ACT 2
(at the masquerade)
Manager 1: Wonder where that Phantom guy went.
Manager 2: Yeah, he hasn't been around lately.
Carlotta: Good riddance! Are my fishnets straight?
Manager 2: What a great New Year!
Carlotta: And I Just looooove that new chandelier!
Manager 1: Yup.
Raoul: Hey baby! What're yooooo doin'? (note: this last said a la beer commercial)
Christine: like, I dunno! (smiles blankly)
Raoul: C'mere. (kisses her. *gag*)
Christine: Like, I'm so happy we're engaged. And, like, I'm so glad you gave me this
huge chunk of ice! (fiddles with gaudy ring on her necklace)
Raoul: Honey, I got dab ling-bling. Boss threads sweety. Show off that sweet ghetto
booty! (breaks into a chorus of I Like Big Butts and break-dances until Christine smacks
him)
Christine: Like, I do NOT have a ghetto booty!
(Suddenly the Phantom appears dressed as the Red Death)
Carlotta: Oh my GAWD! I LOVE that outfit!
Erik: that's it, I'm burning this suit!
Carlotta: Well! (sticks nose in the air and walks off)
Erik: Hey you! Morons! (everyone looks at him) Wow, they can be taught! Anywho, I
wrote this opera! It's awesome! Now, do it or I'm gonna smite you or something! (tosses
the opera at the managers, then descends the stairs) What the hell is that? Christine, you
got some splainin' to do! (looks at the ring on Christine's necklace) You're MY girl! I
made you, I can break-his spine! (smacks Raoul, then disappears in a cool puff of
smoke)
Raoul: Ow.
Manager 2: OK, your entrance was good..His was better!
(After the masquerade Raoul is trying to find out what the smeg is going on. He finds
Mme Giry to ask her about it, 'cause she's old and she knows everything.)
Giry: So you want to know 'bout the ghost? Stand up straight! Chillins today!
Raoul: Yeah, I needz to know 'bout dis Phantom brotha. He messin' wit ma WOman. I
oughtta smack him up old school!
Giry: (hits Raoul over the head with her stick) Speak proper young'un! Can't unnerstand
a damn word! Reckon yer not too old to be taken 'cross my knee! (waves stick
menacingly)
Raoul: (scared) Word.
Giry: Anyhow.the Opera Ghost..Yes, I seem to recall. It was waay back. My mama
had taken me to the province fair. There were all sorts of wonderful acts and sweets. That
was back when young people appreciated things! And we had to work hard to go to that
carny. Yessir! And a peppermint stick would cost a centime! Those were the days! It
was-
Raoul: Umm, could we hit this on the fast side? I gots me a hookup tonite!
Giry: (hits him with stick again) Don't speak lessen yer spoken to! Now, where was I?
Oh yes. The fair. Anyhow, I saw this kid in a cage. 'Course this wasn't all that unusual
because back in MY day when you were naughty ya got whupped. An' we dada walk 10
kilometers barefoot in the snow to school! But this young'un, he were different. He
looked like a pole cat'd scraped him upside the face with a brance from a ugly tree! But
he were an industrious lil feller. Built a lotta stuff. Damn fine composer too! But a mite
mischievious, seein' as how the man in charge of him kep' whuppin' on him.
Raoul: So, OG Dawg be dat young'un..I mean, dat brat?
Giry: Reckon so. But I wouldn't be sayin' too much iffin I was you. Bad things'll
happen.
Raoul: Riiiiight.
(the managers office. Everyone is inside yapping about Erik's score, Don Juan
Triumphant. After a bit Christine and Raoul join the festivities.)
Carlotta: You skanky little ho! The lead shoulda been MINE! Even though I think this
whole thing is stupid and a waste of time!
Christine: Like, I don't want the stupid part! I just, like, wanna go shopping!
Raoul: Dude! Check it! I got me a killer plan!
Manager 2: Really?
Manager 1: Do tell. Oh. Please.
Raoul: Here's da lowdown. If Christine sings, OG Dawf is a definite show! We get a
bunch o' rent-a-cops on hand and when he show his ugly mug, BOOM! We pop a cap in
him! I pity da foo' dat mess wit me!
