****
"Another pair of pants that don't fit," Angela grumbled. It was her third
pair that she had tried on, and the third pair that wouldn't go past being
half done up.
Throwing on her pink robe, Angela padded to the stairway and looked down. "Tony?"
"Yeah?"
"Where's my box of fat clothes?" She couldn't believe she had to pull them out again, but never fails, she thought. Finally, she and Tony were together, and her body was already rebelling. Every time she met a man she liked, she'd end up gaining inordinate amounts of weight.
She used to joke with her mother that it was happiness-happiness compelled her to work out less, and eat more. Angela would put in fewer hours at work, and remember meals instead of skipping every other.
The truth was, as far as Angela was concerned, nervousness didn't help her at all-whenever she became nervous of the relationship in any way, she had a snack. She'd find something she shouldn't be eating, and she'd eat it in abundance.
"It's in the back far corner of the closet, underneath your gold pantsuit." He called back.
When she returned to her room, she stopped in front of her full length mirror and began to wonder what Tony would think of the new, heavier Angela. Opening her robe, she appraised the damage. So far it was only fifteen pounds, but she couldn't fathom how much more she could gain if this relationship kept progressing (as she had hoped it would).
Her ribs were becoming less visible, and her hip bones seemed less pronounced. Her collar bone was still evident, but softened, and her legs seemed fuller. She liked the changes to her legs, she decided, noting that her knees looked less knobby. Her breasts seemed fuller as well, and shapelier. Another perk, she decided, of gaining extra weight.
Tony's arm, sliding around her abdomen broke her away from her self analysis. "You don't need fat clothes," he said softly against her neck. "You look amazing, and healthy."
Angela blushed slightly at his opinion-at least she knew that he would love her despite the extra pounds.
"Well, since none of my pants are doing up anymore, I thought it might be advisable to explore other avenues."
"And your fat clothes is the road you chose? Angela, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and so what, you've gained a few pounds.Does it matter? Not really, because now," Tony wanted to explain how he found her to be even more sexy than ever before-which he had never thought possible. "Now," he resumed, running his fingers over her rib cage, "you're even sexier than ever."
"You have to say that, otherwise you'd be banished back to your room until I lost the weight," Angela said, self loathingly.
"First of all, who says I'd let you banish me? I love you too much to not fall asleep beside you and wake up next to you. Secondly, I honest to God mean it, honey. I think you look less tired, and like you're happier." Tony smiled as his hands rested on her hips. "You know I love you more than I've ever dreamed possible, right?"
"Maybe you should, uh, show me again." Angela grinned as she turned around and into his grasp. "A girl needs to be reminded of such things."
"I think I can do that," Tony seductively announced as he bent to pick her up. "As long as I can still wrap my arms around you, and carry you around like this, I'll always be happy," he smiled. It was true. Angela couldn't ever be unattractive to him, even when she was feeling so insecure.
"I don't deserve you," she whispered softly as he carried her to the bed.
"I don't deserve you," Tony corrected.
*****
Finally starting to fall asleep, Tony tightened his grip around Angela. He loved holding her body against hers, especially after they had made love. It was comfortable and it just fit-like it was meant to be that way.
Nuzzling her naked shoulder, he closed his eyes and imagined what life could be like for them. He wanted to propose to her-to make everything official between them-and he wanted to have the most amazing wedding. Just for her.
Angela was daydreaming about how perfect her life had been. Since she and Tony got back from LA, there was no stopping them from being together.
The week after they got back from Los Angeles, they had gone out on a date to a restaurant in Brooklyn-somewhere Mrs. Rossini had suggested-and then went for a long drive through Connecticut. It was sunrise before they had even thought about turning around, and by that point, something else was stopping them.
The car ride was full of conversation between them. No topic was left unexplored-how they felt about the merits of friendship and a relationship, how any actions would affect their family. But it seemed the easy answer that they were willing to deal with any consequences and that they still had too many unexplored feelings to call it quits before trying.
Tony had gotten out of the car, led her by the hand into the hotel, and rented a room for them. At first it was awkward, as if they were teenagers staying out past curfew, but after a gentle kiss in the doorway of the room, they both knew that they were ready for the next step.
They made love all day long, only stopping for their meals, which they ate in bed and shared.
From that day on, they had shared a bed-not once sleeping apart in the four months they had been dating.
The first night of sleeping in Angela's room was awkward for them. Tony wanted to 'sneak' over after the kids had gone to bed, and hopefully avoid Mona's prying eyes, but Angela wouldn't hear of it.
"I want to be open about our relationship. I'm not ashamed that I love you," she said, fingering the buttons of his shirt.
It was the first time she had said those words to him.
"I'm not ashamed of it either," Tony whispered, instantly realizing that he should have returned the thought and told her that he loved her too. A spark went out in her eyes, as she began to wonder about how he really felt, and then she felt his hand take hers. "I love you Angela Catherine Bower."
She giggled at the use of her middle name, and then realized how much she loved it when he spoke her name. It took her a moment to realize he had said that he loved her too.
Waking up alone in the bed, Tony was wondering where Angela had gone. A glance towards the clock told him that he had been asleep about an hour, so he couldn't justify her absence yet.
He missed her, when he woke up alone. He missed being able to wake her with a kiss, and touch her. It was the ability to hold her that made him realize how real their relationship was-that it wasn't just a great dream.
"Hey sleepy head," Angela said, as she carried a plate into the room with her. "How ya feeling?"
"Better now that you're back," Tony answered truthfully. He was worried about her, whenever she wasn't around him.
"I went to get us a sandwich, and to see if the rest of the household was still functioning without us-Sam's gone shopping and Jonathon has gone out with that Madeline girl."
"And Mona?" Tony asked.
"She's no where to be seen-I'm guessing she's not back from her date last night quite yet. It is only eleven thirty." Angela smiled as she crawled back into bed beside Tony. "Ham and Swiss on rye, no mustard," Angela told him as he appraised the sandwich.
