1:34 A.M. Thursday
We all sat around in a numb silence, trying to figure out where we'd gone wrong. The one personality trait all of us shared was that we really, really didn't like being wrong. It ate away at us until we rectified the error. That's what we were going to do, even if it killed us. Maybe it was the time, maybe it was the stress, but we were not thinking straight, not anymore.
"It doesn't mean there won't be an attack," Chris said, spreading his hands on the table to indicate the infinite possibilities. "It just means there hasn't been an attack yet."
"It was still a waste of time," I said, a little harsher than I would have liked.
Jack looked over at me. "It's not your fault. We acted on the evidence."
"Right, right, I'm sorry." I exhaled. "What do we do now? Reorganize our objectives?"
"Yeah, that's what we have to do." Mark was nodding. "I'll get right on it. Somebody want to get me a news update?"
"I'll take care of it," Kevin said.
"Everybody meets back here in ten minutes," Jack announced, dismissing us. I stood and started walking out of the room, but he grabbed me by the arm and turned me around. "Don't be so hard on yourself," he told me. He was speaking to me as my friend, mentor and surrogate father now, not as my boss. "You're not responsible for everything that doesn't go perfect around here. I hate it when you beat up on yourself like this."
I nodded. "I know, Jack … I just want everything to be perfect, and when it doesn't I want to know what I can do to make it right."
He smiled slightly, embracing me. "What you do is you go out there and try it again."
"Yes, sir." As we pulled back, I snapped off a quick salute to one of my dearest friends in the world, then turned and pushed through the conference room door. "I'll give it my best."
Following me, Jack smirked. "That's all I ever ask for."
I laughed a little as I walked back to my station and dropped into my chair. Everyone else had beaten me there and they were working with that same expedient devotion. Mark handed me something he'd come across and everything else just receded into the back of my mind. Still, I did not forget.
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
"I'm not complaining," Jason made a note of saying as he sat in the suburban again, reloading his gun, "But you know, you've gotta wonder how many of these guys we have to kill to make a statement."
"You'd be surprised," Chloe said. "I looked at the stuff they sent over from England. It's crazy over there. We have it easy compared to them."
"And you're telling me nobody knows about it there either?" Jason said. "No suspicions, no panic…"
"Not yet, anyway." She nodded. "It's probably just a matter of time. They got to it late. We're early."
"I've always liked being punctual," Lan said. "Unlike some people." She was looking at Derek, who rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm improving."
"Yeah, and so are we," Jason interrupted. "Where's our next target?"
"We're working on that," Ben told him. "Chances are, they're pulling back their forces for one strike or defense. They know we're here, their strategy's going to change."
Derek nodded, fire behind his eyes. "We haven't come this far to not go all the way." The words came out of him with a conviction he had not felt since he had found his brother's dead body in the bathroom not so long ago. He knew inside of him then that the world spun on a different axis from the one we had always believed. It was all a lie. This was the truth.
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I was back in the conference room on time, with a new list of objectives. Jackson, Mason and Jack were all listening to me and Mark give a threat evaluation and tell them what we thought had to be done. Only Jack could see how hard the time and toil of this day, the stakes that had been placed upon my shoulders, were hitting me. Not even a legal adult yet, and I was being asked to make decisions about other people's lives.
"We'll put a team at Division to oversee operations," Mark was saying. "It's a safeguard, in the event that any of these stagnant operations actually do go live and we need to suddenly reevaluate our standing. They'll be able to reassign the teams in the field and respond to any situation as well."
"Got it," Tony was saying. "I'll take the guys I've got and we'll head over."
"We also have a list of places we'll need defended if our previous battle philosophy pans out," Mark said. "Take that with you. Until then, we're spreading our teams around to probable terrorist suspect locales and central installations that will need to be checked and monitored. Information is on your stations." He looked across at me. "Is that everything?"
"Yeah," I said, with a dutiful nod but a resigned voice. "That's everything."
Mark quoted an ancient prayer
from his eidetic memory as we all gathered our belongings and prepared for the
next operational wave. "And may the grace of God be with you in all the empty
places you must walk."
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own
All
Derek could do was drive. It was torturously simple, just keeping the vehicle
speeding toward its destination. Behind him he could hear Ben, Chloe and Lan
discussing the mission profile, but for some reason he chose to drown them out.
It had become lines of rapid-fire statistics, probabilities, possibilities. The
only thing he believed now was the cold proof right before his eyes, of which
he had very little.
"It's an open area," Chloe was saying. "A relatively small open area, but a wide open area. We're talking about no cover, period."
"That's the reasoning," Ben cut in with experienced solidarity. "They want a showdown with us where nobody can hide."
"We'll get slaughtered!"
"You're missing the point here," he told her slowly. "If we can't hide, neither can they."
Pause.
"She's right, Ben," Lan interrupted. "What kind of losses are we looking at."
And the veteran agent hung his
head for a moment before looking at her evenly. "There are going to be losses."
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
Jack, Tony and their respective teams passed me by as I brought my station online. We were operating blind, and we were extremely conscious about that. But these were men and women more than human, and I had no doubt that they could succeed. In my eyes, Jack Bauer and the people he trusted were almost immortal. I couldn't see a life without Jack there to guide me. It was just an impossibility, and I didn't know if it was also a weakness. I didn't want to find out.
As he walked by, my boss and mentor gripped my shoulder reassuringly. I looked up at him, sure I had the fear of God in my eyes and water pressing behind them. "I believe in you, Brittany," he told me softly. "Don't give up on me now."
"I won't," I promised, voice breaking anyway.
Jack just barely smiled. "I know
you won't," he said quietly, and then he had to go. I watched him leave,
knowing that I had discovered things about myself I didn't like today, but
nothing could amount to the feeling of helplessness yet faith I felt stirring
inside of me as everything moved forward one more time.
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
The suburban stopped outside their projected combat zone, the remaining members of Code Black checked their resolve and self-confidence for the final time, looking at each other and the target plaza. There was no turning back, not for any of us, not anymore, not after what we had all done, and they knew it. They knew it more than I did, because they had done things I could never do. And they were about to make the leap again.
"Everybody armed?" Ben said, breaking the silence. "Technically ready?"
Various mumbled agreement. Nobody felt like making sentences.
Chloe checked her earpiece. "Leticia's heading up to the ops room now. She'll be on-line with us in a minute or two."
"We'll need her," Ben said. "Any questions, any final…" His words died, trailing off.
Derek was the first person to shatter the silence. "That leaves one more thing."
I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
My phone rang, and standing there, watching everyone that remained so much more put together than I ever could, I answered it with a numb briskness. "Agent Frederick, go ahead."
"It's me." Derek's voice was sober, yet driven. "We're heading into another battle."
"Good luck,"
I said. "Take care of yourselves."
"Brittany…" He hesitated. "We've done some planning. This is it. We may not get back alive."
I froze and my heart literally stopped. "Are you sure about this?"
"It's what it comes down to." My loyal friend and first recruit seemed resolved to his fate. "But listen … if we don't make it out of here, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for us."
"Don't thank me."
"I wanted to say it. Just in case."
"You're coming back," I reiterated. "You have to come back."
He paused, silence on the line. "We'll try," he said. Then the line went dead, and I felt the wall around me crashing down in a million pieces.