Manager 1: Whatever.
Manager 2: Damn straight!
Giry: You fucking ijits.
Christine: Um, like, isn't everone forgetting, like, this teensy-tiny detail?
Manager 2: Wazzat?
Christine: ME!
Raoul: Huh?
Christine: Like, I SO do NOT want to do this! Your plan, like, sucks! The Phantom will,
like, y'know, GET ME!
Raoul: Yo, babe. Dis plan be fool proof. An' yo shuga-daddy be right there for ya, babe.
Watch m'now!
Christine: Like, oh GOD. I am so TOTALLY conflicted! Like, Erik taught me, like,
EVERYTHING. Like, but YOU'RE really hot, Raoul! Dammit! I feel like I'm on a soap
opera! (runs off)
Raoul: Yo! Phantom! I'm gonna give you da smackdown!
(Christine visits her father's grave in hopes of receiving guidance as to what she should
do)
Christine: Like, Daddy? I, like, miss you SOOO much! But, like, I gotta move on now.
This dwelling thing is, like, SO unhealthy!
Erik: Hey, Christine! Up here! (appears from behind cross)
Christine: Like, Angel?
Erik: It's me! Come on, this place is depressing. I have cheesecake and Haggendaas back
at the lair!
Christine: Oh man! Like, is it Rocky Road?
Erik: Yup. And I have Julia Roberts movies. I thought we could watch them together.
Raoul: (hiding behind headstone) He's trying to bribe her with comfort food and chick
flicks!
Erik: All is forgiven. Let me take care of you.
Christine: Like, I was SO stupid to EVER turn my back on you!
Raoul: Aw hell! Yo, Christine! You trippin'? Dis is da bad guy! Who's yo daddy? He
ain't yo daddy!
Erik: Come to me, Christine. I'm a good cook, and I have a 5 figure monthly salary!
(throws those spiffy fireballs at Raoul's head as he entices Christine towards him)
Raoul: Yo, ya fucker! Whaddaya think you doin'? C'mon Christine! (grabs her and runs
off)
Erik: Now ya gone and done it! Now I'm REALLY CHEESED OFF!
(Don Juan, opening night. Foppy McFopfop a.k.a. Raoul is in Box 5 [some people never
learn], and the house is crawling with fat, balding, rent-a-cops)
Fat tenor: (as Don Juan) I'm gonna get some! Oh yeah, baby! (Turns to Passarino) Hey,
here's my threads. You know the plan. I'd repeat it, but I don't understand it, personally.
Christine: (as Aminta) Like, I think this guy's a gentleman. But, just in case, I have mace
in my purse!
Fat tenor: (quickly hiding behind curtain) Yo, dude. Get lost! The chick's here! ACK!
(dies and Erik takes his place)
Erik: (Emerging from behind the curtain in the tenor's costume. Which, incidentally,
looks a helluva lot better on Erik, even though all you can see is a big hooded cloak)
Welcome to the Love Shack, sweet thing! Don't deny what your inner self is telling you.
And I know it's saying, "Go for it! Forget the fop!" You can't leave anyhow. The door's
locked.
Christine: (not even noticing that the acting/singing quality of her co- star has improved
by a million times) You're like so hot. I can't tell you how often I've fantasized about
this! Let's make out! What else is there to do? I can't leave anyhow, the door is locked.
(During this very touching and beautiful song, Erik starts to get a leeetle too intense.
Also, Christine, in trying to feel him up, notices he has a mask on under the costume [she
got lost OK? It's Christine] although it takes her a little while she eventually makes the
connection and exposes him as the Phantom. [although just plain exposing him would
have been much more fun])
Erik: Yeah, this plan blew goats for beer money. But it's still not half as stupid as your
boyfriend's. (makes puppy eyes) I'm really sorry I've been so clingy. It's just hard for
me. A guy can only play so many games of solitare! Anyhow, it seemed like a good idea
until I sobered up just now. (produces a plain, but elegant ring and approaches Christine)
Oh, my love, my darlin' I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time..(breaks into
song) And tiiiiime go-ooes by-ie, so slo-o-owly! And time can do so-o much, a-are yo-ou
still miiiiiine? (Christine, who is a ditz, pulls off Erik's mask, exposing his face to the
whole theatre. And for those of you taking bets, the song was Unchained Melody)
Raoul: (who is slower than the average bear) Dude! It's the Phantom! Ice him!
