Author's Note: Thanks everyone for following along this week, and for the reviews. I tried Mr.Dimitri, I really tried.... but heck I like to read reviews. No you weren't hallucinating readers, Eli's smoking did not filter into your room or home .... I didn't post a chapter yesterday. Unfortunately some unforseen stuff popped up, and I didn't have as much as an hour to spare to write anything. But I promised seven chapters this week, so there is this one today and hopefully a nice long chapter tomorrow. I already have the last line I'm going to use in tomorrow's chapter in my mind.... but the in between part, who knows I shrug. The chapter title is also the title of a song on Elvis Costello's cd: When I was cruel. I liked it, you know Destiny Turned on the Radio and all that .... The music verses included are some of that music of 'weird old america' that he wanted in the play. Or at least the script writers visualized in the play.
The gift he gave her for Christmas? The answer is it's whatever you need it to be. Myself when I re-read the chapter I saw it as gloves. ND, thought I meant it was a ring. I didn't actually consciously put a specific gift in at all. But now well I like the thought of gloves. Very Chekhov, what do you think?
"If I am ever to be killed I would like Eric Stoltz to take my place in life. He's a great human being and a deep, refulgent actor with a terrific range. He is liked by all, and I am honored to work with him." ROGER AVARY.
RADIO SILENCE
"~~If you miss the train I'm on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow, a hundred miles...."
Dimitri lifted the needle easing the pressure on the record off. It didn't bear thinking about any longer. Honestly it was time to move on wasn't it. But why did he not want to. They were happy now and soon Grace would be graduating. Classes started again Monday, then what's six more months and that would end it all. It all. He changed the record.
"~~Are you going to Scarborough Fair, parsley sage rosemary and time..
Tell her to find me...
Between the soft water..
Then she will be a true love of mine."
He smiled for she had found him. All the doubts he once had that he could make her happy, that he could be hurting her or damaging her innocence somehow had lifted. He was beginning to think maybe he was the innocent one. He had never perceived himself that way. No he was jagged, experienced, comfortable with himself. Wasn't he? But maybe it took a mistake to realize you never knew. That faith was more important than certainty. Free falling and letting happiness come. It was everywhere. Faith enough to find certainty and appreciate it. But he was scared, and he hadn't known it until she said what she did. Until Grace. A world without Grace was something inconceivable to him now, he had lived so long it seemed as part of that world. He thought he was the only one who knew he was scared, he never expected another person to understand. To understand that it wasn't for himself he was scared- not really, is was the fear that others were scared for him and didn't trust in him. August moved and sat down on a chair in his living room alone. Was he too old to start again? To start over and do it right this time. To write the right book. To be with the right woman. To do all the things maybe he sacrificed the first time. He had a messy history and it was useless to blame anyone for that now, even himself. All blame is shared. There is in fact no such thing as blame then...doesn't the thought that all can be held responsible in some minute way- well couldn't that cancel out the principle, in some way.
August opened the curtains and looked out. He opened the drawer of his side table and took out his glass' case. He put them on. No more.
Grace had given him a cd for Christmas, among all the other gifts she had given him. Joni Mitchell. He was sentimental enough for a man to be pleased about it. He knew Grace well enough and he saw pieces of her in the songs Joni sang...
"~~Mama thinks she spoiled me.
Papa knows somehow he set me free.
Mama think she spoiled me rotten she blames herself, but how cause he blesses me
It's a rough road to travel, but mama let go now
It's always cold for me...
Sometimes I get that feeling and I wanna settle down and raise a child up with somebody...
But it passes like the summer
I'm a wild seed again
Let the wind carry me."
~~********************************
Grace was finishing up an essay at the counter and passed it over to Dimitri to proof read. There was a new addition to his fridge gallery. A picture of Grace, the only one he had as yet.
"You know it's nice, this arrangement."
"It is." He smiled. "But remember I'm not giving any opinion on this at all. Just proof reading."
"Ever strict. Yes I understand", she nodded.
August laughed and passed back the page. "There you go my nymph. Muse. Teacher of how to be human-"
"So when are you due back in California? It seems you've been here a long time. [quickly] I didn't mean that like it sounded-"
"I resigned."
"What, but I -"
"Grace, listen it isn't that-"
Taking in what he had said, she was surprised. Not that he would do it, no it wasn't that. But that he hadn't told her until now.
Dimitri scratched his neck and got up. He walked over to a woven basket on the counter and located an elastic. He pulled his hair back. All his hair in a small pony tail. "I wasn't decided the direction I was going to take, but California was too far from you. I enjoyed working on the play there, but I'd rather be working on plays here. Plays you could see and share with me. I'm not sure what will happen living here, where exactly I will find a place, but it doesn't matter. I want to be here. I like this house- "
"So you've decided to go back to Upton Sinclair?"
"I'm going in to meet with Mr. Brooker tuesday. Depending how it goes- well, I'm sort of excited about this.
"Isn't it weird the thought of going back now?"
"Isn't everything a little weird. Everything. Every single thing."
"So we might, like meet up in the hall or something tuesday-"
She gave him a weak smile. His eyes changed, in a way impossible to describe but in no way was the change indecernable. Suddenly overcome. It was a transformation that was seen before. The sudden blueness. Weird that there are no words, there should be. If someone ever finds them please tell me. He actually had freckles all over, something she hadn't really noticed before. Dimitri's thoughts were somewhere else, with all the things he tried so hard to ignore but became immediate, and she was there. He stepped forward and touched her face gently with his hands. He started to kiss her.
