Disclaimer: I don't own the WWE, I'm not affiliated with them, and all I
own is this name. I am not affiliated with Harvard University either,
though I wish I was. Then it would be easy for me to get in when the time
comes...
Yes, I know, Austin beat Debra and stuff...but it wasn't the CHARACTER of Stone Cold Steve Austin abusing the character of Debra. It was the real people, and therefore, I think its ok to use the persona of Austin...I dunno. I'm not here to criticize the actions of the real people playing these characters. I don't live in the real world. :)
[Debra and Austin are kicked out of Kylrane's house. You can see Debra carrying a platter of cookies, and Austin is just running, trying not to get hit. Unidentified objects are seen flying out of the upstairs window.]
Kylrane: [throwing cookies at Austin] GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU DAMN DRUNK!! YOU CAN'T SING!!!!
[Kylrane's friends Rei-chan and Panda are tossing cookies out of the window too. Rei-chan and Panda aren't real author names, but they are writer friends of mine that make up names I can never remember...]
Panda: Remember when we used to do this to a certain lame ass math teacher that needs to remain nameless or else we'll be in deep shit??
Rei-chan: Well, no duh we remember. The cookie wars were in our yearbook as one of the memorable moments. We're traumatized for life because of him. That's why some kids didn't get into the high schools they applied for. Well, I took that supplementary class so I didn't go dumb, so I got in but...
Kylrane: Do you realize there are no adults in the house?
Panda and Rei-chan: ALRIGHT!!! PARTY!!!
Kylrane: That's not exactly what I was leading to...
[Back to the office where Kylrane's dad is under a mountain of papers. Vince is sitting there in his desk, ranting and raving.]
Vince: DAMN THAT ASSHOLE HOGAN!! HE HAD NO RIGHT TO LAY HIS HANDS ON THE CHAIRMAN OF THE WWE!! I'M HIS BOSS, DAMNIT, I WANT SOME FUCKING RESPECT!!!
Kylrane's dad: Uh-huh [moving under the papers]
Vince: Why is it that no one is doing their jobs correctly?? Stephanie has to bring back that old bag Hogan, and Bischoff does the dumbest thing I can think of! Doesn't he know Austin will NEVER EVER accept that offer?? I told him he's not welcome back, that's the bottomline!! You don't defy the boss!!!
Kylrane's dad: Uh-huh...[A cell phone rings. Both men check theirs. It's Kylrane's dad who's receiving the call.] Hello?
Caller: [in a scared voice] Daddy??
Kylrane's dad: Oh, hi! What's up? Who's watching you?
Kylrane: [still scared] Uh...no one. Panda and Rei are here, and they're SINGING KARAOKE!!! NO!!!
Voice in background: [barely audible] Hey, Kylrane, can we make an ice skating rink in your backyard? If we turn on your hoses, the water that comes out will freeze!!!
Kylrane: NO PANDA!!! [realizing she's still on the phone] Daddy, can you send an adult over puh-leaze??? I can't believe I want adult supervision, but I'm stuck here with two nutcases!!
Kylrane's dad: Of course, I'll make sure Mr. McMahon adheres to our deal. Bye.
Kylrane: HURRY!!! THEY FOUND THE SHAVING CREAM!!! [click]
Kylrane's dad: [turns to Vince, fuming] You left my daughter ALONE AND DEFENSELESS???
Vince: I'm too damn busy whining in capitial letters about Hogan!!! [gets a glare] Ok, Ok!! I'll send someone...ah-hah! I'll send Christopher Nowinski, the WWE's only Harvard graduate! He'll teach your kid so much stuff.
Kylrane's dad: I want two more people to go with that boring asshole. Don't you remember his obsession with getting into Molly Holly's pants? I don't want him alone with my kid.
Vince: [opens his laptop] Ok, then, I'll just choose two other people randomly. I'll just enter the birthday, age, gender, and favorite color of the person, and it can give me the female and male that would be most compatible with them...[gets a weird look from Kylrane's dad] YES, IT IS THE LOVE MATCH MACHINE, BUT WITH WWE WRESTLERS PROGRAMMED INTO THE DATABASE!! Just give me the information...
Kylrane's dad: Well, ok...4/27, age 14, obviously a girl, and uh...um...I'm not sure about her favorite color.
Vince: Just a guess!!
Kylrane's dad: Um...uh...green?
Vince: Ok...[presses the 'find your matches!' button] Well...I hope your daughter has a lot of patience. The matches are Jeff Hardy and Dawn Marie.
Kylrane's dad: Just great. The crazy guy who jumps off stuff and a slut. Perfect role models.
Vince: I'll send them straight away....
[At Kylrane's house, our victim is hiding behind the couch. Rei and Panda have resorted to throwing cookies again for kicks. There are crumbs all over the place.]
Kylrane: [feels her cell phone vibrating] Hello? Dad...uh...it's red, why? No, don't say nothing, tell me why?? You thought it was green?? But, what does it...[doorbell rings] The wrestlers are here, I guess. Bye. [gets up, and a cookie hits her forehead.] DAMNIT, QUIT IT!!!!
Panda and Rei-chan: [they stare, look around, and suddenly become conscious of what they've done] Sorry. Got hyper...[They grab their stuff and run out the door.]
Kylrane: [stares at the people on her front steps] Why three? Scratch that...why me??
Christopher Nowinski: [steps inside, and looks around. He's got a really smug look on his face. He seems to be appalled by the house.] What a pig stye!!
Kylrane: Hey, you ass, it's my friends' fault that there are cookies all over the place! And who the hell do you think you are, coming into my house and criticizing it??
Jeff Hardy: Duh, he's Harvard Boy Christopher Nowinski.
Kylrane: Oh yeah. Argh, why me?? [flops onto the couch, head in her arms]
Dawn Marie: Hey, girlie, you wouldn't have any grandfathers I could seduce, would you??
Kylrane: .........[still face down]...No.
[The three guests come into the house. Dawn Marie sits down, and opens up her blouse. Nowinski is still making that face, and Jeff's poking Kylrane's head.]
Jeff: Are you dead??
Kylrane: [looks up] Are you stupid?? No, don't you answer that question. [Spots Dawn Marie] AW, SHIT, DON'T DO THAT!!! Be decent!!
Dawn Marie: Dear child, it's only the human body. I'm proud of my body!
Kylrane: I don't care, you're in my house! Cover up! [Dawn Marie reluctantly buttons up. Jeff was gawking, and is now disappointed.]
Nowinski: Where's the remote, you little brat, I wanna watch some CNN. You know, my educated brain must be stimulated.
Kylrane: I'M NOT LITTLE!!!!
Jeff: Are you frustrated? I'm frustrated! I'm so frustrated I might...do...something... [He has a crazed look in his eye. Kylrane hops behind the couch in fear.] Oh, no, nevermind. [Goes back to normal.]
Dawn Marie: I have an idea, how about I give you a makeover? We can go shopping and pick up some cute little outfits! Your shirts aren't sexy enough, girl!
Kylrane: [looks at her clothes] Oh hell no. Do you think I'd wear the shit you wear?? I don't even wear skirts and dresses except my uniform! The only dress I've got is for Christmas and Easter and other special occasions. I'm not like your normal 'I'm a popular teenybopper and I can't wait to go to the prom!' kind of girl!
Jeff: It's ok to be different. I'm different, and look where that's got me!
Nowinski: Yeah, Hardy. It's gotten you no title shots, no wins, and no girlfriend. Plus, that face paint makes you look like a cave man ready for war.
Jeff: OH YEAH?? If you're such a smart ass from Harvard, how come you couldn't win the contracts from Tough Enough?
Nowinski: Simple. It was favoritism among the trainers.
Kylrane: Shutup the both of you. If you graduated from such a prestigious school, why are you in the wrestling business?? Surely if your resume says that you're a Harvard graduate, you'd be fought over by employers around the country. And Jeff, why do you get so emotional in matches?? You never ever win stuff because you get too wrapped up in the match, in impressing the fans, and in trying to out do yourself.
[Both Jeff and Christopher are quiet. Dawn Marie gets up.]
Dawn Marie: Are we going to the mall??
Kylrane: NO! ARGH! [to Jeff and Nowinski] See, if you just used what's up here, [taps her head] maybe you wouldn't be randomly placed in matches that just fill up time.
Nowinski: You're just a kid. What would you know about wrestling?
Kylrane: Maybe I don't know much about wrestling, but I am a stranger to failure. Unlike you two.
Jeff: Ouch.
Dawn Marie: I DEMAND THAT WE GO TO THE MALL!!!
Nowinski: Hey kid, why don't you arm wrestle Dawn Marie to see if you go to the mall? Then we'll know if you're a stranger to failure.
Kylrane: [looks at Dawn Marie's scrawny arm] BWAHAHAHA! You think she'd kick my ass? No way! I kill all the girls at arm wrestling, and I almost beat a guy friend of mine once.
Jeff: Just do it. I want to see this.
Dawn Marie: [afraid of hurting her arm] Why don't Chris and Jeff arm wrestle to decide what to do? I'll get Chris, you get Jeff!
Jeff: Why do I get her?
Kylrane: [stares at Jeff intimidatingly] Are you trying to hint at something? Because I wouldn't be surprised at all if you lost this. I will so hurt you if you lose.
Jeff: [gulps] Yes ma'am. [Christoper and Jeff put their elbows on the dining table. They lock hands. Christopher sticks his tongue out at Jeff, and Jeff kicks him under the table.]
Dawn Marie: Ok. Start on three. 1...2...3...
Jeff: AUGH!! [Christoper started on two. Jeff's hand hits the table.]
Dawn Marie: YES! [Hugs Christoper, who suddenly has a goofy grin on his face. Kylrane is crying.]
Kylrane: NOOO!!! I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL WITH DAWN MARIE!!!!!
Jeff: [pounding his fist into the wall] Damnit! I lost again!!! I'm Xtreme, I'm not supposed to lose!!!!
[Kylrane is carried out of the house by Nowinski, kicking and screaming. Dawn Marie is smiling and hiking her skirt up. Jeff's head is hung, flinching at Kylrane's shrieks.]
Kylrane: SAVE ME!! SAVE ME!! I DON'T WANNA GO!!! WAHHHH!!!
Ok...sorry if that was a little weird. It's not that I totally hate the mall, but just imagine getting a makeover with Dawn Marie supervising. Little old me doesn't like to show off her skin, mind you. Dawn Marie shows off everything. Sorry if Jeff's a little weird, he practically has no character on Raw. He's just the Xtreme guy. Nowinski, however, was easy for me to play with. Tee hee. And if you want to know, I really would like to go to Harvard.
Yes, I know, Austin beat Debra and stuff...but it wasn't the CHARACTER of Stone Cold Steve Austin abusing the character of Debra. It was the real people, and therefore, I think its ok to use the persona of Austin...I dunno. I'm not here to criticize the actions of the real people playing these characters. I don't live in the real world. :)
[Debra and Austin are kicked out of Kylrane's house. You can see Debra carrying a platter of cookies, and Austin is just running, trying not to get hit. Unidentified objects are seen flying out of the upstairs window.]
Kylrane: [throwing cookies at Austin] GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU DAMN DRUNK!! YOU CAN'T SING!!!!
[Kylrane's friends Rei-chan and Panda are tossing cookies out of the window too. Rei-chan and Panda aren't real author names, but they are writer friends of mine that make up names I can never remember...]
Panda: Remember when we used to do this to a certain lame ass math teacher that needs to remain nameless or else we'll be in deep shit??
Rei-chan: Well, no duh we remember. The cookie wars were in our yearbook as one of the memorable moments. We're traumatized for life because of him. That's why some kids didn't get into the high schools they applied for. Well, I took that supplementary class so I didn't go dumb, so I got in but...
Kylrane: Do you realize there are no adults in the house?
Panda and Rei-chan: ALRIGHT!!! PARTY!!!
Kylrane: That's not exactly what I was leading to...
[Back to the office where Kylrane's dad is under a mountain of papers. Vince is sitting there in his desk, ranting and raving.]
Vince: DAMN THAT ASSHOLE HOGAN!! HE HAD NO RIGHT TO LAY HIS HANDS ON THE CHAIRMAN OF THE WWE!! I'M HIS BOSS, DAMNIT, I WANT SOME FUCKING RESPECT!!!
Kylrane's dad: Uh-huh [moving under the papers]
Vince: Why is it that no one is doing their jobs correctly?? Stephanie has to bring back that old bag Hogan, and Bischoff does the dumbest thing I can think of! Doesn't he know Austin will NEVER EVER accept that offer?? I told him he's not welcome back, that's the bottomline!! You don't defy the boss!!!
Kylrane's dad: Uh-huh...[A cell phone rings. Both men check theirs. It's Kylrane's dad who's receiving the call.] Hello?
Caller: [in a scared voice] Daddy??
Kylrane's dad: Oh, hi! What's up? Who's watching you?
Kylrane: [still scared] Uh...no one. Panda and Rei are here, and they're SINGING KARAOKE!!! NO!!!
Voice in background: [barely audible] Hey, Kylrane, can we make an ice skating rink in your backyard? If we turn on your hoses, the water that comes out will freeze!!!
Kylrane: NO PANDA!!! [realizing she's still on the phone] Daddy, can you send an adult over puh-leaze??? I can't believe I want adult supervision, but I'm stuck here with two nutcases!!
Kylrane's dad: Of course, I'll make sure Mr. McMahon adheres to our deal. Bye.
Kylrane: HURRY!!! THEY FOUND THE SHAVING CREAM!!! [click]
Kylrane's dad: [turns to Vince, fuming] You left my daughter ALONE AND DEFENSELESS???
Vince: I'm too damn busy whining in capitial letters about Hogan!!! [gets a glare] Ok, Ok!! I'll send someone...ah-hah! I'll send Christopher Nowinski, the WWE's only Harvard graduate! He'll teach your kid so much stuff.
Kylrane's dad: I want two more people to go with that boring asshole. Don't you remember his obsession with getting into Molly Holly's pants? I don't want him alone with my kid.
Vince: [opens his laptop] Ok, then, I'll just choose two other people randomly. I'll just enter the birthday, age, gender, and favorite color of the person, and it can give me the female and male that would be most compatible with them...[gets a weird look from Kylrane's dad] YES, IT IS THE LOVE MATCH MACHINE, BUT WITH WWE WRESTLERS PROGRAMMED INTO THE DATABASE!! Just give me the information...
Kylrane's dad: Well, ok...4/27, age 14, obviously a girl, and uh...um...I'm not sure about her favorite color.
Vince: Just a guess!!
Kylrane's dad: Um...uh...green?
Vince: Ok...[presses the 'find your matches!' button] Well...I hope your daughter has a lot of patience. The matches are Jeff Hardy and Dawn Marie.
Kylrane's dad: Just great. The crazy guy who jumps off stuff and a slut. Perfect role models.
Vince: I'll send them straight away....
[At Kylrane's house, our victim is hiding behind the couch. Rei and Panda have resorted to throwing cookies again for kicks. There are crumbs all over the place.]
Kylrane: [feels her cell phone vibrating] Hello? Dad...uh...it's red, why? No, don't say nothing, tell me why?? You thought it was green?? But, what does it...[doorbell rings] The wrestlers are here, I guess. Bye. [gets up, and a cookie hits her forehead.] DAMNIT, QUIT IT!!!!
Panda and Rei-chan: [they stare, look around, and suddenly become conscious of what they've done] Sorry. Got hyper...[They grab their stuff and run out the door.]
Kylrane: [stares at the people on her front steps] Why three? Scratch that...why me??
Christopher Nowinski: [steps inside, and looks around. He's got a really smug look on his face. He seems to be appalled by the house.] What a pig stye!!
Kylrane: Hey, you ass, it's my friends' fault that there are cookies all over the place! And who the hell do you think you are, coming into my house and criticizing it??
Jeff Hardy: Duh, he's Harvard Boy Christopher Nowinski.
Kylrane: Oh yeah. Argh, why me?? [flops onto the couch, head in her arms]
Dawn Marie: Hey, girlie, you wouldn't have any grandfathers I could seduce, would you??
Kylrane: .........[still face down]...No.
[The three guests come into the house. Dawn Marie sits down, and opens up her blouse. Nowinski is still making that face, and Jeff's poking Kylrane's head.]
Jeff: Are you dead??
Kylrane: [looks up] Are you stupid?? No, don't you answer that question. [Spots Dawn Marie] AW, SHIT, DON'T DO THAT!!! Be decent!!
Dawn Marie: Dear child, it's only the human body. I'm proud of my body!
Kylrane: I don't care, you're in my house! Cover up! [Dawn Marie reluctantly buttons up. Jeff was gawking, and is now disappointed.]
Nowinski: Where's the remote, you little brat, I wanna watch some CNN. You know, my educated brain must be stimulated.
Kylrane: I'M NOT LITTLE!!!!
Jeff: Are you frustrated? I'm frustrated! I'm so frustrated I might...do...something... [He has a crazed look in his eye. Kylrane hops behind the couch in fear.] Oh, no, nevermind. [Goes back to normal.]
Dawn Marie: I have an idea, how about I give you a makeover? We can go shopping and pick up some cute little outfits! Your shirts aren't sexy enough, girl!
Kylrane: [looks at her clothes] Oh hell no. Do you think I'd wear the shit you wear?? I don't even wear skirts and dresses except my uniform! The only dress I've got is for Christmas and Easter and other special occasions. I'm not like your normal 'I'm a popular teenybopper and I can't wait to go to the prom!' kind of girl!
Jeff: It's ok to be different. I'm different, and look where that's got me!
Nowinski: Yeah, Hardy. It's gotten you no title shots, no wins, and no girlfriend. Plus, that face paint makes you look like a cave man ready for war.
Jeff: OH YEAH?? If you're such a smart ass from Harvard, how come you couldn't win the contracts from Tough Enough?
Nowinski: Simple. It was favoritism among the trainers.
Kylrane: Shutup the both of you. If you graduated from such a prestigious school, why are you in the wrestling business?? Surely if your resume says that you're a Harvard graduate, you'd be fought over by employers around the country. And Jeff, why do you get so emotional in matches?? You never ever win stuff because you get too wrapped up in the match, in impressing the fans, and in trying to out do yourself.
[Both Jeff and Christopher are quiet. Dawn Marie gets up.]
Dawn Marie: Are we going to the mall??
Kylrane: NO! ARGH! [to Jeff and Nowinski] See, if you just used what's up here, [taps her head] maybe you wouldn't be randomly placed in matches that just fill up time.
Nowinski: You're just a kid. What would you know about wrestling?
Kylrane: Maybe I don't know much about wrestling, but I am a stranger to failure. Unlike you two.
Jeff: Ouch.
Dawn Marie: I DEMAND THAT WE GO TO THE MALL!!!
Nowinski: Hey kid, why don't you arm wrestle Dawn Marie to see if you go to the mall? Then we'll know if you're a stranger to failure.
Kylrane: [looks at Dawn Marie's scrawny arm] BWAHAHAHA! You think she'd kick my ass? No way! I kill all the girls at arm wrestling, and I almost beat a guy friend of mine once.
Jeff: Just do it. I want to see this.
Dawn Marie: [afraid of hurting her arm] Why don't Chris and Jeff arm wrestle to decide what to do? I'll get Chris, you get Jeff!
Jeff: Why do I get her?
Kylrane: [stares at Jeff intimidatingly] Are you trying to hint at something? Because I wouldn't be surprised at all if you lost this. I will so hurt you if you lose.
Jeff: [gulps] Yes ma'am. [Christoper and Jeff put their elbows on the dining table. They lock hands. Christopher sticks his tongue out at Jeff, and Jeff kicks him under the table.]
Dawn Marie: Ok. Start on three. 1...2...3...
Jeff: AUGH!! [Christoper started on two. Jeff's hand hits the table.]
Dawn Marie: YES! [Hugs Christoper, who suddenly has a goofy grin on his face. Kylrane is crying.]
Kylrane: NOOO!!! I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL WITH DAWN MARIE!!!!!
Jeff: [pounding his fist into the wall] Damnit! I lost again!!! I'm Xtreme, I'm not supposed to lose!!!!
[Kylrane is carried out of the house by Nowinski, kicking and screaming. Dawn Marie is smiling and hiking her skirt up. Jeff's head is hung, flinching at Kylrane's shrieks.]
Kylrane: SAVE ME!! SAVE ME!! I DON'T WANNA GO!!! WAHHHH!!!
Ok...sorry if that was a little weird. It's not that I totally hate the mall, but just imagine getting a makeover with Dawn Marie supervising. Little old me doesn't like to show off her skin, mind you. Dawn Marie shows off everything. Sorry if Jeff's a little weird, he practically has no character on Raw. He's just the Xtreme guy. Nowinski, however, was easy for me to play with. Tee hee. And if you want to know, I really would like to go to Harvard.