Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or Rurouni Kenshin characters. This story was not written for sale or profit. Thank you Midori Natari Himura, April-san and Madiha for reviewing my story. This chapter has been very difficult for me to write and it took a direction that I had not planned, but I like the way it turned out.
A Reason for Love
Chapter 15: Recalling past Love
It had not been hard for Aoshi to acquire a carriage that would take him to the Shingetsu Village. So he was able to leave Kyoto almost immediately.
But riding in the carriage, Aoshi was unprepared for the feelings of loss at leaving Soujiro behind at the inn. He could reason with his mind and understand that the young man would be safe and taken care of by the more than capable Kamatari. And he knew that he didn't have to worry about Kamatari taking advantage of the young man.
But dealing with his heart was something that he was unaccustomed to doing. In all his relationships, he had always been the one to control his partners, always managing to push away any feelings before they reached inside the barrier he had so painstakingly constructed around his heart. Until now.
His strategy had worked for everyone but Soujiro. For the young man had broken through every barrier that Aoshi had placed before him. How he had managed to do that, Aoshi had no concept of, but now that he had Aoshi found that he was incapable of pushing the young man away. Part of him desperately wanted to, so that he could stay in the pool of guilt that he had lived in for so long but another part wanted and needed to embrace the offer of a better life with the young man.
He was so tired of running.
~ ~ ~
Acting like a mother hen, Kamatari fussed until Soujiro had eaten a good portion of his meal. Then when he tried to get up, Kamatari gently forced him to lay back down.
"I'm really not that tired," Soujiro said through a small yawn.
"I know but humor me. You are not strong enough yet to be doing too much running around," Kamatari admonished the young man, "I have to run an errand and I want you to stay here by yourself for a while and rest until I get back."
Waiting until he was sure that Soujiro was restfully sleeping, Kamatari silently slipped from the room. He quickly returned to his room and retrieved a short sword, returning to Soujiro's room he put the weapon under the covers on the left side of the young man, carefully placing it in his hand while softly whispering to him. He knew that Soujiro would know he was there but by softly talking to him he was less likely to fully wake up.
Leaving the inn, Kamatari strolled down the busy streets of Kyoto. Stopping at one of the local shops that sold imported items, he purchased a couple of white shirts that he had been unable to find in the Tokyo store. He had noticed that Soujiro looked very different without the western style shirt.
Continuing along the street, he soon found his contact. As they passed, he knew that the paper with the information had been placed in his kimono sleeve. To throw any suspicion off himself, he stopped at a shop that sold candy. Getting into an argument with the shopkeeper over the price of the imported candy, he finely settled on a price and bought some for Soujiro.
Leaving the shop, he took an indirect route to the police station.
Walking down the long hall towards Saitou's office, Kamatari kept getting a nagging feeling like something was wrong, out of place, like an itch that hadn't been scratched yet. But the thought dispersed when the door to Saitou's office was flung open and Cho walked out. The anger that was displayed on Cho's face soon turned to surprise when he saw Kamatari.
"I wasn't expecting you till later. Did something happen?" Cho asked, concern for his lover evident in his voice. Balancing a stack of bundled papers, he weaved a few times before Kamatari took the top bundle. Walking behind Cho, they went towards the back rooms.
"The seal is lost and Aoshi has returned to the Shingetsu village to find it or bring back Tsuka," Kamatari said, the nagging feeling returning.
"Lets hope that he finds the seal. She is the last person that I want to see again," Cho said, opening a door with his foot. Once inside the room, he unceremoniously deposited the bundles of papers in the far corner. Turning around, he took the bundle of papers from Kamatari, tossing them in the corner as well. "I have to leave this afternoon on an assignment and it'll take me the better part of a week. Saitou says that I have to wrap up some loose leads before I leave. Then we can meet up in Tokyo," Cho said, pulling Kamatari towards him into his arms. "You sure do smell good."
"We can still take a small vacation before we have to leave," Kamatari purred, snuggling into Cho's embrace.
"How did Soujiro take the news about Wagashi?" Cho asked, surprised when Kamatari pulled back with a startled look on his face.