Taking half the sandwich in her hand, Angela began to eat. When she noticed that Tony was staring at her, she stopped and looked at him nervously.
"What?"
"I was just thinking of how beautiful you are," he said easily.
"Thank you." Leaning towards him, she pressed a soft kiss against his lips.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
****
Five pounds later, Angela was getting frustrated. Twenty pounds in total, she told herself. Twenty pounds gained. It was only a matter of minutes, she decided, until Tony would decide that he couldn't date someone as fat and unattractive as she was.
Twenty pounds. That's.two and a half bags of potatoes she might as well have strapped on to her thighs. That's two bowling balls. Twenty pounds. That's heavier than she'd been in almost as many years.
"Hey Ang," Tony said as she entered the kitchen. As he crossed over to kiss her good morning, Angela veered off course and in another direction away from him. "You okay?"
"Fine," she said through clinched teeth.
"I made waffles for breakfast," Tony said, hoping that would cheer her up. "And fresh whipped cream and fruit."
"Are you trying to turn me into a cow? Is this some sick possessive thing?" Angela lashed out, unable to control all the emotions that the extra five pounds had given her.
"What? Angela, what's going on? Seriously? This isn't like you!" Tony looked bewildered at the accusations, and from where they were coming.
"Waffles, fresh whipped cream. Yesterday it was eggs benedict, and the day before it was French toast. Do you want me to gain a hundred pounds? Are you trying to make me ugly?" Collapsing in her chair, head in hands, Angela couldn't stop herself from freaking out any more. There was just no way she could get around it.
"Eh oh, oh eh! First of all, I'm not cooking any different than I did before we were together, I promise you, and secondly, you could never be ugly. Never. No matter how hard any one tried, they couldn't make you ugly." Tony wrapped his arms around her sobbing form and pressed a kiss to her hair.
A few moments later, Angela began to compose herself. "I'm sorry Tony, really. I guess.I'm scared."
"Scared? Of what?"
"I'm scared that I'm just going to gain more and more weight until you don't love me anymore. I'm so emotional these days, and I freak out so easily. It can't be easy for you to love me like this." Angela looked up through the tears in her eyes and wondered when things would be good between them again.
"I will always love you-I have forever already. Nothing is going to change how I feel about you." After a moment's hesitation, he continued. "Maybe you should see a doctor. Just get checked out. You've not been acting like yourself lately, and it's starting to affect the things you're doing."
Tony looked at Angela sadly. He had never seen her so out of it and emotional. It just wasn't the type of person she was.
"I'm fine Tony, really. I'm just emotional because we've been working to this point forever and now that we're here, I'm just so happy."
"You're so happy you're crying twice a day?"
"Happiness.effects me differently I guess." She forced a smile.
"You're seeing a doctor. I'm making the appointment, and I'm taking you."
*****
"I'm worried Mona, that's all." Tony passed back the ice cream sundae that they were sharing across the table.
"I know you are-you're an exceptional man Tony." She forced a bite of sundae into her mouth. "What's wrong anyway?"
"She's gained twenty pounds, as I'm sure you've noticed, and she's so emotional. She's not been sleeping very well either." Tony stole some whip cream using his index finger. When he looked up, Mona was beaming.
"Don't look so happy there, Mon," he chastised. "Your daughter is sick."
"She's not sick, ya goof," Mona said, her eyes wide. "My little girl is pregnant!"
Tony's jaw dropped. "Ya think?"
"She's gained weight, her emotions are crazy? Yeah!"
The initial shock was just too much for him. He stared at Mona in awe, a billion thoughts running through his mind.
"Wouldn't she ya know, know?" Tony's question sounded silly as soon as he asked. "I mean."
"Not Angela-she's slow on the uptake when it comes to her own body. So, how do you feel, daddy?"
Instantly he felt stupid. He was so busy processing the news that Angela was pregnant again to realize that he was going to be a father.
"I'm.wow!" Tony jumped up and hugged Mona. "I'm.we're.?"
Mona nodded as she watched him jump about. He was so happy, she concluded. Nothing could have made him happier.
"How do we tell Angela?" Mona asked.
"Oh my God, yeah," Tony realized. "I was getting ahead of myself."
"I have an idea," Mona finally offered.
****
Tony was ready to have the talk with Angela. He couldn't wait any longer. The three hours since the conversation with Mona had already been too long.
Sam and Jonathon went to Brooklyn to see Mrs. Rossini, as per Tony's request, and Mona was strictly instructed not to go near the house.
He had a special meal planned for Angela, and during dinner he was determined to bring up the baby.
When Angela came home, he rushed to meet her at the door.
"Hey honey," he said, wrapping his arms around her and pressing the most painfully slow kiss he could against her lips.
"Hey to you too," she smiled. He was up to something-not that she minded.
Leading her towards an already set dinner table, Tony pulled out her chair and then quickly began to serve dinner.
"Wow, this is quite the meal you have laid out," Angela commented, wondering what the occasion was.
"Here it is: a complete Angela appreciation meal," Tony grinned as he began dishing out food.
"Oh.baby quiche... and buns with caviar pate. OH! Tossed shrimp salad! Look at all these foods! What's it all for?
"You." Tony said simply, seating himself across from her. "I had a conversation today with your mother about how worried I am about you."
"I'm fine, really. I felt better today." She forced a smile, feeling bad for lying to Tony. She'd been a mess all day, but she had managed to fight the urge to go home early.
"Well, Mona thought maybe." he'd planned a speech, but it seemed inappropriate.
"What? What did mother think?"
"She thinks you're pregnant." He finally said, hoping she'd be as excited as he was at the suggestion.
"Oh," Angela said, not fully comprehending the comment. "OH!" she said finally.
