Damn, I wish I was your lover

By RaVen0us

Note: It's not yet the final chapter o.o the next one is. But the spoiler is already here. Argh!

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Part ten: The proper thing

Now that the colonel had reached his decision, he felt amazingly free and light. He will not leave with Leon tomorrow morning. He wasn't the first man to change his mind. Far better to disappoint a few people than to live a life of regrets. It would be not be easy to tell Leon, but he looked forward to the joy of telling Irvine. Karl practically flew outside his headquarters and down across the other building. Outside, he stopped and smiled at his office with sheer happiness. He will never have to leave his post.

Karl bounded up to Irvine's door, only to find it locked. He knocked, thinking he might be upstairs, but he heard only silence. The way both he and Thomas disappearing and acting mysteriously, he'll just worried himself gray-haired. He was bound to come back with his dinner; he always did. Karl would leave him a note.

"Please meet me next door as soon as you--" No, wait. He sat with the pen suspended over the paper. How much more fitting to meet him under the big oak next to the dance hall in New Helix. After all, that's where it had all began for them, under a full Midsummer's Eve moon, with the most wonderful kiss he'd ever experienced. He wrote the note and put it in an envelope, then took it out to his back door and wedged it in the frame where he knew he'd see it.

For the next two hours, he puttered around in his office, sifting and re- arranging his desk job He was too excited to concentrate on anything else.

At last he heard the muffled sound of footsteps from outside. He was back. He listened as he walked from the front to back, envisioning his hand on the knob as he opened the back door. When he heard it, he went to the mirror in the store room to smooth his hair and fix his cap. In the glass, he saw that his cheeks were nearly crimson with elation. He certainly wouldn't need to pinch any color into them. He cocked his head at the sound of the front door slamming, followed by boot heels trudging at the cemented ground. His footsteps were like music to his yearning heart.

He came out of the store room and headed toward his own door. Irvine received the note

/I'm coming to you Irvine---I'm coming/

The sun was just setting into a flame red horizon when Karl turned down the road, instructed a soldier to drive him to New Helix, and right to that memorable hall. His pulse thundered in his head, joy and anticipation filled him with such happy exhilaration, he couldn't remember the last time he felt so good.

There it was, soon enough, up ahead on the road is the now deserted dance hall, and that wonderful oak tree. And in the gathering dusk, he saw his dark spiky haired head and felt such an outpouring of love for him, he nearly ran through the jeep's door and strode swiftly the last few yards.

"Irvine!" he called.

But he wasn't alone.

Thomas was with him.

A sense of impending calamity descended upon the colonel, but he wasn't sure why. He only knew that something was VERY wrong.

"Oh, big bro-I mean, colonel sir!" his brother said, with a hard brightness. "What are you doing here?"

From the other side of the road, Leon approached. "Well, this is a surprise." He laughed, awkwardly. "What are we all doing here?"

Yes, what were they all doing here, Karl wondered.

"I know you already knew it before hand, Karl. Our secret is out." Thomas said. His face was white as paper as his eyes skittered to Leon, then to the ashen blonde colonel. He moved a step closer to Irvine and regarded him shyly. "We have been 'together' for nearly two months, and well---he proposed."

"Thomas! Just a---" Irvine began, but the lieutenant leaned against his arm and interrupted him. Thomas gave his brother a shaky smile. "I know that Irvine will be able to help me figure things out when you'll finally take your leave and join with Leon to a journey. I've been kind of worried about that."

Karl gaped at his brother, feeling though as a red horn had swerved towards his body. Or a man had stabbed him in the back.

He glanced at Leon, who looked at the way he felt. Of course---the news was stunning, even to the uninformed. Only Irvine wore that cool blank expression he'd seen before. Certainly, he did. He probably didn't expect Karl to find out that he'd been philandering with both of the Schubaltz brothers.

"Karl---" Irvine said,

Finding his voice, Karl jumped in. He didn't want to hear anything he had to say. He jammed his clammy gloved hands into the pockets of his uniform. "I'm sure Mr. Irvine will be a tremendous help after we've gone, don't you think so, Leon?" As he said this, he stared at Irvine, whose only response was the tightening of his jaw.

"Uh, yes, certainly, a big help." Leon bumbled.

Suddenly all the pieces fell together and made sense. Irvine had always been interested with his younger brother. They both knew it; after all, he'd thought it was Thomas he kissed at that first event. He'd as much as told him so. Then at the last event, Thomas had worn the brooch and, oh, God, Karl, realized. They were probably the passionate couple he'd seen under this very tree. No wonder Thomas had been upset. Karl had been rattled, too, when he'd kissed him. His kisses were so----consuming. Apparently, the only thing that the Doctor's amulet had revealed was that Irvine was attracted to Thomas. And if he convinced Karl to let Leon go to journey alone, then he'd have BOTH brothers. Outrage and desperate hurt collided in his heart. Did he really think he wouldn't find out? He was ten times worse than he'd originally believed.

