Connor sat at his window once again, fighting defiantly to maintain
his belief that he was right. Regan was wrong. He didn't jump to
conclusions, and if he thought someone was against him, it was because that
person was against him. Connor knew there were only two ways to prevent
oneself from getting hurt. One was to be completely immune to everything,
and having nothing affect one's emotions. The other was to hurt people
before one got hurt oneself. Connor liked to believe he was immune.
But he had to admit to himself that that was one thing he definitely was not. He had been hurt when Holtz died, he had been hurt when Cordelia made it quite clear that she wanted to be with his father, and . . .he had been hurt when Regan betrayed him. He refused to let it happen again.
~~~
"Regan, can I talk to you?" Cordelia asked when she finally had a moment.
"Look, I've already told you I'm on your side, and if you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do to convince you otherwise, short of-" Regan cut herself off, then said again, "There's nothing I can do."
Cordelia ignored Regan's stumble and told her instead what was really there to talk about. "I'm not here to accuse you. In fact, I believe you."
"You do?" Regan asked, surprise clear in her green eyes.
"Yes. So there's no reason for you to try to convince me. I already believe you."
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" They were outside, so Regan sat down on one of the benches that were out there.
"Well, in all honesty, I want to talk to you about Connor," Cordelia said, sitting in the bench opposite Regan's so that she'd be able to face her.
"Oh boy," responded Regan. She put a hand to her head and rubbed it for a moment. "Well, what do you want to know? If you're going to be fighting with me you might as well know what you want. It's not like it's a big secret anyway."
"Why don't you start by telling me what things were like between you two before. . .everything happened."
"It was just like any other relationship, I guess. Except that on a date, we'd be hiding, discussing the plans of the enemy and what we were going to do about them. And instead of everyone knowing we were together, it was only the very few good guys who could be trusted not to sell out to Tobey or any of his workers were the ones who knew. And instead of hiding things from each other, we were totally honest. Okay, so I guess it wasn't just like any other relationship. But we were happy." Regan developed a far off gaze as she recalled the time that seemed so long ago now.
"So what happened?" Cordelia asked gently. "Did Tobey find out?"
"If Tobey found out, I'd be dead."
"So what was it?"
Regan made a noise of indignation. "A loophole in the laws of a species."
~~~
Angel decided that Regan could be a threat to them. If she told them that she worked for the demon that was coming, expecting her complete honesty to gain their trust, then she could use that against them when the time came for the monster to arrive. Angel knew there was only one way to know for sure if Regan told the truth: Connor.
Trying to act like a father instead of just another intruder, Angel knocked on Connor's door instead of just walking in. When there was no answer, Angel knocked again. He knew Connor was in there. Angel could hear him walking back and forth in front of his window. Angel knocked one more time, but when Connor still didn't open the door, Angel tried the knob and found it to be unlocked.
Angel walked into the room to see Connor reseated at the window. Not wanting to waste any more time, Angel got straight to the point of his visit.
"Connor, I have to talk to you about Regan," Angel told him.
"Too bad. I have nothing to say about her."
"Connor, she told us something and only you can verify if she's telling the truth. We cant afford to trust her if she's here to kill us all. . . What do you know about Tobey?"
At the mention of the demon's name, Connor looked up. "What about Tobey?" he asked.
"Well, if what Regan says turns out to be true, then he's on his way here and prepared to take over. And since she works for him. . . I just need to know what you know."
"Don't worry," Connor replied, turning to look out the window. "Regan hates Tobey. If she tells you she wants to kill him, believe me, she will."
Angel nodded even though Connor's back was turned to him. So Regan was telling the truth. At least he got that much out of Connor, even though he would have preferred much more.
"Thanks," said Angel before walking out the door. There were still so many things he would have loved to ask Conner; that is if he knew Connor would answer him. Angel was surprised that Connor even said what he did. But at least now he knew Regan could be trusted. He just wished he knew why Tobey was coming here. If all he wanted was the Greerimeens, he could just take them. The need for the demon to come here seemed suspicious to Angel, so he decided that he would talk to Regan about all of this as soon as possible.