Erik: (seeing all the rent-a-cops waddling towards him) This is the best you could do?!
(looks up at Raoul incredulously) You are SO pathetic! (grabs Christine and casually
walks offstage)
(Backstage we see everyone having a panic attack about the dead tenor and all the other
stuff going on. Raoul finds Mme Giry)
Raoul: Yo! Yo! He got Christine! Dat prick got ma bitch!
Giry: Language! (hits him)
Raoul: OW! Don't just hit me, help!
Giry: Welp, I ken getcha down to his lair. But remember, yer hand at the level of your
eyes! (puts hand up)
Raoul: You gotta be shittin' me!
Giry: Language! (hits him again)
Raoul: OW! All right! All right! Yo, lez make like terrorists and blow dis place!
(Meanwhile down in the lair. Erik has gotten Christine into a wedding dress. We will
pretend this happened by magic because I really don't want to imply anything happened
while they were in the boat. Considering she started the trip down to the lair in a different
dress and I'm pretty sure there weren't any changing rooms on the way down. Nope, I'm
not implying anything. Not at all.)
Erik: (tapping foot and glaring up at the author) Are you quite done yet? (Yes, yes I am.
Carry on.) Thank you. Where was I? Oh yes. (turns to Christine) Sometimes I think
you're too stupid to BREATHE! I'm going to keep you down here with me so you don't
hurt yourself with something complicated, like a TAPE DISPENSER. Besides, I'm sick
of sitting down here all by myself watching reruns of Seinfeld! It could drive a person
crazy I tell you! 'Specially that Kramer guy..(loses focus and starts to wander off on a
small tangent)
Christine: Like, you jerk! I like, LIKED you! Then you pull a stunt like this! I'm mean,
killing people is so icky!
Erik: Well kiss my deformed Phantom ass! I don't care!
Christine: I'm going to hold my breath until you take me back!
Erik: (slaps forehead) Explain to me again why I like this twit? (she scoops up a deep
breath and her chest rises slightly) Oh yeah..
Christine: (turns slightly blue then lets out breath and gasps for air) Whoa. I like, feel
sooo dizzy!
(Meanwhile, an Angry Mob has gotten together and is bumbling it's way down after
Raoul and Giry)
Giry: My arthritis is kickin' in. You're on yer own kiddo. (leaves)
Raoul: (peers down into the lake) Eeeew. I've seen port-a-potties cleaner than that!
(jumps in anyhow and starts swimming) Oh God..that was slimey AND moving!
(back in the lair)
Erik: (hearing Raoul complaining about the water) I think your little foppy- poo is here.
Christine: Huh?
Raoul: (pressing himself against the grate) Yo! Let me in!
Erik: I suppose you've come for Christine?
Raoul: No dude. I come for a TOWEL! The lake be nappy!
Christine: Like, Raoul!
Raoul: Oh, hi baby! OPEN UP! (pounds on grate)
Erik: La la la! I'm not listening ! (puts fingers in ears)
Christine: like, forget it Raoul. He's got more issues than the Osborn family.
Raoul: Yo! Babydoll! I needs you! You ma woman! An' you so FINE, I gots to show you
off to all my hommies back in da 'hood! I needz ya ta be ma bitch!
Erik: Are you listening to yourself? Do you have any IDEA how idiotic and egocentric
you sound? What lady in her right mind would-
Christine: Like, I really wanna be with you too, Raoul!
Erik: (jaw hits the ground) WHAT?! OK, that's IT Raoulykins, kiss your ass goodbye!
(opens grate. Christine rushes to Raoul and hugs him)
Christine: (pushing away from Raoul) Like, gag! You smell like ass!
Raoul: Yo, ya eva think 'bout gettin' a filter for that skeezy-azz lake?
Erik: Hey fop! You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Raoul: Huh?
Erik: (shrugs) Saw it in a movie once. (slips the Punjab lasso around Raoul's neck)
Raoul: (feeling the noose tighten around his neck) AGH!
GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!