Karl tipped his cap and placed a hand on Leon's shoulder. "Well Lieutenant, that's the secret to happiness---finding the person who's proper for you. And Leon is the proper man for me."

"Naturally we hope you'll be at our departure tomorrow morning, Mr. Irvine." Leon added.

Irvine gazed steadily at the colonel. "Sorry, I'm going to be busy tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I really should be getting back to my Lighting Saix. But I hope you'll be very happy."

Karl's throat felt like it had a rock in it as he watched him walk away on long, straight legs, with his head up. With his voice barely under control, he turned to Thomas.

"We have a big day tomorrow, Lieutenant. We'd better go home ourselves. Leon, are you coming with us?"

His expression was pensive and he glanced up at the green canopy of the oak. "No, I believe I'll sit here for awhile. You two go on."

"All right then. Come on, Thomas."

His brother let his green eyes linger on Leon a moment longer. "Good bye, Leon."

"Good bye, Tommy."

----

In the darkness, Karl sat at his desk in his headquarters, staring blankly at the accolades and medals he earned during his early years. He could hear the soft ticking of the wall clock, but there were no telltale footsteps on the floor or steps next door. Irvine wasn't there, and right now he wouldn't care if he walked out into rangeland beyond this fort and disappeared forever.

His handkerchief was a damp wad in his hand. At least he'd manage to stop crying. For thirty minutes he huddled here, trying to force back tears of his anguish behind the drawn window shades.

He intended to go home with Thomas, but didn't think he could bear to talk to him about Irvine. And what would he say anyway? Would he tell him, 'Don't trust Irvine, Tommy. I've been trysting with him myself for the last six weeks, even though I'm engaged with Leon.' A little moan crept up his throat at the thought. Instead, he'd made an excuse to Thomas and come here.

It might strike people as odd, if they knew, that in his mourning he'd chosen the office as his refuge. But it wasn't odd to him. This office had always felt more like home to him than the place where he slept. The house had been their mother's domain and Thomas after she died.

Plain stoic Karl had his headquarters, and military influence anyway.

Plain stoic Karl, who'd felt beautiful for a little while, when that beguiling, defiling fraud Irvine had showered him with flattery.

Again and again he pictured that dreadful scene at the New Helix social hall. He could see him standing under that oak with Thomas, obviously stunned to be found out. That smooth expression didn't fool him. But everything else had. The long, searching looks, the things he'd said to him, the way he'd touch him, the dreams----

Karl pressed a fist to his mouth to keep the humiliation and grinding heartache from turning into tears. He'd known from the beginning that what he was doing wasn't proper OR right, that he was abusing Leon's trust by letting Irvine coax him into lustful thoughts and behavior. And worst of all, this behavior had come to him so easily with Irvine, it had felt so natural.

It had felt like love.

----

And now? He leaned back against his chair and drew a trembling breath that began in his soul. There was nothing left to do but leave with Leon tomorrow morning, just as they'd planned. He couldn't bear to remain in this place forever and run the daily risk of seeing Irvine.

Over the past few weeks, he'd gained enough perspective to realize that he and Leon weren't an ideal match, but they'd probably fare well enough. In time, his respect for such good, kind man would grow into quiet, contented devotion. Perhaps tonight's shame would fade, and so would the love for the sun-tanned, spiky haired ex-mercenary that, despite everything, lingered in his heart. The wound was yet too raw, too new for anger to settle in. Right now, all he felt was pain.

Just then, he heard the front door open. Karl spun around in his chair, terrified that Irvine's bad grace had led him here to try and somehow justify or explain his actions.

Instead, in the unlighted gloom, he recognized the silhouette of his brother.

"Bro?" His voice sounded broken and childlike.

"Thomas!" Relieved, he fumbled in the drawer for a match, and then lit a lamp. "I'm back here."

The lieutenant approached slowly. When he stepped into the narrow circle of lamplight, Karl saw that he looked just as wan and miserable as he had for the past two weeks. The brittle joy he'd shown earlier at the social hall was gone. Even his hair looked limp. Had he learned the truth about himself and Irvine?

"I waited for you to come home---I wanted to talk to you."

Karl stuffed his hankie into his pocket and busily pushed at some papers on the desk. "Oh, I just wanted to check on a couple of things. It's my last chance, you know." He smiled up at his brother. "Well, Thomas, what is it?"