"I forgot to tell him." Kissing him quickly, Kamatari gathered his things and said over his shoulder as he disappeared through the open door, "See you in Tokyo in a week, don't be late."
~ ~ ~
While lying on the futon half-asleep Soujiro relaxed, feeling his strength rapidly returning. It had always surprised him how, by just simply eating sweets, his strength could increase so fast and give him the speed that he needed to execute his special sword style.
Something had pulled at him, alerting him to danger, something was wrong, out of place. Soujiro tightened his hand surprised to find that his fingers wrapped around a smooth solid object. A sword, but how had it come to be in his hand he could only guess. At the moment it served to comfort him and he was glad to have it, so dismissing unnecessary thoughts from his mind, he quickly noted the situation and using his ki scanned the area in the room.
Someone with a strong ki had entered his room, although vaguely familiar he could not place it until he heard his visitor whisper, "You are so beautiful when you sleep."
Wagashi! Soujiro froze, the thought that the man had entered his room while he was sleeping, angered him. Keeping perfectly still, he waited to see just what he had planned to do, hoping that he would have his look and then leave. But life is never that simple and Soujiro knew that he would have to deal with him now or later. And with Aoshi on his way to the Shingetsu village, it would be easier to do it now.
Peering out of half opened eyes, he could see Wagashi kneeling next to his futon. As Wagashi started to reach out to touch him, he conjured up the meanest, nastiest voice that he could, and growled, "Don't touch me."
"I should have known that you would be awake," Wagashi sneered, pulling his hand back as if he had been about to touch fire.
Raising himself onto his elbows, he kept the hand holding the sword hidden under the blankets while keeping his gaze firmly fixed on his unwelcome visitor. The afternoon light was beginning to fade away, leaving a small amount of light where shadows would be hard to find, making it difficult for Soujiro to see the expression on Wagashi's face. But he didn't need to see the face of his adversary to know what he was after.
"You have no hold on me and if I have to, I can and will beat you," Soujiro stated, the words although meant to convey his confidence only managed to sound hollow once he said them.
"Not in the condition that you are in and without your precious Shishio-sama, you are nothing," Wagashi jeered. "Don't look so surprised. I've always known your little secret and that one day, you would be mine. I have patiently waited and now that my father has his coveted heir, he is no longer interested in me. In fact, he would be overjoyed to have me out of his way so that he can devote his entire existence to the grandson that I have produced for him." Wagashi leaned closer to Soujiro and whispered, "I will destroy anyone that gets in my way for I will possess you and then I will destroy you."
"You don't know anything about me. I am not the same person that you once knew," Soujiro smiled, trying to keep control of his anger. It was not his nature to show weakness and the anger that he felt at the moment distracted him from dealing with Wagashi, putting him in a weakened position.
"I'll just have to start with your friend, how good can he be after spending all his time sitting in a temple." Wagashi laughed at the thought of wasting any amount of time doing something so completely useless as sitting in a temple meditating.
Soujiro smiled, "Should I be scared that you might hurt someone? Shouldn't you be wondering how much damage that I can do to you? After all you were the one who ran the last time we fought." Keeping the smile on his face, Soujiro sat up crossing his legs, he turned to face Wagashi, his confidence returning. "I always preferred the katana over the short sword but I always had better luck with the short sword. The katana seems to break easier, don't you think?" Soujiro finished, his eyes steady as he stared at the man seated across from him, his smile never wavering.
Wagashi let out a small nervous laugh, "Do you really think that you can scare me?"
Soujiro grinned, "I'm sorry, that wasn't meant to scare you. It was a simple observation of mine." Pulling the short sword from under the covers, he laid it across his lap. "But we can test my theory, if you like?" Looking down at the sword, he softly laughed.
The shoji opened and both men looked up to see Kamatari walking into the room. "Did I miss anything?" he asked, looking at the two men seated on the floor.
"No we were just…" Wagashi stated, standing up, "…reminiscing." He turned to look at Soujiro then bowing to him, he walked out the door.
~ ~ ~
The sun was setting on the hills that surrounded the Shingetsu village when the carriage arrived. Pulling to a stop at the mansion, Aoshi opened the door and was greeted by Ryochi who had anticipated his arrival.
Stepping out of the carriage, Aoshi felt like something was wrong, something missing. During the entire trip, he had been so engrossed in thinking about Soujiro that he had not missed his presence until he arrived at the village, alone. He had become so accustom to the young man always at his side, always talking, asking a million questions, with a smile that was both warm and comforting, that the young man's absence was leaving a void in his existence.
"I knew that you would come back," Aoshi's friend stated.
"You have it then?" Aoshi quietly asked.
"Yes, one of the servants brought it to me after cleaning out the carriage. I must say that I was very surprised when they found it but I knew that you would be back to retrieve it," he paused then asked, " How is Soujiro?" Opening the gate to the mansion, he waited as Aoshi looked at him in surprise.
"He is all right," Aoshi automatically answered Ryochi's inquiry then enter through the gate. While waiting for his friend to latch the gate, the image of Soujiro smiling at him just before he left came to the forefront of his mind.
"Is he alone?" Ryochi asked somewhat hesitant, his need to know outweighed the normal boundaries of politeness.
"Kamatari is with him," Aoshi responded. His suspicions becoming aroused at the questions that were asked of him, but in the position that he was in, he felt the best he could do was to get the seal and return to Kyoto as quickly as possible.
"Good," Ryochi quietly sighed. "Come, let's have tea and something to eat. Then you can rest before making the trip back to Kyoto."
Aoshi followed Ryochi into the house but he couldn't shake the feeling that his friend knew more that what he was willing to say. And he had to decide if the information was important enough to pursue it further.
Ryochi nervously droned on about the everyday mundane things that were happening while work was being completed at the mansion. When he started retelling Aoshi things that he had told him when he was there two days previous, Aoshi decision was made. He would find out just what his friend was not telling him.
As they sat drinking their tea, Ryochi kept his monologue going but running out of things to talk about he started reminiscing about their shared past. Aoshi sat listening to his friend recount the early events of their friendship, until Ryochi stopped talking. A servant entered removing the dishes from the table.
Waiting until they were alone, Ryochi smiled and leaning forward, he winked, placing one of his hands on top of Aoshi's and quietly asked, "Do you remember when I thought I loved you?" Hoping to get his friend to show some emotion even if it was only for a moment, he watched as a slight tinge of pink splayed across Aoshi cheeks then vanished.
Aoshi looked down at his friend's hand covering his, the memory of that night would forever remain with him. Ryochi had come to him one night professing his love, a love that Aoshi could not return. He had tried to let the older man know how he felt but in doing so it had put a wall between them. It had taken a woman to set Ryochi straight. Aoshi remembered how she had teased Ryochi until he was so caught up with her and then she married someone else leaving him devastated.
"Do you remember what you told me when I found out that the woman I loved was married to someone else?" he asked, knowing that Aoshi remembered. When he received no reply, he continued, "You told me that for every bad thing that happens in your life, something good happens to balance it with," he paused, " Now when did you stop believing in that?"
"After what I did, I don't deserve anything good to happen in my life," Aoshi softly said.
"I don't think that you have to deserve something to have it happen to you," Ryochi replied, sitting back up, "And what about Soujiro, does he deserve to be cast away by you? I have seen how he looks at you, I know how he feels."
"He will eventually find someone else, just as you did," Aoshi said. His heart felt like a heavy weight had been placed upon it as he listened to himself say the words.
"Is your heart so hardened that you can't see what is happening to you?" Ryochi angrily asked him.
"It is for the best," Aoshi quickly replied.
"For Soujiro or for you? Can you walk away from him and not look back?" Ryochi's deep voice echoed through out the room.
"When the time comes," Aoshi softly said, "Yes."
At this point Ryochi felt totally helpless in helping his friend, so taking a different approach he started to explain, "Did you know that Wagashi feels that Soujiro belongs to him and he has gone so far as to made a claim that he will stop at nothing to get him. When Soujiro was wandering around the country, we were able to hide him from Wagashi but now that Shishio is gone and he knows Soujiro is still alive there is no one to stop him from trying to possess the boy." Ryochi sat waiting for a reaction from Aoshi, but when his friend just sat there watching him, he continued, "We were told that Wagashi was on his way to Kyoto. Something to do with some government official that he was trying to convert. The man is dangerous and we are not sure what he is planning."