Erik: (grabbing Christine) This guy is a LOSER! Stick with me! If you like his head
attached to his shoulders you'll stay down here! 'Cause if you leave I'm gonna smash
him like a bug just to keep his grimy mitts off you!
Christine: You are, like, so TOTALLY psycho! I hate you!
Raoul: Aw DUDE! I really fucked up, didn't I?
Christine: Yeah, yeah you did.
Erik: (setting egg timer) You have two minutes. I'm a busy Phantom. I do have other
things to do tonight, you know.
Christine: I am, like, SO upset! YOU JERK!
(long awkward silence)
Erik: (DING) Time's up. Well?
Christine: You're so pathetic..it's almost sexy! (kisses Erik, much to his, and Raoul's
surprise)
Raoul: Yeah, babe. That's great. That's enough..um.I think he gets the message.you
can stop now..Hey! Don't put your hand there!
Erik: Whoa..That was.wow.(blinks and glances over at Raoul who is slowly
choking to death. Christine looks at Erik pleadingly) Allright, FINE! (cuts Raoul down,
then punches him in the stomach) Get the hell outta my lair.
Angry Mob: (approaching the lair) Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Christine: Like, let's go! This guy seriously needs some Prozac or Riddlin or something!
(helps Raoul up)
Erik: Hurry up and beat it or they'll find you! Just forget about me!...like everyone else
does..go away....(shoos them out of his lair, then sits down on the floor and cries.
Poor baby) Well this has been a shitty day.
Christine: (returns and gives back his ring) Um.like, gold really isn't my
colour..(starts to walk away)
Erik: Christine! (stops her) I-I love you..
(Christine walks off and immediately starts ragging Raoul about how he NEVER tells her
that HE loves her. And he needs a haircut. And take off that silly-ass hat! And find some
clothes that FIT!)
Angry Mob: We're here!
Erik: (flatly) Nobody's home.
Angry Mob: Oh. Right then. Let's all go get drunk. (all leave)
Erik: The people around here are all idiots. I really need to move. (walks off, chucking
his mask behind him in frustration. As he wanders off he whistles Always Look on the
Bright Side of Life. END)
(at the masquerade)
Manager 1: Wonder where that Phantom guy went.
Manager 2: Yeah, he hasn't been around lately.
Carlotta: Good riddance! Are my fishnets straight?
Manager 2: What a great New Year!
Carlotta: And I Just looooove that new chandelier!
Manager 1: Yup.
Raoul: Hey baby! What're yooooo doin'? (note: this last said a la beer commercial)
Christine: like, I dunno! (smiles blankly)
Raoul: C'mere. (kisses her. *gag*)
Christine: Like, I'm so happy we're engaged. And, like, I'm so glad you gave me this
huge chunk of ice! (fiddles with gaudy ring on her necklace)
Raoul: Honey, I got dab ling-bling. Boss threads sweety. Show off that sweet ghetto
booty! (breaks into a chorus of I Like Big Butts and break-dances until Christine smacks
him)
Christine: Like, I do NOT have a ghetto booty!
(Suddenly the Phantom appears dressed as the Red Death)
Carlotta: Oh my GAWD! I LOVE that outfit!
Erik: that's it, I'm burning this suit!
Carlotta: Well! (sticks nose in the air and walks off)
Erik: Hey you! Morons! (everyone looks at him) Wow, they can be taught! Anywho, I
wrote this opera! It's awesome! Now, do it or I'm gonna smite you or something! (tosses
the opera at the managers, then descends the stairs) What the hell is that? Christine, you
got some splainin' to do! (looks at the ring on Christine's necklace) You're MY girl! I
made you, I can break-his spine! (smacks Raoul, then disappears in a cool puff of
smoke)
Raoul: Ow.
Manager 2: OK, your entrance was good..His was better!
(After the masquerade Raoul is trying to find out what the smeg is going on. He finds
Mme Giry to ask her about it, 'cause she's old and she knows everything.)
Giry: So you want to know 'bout the ghost? Stand up straight! Chillins today!
Raoul: Yeah, I needz to know 'bout dis Phantom brotha. He messin' wit ma WOman. I
oughtta smack him up old school!