Their lips parted and after the briefest interlude he came back again. He came back.
"And this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car...
I come back to the things you are.
All my instincts they return
The grand fascade so soon with burn
Without a noise
Without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes"
The gift he gave her for Christmas? The answer is it's whatever you need it to be. Myself when I re-read the chapter I saw it as gloves. ND, thought I meant it was a ring. I didn't actually consciously put a specific gift in at all. But now well I like the thought of gloves. Very Chekhov, what do you think?
"If I am ever to be killed I would like Eric Stoltz to take my place in life. He's a great human being and a deep, refulgent actor with a terrific range. He is liked by all, and I am honored to work with him." ROGER AVARY.
RADIO SILENCE
"~~If you miss the train I'm on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow, a hundred miles...."
Dimitri lifted the needle easing the pressure on the record off. It didn't bear thinking about any longer. Honestly it was time to move on wasn't it. But why did he not want to. They were happy now and soon Grace would be graduating. Classes started again Monday, then what's six more months and that would end it all. It all. He changed the record.
"~~Are you going to Scarborough Fair, parsley sage rosemary and time..
Tell her to find me...
Between the soft water..
Then she will be a true love of mine."
He smiled for she had found him. All the doubts he once had that he could make her happy, that he could be hurting her or damaging her innocence somehow had lifted. He was beginning to think maybe he was the innocent one. He had never perceived himself that way. No he was jagged, experienced, comfortable with himself. Wasn't he? But maybe it took a mistake to realize you never knew. That faith was more important than certainty. Free falling and letting happiness come. It was everywhere. Faith enough to find certainty and appreciate it. But he was scared, and he hadn't known it until she said what she did. Until Grace. A world without Grace was something inconceivable to him now, he had lived so long it seemed as part of that world. He thought he was the only one who knew he was scared, he never expected another person to understand. To understand that it wasn't for himself he was scared- not really, is was the fear that others were scared for him and didn't trust in him. August moved and sat down on a chair in his living room alone. Was he too old to start again? To start over and do it right this time. To write the right book. To be with the right woman. To do all the things maybe he sacrificed the first time. He had a messy history and it was useless to blame anyone for that now, even himself. All blame is shared. There is in fact no such thing as blame then...doesn't the thought that all can be held responsible in some minute way- well couldn't that cancel out the principle, in some way.
August opened the curtains and looked out. He opened the drawer of his side table and took out his glass' case. He put them on. No more.
Grace had given him a cd for Christmas, among all the other gifts she had given him. Joni Mitchell. He was sentimental enough for a man to be pleased about it. He knew Grace well enough and he saw pieces of her in the songs Joni sang...
"~~Mama thinks she spoiled me.
Papa knows somehow he set me free.
Mama think she spoiled me rotten she blames herself, but how cause he blesses me
It's a rough road to travel, but mama let go now
It's always cold for me...
Sometimes I get that feeling and I wanna settle down and raise a child up with somebody...
But it passes like the summer
I'm a wild seed again
Let the wind carry me."
~~********************************
Grace was finishing up an essay at the counter and passed it over to Dimitri to proof read. There was a new addition to his fridge gallery. A picture of Grace, the only one he had as yet.
"You know it's nice, this arrangement."
"It is." He smiled. "But remember I'm not giving any opinion on this at all. Just proof reading."
"Ever strict. Yes I understand", she nodded.
August laughed and passed back the page. "There you go my nymph. Muse. Teacher of how to be human-"
"So when are you due back in California? It seems you've been here a long time. [quickly] I didn't mean that like it sounded-"
"I resigned."
"What, but I -"
"Grace, listen it isn't that-"
Taking in what he had said, she was surprised. Not that he would do it, no it wasn't that. But that he hadn't told her until now.
Dimitri scratched his neck and got up. He walked over to a woven basket on the counter and located an elastic. He pulled his hair back. All his hair in a small pony tail. "I wasn't decided the direction I was going to take, but California was too far from you. I enjoyed working on the play there, but I'd rather be working on plays here. Plays you could see and share with me. I'm not sure what will happen living here, where exactly I will find a place, but it doesn't matter. I want to be here. I like this house- "
"So you've decided to go back to Upton Sinclair?"
"I'm going in to meet with Mr. Brooker tuesday. Depending how it goes- well, I'm sort of excited about this.
"Isn't it weird the thought of going back now?"
"Isn't everything a little weird. Everything. Every single thing."
"So we might, like meet up in the hall or something tuesday-"
She gave him a weak smile. His eyes changed, in a way impossible to describe but in no way was the change indecernable. Suddenly overcome. It was a transformation that was seen before. The sudden blueness. Weird that there are no words, there should be. If someone ever finds them please tell me. He actually had freckles all over, something she hadn't really noticed before. Dimitri's thoughts were somewhere else, with all the things he tried so hard to ignore but became immediate, and she was there. He stepped forward and touched her face gently with his hands. He started to kiss her.
Their lips parted and after the briefest interlude he came back again. He came back.
"And this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car...
I come back to the things you are.
All my instincts they return
The grand fascade so soon with burn
Without a noise
Without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes"