Hullo all! I don't own any of these people. Don't own any of the other
stuff I reference in this phic. If you got a question or concern about this
here phic, just drop me a note. "send it C/o the Ghost by return of post.
-PTO"
Christine: (Now a Valley Girl, singing her ditzy little heart out) Like, "Think of me, think
of me fondly"...Oh, like, I don't feel so good! (faints)
(Back in her dressing room)
Raoul: (Now a Gansta poser) Yo yo, Chrissy, ma chizzle. Wassup? (Makes stupid
looking hand gestures in accordance with his mindlessly spouted drivel)
Christine: Wow! It's like, you! (A loud and conspicuous throat clearing is heard behind
the mirror) Oh, damn. I mean, like...who the hell are you?
Raoul: Yo! I be R to the Aoul, babe!
Christine: (Confused) Like, what?
Raoul: Um, it's me, Raoul. We used to hang back in the 'hood.
Christine: Like, you're really cute and all but I don't remember you saving my scarf and
all that junk at all....
Raoul: Duuuude. Um, so ya wanna get some eats an' go for a lil trip in ma sweet ride? I
be bling-blingin'!
Christine: (blinks) Like, I don't have any idea what you just said. But, I'll like, talk to the
little voice in my head and ask if I can. But, he's like, soooooo uptight. (a muffled "bitch"
is heard from behind the mirror)
Raoul: Little voice? Huh?
Christine: Like, the Angel of Music. Hello! Buh-bye! DUH!
Raoul: Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?
Christine: Who's Willis?
Raoul: Nevermind.
Christine: Anywho, like, Daddy sent me the Angel from, like, Heaven. An' he's been,
like, y'know, teaching me and junk.
Raoul: Dats coo'. Yo I'ma gonn go change my threads is goin' out o' style. Catch ya on
the streets in 5 ma sweet thang.
Christine: Wha?
Raoul: I hassa go ask my big bro if I can go out tonight. I'll come get you in 5 minutes,
suga.
Christine: Oh. Like, why didn't you just say so?
Raoul: Yo suga muffin, I gots me a image to maintain. (tries to look studly. Fails
miserably, and trips on his way out while attempting a punk boyband move)
Erik: (Um, yeah. Well Erik doesn't really have a stereotype, 'cause he's Erik. So I just did
a little tweeking. Have mercy!) Jesus, who was that jackass?
Christine: Um, like, he was, like a friend when I was little. An' now, I think he's like, so
hot and junk.
Erik: Forget that MTV reject. He could never do for you what I can.
Christine: But, he has, like, a REALLY nice ass!
Erik: (sighs) Sometimes you just have to do things the hard way. Come with me. (Opens
the mirror)
Christine: Like, this won't, like involve drugs and booze will it?
Erik: Of course not. That would be wrong. (flash cheesy after-school- special smile. Teeth
sparkle)
Christine: Like, OK! (hops through the mirror with waaay too much pep for a normal
human being)
Erik: (does a little "hell yes" move and closes the mirror) Follow me, I have the most
kickass lair downstairs.
Christine: Got cable?
Erik: Satelite with a TiVo system.
Christine: Let's go!
Erik: (showing her around the lair)....And that's the kitchen--I'm a fabulous cook by the
way--and that door is the rec room, and that one's the torture chamber.
Christine: Damn. What's that do?
Erik: A little something I like to call non-stop Richard Simmons. (sexy evil grin) So, you
want to watch a movie or something?
Christine: Um, sure. Do you have, like, Clueless?
Erik: I despise that movie. All those ditzy girls, using those horribly overdone cliches. I
just can't stand it. (long awkward silence)
Christine: Anyhow, like, do you have it?
Erik: (flatly) My VCR ate it.
Christine: Oh. What else you got?
Erik: I have Dead Poets Society.
Christine: Like, EEEW!!!! Who wants to watch a movie about some icky dead guys??
Erik: Well, it isn't exactly about dead guys. I think it's a very good movie. Makes some
good points about individuality and it has a lot of integrety and artistic credit....and you
don't give a whit about any of that, do you?
Christine: Nope! What else is there?
Erik: I have the entire first season of Batman: TAS.
Christine: I don't like Batman. He's creepy. I like Superman.
Erik: Yeah, you would.... (sits down at the piano) I could play you something.
Christine: Awesome! Do you, like, know anything by Britany Spears?