~~~
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," Cordelia told Regan. "What do you mean 'a loophole of a species'?"
Regan sighed heavily before starting her story once again. "Connor and I were very close. We told each other everything. That's why I found it impossible to lie to him after. . .after I got pregnant."
"You were pregnant?" Cordelia blurted. "But Connor-"
"It wasn't his baby," Regan hastened to tell Cordelia before smiling slightly at Cordelia's poorly masked relieved expression. "I wasn't unfaithful, either," continued Regan. "I didn't have a choice. Although, Connor seems to think I did."
"What happened?"
"I don't know why it happened, why they chose me, but they did. I can't say I wanted that baby. If there were any babies that I would have wanted to have, they would have been Connor's. But like I said, I didn't have a choice. There is no choice in rape."
Regan's voice was harder than Cordelia had ever heard it. She couldn't help but breathe a confused "What?" in response to Regan's statement. "But if this was forced upon you, how could Connor get so angry with you?"
"That's the thing about Greerimeen demons: they cant get a girl pregnant if they don't have her permission. It was my unfortunate luck that that particular law of species doesn't hold true for half-breeds." At this point Regan had tears in her eyes again and Cordelia could tell that Regan didn't want them to be seen.
Cordelia remained quiet while Regan stood up and began to walk around. She continued speaking. "I could understand it if I had purposely given myself to them, but that wasn't the case. And Connor- he wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain. He heard 'Greerimeen' and just stopped listening. Then he left."
Regan had stopped and stood staring off at an image only she could see, a memory she'd be better off without.
"Regan, I- I'm so sorry," Cordelia said softly, noticing how Regan no longer fought to hold the tears back. They rolled silently down her cheeks. "I know Connor can be stubborn and sort of ignorant, but-"
"No," Regan interrupted. "Connor had a right to be mad. I just wish he'd also have decided to listen."
Cordelia didn't really know what to say to comfort Regan, but she did have a question. She just hoped that it wouldn't be too insensitive to ask it.
"I'm sorry to ask this, but. . .if those demons got what they wanted from you, why are they still chasing after you?"
"They want revenge." Seeing the still slightly confused look on Cordelia's face, Regan continued. "Due to. . .personal circumstances, the baby was born completely human. That infuriated the demons and when they knew they wouldn't get what they wanted from me they tried to kill me. . .right after they killed the baby."
Cordelia wondered what circumstances could possibly have changed the genetic make-up of a child, but she couldn't bring herself to ask. Regan looked as though she were in enough pain.
"After that happened, I left," continued Regan. "I wanted to find Connor. The only thing that matters to me now is getting Connor to forgive me."
Regan looked down at her hands while Cordelia said, "But Regan, you did nothing wrong. None of this is your fault."
Regan looked up again and a tear slid down her cheek. Even though Cordelia could not see any fault of Regan's within the story Regan told, Cordelia could tell by the look on her face that Regan still believed she had done something wrong. After a very brief moment of looking Cordelia in the eye, Regan turned and began to walk slowly around the patio.
"I don't cry," Regan said apologetically, wiping at her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You're upset and you're hurting," replied Cordelia, getting up to walk Regan.
There was a moment when no one spoke, and Regan appeared as if she were lost in memory. Cordelia was about to leave Regan alone, thinking that there was no way that Regan could believe right now that everything would be okay, but before she could leave, Regan began to talk again.
"There was this song," she said. "There wasn't a lot of music where we were, but we had this song. I would sing it when we were together, and Connor, he. . . he didn't like to sing, he can't do it very well," she added with a small laugh, "but he would. . .He would sing it for me."
Cordelia didn't know what to say. The thought of Connor being romantic and even singing was slightly amusing to her, but Cordelia didn't feel like laughing. She wouldn't have even if she had wanted to. Regan's voice was beautiful. All thoughts of speaking left Cordelia's head when Regan began to sing. The song was calming and mystifying and Regan's voice only magnified those qualities in the song.