"Are you okay?" She didn't seem happy or sad, a fact that was haunting Tony.
"I'm fine, I'm just."
"What?"
"I can't believe I didn't think of it before," she answered, her expression still neutral. "How do you feel about this.um, situation?" She cautiously asked him.
"Situation? We're talking about a baby-not tax fraud!" Tony couldn't believe that the potential mother of his potential child.And then it hit him-this is all speculation. Nothing is certain at all, and he's acting as if she just told him that she never wanted to see him again. . "I'm sorry," he said quietly retreating. "I was just so.never mind. Anyway, seriously, are you alright?" Moving around the table, Tony knelt down in front of her and took her hand in his.
"Yeah," she said, still in shock. "I'm just, you know, surprised."
He'd been hoping for overjoyed or even excited but he'd have to settle for surprise.
"How do you feel about the possibility?" She wanted to gauge her response against his-she was nervous, and anxious, but overall, she was feeling a sense of 'wow, could life be any better?'
"I'm.do you want me to be honest?" He watched her carefully, unsure of what she really wanted to hear. When she nodded, and tightened her grip on his hand, he continued. "I can't think of anything that could make me happier. Having a baby with a woman I love more than I have ever thought possible.It's absolutely perfect. I keep imagining you with this perfect, precious baby in your arms and how amazing it would be to watch her grow up to be as beautiful and brilliant as you." the look in his eyes held every answer she wanted to know.
"What about having her father's penchant for sports?" Angela grinned at the thought.
"She'd be one incredibly well versed second baseman," Tony teased. "How are you feeling, really, in all of this?"
"I'm ecstatic, and I really can't wait to do the test to be certain." Angela leaned down towards Tony and pressed a kiss against his lips.
"Wow, neither can I. I made you an appointment for a physical tomorrow, so you can talk to the doctor tomorrow."
"Let's skip dinner," Angela seductively suggested.
"But do you think that's a good idea-skipping a meal?"
"What about having dessert first," she asked, smiling and leading him by his hand towards the steps.
*****
"You want me to come in with you?" Tony asked. He had insisted on driving her in, and then he wasn't sure he could let go of her hand.
"Um.It's a full physical, Tony. There are some things you just don't need to see." Angela smiled nervously and then winked at him.
She had felt better since their dinner and evening alone. The mere idea of having a baby with Tony had her on cloud 9.
As she changed into the paper robe in the examination room, she let her hand rest on her stomach a few seconds longer than she had intended, willing her body to give her a sign.
"Angela! How you feelin?" Dr Gladstone found his way to his chair, clipboard in hand.
"Well, my.boyfriend," she nearly choked on the word; "my boyfriend and I were wondering if maybe I am pregnant." She grinned, unable to maintain her excitement.
"And why would you think that?" He asked in an all too serious tone.
"Well, I've not had a period in about.three months. I've been emotional, and gaining weight.And I got a zit last week-my hormones are totally out of whack." She'd never been as proud of a zit as she was now.
"How old are you now?"
"I'll be 41 soon," she said, wondering why he was being so cynical.
"And have you experienced any spotting or bleeding?"
"No, nothing. That's why we." the look she gave him was asking what he was getting at.
"I don't think you're pregnant," he said simply, and then moved to take her blood pressure.
"Oh," she said, wondering what he was getting at.
"I think you're perimenopausal," he finished.
"Excuse me?"
"You're starting menopause. Early stages of menopause have probably set in. You're hormones will be on a rollercoaster ride, and you're going to be feeling a little delicate. You've probably noticed a change in your eating habits, and you've noticed a craving for perhaps sweets or carbohydrates."
"I always want candy and pasta-my boyfriend's Italian!"
"Point is, you're in the early stages of menopause-you might as well sit back and try to stay as normal as possible, despite the changes. I'll give you a prescription for some estrogen supplements, or you can take the pill, and those will make you feel better."
As the doctor wrote out the prescription, Angela just sat on the table trying to fight back the tears, and preparing herself to talk to Tony.
This was going to kill him.
*****
"So, how'd it go?" Tony leapt to his feet to greet her.
"Alright. The standard poking and prodding, some questions, and a prescription." She couldn't even force a smile. Angela was beyond that point.
"Prescription?" He hadn't expected that-he had anticipated good news from the start. He had never thought that they could get less than good news.
"Yeah, just for hormones and stuff," she said as she took his hand and led him from the office. "Let's get going. We'll talk in the car."
"Eh oh, what's to talk about? If there's something we need to discuss, I'd rather not doing while operating a vehicle!" It was his attempt at cute, but it failed miserably. He couldn't be cute-he was too scared.
"Well, let's talk in the car, or wait til we get home, okay?" He wasn't used to seeing her eyes so narrowed, or her head held so low. Angela was confident. She was strong willed and her will was unwavering. "It's bad, huh?"
"Please." Angela pled as they rode the elevator down to the parking garage.
The rest of the walk was silent, neither sure that they could bring themselves to discuss anything other than what they had been thinking about. The idea of having a baby was too firmly implanted in their hearts, and whatever could stand in the way of that seemed too insurmountable of an object.
As Tony opened the passenger door of the Jag, Angela laughed. "Remember what we went through when you had this thing painted red?"
"I was Mr. Belvedere for a while. I'm glad we fixed that."
"So am I. You looked so funny in that cream colored suit jacket and a white dress shirt. And calling me ma'am. Eck!" She couldn't believe how prominently that memory had featured for her.
"Master Jonathon...That was a cute touch, if I do say so myself."
Angela began to laugh hysterically at the thought, remembering the accent that he had used to cover his Brooklyn slang and how he had walked so stiffly-a sight to behold.
"We've had some crazy times, haven't we?" It wasn't that long ago, she thought.
"We have. We're going to have tones more, I promise you. Remember when you taught me to swim, so I could compete with Billy in that swim meet?" Tony laughed uncontrollably, vaguely remembering how silly he felt, and how hideous his bright yellow swim trunks were.