Erik: (glowers at her) No!
Christine: Um, like, ok. How about, like, N*Sync? They're dreamy!
Erik: Tell ya what. I'll play something nice with some musical validity, and you shut your
trap and listen, mm-kay?
Christine: Uh! Like, don't use such big words! It, like, confuses me!
Erik: (muttering) I'll bet. (proceeds to play something similar to MOTN, but different
enough so that ALW won't flay my hide. He also sings with it. *drool*)
Christine: Ooooh.pwetty! (passes out in Erik's arms)
Erik: Well, this worked out nicely!
(the next morning)
Christine: (waking up) Oh, man.like, I REALLY need some Valume. (notices Erik
composing) Dude, it's that guy. Damn, he didn't tell me, like, who he was. An' I like,
promised myself that I wouldn't like, y'know, spend the night with any more strange men
when I, like, don't know who they are. Oh well. Better late than, like, never. (rips off his
mask) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Erik: God dammit! (hastily covers face) What in hell possessed you to do that? Aren't
you up on your mythology?
Christine: (stops screaming long enough to be confused) Like, huh?
Erik: You know..Psyche and Eros..Pandora's box..the woman who wanted to see
Zeus' true face and got burnt to a crisp..Is ANY of this ringing a bell? (Christine shakes her head stupidly. Erik smacks his head on the floor) All right, put the mask down and
nobody gets hurt!
Christine: Ew! Like, you look SO gross!
Erik: (sarcastically) Gee, I hadn't noticed. Now gimmie!
Christine: Ewewewewewewewewew! I can't believe I, like, thought about sleeping with
you!
Erik: So that's out of the question now, huh? Yeah, I kinda figured..
Christine: Can't you get some, like, cream or stuff to fix that?
Erik: Look! It's hard enough for me to deal with this without you freaking out on me, all
right? (giving her puppy eyes) I wish I could be handsome for you.I wish I could be
your perfect gentleman and everything you would want me to be.everything I could
never be for you.but all I can hope is that.that you're able to see past my appearance.
That you're not shallow and petty like everyone else. Please. I'm just a man, standing in
front of a girl, asking her to love him. (awww)
Christine: Like, fat chance, LOSER!
Erik: (looks hurt) Please..
Christine: (chucks the mask at him) Here's your stupid mask! Probably has, like, UGLY
cooties anyhow. (wipes hands off on dress)
Erik: (replacing the mask hastily) Come on. Someone's gonna think you got mugged if I
don't bring you back soon. (leads her off)
(later)
Raoul: Dude. Where's that little hottie Christine?
Christine: (popping up) I'm here!
Raoul: Yo baby, where you been? I been goin' crazy wit-out chew.
Christine: I still, like, don't understand you.but I'm sure that was, like, really sweet.
(cuddles with him)
Raoul: Oh yeah, dat biz'natch Carlotta was bitchin' about you. She done stole your part.
An' I got dis trippin' note from some brotha callin hisself "OG" Dawg.
Christine: Whoa, that is soooo weird. I, like, just came from his place!
Raoul: Well, I'm rorally gonna trash his azz when I find him. An' I'm gonna find him by
sittin' in his box. I'm gonna show that bi'otch who da man! WOO!
Christine: Um, like, whatever.
(at the performance)
Carlotta: (now a raving queen, and yes, I mean a man in drag) Oh gawd, I wish we were
doing Pajama Game! Oh well. Anywho, I'm just fabulous and you're not! Hahahahaha!
Erik: (from nowhere) You fuckers are the sorriest excuse for an opera company I've ever
seen. And what the HELL is that dumbass doing in my box?
Christine: (yelling at Erik, whom she can't see) Like, can't you leave me alone for like, 5
minutes? You have some MAJOR control issues!
Carlotta: Shut UUUP! I cannot work like this you skinny little bitch!
Erik: NOBODY calls MY girl a bitch, you bitch!
Carlotta: Hmph! See if I renew my contract! Anywho.I'm just fabul-woof! (blinks)
Ahem, I'm just fa-WOOF WOOF! (covers mouth)
Erik: And, by the way, FOP.I WANT MY SEAT!!!