Cordelia could feel her thoughts drifting with the song and she wondered how long it would be before Connor would see the truth. If he ever did. . .
~~~
Lorne hummed to himself as he walked up the street toward the hotel. Singing down at the karaoke place always managed to somehow make him feel better.
Still humming along to the music in his head, he opened the gate to the patio and walked in. He stopped short a few steps in through when he heard a voice that was not his own singing the most beautiful song.
Walking toward the voice brought Lorne the view of Regan singing the song, a look of longing on her face, in her eyes. Lorne struggled with an inner morality at this sight. He didn't have Regan's permission to read her and it would be like an invasion of privacy, but at the same time he could find out about her intentions and could see just how honest she's being.
Safety outweighed integrity this time, and Lorne read Regan while he had the chance. He didn't know how long she would sing for. A moment's worth of concentration brought forth a lot of shocking information as well as a few affirmations. Lorne sensed that he could trust her and that what she had told them was true, but there was still something. . . Something he couldn't quite make sense out of.
After his reading Lorne stepped forward so that Regan and Cordelia would know he was there. They didn't seem to notice him, however. They appeared to be very wrapped up in the song. So Lorne spoke up. "Good evening, all," he said cheerily.
Regan's song abruptly quieted. "Lorne!" she said, sounding surprised. "You scared me half to death. Why didn't you make some noise or something?"
"Sorry, kiwi. I got a little distracted," replied Lorne. There was a small pause in which the others knew Lorne wanted to say something more but was very hesitant about it. Finally he managed to make audible sounds. "Regan, I was wondering if I could ask you a question."
"Sure, go ahead. What would you like to know?"
"First, I'd like to ask if you know about my. . .talent."
"Yeah, you can tell people's futures when they sing, right?"
"Yeah," Lorne answered reluctantly.
"Oh, Lorne!" exclaimed Cordelia excitedly. "Why don't you read Regan? Maybe that way there we can learn something about the coming battle. And it's not exactly as if hearing her would be painful for you."
"That kind of leads in to something else I wanted to talk to you about," Lorne answered with regret in his voice, his gaze avoiding Regan's eyes. "I know that this is a breach of privacy, and I really struggled with this, but. . . I read you already when you were singing before. I'm sorry."
Regan's face was blank for a moment, and then she smiled. "That's okay," she said. "You told me the truth and you didn't wait until everything came down around you into a pile of deceit and betrayal." Lorne and Cordelia exchanged a glance. "I think we may still be able to prevent that from happening if you tell me everything you. . . saw."
"Well, that's where the subject becomes touchy," replied Lorne, a slight grimace on his face.
"Why? What is it?" asked Regan.
"Well, aside from a bunch of confused mush that didn't make any sense what- so-ever, I can tell you with nearly one hundred percent certainty that this creature you're talking about so much lately is on his way, most likely within the next two or three days. I could practically smell the evil when you were singing. . .There was something peculiar about it though."
"And what's that?"
"It didn't appear to have to face of a monster."
"Looks can be deceiving," Regan responded nonchalantly. "Did you see what he did look like?"
"No, it was more of an impression than anything else."
"I see."
"Is that everything you can tell us?" Cordelia asked. "I mean, nothing solid about looks or anything?"
"I could tell you what he looked like if you really wanted to know," put in Regan. Cordelia made a face that that said she knew what Regan had said, but had momentarily forgotten. Regan continued speaking. "What I'm interested in is the completely non-demon related information that Lorne's holding back on."
All eyes became focused on Lorne and he knew his expression portrayed his guilt. What he didn't know was how Regan knew he was holding back. But how was he supposed to word this? It was definitely a touchy subject, and Lorne didn't know Regan that well. Although he certainly knew her a lot better now, since the reading.
"You and Connor. . "
"What about me and Connor?" Regan asked, suddenly losing all enthusiasm.