Giry: (hits Raoul over the head with her stick) Speak proper young'un! Can't unnerstand
a damn word! Reckon yer not too old to be taken 'cross my knee! (waves stick
menacingly)
Raoul: (scared) Word.
Giry: Anyhow.the Opera Ghost..Yes, I seem to recall. It was waay back. My mama
had taken me to the province fair. There were all sorts of wonderful acts and sweets. That
was back when young people appreciated things! And we had to work hard to go to that
carny. Yessir! And a peppermint stick would cost a centime! Those were the days! It
was-
Raoul: Umm, could we hit this on the fast side? I gots me a hookup tonite!
Giry: (hits him with stick again) Don't speak lessen yer spoken to! Now, where was I?
Oh yes. The fair. Anyhow, I saw this kid in a cage. 'Course this wasn't all that unusual
because back in MY day when you were naughty ya got whupped. An' we dada walk 10
kilometers barefoot in the snow to school! But this young'un, he were different. He
looked like a pole cat'd scraped him upside the face with a brance from a ugly tree! But
he were an industrious lil feller. Built a lotta stuff. Damn fine composer too! But a mite
mischievious, seein' as how the man in charge of him kep' whuppin' on him.
Raoul: So, OG Dawg be dat young'un..I mean, dat brat?
Giry: Reckon so. But I wouldn't be sayin' too much iffin I was you. Bad things'll
happen.
Raoul: Riiiiight.
(the managers office. Everyone is inside yapping about Erik's score, Don Juan
Triumphant. After a bit Christine and Raoul join the festivities.)
Carlotta: You skanky little ho! The lead shoulda been MINE! Even though I think this
whole thing is stupid and a waste of time!
Christine: Like, I don't want the stupid part! I just, like, wanna go shopping!
Raoul: Dude! Check it! I got me a killer plan!
Manager 2: Really?
Manager 1: Do tell. Oh. Please.
Raoul: Here's da lowdown. If Christine sings, OG Dawf is a definite show! We get a
bunch o' rent-a-cops on hand and when he show his ugly mug, BOOM! We pop a cap in
him! I pity da foo' dat mess wit me!
Manager 1: Whatever.
Manager 2: Damn straight!
Giry: You fucking ijits.
Christine: Um, like, isn't everone forgetting, like, this teensy-tiny detail?
Manager 2: Wazzat?
Christine: ME!
Raoul: Huh?
Christine: Like, I SO do NOT want to do this! Your plan, like, sucks! The Phantom will,
like, y'know, GET ME!
Raoul: Yo, babe. Dis plan be fool proof. An' yo shuga-daddy be right there for ya, babe.
Watch m'now!
Christine: Like, oh GOD. I am so TOTALLY conflicted! Like, Erik taught me, like,
EVERYTHING. Like, but YOU'RE really hot, Raoul! Dammit! I feel like I'm on a soap
opera! (runs off)
Raoul: Yo! Phantom! I'm gonna give you da smackdown!
(Christine visits her father's grave in hopes of receiving guidance as to what she should
do)
Christine: Like, Daddy? I, like, miss you SOOO much! But, like, I gotta move on now.
This dwelling thing is, like, SO unhealthy!
Erik: Hey, Christine! Up here! (appears from behind cross)
Christine: Like, Angel?
Erik: It's me! Come on, this place is depressing. I have cheesecake and Haggendaas back
at the lair!
Christine: Oh man! Like, is it Rocky Road?
Erik: Yup. And I have Julia Roberts movies. I thought we could watch them together.
Raoul: (hiding behind headstone) He's trying to bribe her with comfort food and chick
flicks!
Erik: All is forgiven. Let me take care of you.
Christine: Like, I was SO stupid to EVER turn my back on you!
Raoul: Aw hell! Yo, Christine! You trippin'? Dis is da bad guy! Who's yo daddy? He
ain't yo daddy!
Erik: Come to me, Christine. I'm a good cook, and I have a 5 figure monthly salary!
(throws those spiffy fireballs at Raoul's head as he entices Christine towards him)
Raoul: Yo, ya fucker! Whaddaya think you doin'? C'mon Christine! (grabs her and runs
off)
Erik: Now ya gone and done it! Now I'm REALLY CHEESED OFF!