Thomas clenched his hands together so tightly, his fingers were white. "I know you've wondered if something is bothering me. Well, I-I need to tell you about it before tomorrow, before you go away," he said, sounding grief stricken. "Especially since I don't know when I'll see Leon and you again."

After days of trying to pry Thomas's troubles out of him, Karl tiredly wished he'd decided to reveal them sooner. But he had to pretend that nothing was wrong, so he pasted an encouraging expression on his face and motioned him to the chair in front of the desk.

"You know I'll help if I can, sit down."

Thomas sat cautiously, as though he might decide to bolt at any second.

"Remember the social event a couple of weeks ago? The night I left early?"

Karl nodded

"I ran away because something so very strange happened, I just didn't know what else to do." He glanced up at Karl, his eyes full of guilt, and then lowered his face to his tightly grasped hands on the table. Karl heard him take a deep breath. "You know how hot it gets in the hall, and I'd been a bit light-headed ever since we got there. So I decided to go outside for a while. But it was even more than that. I walked to the doorway and looked up at the big full moon---I felt, I don't know, PULLED out into the yard, like I couldn't help myself."

Involuntarily, Karl gripped the arms of his chair. He remembered very well that feeling. Thomas had been wearing his brooch that night. Could he bear to hear how his brother fell under the spell of Irvine once again and a full moon? Struggling to keep his emotions curbed beneath a carefully bland expression, he gathered courage to listen to the rest of Thomas's story.

"Well, I wandered out to that big oak and sat on the hay bale. It was such a beautiful night." He looked across the dark office, deep in the memory of it, and for a moment his troubled face smoothed out. "The stars looked like a million bright crystals up there, and the moon turned everything silver- gold. The grass smelled sweet. I think I head a coyote howling in the hills far away----it was like I could see and hear and smell everything." He glanced at Karl. "I guess that sounds funny, doesn't it."

Karl shook his head. "No, Tommy." He replied softly. "I know what you mean."

"Then," and he began wringing his hands, "then I heard a man's voice behind me, a man's voice---"

Karl's grip on the chair arms tightened. Oh god, why did Thomas feel he had to tell him this? Wasn't it enough that he'd been always been the most attractive, the most popular with others and best loved? There are times Karl thought he no longer needs his supervision. Couldn't he be content with those things?

Thomas's voice began to quiver, and his breath came in hitches. "And he said, 'Karl, I heard you were out here.' I-I didn't mean for it to happen! I knew he was looking for you, but the next thing I knew, I was kissing him, and he was kissing me back. And I fell in love with him. And he said he loved me! It all happened so fast."

Surely hell couldn't be worse than this, Karl thought, biting his lip to keep it from trembling. It couldn't be worse than listening to a story that made him feel like a knife was twisting in his heart. Irvine had never told Thomas that he loved him. Why Thomas was so upset, he couldn't begin to guess. It seemed that once again, his brother had gotten what he wanted.

Hands covered his brother's face that eventually wounded tightly to the scalp. His face was still bowed low, trying to avoid his wide green gaze. "After that, we started sneaking around to be together. I felt terrible about it, and so did Leon, but we couldn't stay away from each other. H-he wanted to tell you, and to cancel everything else. But I told him we couldn't do that you, that it would break your heart. You deserve some happiness in your life---Karl."

Karl released his lip from his teeth when his jaw dropped; his breath left his lungs as though he'd been punched. "WHAT? You mean that you and Leon---- for last two weeks, Leon and you--?" He couldn't get enough air to finish his sentence. Here he believed that it was Irvine who'd swept Thomas off his feet, Irvine who loved him, but Leon?

Thomas brought up his shaky green gaze and wiped it with his sleeve but it was a pointless exercise. The tears eventually came. "I know! I don't deserve to be your brother, I am a horrible person. I tried to stay away from him, but the harder I tried, the more I wanted to be with him. He was different when we were together. He listened to me, and wanted to know what I thought of things. He's very smart, but he is YOUR acquaintance. So tonight I sent him a note, asking him to meet me at the social hall so I could tell him good-bye and see him one last time before your departure. Then Irvine came by, and I saw Leon coming. When you showed up, I was afraid you'd guess the truth, so I tried to set-up Irvine and act like old time's sake."

Stunned, the ashen blonde colonel slumped in his chair and stared at his brother.

"I'm so sorry, Karl," Thomas grieved, gearing up for a fresh round of sobs. "I know I've made a mess of everything. Whatever are we going to do?"

"Do?" he asked blankly, "There's nothing else we can do. It's too late to call off my resignation now. All the guests have been invited; even Moonbay had baked the refreshments." He sat up straight, his decision made.

"We're going to do the proper thing."
-Continued, finally going there ::does a happy dance:: !-