DISCLAIMER : I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS ..BUT LIKE AUTHOR OF -REUNIFICATION- I WOULDN'T MIND OWNING ERIC STOLTZ... OR ALAN TOFSKY ;D (...BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT FAN FIC)
REVIEWS: PLEASE REVIEW ..FEEDBACK!!!! MUST HAVE FEEDBACK!!!! GRRRRRRR .....HEY! IF YOU LOVE IT LET ME KNOW SO I AM MOTIVATED TO CONTINUE (YOU'RE RIGHT EMMET...FLATTERY GETS YOU MORE PLACES THAN A VISA CARD I SWEAR). AND WHAT IF YOU HATE IT? WELL LET ME KNOW TOO ....SO I CAN TAKE IT TO MY HOT RED HEADED CREATIVE WRITING TEACHER'S HOUSE FOR HELP- UHHHH ELM ST RIGHT? :)
CHAPTER SUMMARY: THE STUDENT EXPERIENCED THE TEACHER. THE TEACHER EXPERIENCED THE STUDENT. LESSONS WERE LEARNED AND A JACKET WAS INDEED ZIPPED QUITE NICELY....I CONTINUE ON BECAUSE THE ENDING LEFT TWO HEARTS IN MID OCEAN AND I'M ON A RESCUE MISSION. IF THIS CHAPTER IS DIFFICULT TO READ, APOLOGIES BY THE AUTHOR...BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE FEEL FREE TO ANALYZE :)
EMAIL; jeanl2@sympatico.ca
YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES
He walked down the hall. He couldn't look back. Don't look back . Or he could never have done it, just walked away. As if none of it had mattered. Because it would not be Mr.Dimitri looking back, it would be August. It doesn't matter anymore Linda Ronstadt told him in the car on the way home. But everything mattered and she mattered more than anything in his life. Everything was moving in slow motion. Everything had fallen out of place. Damn it why had he brought this cd! He had meant to give it to her several days ago..before. Well, before. It hurt to walk up the driveway to the house. Every step talking him one more away from where she is. That place he had left her. He turned back clicking the remote key and opening the car door. Standing in an open door too scared to reach through it and seize ...seize what? His heart. It was beating way too fast. Couldn't everyone hear that. Strangers passing by on the other side of the street. Holding the car door and bracing himself a moment Dimitri bent and removed the cd with reverance. It was all he had left, fragments pieces of moments. He knew it would tear every piece of him apart to put that cd on but he knew he had to do this. It had to end and if only the pain could all come at once then be over. He carried the disc into the house.
He sat in a chair and could not move. In the dark with no lights. Tears didn't come. Not then. He couldn't move no matter what the discomfort of his position. Unseeing eyes blind to everything. He just sat every ounce of strength drained away as the tracks played on...
"close your eyes
you can close your eyes it's all right
I don't know no love song
I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
You can sing this song when I'm gone"
Why did he love her. Why her? Was it truly her he loved or an idealized vision he had placed on her. A too thin coat he had zipped around her to fit. He closed his eyes putting his fingers to his temples. It was the flaws he loved best. You know. She always said "you know". He smiled and for the first time tears came. Tears that seemed would never end, he never wanted them to. Could a person die this way?
"I know Grace. I know" , he whispered.
~*******************************************~
It was several days later that Grace approached the den of sin (as Jessie and Katie called it). The garage. That attachement to the side of the house were an often detached step-brother lived. She cautiously opened the door and averted her eyes.
"Eli. Are you here?"
"Grace, hey --"
"I just wanted to catch up. Cause it's been, you know, a while."
She looked at him and smiled. Her arm made slight wave like movement. Grace walked over to his cd collection and begin fingering it.
"Can I borrowed this", she asked lifting up a case.
"Depends. Let me see"
"Come'on Eli"
"Dylan? That's not really your taste is it Grace?"
"Maybe my tastes have changed".
He laughed ,"You're telling me they have. Don't worry though [he put up his arms defensively], it's not a loaded question. I recommend Jokerman."
"What--?"
He pointed to the cd. "Jokerman"
"Oh, thanks--- Well I really should go I guess"
"Grace wait. I mean if there's anything you wanted to talk about. It doesn't have to be a secret--"
She looked at him intently. Those words he had said just then.
"It's not a secret. There is no secret. Everybody just feels they have such a right to make assumptions about my life."
"I didn't mean it like that".
"Then how did you mean it? Tell me that Eli. [tears she had no intention of allowing to flow came headless to her intent]. And he's not too old."
The converstion was escalating and it seemed like Grace was on the escalator while Eli took the stairs. She paused and waited at the top. She was always waiting for someone to catch up.
"Do you still see him?"
"Eli I can't--"
"It's ok. [He was looking at her closely] You don't. But if you cared about this person. Why did it end? [He was asking for himself as much as for her but he never realized that, a question always lingers and we look to others in similiar situations to solve it.]
"It didn't end Eli." Grace paused, "Maybe it's just on hiatus".
~*******************************************~
Several days later.. In a bedroom:
A decoratorive pillow launched across the room. Rick stepped aside to avoid it's path. Another soon followed, then yet another. He sat on the cleared bed and began to set the alarm clock. Hushed voices...
"I don't know anymore what to do. She has barely been here since it happened. Her body is here but no one's there. She doesn't talk to me, not since that time with the book. [with contempt] His book. Does she talk to the kids? Jessie , Eli--"
"Lil, I don't know. I mean maybe she just needs time."
"And then the times she is here. And I can look in her eyes. It just makes it worse. She laughs but it's not the same person. It not my girl. It's his girl. His damn girl!
"She's a strong person. She's good person. I would trust her with -- with my life."
"How can I trust her. I can't trust him. Is he still in town? Do you know that. But do you honestly, honestly Rick think she loves him? She's seventeen. Seventeen.
"Lily, Grace has never been seventeen."
"She's never been fourteen either. She's never been any age at all...maybe once. It scares me, I mean ---What if someday--"
"Lil. I think maybe she does. [quietly] Love him. And you can't base your fears on someday. You have today. Find her today. Not who she was yesterday or could be tomorrow. Who she is now."
"What I'm saying is how can I possibly condone this. How can I justify this. You can't --can you?"
"Lily, if I had the answers"
"Well I won't. It's wrong. I mean it has to be--. He could continue to hurt her more than he has. I just-- I'm going to bed."
Lily turned out light on her side. And turned on her side, closing her eyes.
"She has been fourteen."
"What?--"
"She has been fourteen", Rick laughed. "I remember this time we went shopping. Maybe she's been seventeen too and we just missed it."
Lily stared off into the darkness.
~*********************************************~
Early morning sunlight shone through the wooden blinds. He had been sitting at the table a while but had not noticed the sun rise. He had realized in the darkness what would be the ending. There was no choice. He had told her once he was a fraud. But Grace was worth more than a fraud.
He thought about the last words they had exchanged. She would find her ending. It echoed and repeated in the times when he let himself think about it. It was a shadow that followed him. Could he have said it differently? But what was there to do. Grab her in his arms and not let go. Hold on.
"If love something you must set it free and if it truly was yours it would return. And if it doesn't then it wasn't yours at all."
Wasn't that something he had heard before. In his life before Grace. He raised his hands to his hair and pulled it back in a single ponytail with a small black elastic. He smiled. Was the whole world just a cliche and an endless series of quotes, references with nothing original to be had. August reached for his reading glasses.
"Well may the circle be unbroken..geez", he involuntarily chuckled. Then paused.
"I know you'll find your ending Grace, I found mine."
He suddenly felt he had to do something. And talking to himself was not it. Stumbling about the room he searched for this brief case. It was the first enthusiam he had felt in a days. Four days exactly. The opened his bag and found his notebook. Opening it up and taking up a pen he started to write. He stopped and got up. He walked over the stereo and picked up a cd. The Best of Bob Dylan. He hit number 5. Like a Rolling Stone,
"Once upon a time you dressed so fine....
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hanging out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud....
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone"
~*******************************************~
A knock at the door. A sharp intrusive knock. If a heart could stop beating and a man still maintain cognizance to walk across the room, that's what certainly happened then. Had the ending come so soon. The ending to his pain.
"Ahhhh, Alexa."
"Mr.Dimitri. I know I'm probably not the student you expected to see ( with a slight smile ...an attempt to overcome some emotion. Shame maybe.) But can I come in--"
"Alexa I don't know--"
[he stopped himself. What harm could be done now.}
She walked in slowly. Alexa takes in the room. It's not at all how she imagined it to be. Nothing at all ever is, it's more somehow.
"Mr.Dimitri. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Wait--I know you may not believe it. No one ever does believe the truth when I say it. Lies are easier that way. But I am sorry."
Dimitri says nothing staring at a ceramic dish on the counter.
"It's been a strange week without you there. I mean the whole class-- misses you. Katie she said that you were just suspended and that it was possible you could come back. Next fall. And I mean if you did it wouldn't be such a bad thing. You're a good teacher and it's not hard to forget. I mean memories are short..."
"Forget. Don't lie Alexa. Stick with the truth even to the bitter end. It's words to live by--"
"Mr.Dimitr---"
"The whole class? Really the whole class?"
"Yes the whole class. And Grace [she shot a look at him]..."
He stared a moment. A moment too long and too strangely.
"Has Grace been going to class? I mean is she--"
"Is she ok?" , Alexa finished.
Alexa looked up at him just then. She had been thinking. Thinking about something she had overheard Grace say. But Dimitri wasn't looking at her. He was looking at something she couldn't see and his eyes were full of emotion.
"All I'm saying is consider it. Cause maybe I was wrong--"
"Maybe you weren't all that wrong."
"But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. If I tell the schoolboard--"
"Alexa. Some endings are the ending.
"I though you said once that there was no story that couldn't stand a different ending. If it was a real story that is."
"Did I say that? Hmmmmf."
REVIEWS: PLEASE REVIEW ..FEEDBACK!!!! MUST HAVE FEEDBACK!!!! GRRRRRRR .....HEY! IF YOU LOVE IT LET ME KNOW SO I AM MOTIVATED TO CONTINUE (YOU'RE RIGHT EMMET...FLATTERY GETS YOU MORE PLACES THAN A VISA CARD I SWEAR). AND WHAT IF YOU HATE IT? WELL LET ME KNOW TOO ....SO I CAN TAKE IT TO MY HOT RED HEADED CREATIVE WRITING TEACHER'S HOUSE FOR HELP- UHHHH ELM ST RIGHT? :)
CHAPTER SUMMARY: THE STUDENT EXPERIENCED THE TEACHER. THE TEACHER EXPERIENCED THE STUDENT. LESSONS WERE LEARNED AND A JACKET WAS INDEED ZIPPED QUITE NICELY....I CONTINUE ON BECAUSE THE ENDING LEFT TWO HEARTS IN MID OCEAN AND I'M ON A RESCUE MISSION. IF THIS CHAPTER IS DIFFICULT TO READ, APOLOGIES BY THE AUTHOR...BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE FEEL FREE TO ANALYZE :)
EMAIL; jeanl2@sympatico.ca
YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES
He walked down the hall. He couldn't look back. Don't look back . Or he could never have done it, just walked away. As if none of it had mattered. Because it would not be Mr.Dimitri looking back, it would be August. It doesn't matter anymore Linda Ronstadt told him in the car on the way home. But everything mattered and she mattered more than anything in his life. Everything was moving in slow motion. Everything had fallen out of place. Damn it why had he brought this cd! He had meant to give it to her several days ago..before. Well, before. It hurt to walk up the driveway to the house. Every step talking him one more away from where she is. That place he had left her. He turned back clicking the remote key and opening the car door. Standing in an open door too scared to reach through it and seize ...seize what? His heart. It was beating way too fast. Couldn't everyone hear that. Strangers passing by on the other side of the street. Holding the car door and bracing himself a moment Dimitri bent and removed the cd with reverance. It was all he had left, fragments pieces of moments. He knew it would tear every piece of him apart to put that cd on but he knew he had to do this. It had to end and if only the pain could all come at once then be over. He carried the disc into the house.