(Don Juan, opening night. Foppy McFopfop a.k.a. Raoul is in Box 5 [some people never
learn], and the house is crawling with fat, balding, rent-a-cops)
Fat tenor: (as Don Juan) I'm gonna get some! Oh yeah, baby! (Turns to Passarino) Hey,
here's my threads. You know the plan. I'd repeat it, but I don't understand it, personally.
Christine: (as Aminta) Like, I think this guy's a gentleman. But, just in case, I have mace
in my purse!
Fat tenor: (quickly hiding behind curtain) Yo, dude. Get lost! The chick's here! ACK!
(dies and Erik takes his place)
Erik: (Emerging from behind the curtain in the tenor's costume. Which, incidentally,
looks a helluva lot better on Erik, even though all you can see is a big hooded cloak)
Welcome to the Love Shack, sweet thing! Don't deny what your inner self is telling you.
And I know it's saying, "Go for it! Forget the fop!" You can't leave anyhow. The door's
locked.
Christine: (not even noticing that the acting/singing quality of her co- star has improved
by a million times) You're like so hot. I can't tell you how often I've fantasized about
this! Let's make out! What else is there to do? I can't leave anyhow, the door is locked.
(During this very touching and beautiful song, Erik starts to get a leeetle too intense.
Also, Christine, in trying to feel him up, notices he has a mask on under the costume [she
got lost OK? It's Christine] although it takes her a little while she eventually makes the
connection and exposes him as the Phantom. [although just plain exposing him would
have been much more fun])
Erik: Yeah, this plan blew goats for beer money. But it's still not half as stupid as your
boyfriend's. (makes puppy eyes) I'm really sorry I've been so clingy. It's just hard for
me. A guy can only play so many games of solitare! Anyhow, it seemed like a good idea
until I sobered up just now. (produces a plain, but elegant ring and approaches Christine)
Oh, my love, my darlin' I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time..(breaks into
song) And tiiiiime go-ooes by-ie, so slo-o-owly! And time can do so-o much, a-are yo-ou
still miiiiiine? (Christine, who is a ditz, pulls off Erik's mask, exposing his face to the
whole theatre. And for those of you taking bets, the song was Unchained Melody)
Raoul: (who is slower than the average bear) Dude! It's the Phantom! Ice him!
Erik: (seeing all the rent-a-cops waddling towards him) This is the best you could do?!
(looks up at Raoul incredulously) You are SO pathetic! (grabs Christine and casually
walks offstage)
(Backstage we see everyone having a panic attack about the dead tenor and all the other
stuff going on. Raoul finds Mme Giry)
Raoul: Yo! Yo! He got Christine! Dat prick got ma bitch!
Giry: Language! (hits him)
Raoul: OW! Don't just hit me, help!
Giry: Welp, I ken getcha down to his lair. But remember, yer hand at the level of your
eyes! (puts hand up)
Raoul: You gotta be shittin' me!
Giry: Language! (hits him again)
Raoul: OW! All right! All right! Yo, lez make like terrorists and blow dis place!
(Meanwhile down in the lair. Erik has gotten Christine into a wedding dress. We will
pretend this happened by magic because I really don't want to imply anything happened
while they were in the boat. Considering she started the trip down to the lair in a different
dress and I'm pretty sure there weren't any changing rooms on the way down. Nope, I'm
not implying anything. Not at all.)
Erik: (tapping foot and glaring up at the author) Are you quite done yet? (Yes, yes I am.
Carry on.) Thank you. Where was I? Oh yes. (turns to Christine) Sometimes I think
you're too stupid to BREATHE! I'm going to keep you down here with me so you don't
hurt yourself with something complicated, like a TAPE DISPENSER. Besides, I'm sick
of sitting down here all by myself watching reruns of Seinfeld! It could drive a person
crazy I tell you! 'Specially that Kramer guy..(loses focus and starts to wander off on a
small tangent)
Christine: Like, you jerk! I like, LIKED you! Then you pull a stunt like this! I'm mean,
killing people is so icky!
Erik: Well kiss my deformed Phantom ass! I don't care!
Christine: I'm going to hold my breath until you take me back!