"That involves an intimate discussion that should really stay between the intimates," Lorne answered slowly.
There was a brief moment of silence before Regan replied, "Oh," with mild surprise, surprise that was shared, but more strongly, with a wide-eyed Cordelia.
But he had to admit to himself that that was one thing he definitely was not. He had been hurt when Holtz died, he had been hurt when Cordelia made it quite clear that she wanted to be with his father, and . . .he had been hurt when Regan betrayed him. He refused to let it happen again.
~~~
"Regan, can I talk to you?" Cordelia asked when she finally had a moment.
"Look, I've already told you I'm on your side, and if you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do to convince you otherwise, short of-" Regan cut herself off, then said again, "There's nothing I can do."
Cordelia ignored Regan's stumble and told her instead what was really there to talk about. "I'm not here to accuse you. In fact, I believe you."
"You do?" Regan asked, surprise clear in her green eyes.
"Yes. So there's no reason for you to try to convince me. I already believe you."
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" They were outside, so Regan sat down on one of the benches that were out there.
"Well, in all honesty, I want to talk to you about Connor," Cordelia said, sitting in the bench opposite Regan's so that she'd be able to face her.
"Oh boy," responded Regan. She put a hand to her head and rubbed it for a moment. "Well, what do you want to know? If you're going to be fighting with me you might as well know what you want. It's not like it's a big secret anyway."
"Why don't you start by telling me what things were like between you two before. . .everything happened."
"It was just like any other relationship, I guess. Except that on a date, we'd be hiding, discussing the plans of the enemy and what we were going to do about them. And instead of everyone knowing we were together, it was only the very few good guys who could be trusted not to sell out to Tobey or any of his workers were the ones who knew. And instead of hiding things from each other, we were totally honest. Okay, so I guess it wasn't just like any other relationship. But we were happy." Regan developed a far off gaze as she recalled the time that seemed so long ago now.
"So what happened?" Cordelia asked gently. "Did Tobey find out?"
"If Tobey found out, I'd be dead."
"So what was it?"
Regan made a noise of indignation. "A loophole in the laws of a species."
~~~
Angel decided that Regan could be a threat to them. If she told them that she worked for the demon that was coming, expecting her complete honesty to gain their trust, then she could use that against them when the time came for the monster to arrive. Angel knew there was only one way to know for sure if Regan told the truth: Connor.
Trying to act like a father instead of just another intruder, Angel knocked on Connor's door instead of just walking in. When there was no answer, Angel knocked again. He knew Connor was in there. Angel could hear him walking back and forth in front of his window. Angel knocked one more time, but when Connor still didn't open the door, Angel tried the knob and found it to be unlocked.
Angel walked into the room to see Connor reseated at the window. Not wanting to waste any more time, Angel got straight to the point of his visit.
"Connor, I have to talk to you about Regan," Angel told him.
"Too bad. I have nothing to say about her."
"Connor, she told us something and only you can verify if she's telling the truth. We cant afford to trust her if she's here to kill us all. . . What do you know about Tobey?"
At the mention of the demon's name, Connor looked up. "What about Tobey?" he asked.
"Well, if what Regan says turns out to be true, then he's on his way here and prepared to take over. And since she works for him. . . I just need to know what you know."
"Don't worry," Connor replied, turning to look out the window. "Regan hates Tobey. If she tells you she wants to kill him, believe me, she will."
Angel nodded even though Connor's back was turned to him. So Regan was telling the truth. At least he got that much out of Connor, even though he would have preferred much more.
"Thanks," said Angel before walking out the door. There were still so many things he would have loved to ask Conner; that is if he knew Connor would answer him. Angel was surprised that Connor even said what he did. But at least now he knew Regan could be trusted. He just wished he knew why Tobey was coming here. If all he wanted was the Greerimeens, he could just take them. The need for the demon to come here seemed suspicious to Angel, so he decided that he would talk to Regan about all of this as soon as possible.
~~~
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," Cordelia told Regan. "What do you mean 'a loophole of a species'?"