He sat in a chair and could not move. In the dark with no lights. Tears didn't come. Not then. He couldn't move no matter what the discomfort of his position. Unseeing eyes blind to everything. He just sat every ounce of strength drained away as the tracks played on...
"close your eyes
you can close your eyes it's all right
I don't know no love song
I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
You can sing this song when I'm gone"
Why did he love her. Why her? Was it truly her he loved or an idealized vision he had placed on her. A too thin coat he had zipped around her to fit. He closed his eyes putting his fingers to his temples. It was the flaws he loved best. You know. She always said "you know". He smiled and for the first time tears came. Tears that seemed would never end, he never wanted them to. Could a person die this way?
"I know Grace. I know" , he whispered.
~*******************************************~
It was several days later that Grace approached the den of sin (as Jessie and Katie called it). The garage. That attachement to the side of the house were an often detached step-brother lived. She cautiously opened the door and averted her eyes.
"Eli. Are you here?"
"Grace, hey --"
"I just wanted to catch up. Cause it's been, you know, a while."
She looked at him and smiled. Her arm made slight wave like movement. Grace walked over to his cd collection and begin fingering it.
"Can I borrowed this", she asked lifting up a case.
"Depends. Let me see"
"Come'on Eli"
"Dylan? That's not really your taste is it Grace?"
"Maybe my tastes have changed".
He laughed ,"You're telling me they have. Don't worry though [he put up his arms defensively], it's not a loaded question. I recommend Jokerman."
"What--?"
He pointed to the cd. "Jokerman"
"Oh, thanks--- Well I really should go I guess"
"Grace wait. I mean if there's anything you wanted to talk about. It doesn't have to be a secret--"
She looked at him intently. Those words he had said just then.
"It's not a secret. There is no secret. Everybody just feels they have such a right to make assumptions about my life."
"I didn't mean it like that".
"Then how did you mean it? Tell me that Eli. [tears she had no intention of allowing to flow came headless to her intent]. And he's not too old."
The converstion was escalating and it seemed like Grace was on the escalator while Eli took the stairs. She paused and waited at the top. She was always waiting for someone to catch up.
"Do you still see him?"
"Eli I can't--"
"It's ok. [He was looking at her closely] You don't. But if you cared about this person. Why did it end? [He was asking for himself as much as for her but he never realized that, a question always lingers and we look to others in similiar situations to solve it.]
"It didn't end Eli." Grace paused, "Maybe it's just on hiatus".
~*******************************************~
Several days later.. In a bedroom:
A decoratorive pillow launched across the room. Rick stepped aside to avoid it's path. Another soon followed, then yet another. He sat on the cleared bed and began to set the alarm clock. Hushed voices...
"I don't know anymore what to do. She has barely been here since it happened. Her body is here but no one's there. She doesn't talk to me, not since that time with the book. [with contempt] His book. Does she talk to the kids? Jessie , Eli--"
"Lil, I don't know. I mean maybe she just needs time."
"And then the times she is here. And I can look in her eyes. It just makes it worse. She laughs but it's not the same person. It not my girl. It's his girl. His damn girl!
"She's a strong person. She's good person. I would trust her with -- with my life."
"How can I trust her. I can't trust him. Is he still in town? Do you know that. But do you honestly, honestly Rick think she loves him? She's seventeen. Seventeen.
"Lily, Grace has never been seventeen."
"She's never been fourteen either. She's never been any age at all...maybe once. It scares me, I mean ---What if someday--"
"Lil. I think maybe she does. [quietly] Love him. And you can't base your fears on someday. You have today. Find her today. Not who she was yesterday or could be tomorrow. Who she is now."