Erik: (slaps forehead) Explain to me again why I like this twit? (she scoops up a deep
breath and her chest rises slightly) Oh yeah..
Christine: (turns slightly blue then lets out breath and gasps for air) Whoa. I like, feel
sooo dizzy!
(Meanwhile, an Angry Mob has gotten together and is bumbling it's way down after
Raoul and Giry)
Giry: My arthritis is kickin' in. You're on yer own kiddo. (leaves)
Raoul: (peers down into the lake) Eeeew. I've seen port-a-potties cleaner than that!
(jumps in anyhow and starts swimming) Oh God..that was slimey AND moving!
(back in the lair)
Erik: (hearing Raoul complaining about the water) I think your little foppy- poo is here.
Christine: Huh?
Raoul: (pressing himself against the grate) Yo! Let me in!
Erik: I suppose you've come for Christine?
Raoul: No dude. I come for a TOWEL! The lake be nappy!
Christine: Like, Raoul!
Raoul: Oh, hi baby! OPEN UP! (pounds on grate)
Erik: La la la! I'm not listening ! (puts fingers in ears)
Christine: like, forget it Raoul. He's got more issues than the Osborn family.
Raoul: Yo! Babydoll! I needs you! You ma woman! An' you so FINE, I gots to show you
off to all my hommies back in da 'hood! I needz ya ta be ma bitch!
Erik: Are you listening to yourself? Do you have any IDEA how idiotic and egocentric
you sound? What lady in her right mind would-
Christine: Like, I really wanna be with you too, Raoul!
Erik: (jaw hits the ground) WHAT?! OK, that's IT Raoulykins, kiss your ass goodbye!
(opens grate. Christine rushes to Raoul and hugs him)
Christine: (pushing away from Raoul) Like, gag! You smell like ass!
Raoul: Yo, ya eva think 'bout gettin' a filter for that skeezy-azz lake?
Erik: Hey fop! You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Raoul: Huh?
Erik: (shrugs) Saw it in a movie once. (slips the Punjab lasso around Raoul's neck)
Raoul: (feeling the noose tighten around his neck) AGH!
GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!
Erik: (grabbing Christine) This guy is a LOSER! Stick with me! If you like his head
attached to his shoulders you'll stay down here! 'Cause if you leave I'm gonna smash
him like a bug just to keep his grimy mitts off you!
Christine: You are, like, so TOTALLY psycho! I hate you!
Raoul: Aw DUDE! I really fucked up, didn't I?
Christine: Yeah, yeah you did.
Erik: (setting egg timer) You have two minutes. I'm a busy Phantom. I do have other
things to do tonight, you know.
Christine: I am, like, SO upset! YOU JERK!
(long awkward silence)
Erik: (DING) Time's up. Well?
Christine: You're so pathetic..it's almost sexy! (kisses Erik, much to his, and Raoul's
surprise)
Raoul: Yeah, babe. That's great. That's enough..um.I think he gets the message.you
can stop now..Hey! Don't put your hand there!
Erik: Whoa..That was.wow.(blinks and glances over at Raoul who is slowly
choking to death. Christine looks at Erik pleadingly) Allright, FINE! (cuts Raoul down,
then punches him in the stomach) Get the hell outta my lair.
Angry Mob: (approaching the lair) Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Christine: Like, let's go! This guy seriously needs some Prozac or Riddlin or something!
(helps Raoul up)
Erik: Hurry up and beat it or they'll find you! Just forget about me!...like everyone else
does..go away....(shoos them out of his lair, then sits down on the floor and cries.
Poor baby) Well this has been a shitty day.
Christine: (returns and gives back his ring) Um.like, gold really isn't my
colour..(starts to walk away)
Erik: Christine! (stops her) I-I love you..
(Christine walks off and immediately starts ragging Raoul about how he NEVER tells her
that HE loves her. And he needs a haircut. And take off that silly-ass hat! And find some
clothes that FIT!)
Angry Mob: We're here!
Erik: (flatly) Nobody's home.
Angry Mob: Oh. Right then. Let's all go get drunk. (all leave)
Erik: The people around here are all idiots. I really need to move. (walks off, chucking
his mask behind him in frustration. As he wanders off he whistles Always Look on the
Bright Side of Life. END)