Carlotta: Woof woof woof.oh shit! (runs off)
Christine: Well now what the hell am I supposed to do? (wanders off)
Manager 1: (skidding to a stop centre stage) Ummm. Technical difficulty. We're gonna
fix things.uh.in the meantime here's some mindless drivel-oh! I mean, here's a
totally boss dance mix. (runs off and the dancers run on and begin their set)
Erik: This seriously blows. (starts dropping lights and making shadows to screw up the
dancers. Finally a body falls from the rafters.)
Manager 2: Look! It's Jow Buquet! That fucked up stagehand who kept seeing
Phantoms!
Manager 1: He's dead!
Everyone 'cept Erik: OH CRAP! AAAAAAAAAHHH!
Christine: Like, OH! My God! Oh my GOD! Oh MY God!
Raoul: Yo! Lez get outta here!
Christine: Let's go to the roof and make out!
Raoul: K-diggity. (they run off)
Erik: Dammit.
(on the roof)
Raoul: So wassup chica?
Christine: Like, it was the Phantom! He messed up the show!
Raoul: Yo, sweety! There ain't no Phantom! You're on crack!
Christine: But I, like, SAW him! And was NASTY lookin'! (gets a ditzy little look on her
face) But, like, he was still, like, REALLY hot! And he's kinda cute.but not, like, cute-
cute.more like one of those really grody hairless rats.y'know, like, they're so god-
awful disgusting it's kinda cute 'cause they're like, so pathetic?
Raoul: That didn't EVEN make no sense!
Erik: (hiding behind statue) She digs me.
Christine: Like, what was that?
Raoul: Yo. I wanna be your man.
Christine: OK.
Raoul: Who's yo daddy?
Christine: Ummm..Daddy Daae?
Raoul: (slaps forehead) Um.no.I'M yo daddy.
Christine: Huh? That's like, so GROSS!
Raoul: No, no, no. PIMP daddy. You ma bitch.
Christine: I am, like, SO insulted!
Raoul: No, no, baby. That's a GOOD thing.
Christine: (Whining) Like, but I don't want to be a bitch!
Raoul: Nevermind. Jus' be ma lova.
Christine: Mm-k!
(they run off)
Erik: (emerging from behind the statue) I think I'm going to gag. After all I've DONE for
her! I need to smash something! (storms off)
Christine: (onstage) Like, OH MY GOD! THE CHANDELIER!
(CRASH)
Erik: I feel so much better!
(End Act 1)
Christine: (Now a Valley Girl, singing her ditzy little heart out) Like, "Think of me, think
of me fondly"...Oh, like, I don't feel so good! (faints)
(Back in her dressing room)
Raoul: (Now a Gansta poser) Yo yo, Chrissy, ma chizzle. Wassup? (Makes stupid
looking hand gestures in accordance with his mindlessly spouted drivel)
Christine: Wow! It's like, you! (A loud and conspicuous throat clearing is heard behind
the mirror) Oh, damn. I mean, like...who the hell are you?
Raoul: Yo! I be R to the Aoul, babe!
Christine: (Confused) Like, what?
Raoul: Um, it's me, Raoul. We used to hang back in the 'hood.
Christine: Like, you're really cute and all but I don't remember you saving my scarf and
all that junk at all....
Raoul: Duuuude. Um, so ya wanna get some eats an' go for a lil trip in ma sweet ride? I
be bling-blingin'!
Christine: (blinks) Like, I don't have any idea what you just said. But, I'll like, talk to the
little voice in my head and ask if I can. But, he's like, soooooo uptight. (a muffled "bitch"
is heard from behind the mirror)
Raoul: Little voice? Huh?
Christine: Like, the Angel of Music. Hello! Buh-bye! DUH!
Raoul: Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?
Christine: Who's Willis?
Raoul: Nevermind.
Christine: Anywho, like, Daddy sent me the Angel from, like, Heaven. An' he's been,
like, y'know, teaching me and junk.
Raoul: Dats coo'. Yo I'ma gonn go change my threads is goin' out o' style. Catch ya on
the streets in 5 ma sweet thang.
Christine: Wha?
Raoul: I hassa go ask my big bro if I can go out tonight. I'll come get you in 5 minutes,
suga.
Christine: Oh. Like, why didn't you just say so?
Raoul: Yo suga muffin, I gots me a image to maintain. (tries to look studly. Fails
miserably, and trips on his way out while attempting a punk boyband move)
Erik: (Um, yeah. Well Erik doesn't really have a stereotype, 'cause he's Erik. So I just did
a little tweeking. Have mercy!) Jesus, who was that jackass?