Fighting his first compulsion to board the carriage and return immediately, Aoshi clenched his hands and said, "He is very capable of taking care of himself." Closing his eyes, he knew in his heart that he wanted nothing more that to keep the young man safe from all harm, but did he have the right to take that step?
Excusing himself, Aoshi was walking to his room when he encountered Tsuka coming in the opposite direction. Both parties froze when their eyes met.
"I am sorry, will you please forgive me?" Tsuka hastily said, bowing low before him.
"There is nothing to forgive," Aoshi said.
"Yes there is, my behavior towards a guest in my husband's house," she replied. Straightening back up, she waited for his response.
Nodding to her, he continued on towards his room, wanting only to escape into the dark recesses of his mind where he could go and be free from the reality that constantly reminded him of the mistakes he had made. For the past year, meditation had been his means to escape, to run away from everything and everyone but that had been before he had encountered Soujiro on the trip to Tokyo.
Once inside the room, he set his things aside choosing to sit in the middle of the room. Clearing his mind of the normal disturbances, he controlled his breathing to flow in the pattern that allowed the optimum results for meditating. Once that was accomplished, he drifted into the depths of his mind but when he arrived, Soujiro's smiling face was there to greet him and try as he might the young man would not leave, forcing Aoshi to confront his feelings about the young man.
Did he love Soujiro? In his mind he could admit his love for the young man, he could even admit his need for him. But being inside his mind he had total control of what happened. In the real world, he was scared for he didn't know if he could have the same control to keep himself from hurting the young man. Had he found his answers? Was Soujiro part of his redemption? Or did he just lust after the young man?
He wondered how Soujiro was doing now that it was night, was he sleeping alone, if Kamatari was with him was he sleeping with him? The young man's sexual desires had been insatiable, would he seek someone else to fulfill his needs? He could feel the green monster slowly creeping into his thoughts making his entire body constrict with the thought that Soujiro might want someone other than him. The emotional turmoil he felt made him want to scream, lash out at something or someone, but all he would allow himself to do was to make it through the night.
When meditating failed to give him the relief that he sought, Aoshi decided that he would try to work off some of his energy so that he could sleep. So taking his kodachi, he left the building, heading for the open area where he had practiced before, hoping that by doing his kata, he could clear his mind and keep from thinking about anything.
Tsuka watched as Aoshi left the building. On a whim, she followed him to the clearing and watched as he started his practice. Keeping to the shadows, she was amazed at the speed and effort that he was using to do his moves. The faint glow of the moon lit the clearing, giving her a good view of Aoshi as he practiced with his kodachi. She was just about to leave, when he suddenly stabbed the ground with his kodachi. Startled, she watched as he sunk to his knees, his head falling forward to be caught by his hands. She slowly approached him.
"If you can't get him out of your system then maybe you should be with him," she said, stopping a short distance away from him.
"What do you know about how I feel?" Aoshi asked, sitting back up.
"When I first met Ryochi, I hated him for being so nice to me," she started, kneeling behind him she continued, " In fact I was very nasty both verbally and physically. But he never strayed from his devotion to me; he stayed and took all the abuse that I dealt to him," she paused her voice shaky as she continued, "I even tried to kill him, just to get him to leave me alone. His love for me is the purest of feelings, just like Soujiro's is for you. Please believe me, he will follow where ever you go and you will have to hurt him more to make him stop pursuing you." Her emotions were raging with the remembered memories of the way she had been, but if she was to help him then she needed to calm herself and put her own feelings aside.
"If I stay I will hurt him," he softly responded.
"If you think like that then he will be hurt no matter what you do," she calmly said, " Think about it Aoshi, search deep inside yourself and see if I am not right. You must believe that you can make him happy. Otherwise you are both doomed to live the rest of you life in pain and sorrow. For if you decide to leave him, you will not be the only one who will be walking a path of suffering and torment. And if you stay with him and keep thinking that you will only hurt him then disaster will befall you sooner or later and you will hurt him. You have to accept the fact that life can be painful and let him help you to live your life to the fullest." Standing up, she started walking back to the house, leaving Aoshi to think about what she had said.