Regan sighed heavily before starting her story once again. "Connor and I were very close. We told each other everything. That's why I found it impossible to lie to him after. . .after I got pregnant."
"You were pregnant?" Cordelia blurted. "But Connor-"
"It wasn't his baby," Regan hastened to tell Cordelia before smiling slightly at Cordelia's poorly masked relieved expression. "I wasn't unfaithful, either," continued Regan. "I didn't have a choice. Although, Connor seems to think I did."
"What happened?"
"I don't know why it happened, why they chose me, but they did. I can't say I wanted that baby. If there were any babies that I would have wanted to have, they would have been Connor's. But like I said, I didn't have a choice. There is no choice in rape."
Regan's voice was harder than Cordelia had ever heard it. She couldn't help but breathe a confused "What?" in response to Regan's statement. "But if this was forced upon you, how could Connor get so angry with you?"
"That's the thing about Greerimeen demons: they cant get a girl pregnant if they don't have her permission. It was my unfortunate luck that that particular law of species doesn't hold true for half-breeds." At this point Regan had tears in her eyes again and Cordelia could tell that Regan didn't want them to be seen.
Cordelia remained quiet while Regan stood up and began to walk around. She continued speaking. "I could understand it if I had purposely given myself to them, but that wasn't the case. And Connor- he wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain. He heard 'Greerimeen' and just stopped listening. Then he left."
Regan had stopped and stood staring off at an image only she could see, a memory she'd be better off without.
"Regan, I- I'm so sorry," Cordelia said softly, noticing how Regan no longer fought to hold the tears back. They rolled silently down her cheeks. "I know Connor can be stubborn and sort of ignorant, but-"
"No," Regan interrupted. "Connor had a right to be mad. I just wish he'd also have decided to listen."
Cordelia didn't really know what to say to comfort Regan, but she did have a question. She just hoped that it wouldn't be too insensitive to ask it.
"I'm sorry to ask this, but. . .if those demons got what they wanted from you, why are they still chasing after you?"
"They want revenge." Seeing the still slightly confused look on Cordelia's face, Regan continued. "Due to. . .personal circumstances, the baby was born completely human. That infuriated the demons and when they knew they wouldn't get what they wanted from me they tried to kill me. . .right after they killed the baby."
Cordelia wondered what circumstances could possibly have changed the genetic make-up of a child, but she couldn't bring herself to ask. Regan looked as though she were in enough pain.
"After that happened, I left," continued Regan. "I wanted to find Connor. The only thing that matters to me now is getting Connor to forgive me."
Regan looked down at her hands while Cordelia said, "But Regan, you did nothing wrong. None of this is your fault."
Regan looked up again and a tear slid down her cheek. Even though Cordelia could not see any fault of Regan's within the story Regan told, Cordelia could tell by the look on her face that Regan still believed she had done something wrong. After a very brief moment of looking Cordelia in the eye, Regan turned and began to walk slowly around the patio.
"I don't cry," Regan said apologetically, wiping at her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You're upset and you're hurting," replied Cordelia, getting up to walk Regan.
There was a moment when no one spoke, and Regan appeared as if she were lost in memory. Cordelia was about to leave Regan alone, thinking that there was no way that Regan could believe right now that everything would be okay, but before she could leave, Regan began to talk again.
"There was this song," she said. "There wasn't a lot of music where we were, but we had this song. I would sing it when we were together, and Connor, he. . . he didn't like to sing, he can't do it very well," she added with a small laugh, "but he would. . .He would sing it for me."
Cordelia didn't know what to say. The thought of Connor being romantic and even singing was slightly amusing to her, but Cordelia didn't feel like laughing. She wouldn't have even if she had wanted to. Regan's voice was beautiful. All thoughts of speaking left Cordelia's head when Regan began to sing. The song was calming and mystifying and Regan's voice only magnified those qualities in the song.
Cordelia could feel her thoughts drifting with the song and she wondered how long it would be before Connor would see the truth. If he ever did. . .
~~~
Lorne hummed to himself as he walked up the street toward the hotel. Singing down at the karaoke place always managed to somehow make him feel better.
Still humming along to the music in his head, he opened the gate to the patio and walked in. He stopped short a few steps in through when he heard a voice that was not his own singing the most beautiful song.
Walking toward the voice brought Lorne the view of Regan singing the song, a look of longing on her face, in her eyes. Lorne struggled with an inner morality at this sight. He didn't have Regan's permission to read her and it would be like an invasion of privacy, but at the same time he could find out about her intentions and could see just how honest she's being.
Safety outweighed integrity this time, and Lorne read Regan while he had the chance. He didn't know how long she would sing for. A moment's worth of concentration brought forth a lot of shocking information as well as a few affirmations. Lorne sensed that he could trust her and that what she had told them was true, but there was still something. . . Something he couldn't quite make sense out of.
After his reading Lorne stepped forward so that Regan and Cordelia would know he was there. They didn't seem to notice him, however. They appeared to be very wrapped up in the song. So Lorne spoke up. "Good evening, all," he said cheerily.
Regan's song abruptly quieted. "Lorne!" she said, sounding surprised. "You scared me half to death. Why didn't you make some noise or something?"
"Sorry, kiwi. I got a little distracted," replied Lorne. There was a small pause in which the others knew Lorne wanted to say something more but was very hesitant about it. Finally he managed to make audible sounds. "Regan, I was wondering if I could ask you a question."
"Sure, go ahead. What would you like to know?"
"First, I'd like to ask if you know about my. . .talent."
"Yeah, you can tell people's futures when they sing, right?"
"Yeah," Lorne answered reluctantly.
"Oh, Lorne!" exclaimed Cordelia excitedly. "Why don't you read Regan? Maybe that way there we can learn something about the coming battle. And it's not exactly as if hearing her would be painful for you."
"That kind of leads in to something else I wanted to talk to you about," Lorne answered with regret in his voice, his gaze avoiding Regan's eyes. "I know that this is a breach of privacy, and I really struggled with this, but. . . I read you already when you were singing before. I'm sorry."
Regan's face was blank for a moment, and then she smiled. "That's okay," she said. "You told me the truth and you didn't wait until everything came down around you into a pile of deceit and betrayal." Lorne and Cordelia exchanged a glance. "I think we may still be able to prevent that from happening if you tell me everything you. . . saw."
"Well, that's where the subject becomes touchy," replied Lorne, a slight grimace on his face.
"Why? What is it?" asked Regan.
"Well, aside from a bunch of confused mush that didn't make any sense what- so-ever, I can tell you with nearly one hundred percent certainty that this creature you're talking about so much lately is on his way, most likely within the next two or three days. I could practically smell the evil when you were singing. . .There was something peculiar about it though."
"And what's that?"
"It didn't appear to have to face of a monster."
"Looks can be deceiving," Regan responded nonchalantly. "Did you see what he did look like?"
"No, it was more of an impression than anything else."
"I see."
"Is that everything you can tell us?" Cordelia asked. "I mean, nothing solid about looks or anything?"
"I could tell you what he looked like if you really wanted to know," put in Regan. Cordelia made a face that that said she knew what Regan had said, but had momentarily forgotten. Regan continued speaking. "What I'm interested in is the completely non-demon related information that Lorne's holding back on."
All eyes became focused on Lorne and he knew his expression portrayed his guilt. What he didn't know was how Regan knew he was holding back. But how was he supposed to word this? It was definitely a touchy subject, and Lorne didn't know Regan that well. Although he certainly knew her a lot better now, since the reading.
"You and Connor. . "
"What about me and Connor?" Regan asked, suddenly losing all enthusiasm.
"That involves an intimate discussion that should really stay between the intimates," Lorne answered slowly.
There was a brief moment of silence before Regan replied, "Oh," with mild surprise, surprise that was shared, but more strongly, with a wide-eyed Cordelia.