It was only a moment before Angela joined him in laughing, and another few seconds until her laughter turned into tears.
"Eh, oh, oh eh!" Tony leaned in closer to her. "What's going on?"
"You deserve someone who can give you everything you deserve. You should be with someone so much." younger than me, she wanted to say, but instead she rethought. "So much more to offer than me." She wasn't sure how to say it-how to tell him that she couldn't have any more children, and that he wouldn't be able to nurture another child like he had Billy, Sam or Jonathon as long as he was with her.
"I don't want anything but you. I don't even deserve you, but that won't stop me from trying to make you happy." Running his hands over the length of her thighs, he was trying to figure out what was happening.
"I can't.I'm not able to give you what you need," she said, before bursting into another fit of tears.
"Shhhh," Tony said, pulling her body against his own. "You are everything I need and more-don't ever doubt that."
"I'm not pregnant," she whispered, wishing she didn't have to give life to the words.
"The doctor? He told you that?" Searching her brown eyes, he had never had to try so hard to read her emotions. He couldn't tell what she was feeling.
"He said that I'm heading into menopause, and that I should just go along with it, instead of fighting it," she managed to get out between gasps for breath.
"Did he do tests or anything?"
"He ran some, but we don't know the results yet," she tried to compose herself as she spoke, wiping the tears from her face and settling into the car seat.
"Well, let's go home, and we'll talk there, okay?"
"Do you hate me?"
He looked at her, aghast at the idea.
"How could I ever hate you?" Pressing a kiss to her hand, he closed the door and walked around to the driver's side.
They had a lot of talking to do.
****
The car ride had been mostly silent. Angela was trying to think of an easy out for Tony-some way to let him walk away from her without feeling guilty. He shouldn't feel guilty about it, she had decided. He couldn't change what he wanted for life, and he couldn't have made her any younger.
Tony tried to concentrate on the road, but every so often he would drift over to look at Angela, and wish that he could make it all better for her. He wanted to tell her that no matter what, even if they couldn't have a baby together, they could be happy together. He just hadn't come up with anything more convincing to tell her than just that.
When they pulled into the driveway, Angela made a dash for the house, clutching her stomach. He followed behind her, trying to allow her some space, but not wanting to be so far away that he couldn't help her if he needed.
Finally, reaching the bathroom Angela curled her body around the toilet as she heaved, wishing that she didn't feel like such a wreck. If she felt better, she told herself, she could make this easier on Tony. That's what she needed to do.
"I'm fine," she managed, in between a cough and gagging again. She didn't sound too convincing, but she didn't want Tony to worry.
"Yeah, right." Pressing a damp face cloth across her neck, he held her hair out of the way as she continued to be sick. "I wish I could make this better for you. Really."
Angela had fallen asleep in the bathroom, on the floor. It wasn't until he was certain she was asleep that Tony decided to pick her up and carry her to the room.
She was exhausted-she looked it too. Everything about her demeanor had slowed down, and she just wasn't her old self.
IF this is what menopause was going to do to her, Tony thought, he'd have to find ways to lighten her load, and make her more comfortable when she was home. He couldn't bear to see her so run down, and emotional.
Tucking her into the bed, he crawled in beside her and rest his palm flat against her stomach. Quietly, he began to talk to her, wishing that he had the nerve to tell her everything when she was awake.
"I wish, more than anything, I could tell you this face to face. I mean, I love you so much, that the idea of living without you kills me. I can't imagine anyone ever being with you, except for me. It's like, we're meant to be together. And if we're not meant to have a baby, no matter how exciting the idea was, it doesn't matter because I have you. If we really want to, we can adopt, and if we really, really want to, we can get a dog. I don't care, as long as I get to wake up next to you. I love you." Tears were rolling down his face as he buried his face against Angela's shoulder. Had he been watching her, he would have seen tears running down her face as well.
When Tony woke up, Angela wasn't in bed beside him. He instantly panicked, worried that she was ill again, or worse that she was having an emotional breakdown.
Checking first in the bathroom and then racing down to the living room, his heart was about to beat out of his chest. She had been such a mess before and now to be alone?
When he flung open the door to the kitchen, he wasn't expecting to see her sitting at the table, sipping coffee from her favorite mug.
"Hey," she said quietly.
"Hey."
"Why are you out of breath?"
"I took the stairs too fast." Sitting down in the chair next to her, he tried to discretely appraise her mood.
"I'm feeling better," she offered.
"I'm glad-you were lookin' pretty rough before," he said, wondering if she was just saying that to make him feel better.
"My stomach's calmed down, and I'm feeling.normal again." Angela continued to sip her coffee and play with the handle of her mug. "Thank you for earlier."
Tony wished she'd look at him. He needed to see that she was really doing better, and by avoiding eye contact, he couldn't tell. He forced a half smile and then got up from the table to get himself a juice. "You know, if you're not comfortable with Dr Gladstone's diagnosis, why don't you get a second opinion?"
"Oh, Tony, I just don't know. He's been our doctor for.almost ten years. I trust him. I just think it's a bitter pill to swallow." She paused and then looked up at him, leaning against the counter. "I never really gave much thought to having another baby but then when we thought.It just felt so right. And then to go in and be practically told I'm crazy."
"Did he do a pregnancy test?"
"No, he just tested my estrogen levels, did some blood tests, and gave me a requisition for a bone density test."
"Okay, well, maybe menopause and pregnancy are, you know, kinda similar. I ain't no woman, but I've known enough pregnant ones to have been convinced you could be." Tony sat back down in his chair and took her hand in his.
"DO I dare ask what you're saying?"
"I'm saying, let's get a second opinion. Let's get one of those home test kits and let's do it!"
"Do you really think there's a chance we'll get a different answer?" Angela was afraid to be too hopeful.