~ ~ ~
Handing the package to Soujiro, Kamatari watched as the boy's face lit up when he recognized the western style shirts he had bought for him.
"Thank you," Soujiro said.
"Well don't just sit there, try one on and get dressed. Do you think that I am going to wait on you all day," Kamatari said.
While Soujiro was getting dressed, Kamatari busied himself with straightening the room. Picking up the short sword, he placed it between the folds of the futon.
"Now you look more like your old self," Kamatari said, admiring the boy after he came out from behind the dressing screen. "Lets go somewhere and get something to eat."
"But what about Aoshi? If he gets back before…"
"We will get back in plenty of time. After all it will take him most of the day just to get there," Kamatari said, smiling, "And you need to get out and get some fresh air. Now lets go, I know a great little western style restaurant not to far from here. Their food is simply to die for," he said. Taking Soujiro's arm, he guided him out of the room.
The food was good and Soujiro couldn't help but be amused at having a conversation with Kamatari. It was almost as it had been before the mountain burned down. As they talked the time flew by so that when they were ready to leave the restaurant it was well into evening.
"Why don't we take the long way back to the inn and walk down the path by the river. With the fireflies out, it is very beautiful this time of the year," Kamatari suggested, starting forward. His voice sounded very melancholy as if he was thinking about someone or something else.
"But shouldn't we get back to the inn?" Soujiro asked anxious to return to the inn.
"You don't have to worry about Aoshi, he is spending the night at the Shingetsu village," Kamatari informed him, smiling at Soujiro as they walked down the path. While they had been eating their dinner, one of Kamatari's informants had casually passed by their table, slipping him the information from Ryochi.
"How…"
"I let go of the past and started working on the future as did a lot of the people who supported Shishio-sama. Now how about that walk?" Kamatari asked.
"Ok," Soujiro smiled.
Standing on the riverbank, Soujiro watched as the fireflies floated all around them, their light leaving trails glowing in the wake of their path.
"Kamatari?" Soujiro asked, turning he looked at his friend.
Kamatari crouched down and sat on the heals of his feet, "Yes," he said turning his head to face Soujiro.
"Why have you taken care of me this past year?"
"Because I love you," Kamatari easily stated.
"But…" Soujiro whispered, the shocked look on his face revealed the fact that he didn't understand.
Kamatari giggled at Soujiro's confusion and said, "I love you as I would a brother. You see, love has many facets and each one is as bright as special as the next."
"Thank you," Soujiro whispered.
After leisurely walking back to the room at the inn, Kamatari made Soujiro get ready for the night. When he was satisfied that Soujiro was comfortable, Kamatari retrieved his things from the room he had occupied and settled down to sleep in the futon that Aoshi had used.
Soujiro fell asleep almost immediately upon laying down. Listening to the boy's even breathing he lay on the other futon thinking back to when Shishio-sama had tried to become the savior of Japan. At that time, Soujiro had looked so cute and adorable. But in the past year as the boy tried to find his answers, he had started looking much older and always had a dark look to his features, now in the short time that he had been with Aoshi, he had brightened and there was a glow about him that had never been there before. Somehow he had to help the boy attain the former Okashira.
On the verge of sleep, Kamatari felt his blanket move. His first thought was that someone had entered the room without his knowledge, but he couldn't believe that he wouldn't have noticed. Then a warm body was curled against him, resting their head on his chest.
Half asleep, Soujiro shivered, pulling his blanket closer around him. The cold was seeping into his muscles, making him cold. Grabbing his blanket, he quietly made his way over to Aoshi's futon. Lifting up the blanket just enough to snuggle under, he lay next to the body that occupied the futon, resting his head on Aoshi's chest. But something was wrong, he smelled flowers instead of the musk scent that told him that it was Aoshi. Then his mind cleared and he froze; Aoshi was at the Shingetsu village, so that must mean that Kamatari was the one in the futon.
"I'm sorry," Soujiro softly apologized. Attempting to move away but Kamatari's arm kept him from moving.
"It's all right," Kamatari said, reaching out he touched Soujiro's cheek. "You're so cold." Adjusting the blanket around them, he placed his arm on top of the blanket. "Now go to sleep."
To be continued…
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