Damn, I wish I was your lover

By RaVen0us

NOTE: Yes, you guys hate cliffhangers---but I love it! Wee! ^^; another cliffhanger chapter, almost nearing to the conclusion!!!

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Part eight: Torn

"Do come on, bro." Thomas called from the hall. "We were supposed to be in New Helix at seven o'clock. It's already seven-fifteen and Leon went on without us."

"I'll be there in a minute," Karl answered. He looked under his table and pulled open the drawers. He patted the pockets of his uniform, rifted at the stockpile of paper works and scanned the floor.

It just wasn't here. The brooch was nowhere to be found. Even though he was no longer wore it, he'd look at it from time to time, trying to decide if it had truly brought him and Irvine together. Taking it off hadn't dimmed their attraction to each other.

He'd been so distracted lately, he'd probably put it in some safe place. Except now he couldn't remember where that might be. Not that he'd planned to wear it tonight. Not after what had happened when he'd worn it to the last social event. Everything in his life had been turned upside down and become hopelessly complicated.

Even though the brooch didn't have any mystical powers, there was no point in tempting providence by wearing it again. But he didn't like not knowing where it was.

"Kaa-rl!" Thomas called again, his impatience obvious in his singsongy tone.

Karl smoothed his hair and placed his cap. Taking a deep breath, he hoped that the event tonight at New Helix would be uneventful.

----

The festivities were well underway and Karl avoided the stupid punch bowl as much as possible and looked for Thomas to take his place talking with some younger cadets so he could get some air. But when he finally spotted his brother, headed toward the door, he saw a sparkling red-purple stone resting on the upper breast pocket of Thomas' proper uniform.

His brooch! Now he knew why he couldn't find it. The lieutenant had taken it without bothering to ask permission. He must have thought it goes wonderful with his other set of imperial uniform (which officers wore nicely in gatherings). And he must have put the brooch in his pocket while they walked over here so Karl wouldn't see it. They'd certainly discuss it when they got home.

Karl glanced around for someone else to spell him when Doctor Dee found his way to his table.

"Here is to one of the greatest officers ever to grace Guylos. They've got you stuck near that punch bowl again, eh, Colonel?" Doctor Dee said musingly. Although Karl would likely to enjoy talking to him, aside about the stupid brooch that is. However, tonight his mind is elsewhere. The best he could manage were polite, distracted responses.

"Me and the boys were just saying the other day what a lucky man your friend Leon is," the doctor continued. He nodded towards Leon where he stood talking with the crowd of young people in the door way. "Not only did he get a good companion, he got a notable officer just when he needed one for the journey. Yes, such a lucky man he is."

Karl, who'd also been looking at Leon, turned his eyes sharply to the old man's florid face. Was that what EVERYONE thought? But he smiled at him politely. "Thank you, doctor."

"It's quite sad to see that you also have to leave your duty. But well, people have their reasons. Why, I remember when Van took a temporary leave, it so happen he is planning to marry Fiona after all! And those two---well, they surprised almost everyone when they eloped!" He let out a cackle that reminded the colonel of a hen that just laid an egg.

"I'm afraid I won't be serving punch just now, Doctor." Karl interjected over his high-pitch chortle, hoping to distract him and send him on his way.

Pulling out a big white handkerchief, he mopped his sweating forehead, and then stuffed the square linen into his back pocket. "What? Oh, it's just a joke. Colonel." He opened his jacket to reveal a silver flask. "I got all the punch I need right here."

He waved and shuffled off, and Karl watched him go with a feeling of relief. It was hot and stuffy and he wanted a break. He made his way to the door, looking for Leon.

Outdoors, the heat and noise of the dance faded, and Karl heard the faint call of crickets. He wandered a bit further over the dry grass and found a hay bale from the last midsummer party, seeing no one was around, he decided to sit on it. It was a lovely evening, not too warm, and lighted by a full moon, the one under which Irvine kissed him that first time.

Irvine. He wasn't here tonight, and the colonel supposed he should be grateful for that. It would be difficult to have both Leon and him in the same room----even a room as big as the New Helix social hall---and pretend indifference. If Leon even noticed.

Several people had mentioned they wish that he wouldn't resign and take his leave. One week from tonight, he would be off and then---to the arms of his friend/lover Leon. In one week, he'd be gone from Thomas and his old place, gone from his post-

Gone from Irvine,

He put his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his gloved hands. It couldn't go on like this. It wasn't fair to any of them. He'd have to decide. He looked across the moon frosted landscape to where couples were seated on hay bales. While none of them were engaged in what he would have once referred to as immodest behavior, he noticed heads together and arms linked. He felt, rather than saw, the affection and yearning that emanated from them like an invisible energy. Was he only aware of that energy now that he had experienced it?

One couple was more demonstrative than the others. They stood in the deepest shadows of the oak tree and clung to each other with a palpable, desperate passion. Their behavior was indeed immodest. Sighing, Karl supposed he'd better go and see if he could find Leon to speak to them. He certainly didn't feel equal to the task. He rose and walked toward the hall, glancing back at the two. For a fraction of a second, he saw what he thought was the small red spark of a match flare between them. That grass was too dry to be carelessly lightning matches. The whole field would go up.

As Karl neared the hall, he paused to brush the hay off his slacks in the yellow light pouring through the open doors. Around the lanterns by the door, moths fluttered in circles, bumping the glass chimneys.

"Bro, there you are. I've been looking for you." Thomas hurried up to him from the darkness beyond. His usual pallor was flushed as if he was struck with a fever and his sharp green emerald eyes were unusually wide. His breath came in short gasps as though he'd been running.