"Well, there's always a chance. I think that if you're this upset about his diagnosis, you owe it to yourself to get another opinion." Squeezing her hand, he was happy to see a glimmer of the old Angela hiding underneath.
"Yeah, we should. Should we start with the test, and then see what it says?"
"Sure," he said, "Do you want me to go and pick one up?"
"Let's go together." Angela stood up, and headed towards the door, shocking Tony that she wanted to go right away. "Well, why wait, right?"
****
The drugstore trip was slightly nerve-wrecking as they walked along the feminine hygiene isle, and then towards the pregnancy tests. There must have been half a dozen boxes on the shelves, and they all had different ways of telling you the news.
One said to look for a blue line as a positive, the other said to look for a pink dot. One said five minutes, one said twenty. The five minute one cost six dollars more, but it seemed like a reasonable extra expense considering the waiting period, and how torturous it would be.
Finally, having chosen a blue line, five minute, compact box test, Tony led Angela through the isles and to the counter, paying quickly and then returning to the car.
"You'd think they'd make one that worked faster," Tony said, as Angela walked out of the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind her.
Five minutes-300 seconds. Too long, now matter how he thought about it.
"At least it's not longer," she said, resting in the spot beside him. "They should make those sticks a little bigger though."
"Why?" Tony stared at the bathroom door, never wavering.
"Because you try peeing on something ten times smaller than a dime!" She flopped backwards on the bed and looked at her watch. "Three minutes, forty-five seconds."
"We should probably talk before we go back in there. Ya know, about how we feel and what our next step is."
"We're either buying baby clothes or we're picking up estrogen supplements." Angela reached for his hand, encouraging him to lay back with her.
When he did finally lay back, she rolled on to her side and wrapped her arm around his waist. "I love you, and I know that we're forever-nothing can change that. If I can't have your baby, I was hoping we could adopt, or maybe try surrogacy."
"If tht would make you happy too, I would like that," he strewed his arm across her middle, his fingers stroking the skin revealed from the parting of her pants and her sweater.
"It would," she smiled, the first genuine smile she had been able to muster since the doctor's office.
"And Angela." Tony had wanted to make this special-to do it right-and for some reason he couldn't imagine any way more right than that time and place. "Can we start making wedding plans?"
"Wow.Tony!"
"I don't have a ring yet-I tried to pick one, but none of the ones I saw were, ya know, the perfect ring for you. I do want to marry you, though." He'd looked into her eyes, past the tears that had begun to shed, and knew her answer.
"I am too lucky to have you," she said, leaning in for a tender, slow kiss.
"No, I am the lucky one-you are the most amazing woman I have ever met." His lips, only inches away from hers from the last kiss, moved in against hers.
"So we're getting marred," Angela stated.
"Yep. And we're building our lives together." Stroking her arm, Tony moved in closer yet, their bodies perfectly flush.
"And in a minute, we'll find out if we're having a baby," Angela quietly spoke, basking in the warmth of his touch.
"are we going to look together?" He didn't want to pressure her into anything at all, for fear of upsetting her.
"OF course," she hesitated for a moment. "But I want you to remember that whatever it says, we're going to be honest about how we feel about the results."
A part of her hadn't completely let go of a baby, and now that she had done the pregnancy test, she was afraid it would confirm what Doctor Gladstone had said.
"Ready?"
"Yeah," Angela barely managed to say. "Time's up."
*****
The stick was teetering ominously on the sink ledge, and from the doorway, it looked so insignificant.
Tony grasped Angela's hand firmly, worried that the result would be negative, and send her back into an emotional tailspin.
"Little things shouldn't be so scary," she said as she let go and approached the stick. Tony stood back in shock, proud that she was meeting her fear head on, but also increasingly nervous.
"What's a yes again?" Angela asked Tony.
"A blue line is a yes, and anything else is a no."
When she seemed unfazed by his answer, Tony stepped closer and planned on wrapping his arms around her, sure of the result.
"Here," Angela said, offering him the stick.
Looking down, Tony was in a state of shock. "We're pregnant!"
"We are," she beamed. "There's going to be a junior Micelli running around here."
In almost no time at all, Tony had his arms around Angela and they were laughing excitedly.
"We're having a baby," Tony proudly announced again.
"A baby.yes we are, aren't we?" Angela stepped back and placed her hand over her abdomen. "We made someone, and they're growing right here," she remarked, once again flowing.
"They are going to be the most remarkable little person ever." Tony couldn't stop smiling. "We should get you another appointment with a different doctor, and I want to get your ring."
"We can wait for the ring Tony. Just knowing we're getting married.That makes me very happy."
"I want every man to know that the most beautiful ad exec in America is spoken for, and that our relationship is forever." Tony blushed, not intending to tell Angela how jealous he could be, and how lucky he saw himself.
"What about after the appointment? We'll go look then, okay?"
"Okay," Tony agreed, hugging her again.
*****
The second appointment went much better than the first-the doctor (Tony's doctor), listened to Angela's symptoms and did the test. The results would be twenty-four hours, he had told them, but he felt confident that between the results of the home test and the symptoms she was describing, that it too would be positive.
"Should we look at rings now," Tony asked, hoping that they could stop at the jewelry store on the way home. She had said that she would, but he didn't want to push her. If she wasn't feeling well, or if it was moving too fast for her to do that, he would wait.
"Sure, but I will forewarn you, I don't want much." She looked over, seeing that he was slightly disappointed by that. "I had a huge ring when I was with Michael, and I had a huge diamond to show off, and that, uh, didn't last. I don't need that this time-it's just that you love me that matters."
He had been saving money for ages, just to buy her the perfect ring. Well, actually the money had started off as a rainy day fund, and then a 'birthday' fund, and when they started dating, he was certain that they would be married. It had become a 'diamond' fund in a matter of days. No matter what kind of fund it was, he didn't want her to get a ring that wasn't befitting of her, no matter what her excuse.