"What I'm saying is how can I possibly condone this. How can I justify this. You can't --can you?"
"Lily, if I had the answers"
"Well I won't. It's wrong. I mean it has to be--. He could continue to hurt her more than he has. I just-- I'm going to bed."
Lily turned out light on her side. And turned on her side, closing her eyes.
"She has been fourteen."
"What?--"
"She has been fourteen", Rick laughed. "I remember this time we went shopping. Maybe she's been seventeen too and we just missed it."
Lily stared off into the darkness.
~*********************************************~
Early morning sunlight shone through the wooden blinds. He had been sitting at the table a while but had not noticed the sun rise. He had realized in the darkness what would be the ending. There was no choice. He had told her once he was a fraud. But Grace was worth more than a fraud.
He thought about the last words they had exchanged. She would find her ending. It echoed and repeated in the times when he let himself think about it. It was a shadow that followed him. Could he have said it differently? But what was there to do. Grab her in his arms and not let go. Hold on.
"If love something you must set it free and if it truly was yours it would return. And if it doesn't then it wasn't yours at all."
Wasn't that something he had heard before. In his life before Grace. He raised his hands to his hair and pulled it back in a single ponytail with a small black elastic. He smiled. Was the whole world just a cliche and an endless series of quotes, references with nothing original to be had. August reached for his reading glasses.
"Well may the circle be unbroken..geez", he involuntarily chuckled. Then paused.
"I know you'll find your ending Grace, I found mine."
He suddenly felt he had to do something. And talking to himself was not it. Stumbling about the room he searched for this brief case. It was the first enthusiam he had felt in a days. Four days exactly. The opened his bag and found his notebook. Opening it up and taking up a pen he started to write. He stopped and got up. He walked over the stereo and picked up a cd. The Best of Bob Dylan. He hit number 5. Like a Rolling Stone,
"Once upon a time you dressed so fine....
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hanging out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud....
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone"
~*******************************************~
A knock at the door. A sharp intrusive knock. If a heart could stop beating and a man still maintain cognizance to walk across the room, that's what certainly happened then. Had the ending come so soon. The ending to his pain.
"Ahhhh, Alexa."
"Mr.Dimitri. I know I'm probably not the student you expected to see ( with a slight smile ...an attempt to overcome some emotion. Shame maybe.) But can I come in--"
"Alexa I don't know--"
[he stopped himself. What harm could be done now.}
She walked in slowly. Alexa takes in the room. It's not at all how she imagined it to be. Nothing at all ever is, it's more somehow.
"Mr.Dimitri. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Wait--I know you may not believe it. No one ever does believe the truth when I say it. Lies are easier that way. But I am sorry."
Dimitri says nothing staring at a ceramic dish on the counter.
"It's been a strange week without you there. I mean the whole class-- misses you. Katie she said that you were just suspended and that it was possible you could come back. Next fall. And I mean if you did it wouldn't be such a bad thing. You're a good teacher and it's not hard to forget. I mean memories are short..."
"Forget. Don't lie Alexa. Stick with the truth even to the bitter end. It's words to live by--"
"Mr.Dimitr---"
"The whole class? Really the whole class?"
"Yes the whole class. And Grace [she shot a look at him]..."
He stared a moment. A moment too long and too strangely.
"Has Grace been going to class? I mean is she--"
"Is she ok?" , Alexa finished.
Alexa looked up at him just then. She had been thinking. Thinking about something she had overheard Grace say. But Dimitri wasn't looking at her. He was looking at something she couldn't see and his eyes were full of emotion.
"All I'm saying is consider it. Cause maybe I was wrong--"
"Maybe you weren't all that wrong."
"But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. If I tell the schoolboard--"
"Alexa. Some endings are the ending.
"I though you said once that there was no story that couldn't stand a different ending. If it was a real story that is."
"Did I say that? Hmmmmf."