.
"Karl," he whispered, and with a small anguished cry, the colonel dropped the basket and flung his arms around him.
----
Inexorably, the plans went forward for the colonel's leave and journeying with Leon, as if they both had a life and momentum of their own. And even though he stopped wearing the amulet, he and Irvine took every opportunity to meet. Theirs was a difficult secret to keep. He wanted to chatter about him to anyone who would listen. Of course, he couldn't, but if it was noticed that he'd stop complaining about the slacking pilot next to his headquarters, it wasn't remarked upon.
Irvine found him easy to converse with, and Karl learned things about him he was certain he'd share with very few others. He talked about his years as a ranger. The colonel touched on the edges of his history as the responsible officer and older brother. Irvine had good ideas for heightening the defense of the imperial army and Karl suggested ways that how his skills with customizing zoids might expand.
And whether they were talking or not, they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
Sometimes he'd go to his place early in the morning and they'd spend half an hour together, sharing fevered urgent kisses, made all the more intense by the secrecy forced upon them. Other times, Irvine would come to him if he is working late in his headquarters, bringing supper from the private cafeteria. Inevitably, the brief evenings would end up with the two of them in each other's arms, frantically trying to get enough of what was never enough.
During the process of fixing his paper works and going to farewell parties held by his fellow officers, he will stood in one corner, watching his brother and Leon mingle with others and getting stuffed merry with liquor and food. Looking at them, he felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. It wasn't that he was no longer chaste, in the technical sense. The fires between him and Irvine burned hot (though not as hot as hellfire, he was miserably positive.), but their relationship remained unconsummated. Just barely.
To justify the time he spent at the headquarters, Karl's used the very real excuse that he was tying up all the loose ends before turning the responsibility to Thomas. The lieutenant was showing infinitesimal improvement in his business skills, easing the colonel's mind to the same degree.
Elation and guilt wracked him whenever he thought of Irvine, which was most of his waking hours. His sense of duty ran strong and deep. Irvine had said that the right and proper were not always the same. But doing the proper thing had never produced so much guilt----or rapture---as his relationship with Irvine. What was he going to do? He asked himself again and again.
"You can't go with him, Karl." Irvine said early one morning as they sat together on a bench behind the building eating breakfast. The low sun glinted off the dark streaks of his rough hair, and it made him squint. The colonel's departure was two and a half weeks away. "We're meant for each other. I can feel it and I know you can too. Do what's right, not what's proper." A muscle in his jaw tightened.
"But if you give your word to someone, it IS the right thing to honor your pledge. Isn't it, Irvine?"
"Not if both of you will be miserable," he said. He put down his coffee cup and took his gloved hands in his tight grip. "Do you love him?"
"Leon has been a longtime friend, he's fair and decent. I have a lot of respect for him. Everyone here respects him as they respect me."
"That's not what I asked you, Karl. Do YOU love him?"
He dropped his green gaze to his lap. How could he say yes? Love had never been mentioned, not when Leon proposed to him, or at any time since. And although he'd known him for years, they'd spend very little time together even before they became engaged. He'd been so busy getting ready for their trip, and he'd been occupied with his leave preparations. When he didn't answer, Irvine gently removed his cap and raised his chin with a finger, forcing him to look at him.
"I'll tell you what I think," he said, a trace of anger in his voice. "I don't think Leon was planning not to marry. It will be taboo. When he suggested about taking this 'journey', he told you that you will be traveling to certain places right?"
"Someone offered him a deal that he could travel certain places, these are uncharted colonies" Karl retorted, "It is an honor that he chose me to be his companion to such journey."
"Uncharted colonies are risky, and probably those who offered it knew that if he could bring at least a notable officer along, it would be that much better. So they can use your influence for territory expansion. And which man here in this place fit that bill?"
Karl's insides clenched, but he said nothing. The seed of this troubling suspicion had already been planted when Leon implied it at the New Helix midsummer event.