"Well, we'll see. You might see the perfect ring, and it might be something other than what you expect."
When they arrived at the jewelers, he quickly led her to the engagement/wedding section, and began asking about what she wanted. What cut? What colour? What kind of prism , did she want? Did she want a ring that was traditional, or something more contemporary?
"Tony, I don't know what I want-really. I have no clue. Let's just look. If we find it, we find it, and if we don't.we'll keep looking." Angela began to glance through the cases. Rows of diamonds were perfectly organized, and not one was appealing to her.
"Can I help you, ma'am?" A pouty looking woman from behind the counter looked up and down Angela, finally deciding that she must have the money to shop there, and begin her sales pitch. "We have some of the highest quality diamonds on the eastern seaboard."
"That's good to know," Angela said dismissively as she wandered further along the display.
"Angela, how 'bout this one?" Tony asked, as he pointed through the glass to something.
As she made her way around to where he was standing, she carefully eyed the case. "Which one," she asked, marveling at more than one of the non- traditional settings in front of her.
"That one," he said eyes wide. "Can we see that, please?"
The saleslady opened the case and passed Tony the ring at which he had been pointing-a perfect sapphire and diamond engagement band. At least a dozen tiny sapphires and diamonds were carefully set in a band of gold, and behind it rested a regal looking pear shaped diamond band, flanked by two sapphires.
"Those are remarkable."
"They are, what do you really think of them? Could you live with those for the rest of your life?" Tony grinned, convinced he was finally making headway.
"They're too much-way too much. Maybe we should keep looking." She continued to walk, wanting nothing more than to turn around and tell him how much he loved them. But he couldn't afford those, and she didn't need anything that extravagant. Angela just wanted to be married to him, and she wanted the doctor to call her and say that she was indeed pregnant.
"Eh, oh, Angela, do you like 'em?" When she didn't turn around, and didn't answer, Tony knew the truth. She had fallen in love with the rings too, which meant that she was going to have them no matter what. "We'll take them," he announced, and then took the wad of cash from his pocket.
"Tony! Where'd you get that?" Angela stared at him in awe.
"I've saved it, over the years. When ever I had extra money, I put it away, and this is what's left." He had 3900 dollars in his pocket, and he wouldn't have been carrying it except he knew that he wanted to buy her ring, and he wanted to give her it right away. He was nervous, he was anxious, but at least he was sure he wanted her to have the ring, and he wanted it to be the perfect ring.
"That's quite the savings," Angela remarked, still shocked. "Tony, you can't spend that on me! I wouldn't feel right."
"Once we're married, everything I own is as good as yours anyway, and you already have me, so what's some money?" Tony was trying to sound convincing, not sure if even he could justify that much money going out all at once, were it for anyone else.
"It's a lot of money Tony, and it could be better spent on something- anything-else. I love you so much, you could get my ring from a gumball machine, and I'd be okay with it!"
"We're getting 'em," Tony said decisively.
*****
Sitting on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms, Tony and Angela watched the evening news, hoping that the doctor would call them back, and tell them the final verdict.
She had been ill today as well, although not as badly as she had been in the previous days. For the first time since everything had started to change, Angela was able to cope with the sickness, and the discomfort. Tony was there for her, and always would be, and no matter what the diagnosis, she knew that they would figure out a way to fill the void.
Still, she felt somewhat hollow at the thought of not being pregnant, but she refused to let that run her life.
"You still thinking about the phone call?"
"Yeah," Angela admitted.
"Well, they're open another two hours. There's always a chance he'll call tonight, right?" Tony had been trying to keep calm and collected, but he wasn't sure if he could.
They still hadn't seen any of the family, so they weren't able to share their good news with them. It was frustrating, Angela concluded, to be so happy, and yet so incapable of sharing it with anyone. But even then she remembered that she had Tony, the source of her happiness, and that it didn't matter.
As if heaven sent, the phone rang and Angela reached over Tony to get the receiver.
"Hello?" A moment of silence. "This is she. Yes.yes.okay, thank you. Um, yeah, I'll do that tomorrow, if that's alright. Thank you. Yes, thanks. Bye."
"So? Was it them?" Tony asked anxiously.
"Yes, it was."
"And?"
"We're having a baby!" Angela squealed.
Throwing his arms around her, he couldn't believe how lucky they had gotten. Not only had they fallen in love, and been best of friends, but they were engaged, and she was carrying his child.
"I love you so much," he said as he pressed a kiss against her temple.
"I love you too! And now this? This is amazing." Angela let her hand rest on her stomach, only to be joined by Tony's a second later. "I don't mind this kind of fat at all," she laughed.
"You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I can't believe that you're mine," he said quietly as he leaned in and kissed her softly.
"Well believe it, we're yours," she whispered, initiating another kiss.
"We're going to have to relocate this, I think."
"Mmmm, yeah, might be a good idea," Angela grinned as she stood and led him to the stairs.
The End
Throwing on her pink robe, Angela padded to the stairway and looked down. "Tony?"
"Yeah?"
"Where's my box of fat clothes?" She couldn't believe she had to pull them out again, but never fails, she thought. Finally, she and Tony were together, and her body was already rebelling. Every time she met a man she liked, she'd end up gaining inordinate amounts of weight.
She used to joke with her mother that it was happiness-happiness compelled her to work out less, and eat more. Angela would put in fewer hours at work, and remember meals instead of skipping every other.
The truth was, as far as Angela was concerned, nervousness didn't help her at all-whenever she became nervous of the relationship in any way, she had a snack. She'd find something she shouldn't be eating, and she'd eat it in abundance.
"It's in the back far corner of the closet, underneath your gold pantsuit." He called back.