Karl clutched his arm. "Thomas! What happened? You don't look well."

"I'll be all right, but really, Karl, I think I'd like to go home now." Suspended from its gold chain near the lieutenant's slim neck, the brooch glowed like an ember in the lantern light.

"Yes, of course, we'll leave right now. I'll just tell Leon."

"NO! No, you stay. I can get home by myself. I'll be fine."

Karl had never known his brother to act like this. "But you can't walk unescorted. It wouldn't be proper." The word slipped out before he had a chance to think. Proper----it was what Irvine talked about.

"I'm not worried," Thomas said. "I just want to get away from here. I need some time to myself. Please." He gave his older brother a searching, almost anguished look that scared Karl.

The colonel released his arm with some reluctance. "All right, Tommy," he said quietly. "You go on. I'll follow soon."

The lieutenant whirled and sped across the grass. When he reached the road, he started to run. Karl watched him until he was out of sight. What could have happened to him? Had someone said something to hurt his brother?

He hoped it's not what he thinks it is. Could it---that Thomas know?

Suddenly Leon came around the corner of the building.

"Oh, Leon," he said. "I'm so glad I found you."

"Karl, what's wrong? You look so upset," he said.

"It's Thomas. I don't know if he's ill or hurt---he wouldn't tell me. But he ran away, saying he wanted to go home. It worries me that he's out there by himself. Will you go and find him, please, Leon, and make sure he gets home safely?"

He turned to look at the direction Thomas had taken, his face full of concern. "Yes, of course I'll go. He shouldn't be wandering around at this time of the night."

Just then Karl felt a light pinch on his elbow. With a start, he turned to see Irvine.

"Good evening, colonel sir," he said with the right amount of formality. "Leon."

"Mr. Irvine, wait. If I could have just a moment of your time," Leon said, his tone commanding, challenging.

Karl froze, his heart bumping around his chest like a bee in a jar. He watched Irvine turn slowly toward them, a chill, blank smile fixed on his face. Suddenly, he knew what an outlaw might have felt facing Irvine over the point of a gun. God, no, he thought, please don't let this be happening. Leon didn't know---couldn't know-

"What can I do for you, Leon?" Irvine asked evenly.

"Irvine, you could do me a tremendous favor, as a matter if fact." Leon looked as tensed and tightly drawn as Karl ever seen him.

Irvine straightened, squaring his shoulders. The wind blew his hair, and the loose ends of his tied bandana behind his shoulders. "And what might that be?"

"If you could escort the colonel home, I appreciate it very much. I need to attend to a small emergency, and I don't know if I'll be back in time to escort him myself."

Karl quietly released his breath.

Irvine relaxed ever so slightly, too. "Sure, I'd be glad to."

Leon nodded once and rushed off.

----

Irvine pulled him aside. "I hope you're ready to leave now because I want to talk to you," he said, his voice stern.

"W-Why?" Karl never realized how intimidating he could be.

"I think you know why." He took his arm and led him away from the din of music and laughter. Karl felt tension in his hand where it gripped his elbow. Irvine maintained his silence as they walked through the darkness, and the colonel was afraid to break it.

Irvine didn't speak because he was so angry, he was afraid he'd say something he'd regret. He knew what he had to do, but he also knew that when he'd said the words, there would be no retracting them. It tied his stomach in knots.

He felt Karl's apprehension as he walked beside him. He wished he could reassure him, but deeper than his anger it was jealousy. He was jealous of Leon, and it made him feel small.

As they neared his headquarters he stopped and turned to him. The moon highlighted his eyes and hair. He looked like an angel, beautiful and ethereal. If only someone had told him how good-looking he was while he was growing up he might not have felt compelled to go with a man he didn't love, and who didn't love him, just because he'd asked.

"I didn't like the feeling I had back there, Karl---that man was going to accuse me of fiddling around with his comrade. I don't like sneaking around, or having to pretend that you're nothing more than a neighbor to me. And I hate like hell that next Saturday night, he's going to take you into his bed and claim what's mine."

"Irvine!" The colonel gasped, but the former mercenary continued. He had to get the words out before his courage failed him.

"That's the plain truth. I don't like any of it. But I can't change it. You're the only one who can. It's time, Karl. You have to decide. Me or Leon."

"Irvine, not tonight."

He held up his hand to stop his protests. "When then? Your leave is only a week away."

"Give me a couple of days---please."

He threw up his hands. "Why not wait till morning of the departure? There's no hurry," he snapped. He felt his anger slipping away from him.

"Irvine, tomorrow or Friday---it is all the same. If I decide not to be with Leon, it will be just as humiliating to him."

Irvine nodded. "All right, a day or two. And I'm going to stay away so that you can make up your mind. When you've decided, you know where to find me."

The colonel looked small and defenseless. The idea of not seeing him was hell. But he knew he'd better get used to it if he decided----He pulled him into his arms, savoring his softness. Breathing in the fragrance of him, he removed his cap and ran down his hands down the silken dark blonde strands of his hair. "I want you to be happy, Karl. But I want to be happy too."

"I know, I want that for all of us."

Irvine tipped his face up to his and covered his mouth with a long desperate kiss that came from the bottom of his heart. Then he released him. "Go on in, now. I'll wait to hear from you."

"Good night, Irvine." He walked towards the building, into his headquarters, his slacks brushing over the grass and scattering seeds in the moonlight. Just before he reached the front door, he turned and gave him a small wave.

Irvine waved back and waited until the colonel was inside. Then he headed towards his own quarters, feeling more alone than he did the day he left his duty to pursue being a bandit.

-Continued, it's almost there-