Irvine continued with his voice tight. "And somewhere along the way, you got the idea that you aren't sensitive enough, or desirable enough to attract a mate, so when Leon proposed to you, you accepted."
Then somehow, the colonel realized in his heart he hadn't merely accepted the proposal. He was grateful to get it, pathetically grateful.
"Are you trying to imply that he does not care at all?" Karl tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but even how stoical sounding it seems; it trembled with choked back tears.
Irvine pulled him into his grasp and drew his ashen blonde head to his shoulder. His voice lost its anger and became suffused with tenderness. "No, I don't mean that at all. I know Leon is a good man. He cares about you too, and I know he respects you." He rested his chin on the top of his crown of blond hair and let out a deep sigh. I just wish you weren't going away with him."
Karl rested his cheek against his shirt, and wondered why heartache was the reward for doing right.
-continued, yes I'm getting there-
By RaVen0us
----
Part seven: flames of passion
Early the following day, while a trace of dew still misted the dry scrubland surrounding the fort, Karl walked to his headquarters. The days of summer were wearing on, and dawn came down a bit later each morning. A faint pink glow tinted the remaining tree tops in the bare mountains over looking the military fort.
Today he'd almost left the brooch on his dressing table. What if it's really was the cause of all his problems? But as soon as that idea crossed his mind, he'd stubbornly clip on the brooch. It was absolutely ridiculous to think that a small gold chain and a chunk of stone could create havoc in his well-ordered life and give him shameful thoughts about a man he had regarded with disdain just a few short weeks ago.
He thought again of what Irvine had told him about being a ranger. He felt certain he'd been involved with the law somehow, and BEFORE he was on the other side of it. Apparently, Van and Thomas were right, little did they know: Irvine lived the life he lead before and came here to escape a personal tragedy. And that made things harder for Karl. Rather than making him weak, in the colonel's view he was all the more attractive.
When he arrived at his headquarters, his eyes strayed to the next building and to its small window. He hadn't seen much of that side of the place before since Irvine occupied the space. But Karl knew what the scanty furniture looked like, and it wasn't at all difficult for him to imagine Irvine asleep on the bed. It would be warm in that room. He could picture him lying nearly naked on the mattress, boneless and relaxed, with just a sheet thrown over his hips. A one-day beard stubble would cast a shadow on his jaw, and Karl's imagination drifted down his throat to his chest to watch it rise and fall with the nearly imperceptible breathing of deep sleep. A combination of tenderness and ardor stirred within Karl, following immediately by scorching embarrassment. He looked up and down the quiet main path, as though his every thought was visible to anyone who might be looking at him.
Weren't his dreams about Irvine had enough? He wondered as he dragged his gaze from his window. Now his mind was straying from forbidden images during his waking hours.
He walked quickly to his own door and unlocked it. Immediately the wonderful scents of nearly a decade filled his head. As proud as he was that Leon had confessed his feelings for him, he told Irvine the truth: a wave of homesickness swept over him whenever he thought of leaving his office quarters, and worse, leaving it in Thomas's charge. If only they could stay near that place for awhile after they 'married', to begin their new lives here, and to give him a little more time with the base. But nothing in life remained the same; he thought as he walked through the stock room, no matter how much we might wish for it. He wished he had his younger brother's adventuresome spirit.
In the dim stock room, he frowned and noticed the mess that the maintenance team have left and found some sets of windshield glass that was supposedly washed and move to the next area. With a sigh, he decided to get things moving himself and picked up a bucket to go out and pump some water.
As soon as he put his hand on the knob, he was again struck with a vague feeling of light-headedness, as though he'd stood up too fast. But he hadn't been sitting. The bucket slipped from his hand and hit the floor with a thud. Fresh air would make him feel better, he decided, opening the door. The sun was bright and he pulled his cap closer to shade his eyes. He breathed deeply, if these spells didn't go away---he has to go to the infirmary sooner or later. The doctor's diagnosis would be probably lack of sleep.
Finally, the feeling passed, and he was about to step out of the door when he saw something bright on the stoop.
His heart flip-flopped in his chest, in a battle of joy and fear. At his feet was the basket that he'd taken to Irvine filled with cookies. He returned it to him filled with flowers. Black-eyed Susans, bachelor's buttons, daisies, Queen Anne's lace, and graceful stalks of lavender, all damp with dew, tumbled out of the basket. They were beautiful.
As the colonel reached down to pick up the basket he heard the sound of water splashing. He leaned out the door and saw Irvine shaving in front of a mirror hung on the wall. A towel was slung over his bare shoulder and his razor flashed in the morning sun. His slacks were buttoned this time, but they hung so low, they seemed suspended on his hipbones.
He was achingly handsome, he thought. He looked at his shoulders, at the light and shadow created by the movement of muscles under his skin, at the tight, narrow tapering of his waist. He knew he shouldn't look at him this way, but he was impossible to ignore.
"Irvine?" His voice sounded small and high to his own ears.
Irvine looked up at the sound of Karl's voice. He stood in the doorway, clutching the basket of flowers he'd left for him, looking hesitant and vulnerable. With one quick glance in the mirror, he scraped the last of the lather off his face and wiped it with a towel. Then he threw both the towel and the blade on the nearby table, and walked slowly towards him.
He gestured at the basket. "Thank you for the flowers. I---well---" His cheeks turned a becoming shade of pink, and his eyes were wide and full of a strange emotion he couldn't hide.
"I know that you've felt it, too," Irvine said simply.
Karl nodded tersely and then lifted the brooch from its resting place on his right chest and held it out to him. "It has to be because of what Doctor Dee told me about this brooch he gave me. He said if I wore it under a full moon, it would draw my true love to me, and if I kissed that person, we'd be bound for life. Then you kissed me at the New Helix Midsummer event. You weren't supposed to. Leon was supposed to kiss me, and you, suppose to kiss Thomas. And now this is happening to us. But I know it's only the power of suggestion, It MUST be. There is no such thing as magic."
"Maybe not, Karl." He said, smiling at him, "but the Doctor didn't tell me that story. I didn't even know about the brooch. And I can't stop thinking about you. Or dreaming about you."
His pink cheeks reddened. "But---but it's my brother, not I----"
He didn't want to be reminded of that. Instead, he stepped closer and ran his hands up and down his arms, racking the fabric of his sleeves. He'd never noticed before the dimple on his left cheek every time he spoke. Or the graceful arch of his silken brows. "He might change his mind."
"AND I'm acquainted with some one else," Karl said, looking around as if someone might be watching.
"I might change your mind."
"No Irvine, I shouldn't be out here with you. It isn't proper."
"I told you I don't give a damn about what's proper." He said, passion lowering his words to a rumble. "I only care about what's right. It's right with you and me." Irvine could hardly believe he was saying this. He'd never expected to tell that to any person again, much less Karl Schubaltz. But he meant it.
He gripped his gloved hand and stared down into his pretty, upturned face. His faint, sweet fragrance went right to his heart, compelling to kiss the corner of his mouth, the smooth spot below his ear, the tip of his nose.
"Karl," he whispered, and with a small anguished cry, the colonel dropped the basket and flung his arms around him.
----
Inexorably, the plans went forward for the colonel's leave and journeying with Leon, as if they both had a life and momentum of their own. And even though he stopped wearing the amulet, he and Irvine took every opportunity to meet. Theirs was a difficult secret to keep. He wanted to chatter about him to anyone who would listen. Of course, he couldn't, but if it was noticed that he'd stop complaining about the slacking pilot next to his headquarters, it wasn't remarked upon.
Irvine found him easy to converse with, and Karl learned things about him he was certain he'd share with very few others. He talked about his years as a ranger. The colonel touched on the edges of his history as the responsible officer and older brother. Irvine had good ideas for heightening the defense of the imperial army and Karl suggested ways that how his skills with customizing zoids might expand.
And whether they were talking or not, they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
Sometimes he'd go to his place early in the morning and they'd spend half an hour together, sharing fevered urgent kisses, made all the more intense by the secrecy forced upon them. Other times, Irvine would come to him if he is working late in his headquarters, bringing supper from the private cafeteria. Inevitably, the brief evenings would end up with the two of them in each other's arms, frantically trying to get enough of what was never enough.
During the process of fixing his paper works and going to farewell parties held by his fellow officers, he will stood in one corner, watching his brother and Leon mingle with others and getting stuffed merry with liquor and food. Looking at them, he felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. It wasn't that he was no longer chaste, in the technical sense. The fires between him and Irvine burned hot (though not as hot as hellfire, he was miserably positive.), but their relationship remained unconsummated. Just barely.
To justify the time he spent at the headquarters, Karl's used the very real excuse that he was tying up all the loose ends before turning the responsibility to Thomas. The lieutenant was showing infinitesimal improvement in his business skills, easing the colonel's mind to the same degree.
Elation and guilt wracked him whenever he thought of Irvine, which was most of his waking hours. His sense of duty ran strong and deep. Irvine had said that the right and proper were not always the same. But doing the proper thing had never produced so much guilt----or rapture---as his relationship with Irvine. What was he going to do? He asked himself again and again.
"You can't go with him, Karl." Irvine said early one morning as they sat together on a bench behind the building eating breakfast. The low sun glinted off the dark streaks of his rough hair, and it made him squint. The colonel's departure was two and a half weeks away. "We're meant for each other. I can feel it and I know you can too. Do what's right, not what's proper." A muscle in his jaw tightened.
"But if you give your word to someone, it IS the right thing to honor your pledge. Isn't it, Irvine?"
"Not if both of you will be miserable," he said. He put down his coffee cup and took his gloved hands in his tight grip. "Do you love him?"
"Leon has been a longtime friend, he's fair and decent. I have a lot of respect for him. Everyone here respects him as they respect me."
"That's not what I asked you, Karl. Do YOU love him?"
He dropped his green gaze to his lap. How could he say yes? Love had never been mentioned, not when Leon proposed to him, or at any time since. And although he'd known him for years, they'd spend very little time together even before they became engaged. He'd been so busy getting ready for their trip, and he'd been occupied with his leave preparations. When he didn't answer, Irvine gently removed his cap and raised his chin with a finger, forcing him to look at him.
"I'll tell you what I think," he said, a trace of anger in his voice. "I don't think Leon was planning not to marry. It will be taboo. When he suggested about taking this 'journey', he told you that you will be traveling to certain places right?"
"Someone offered him a deal that he could travel certain places, these are uncharted colonies" Karl retorted, "It is an honor that he chose me to be his companion to such journey."
"Uncharted colonies are risky, and probably those who offered it knew that if he could bring at least a notable officer along, it would be that much better. So they can use your influence for territory expansion. And which man here in this place fit that bill?"
Karl's insides clenched, but he said nothing. The seed of this troubling suspicion had already been planted when Leon implied it at the New Helix midsummer event.
Irvine continued with his voice tight. "And somewhere along the way, you got the idea that you aren't sensitive enough, or desirable enough to attract a mate, so when Leon proposed to you, you accepted."
Then somehow, the colonel realized in his heart he hadn't merely accepted the proposal. He was grateful to get it, pathetically grateful.
"Are you trying to imply that he does not care at all?" Karl tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but even how stoical sounding it seems; it trembled with choked back tears.
Irvine pulled him into his grasp and drew his ashen blonde head to his shoulder. His voice lost its anger and became suffused with tenderness. "No, I don't mean that at all. I know Leon is a good man. He cares about you too, and I know he respects you." He rested his chin on the top of his crown of blond hair and let out a deep sigh. I just wish you weren't going away with him."
Karl rested his cheek against his shirt, and wondered why heartache was the reward for doing right.
-continued, yes I'm getting there-