Christine: Um, like, he was, like a friend when I was little. An' now, I think he's like, so
hot and junk.
Erik: Forget that MTV reject. He could never do for you what I can.
Christine: But, he has, like, a REALLY nice ass!
Erik: (sighs) Sometimes you just have to do things the hard way. Come with me. (Opens
the mirror)
Christine: Like, this won't, like involve drugs and booze will it?
Erik: Of course not. That would be wrong. (flash cheesy after-school- special smile. Teeth
sparkle)
Christine: Like, OK! (hops through the mirror with waaay too much pep for a normal
human being)
Erik: (does a little "hell yes" move and closes the mirror) Follow me, I have the most
kickass lair downstairs.
Christine: Got cable?
Erik: Satelite with a TiVo system.
Christine: Let's go!
Erik: (showing her around the lair)....And that's the kitchen--I'm a fabulous cook by the
way--and that door is the rec room, and that one's the torture chamber.
Christine: Damn. What's that do?
Erik: A little something I like to call non-stop Richard Simmons. (sexy evil grin) So, you
want to watch a movie or something?
Christine: Um, sure. Do you have, like, Clueless?
Erik: I despise that movie. All those ditzy girls, using those horribly overdone cliches. I
just can't stand it. (long awkward silence)
Christine: Anyhow, like, do you have it?
Erik: (flatly) My VCR ate it.
Christine: Oh. What else you got?
Erik: I have Dead Poets Society.
Christine: Like, EEEW!!!! Who wants to watch a movie about some icky dead guys??
Erik: Well, it isn't exactly about dead guys. I think it's a very good movie. Makes some
good points about individuality and it has a lot of integrety and artistic credit....and you
don't give a whit about any of that, do you?
Christine: Nope! What else is there?
Erik: I have the entire first season of Batman: TAS.
Christine: I don't like Batman. He's creepy. I like Superman.
Erik: Yeah, you would.... (sits down at the piano) I could play you something.
Christine: Awesome! Do you, like, know anything by Britany Spears?
Erik: (glowers at her) No!
Christine: Um, like, ok. How about, like, N*Sync? They're dreamy!
Erik: Tell ya what. I'll play something nice with some musical validity, and you shut your
trap and listen, mm-kay?
Christine: Uh! Like, don't use such big words! It, like, confuses me!
Erik: (muttering) I'll bet. (proceeds to play something similar to MOTN, but different
enough so that ALW won't flay my hide. He also sings with it. *drool*)
Christine: Ooooh.pwetty! (passes out in Erik's arms)
Erik: Well, this worked out nicely!
(the next morning)
Christine: (waking up) Oh, man.like, I REALLY need some Valume. (notices Erik
composing) Dude, it's that guy. Damn, he didn't tell me, like, who he was. An' I like,
promised myself that I wouldn't like, y'know, spend the night with any more strange men
when I, like, don't know who they are. Oh well. Better late than, like, never. (rips off his
mask) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Erik: God dammit! (hastily covers face) What in hell possessed you to do that? Aren't
you up on your mythology?
Christine: (stops screaming long enough to be confused) Like, huh?
Erik: You know..Psyche and Eros..Pandora's box..the woman who wanted to see
Zeus' true face and got burnt to a crisp..Is ANY of this ringing a bell? (Christine shakes her head stupidly. Erik smacks his head on the floor) All right, put the mask down and
nobody gets hurt!
Christine: Ew! Like, you look SO gross!
Erik: (sarcastically) Gee, I hadn't noticed. Now gimmie!
Christine: Ewewewewewewewewew! I can't believe I, like, thought about sleeping with
you!
Erik: So that's out of the question now, huh? Yeah, I kinda figured..
Christine: Can't you get some, like, cream or stuff to fix that?
Erik: Look! It's hard enough for me to deal with this without you freaking out on me, all
right? (giving her puppy eyes) I wish I could be handsome for you.I wish I could be
your perfect gentleman and everything you would want me to be.everything I could
never be for you.but all I can hope is that.that you're able to see past my appearance.
That you're not shallow and petty like everyone else. Please. I'm just a man, standing in
front of a girl, asking her to love him. (awww)
Christine: Like, fat chance, LOSER!
Erik: (looks hurt) Please..
Christine: (chucks the mask at him) Here's your stupid mask! Probably has, like, UGLY
cooties anyhow. (wipes hands off on dress)
Erik: (replacing the mask hastily) Come on. Someone's gonna think you got mugged if I
don't bring you back soon. (leads her off)
(later)
Raoul: Dude. Where's that little hottie Christine?
Christine: (popping up) I'm here!
Raoul: Yo baby, where you been? I been goin' crazy wit-out chew.
Christine: I still, like, don't understand you.but I'm sure that was, like, really sweet.
(cuddles with him)
Raoul: Oh yeah, dat biz'natch Carlotta was bitchin' about you. She done stole your part.
An' I got dis trippin' note from some brotha callin hisself "OG" Dawg.
Christine: Whoa, that is soooo weird. I, like, just came from his place!
Raoul: Well, I'm rorally gonna trash his azz when I find him. An' I'm gonna find him by
sittin' in his box. I'm gonna show that bi'otch who da man! WOO!
Christine: Um, like, whatever.
(at the performance)
Carlotta: (now a raving queen, and yes, I mean a man in drag) Oh gawd, I wish we were
doing Pajama Game! Oh well. Anywho, I'm just fabulous and you're not! Hahahahaha!
Erik: (from nowhere) You fuckers are the sorriest excuse for an opera company I've ever
seen. And what the HELL is that dumbass doing in my box?
Christine: (yelling at Erik, whom she can't see) Like, can't you leave me alone for like, 5
minutes? You have some MAJOR control issues!
Carlotta: Shut UUUP! I cannot work like this you skinny little bitch!
Erik: NOBODY calls MY girl a bitch, you bitch!
Carlotta: Hmph! See if I renew my contract! Anywho.I'm just fabul-woof! (blinks)
Ahem, I'm just fa-WOOF WOOF! (covers mouth)
Erik: And, by the way, FOP.I WANT MY SEAT!!!
Carlotta: Woof woof woof.oh shit! (runs off)
Christine: Well now what the hell am I supposed to do? (wanders off)
Manager 1: (skidding to a stop centre stage) Ummm. Technical difficulty. We're gonna
fix things.uh.in the meantime here's some mindless drivel-oh! I mean, here's a
totally boss dance mix. (runs off and the dancers run on and begin their set)
Erik: This seriously blows. (starts dropping lights and making shadows to screw up the
dancers. Finally a body falls from the rafters.)
Manager 2: Look! It's Jow Buquet! That fucked up stagehand who kept seeing
Phantoms!
Manager 1: He's dead!
Everyone 'cept Erik: OH CRAP! AAAAAAAAAHHH!
Christine: Like, OH! My God! Oh my GOD! Oh MY God!
Raoul: Yo! Lez get outta here!
Christine: Let's go to the roof and make out!
Raoul: K-diggity. (they run off)
Erik: Dammit.
(on the roof)
Raoul: So wassup chica?
Christine: Like, it was the Phantom! He messed up the show!
Raoul: Yo, sweety! There ain't no Phantom! You're on crack!
Christine: But I, like, SAW him! And was NASTY lookin'! (gets a ditzy little look on her
face) But, like, he was still, like, REALLY hot! And he's kinda cute.but not, like, cute-
cute.more like one of those really grody hairless rats.y'know, like, they're so god-
awful disgusting it's kinda cute 'cause they're like, so pathetic?
Raoul: That didn't EVEN make no sense!
Erik: (hiding behind statue) She digs me.
Christine: Like, what was that?
Raoul: Yo. I wanna be your man.
Christine: OK.
Raoul: Who's yo daddy?
Christine: Ummm..Daddy Daae?
Raoul: (slaps forehead) Um.no.I'M yo daddy.
Christine: Huh? That's like, so GROSS!
Raoul: No, no, no. PIMP daddy. You ma bitch.
Christine: I am, like, SO insulted!
Raoul: No, no, baby. That's a GOOD thing.
Christine: (Whining) Like, but I don't want to be a bitch!
Raoul: Nevermind. Jus' be ma lova.
Christine: Mm-k!
(they run off)
Erik: (emerging from behind the statue) I think I'm going to gag. After all I've DONE for
her! I need to smash something! (storms off)
Christine: (onstage) Like, OH MY GOD! THE CHANDELIER!
(CRASH)
Erik: I feel so much better!
(End Act 1)