When she returned to her room, she stopped in front of her full length mirror and began to wonder what Tony would think of the new, heavier Angela. Opening her robe, she appraised the damage. So far it was only fifteen pounds, but she couldn't fathom how much more she could gain if this relationship kept progressing (as she had hoped it would).
Her ribs were becoming less visible, and her hip bones seemed less pronounced. Her collar bone was still evident, but softened, and her legs seemed fuller. She liked the changes to her legs, she decided, noting that her knees looked less knobby. Her breasts seemed fuller as well, and shapelier. Another perk, she decided, of gaining extra weight.
Tony's arm, sliding around her abdomen broke her away from her self analysis. "You don't need fat clothes," he said softly against her neck. "You look amazing, and healthy."
Angela blushed slightly at his opinion-at least she knew that he would love her despite the extra pounds.
"Well, since none of my pants are doing up anymore, I thought it might be advisable to explore other avenues."
"And your fat clothes is the road you chose? Angela, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and so what, you've gained a few pounds.Does it matter? Not really, because now," Tony wanted to explain how he found her to be even more sexy than ever before-which he had never thought possible. "Now," he resumed, running his fingers over her rib cage, "you're even sexier than ever."
"You have to say that, otherwise you'd be banished back to your room until I lost the weight," Angela said, self loathingly.
"First of all, who says I'd let you banish me? I love you too much to not fall asleep beside you and wake up next to you. Secondly, I honest to God mean it, honey. I think you look less tired, and like you're happier." Tony smiled as his hands rested on her hips. "You know I love you more than I've ever dreamed possible, right?"
"Maybe you should, uh, show me again." Angela grinned as she turned around and into his grasp. "A girl needs to be reminded of such things."
"I think I can do that," Tony seductively announced as he bent to pick her up. "As long as I can still wrap my arms around you, and carry you around like this, I'll always be happy," he smiled. It was true. Angela couldn't ever be unattractive to him, even when she was feeling so insecure.
"I don't deserve you," she whispered softly as he carried her to the bed.
"I don't deserve you," Tony corrected.
*****
Finally starting to fall asleep, Tony tightened his grip around Angela. He loved holding her body against hers, especially after they had made love. It was comfortable and it just fit-like it was meant to be that way.
Nuzzling her naked shoulder, he closed his eyes and imagined what life could be like for them. He wanted to propose to her-to make everything official between them-and he wanted to have the most amazing wedding. Just for her.
Angela was daydreaming about how perfect her life had been. Since she and Tony got back from LA, there was no stopping them from being together.
The week after they got back from Los Angeles, they had gone out on a date to a restaurant in Brooklyn-somewhere Mrs. Rossini had suggested-and then went for a long drive through Connecticut. It was sunrise before they had even thought about turning around, and by that point, something else was stopping them.
The car ride was full of conversation between them. No topic was left unexplored-how they felt about the merits of friendship and a relationship, how any actions would affect their family. But it seemed the easy answer that they were willing to deal with any consequences and that they still had too many unexplored feelings to call it quits before trying.
Tony had gotten out of the car, led her by the hand into the hotel, and rented a room for them. At first it was awkward, as if they were teenagers staying out past curfew, but after a gentle kiss in the doorway of the room, they both knew that they were ready for the next step.
They made love all day long, only stopping for their meals, which they ate in bed and shared.
From that day on, they had shared a bed-not once sleeping apart in the four months they had been dating.
The first night of sleeping in Angela's room was awkward for them. Tony wanted to 'sneak' over after the kids had gone to bed, and hopefully avoid Mona's prying eyes, but Angela wouldn't hear of it.
"I want to be open about our relationship. I'm not ashamed that I love you," she said, fingering the buttons of his shirt.
It was the first time she had said those words to him.
"I'm not ashamed of it either," Tony whispered, instantly realizing that he should have returned the thought and told her that he loved her too. A spark went out in her eyes, as she began to wonder about how he really felt, and then she felt his hand take hers. "I love you Angela Catherine Bower."
She giggled at the use of her middle name, and then realized how much she loved it when he spoke her name. It took her a moment to realize he had said that he loved her too.
Waking up alone in the bed, Tony was wondering where Angela had gone. A glance towards the clock told him that he had been asleep about an hour, so he couldn't justify her absence yet.
He missed her, when he woke up alone. He missed being able to wake her with a kiss, and touch her. It was the ability to hold her that made him realize how real their relationship was-that it wasn't just a great dream.
"Hey sleepy head," Angela said, as she carried a plate into the room with her. "How ya feeling?"
"Better now that you're back," Tony answered truthfully. He was worried about her, whenever she wasn't around him.
"I went to get us a sandwich, and to see if the rest of the household was still functioning without us-Sam's gone shopping and Jonathon has gone out with that Madeline girl."
"And Mona?" Tony asked.
"She's no where to be seen-I'm guessing she's not back from her date last night quite yet. It is only eleven thirty." Angela smiled as she crawled back into bed beside Tony. "Ham and Swiss on rye, no mustard," Angela told him as he appraised the sandwich.
Taking half the sandwich in her hand, Angela began to eat. When she noticed that Tony was staring at her, she stopped and looked at him nervously.
"What?"
"I was just thinking of how beautiful you are," he said easily.
"Thank you." Leaning towards him, she pressed a soft kiss against his lips.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
****
Five pounds later, Angela was getting frustrated. Twenty pounds in total, she told herself. Twenty pounds gained. It was only a matter of minutes, she decided, until Tony would decide that he couldn't date someone as fat and unattractive as she was.
Twenty pounds. That's.two and a half bags of potatoes she might as well have strapped on to her thighs. That's two bowling balls. Twenty pounds. That's heavier than she'd been in almost as many years.
"Hey Ang," Tony said as she entered the kitchen. As he crossed over to kiss her good morning, Angela veered off course and in another direction away from him. "You okay?"
"Fine," she said through clinched teeth.
"I made waffles for breakfast," Tony said, hoping that would cheer her up. "And fresh whipped cream and fruit."
"Are you trying to turn me into a cow? Is this some sick possessive thing?" Angela lashed out, unable to control all the emotions that the extra five pounds had given her.
"What? Angela, what's going on? Seriously? This isn't like you!" Tony looked bewildered at the accusations, and from where they were coming.
"Waffles, fresh whipped cream. Yesterday it was eggs benedict, and the day before it was French toast. Do you want me to gain a hundred pounds? Are you trying to make me ugly?" Collapsing in her chair, head in hands, Angela couldn't stop herself from freaking out any more. There was just no way she could get around it.
"Eh oh, oh eh! First of all, I'm not cooking any different than I did before we were together, I promise you, and secondly, you could never be ugly. Never. No matter how hard any one tried, they couldn't make you ugly." Tony wrapped his arms around her sobbing form and pressed a kiss to her hair.
A few moments later, Angela began to compose herself. "I'm sorry Tony, really. I guess.I'm scared."
"Scared? Of what?"
"I'm scared that I'm just going to gain more and more weight until you don't love me anymore. I'm so emotional these days, and I freak out so easily. It can't be easy for you to love me like this." Angela looked up through the tears in her eyes and wondered when things would be good between them again.
"I will always love you-I have forever already. Nothing is going to change how I feel about you." After a moment's hesitation, he continued. "Maybe you should see a doctor. Just get checked out. You've not been acting like yourself lately, and it's starting to affect the things you're doing."
Tony looked at Angela sadly. He had never seen her so out of it and emotional. It just wasn't the type of person she was.
"I'm fine Tony, really. I'm just emotional because we've been working to this point forever and now that we're here, I'm just so happy."
"You're so happy you're crying twice a day?"
"Happiness.effects me differently I guess." She forced a smile.
"You're seeing a doctor. I'm making the appointment, and I'm taking you."
*****
"I'm worried Mona, that's all." Tony passed back the ice cream sundae that they were sharing across the table.
"I know you are-you're an exceptional man Tony." She forced a bite of sundae into her mouth. "What's wrong anyway?"
"She's gained twenty pounds, as I'm sure you've noticed, and she's so emotional. She's not been sleeping very well either." Tony stole some whip cream using his index finger. When he looked up, Mona was beaming.
"Don't look so happy there, Mon," he chastised. "Your daughter is sick."
"She's not sick, ya goof," Mona said, her eyes wide. "My little girl is pregnant!"
Tony's jaw dropped. "Ya think?"
"She's gained weight, her emotions are crazy? Yeah!"
The initial shock was just too much for him. He stared at Mona in awe, a billion thoughts running through his mind.
"Wouldn't she ya know, know?" Tony's question sounded silly as soon as he asked. "I mean."
"Not Angela-she's slow on the uptake when it comes to her own body. So, how do you feel, daddy?"
Instantly he felt stupid. He was so busy processing the news that Angela was pregnant again to realize that he was going to be a father.
"I'm.wow!" Tony jumped up and hugged Mona. "I'm.we're.?"
Mona nodded as she watched him jump about. He was so happy, she concluded. Nothing could have made him happier.
"How do we tell Angela?" Mona asked.
"Oh my God, yeah," Tony realized. "I was getting ahead of myself."
"I have an idea," Mona finally offered.
****
Tony was ready to have the talk with Angela. He couldn't wait any longer. The three hours since the conversation with Mona had already been too long.
Sam and Jonathon went to Brooklyn to see Mrs. Rossini, as per Tony's request, and Mona was strictly instructed not to go near the house.
He had a special meal planned for Angela, and during dinner he was determined to bring up the baby.
When Angela came home, he rushed to meet her at the door.
"Hey honey," he said, wrapping his arms around her and pressing the most painfully slow kiss he could against her lips.
"Hey to you too," she smiled. He was up to something-not that she minded.
Leading her towards an already set dinner table, Tony pulled out her chair and then quickly began to serve dinner.
"Wow, this is quite the meal you have laid out," Angela commented, wondering what the occasion was.
"Here it is: a complete Angela appreciation meal," Tony grinned as he began dishing out food.
"Oh.baby quiche... and buns with caviar pate. OH! Tossed shrimp salad! Look at all these foods! What's it all for?
"You." Tony said simply, seating himself across from her. "I had a conversation today with your mother about how worried I am about you."
"I'm fine, really. I felt better today." She forced a smile, feeling bad for lying to Tony. She'd been a mess all day, but she had managed to fight the urge to go home early.
"Well, Mona thought maybe." he'd planned a speech, but it seemed inappropriate.
"What? What did mother think?"
"She thinks you're pregnant." He finally said, hoping she'd be as excited as he was at the suggestion.
"Oh," Angela said, not fully comprehending the comment. "OH!" she said finally.
"Are you okay?" She didn't seem happy or sad, a fact that was haunting Tony.
"I'm fine, I'm just."
"What?"
"I can't believe I didn't think of it before," she answered, her expression still neutral. "How do you feel about this.um, situation?" She cautiously asked him.
"Situation? We're talking about a baby-not tax fraud!" Tony couldn't believe that the potential mother of his potential child.And then it hit him-this is all speculation. Nothing is certain at all, and he's acting as if she just told him that she never wanted to see him again. . "I'm sorry," he said quietly retreating. "I was just so.never mind. Anyway, seriously, are you alright?" Moving around the table, Tony knelt down in front of her and took her hand in his.
"Yeah," she said, still in shock. "I'm just, you know, surprised."
He'd been hoping for overjoyed or even excited but he'd have to settle for surprise.
"How do you feel about the possibility?" She wanted to gauge her response against his-she was nervous, and anxious, but overall, she was feeling a sense of 'wow, could life be any better?'
"I'm.do you want me to be honest?" He watched her carefully, unsure of what she really wanted to hear. When she nodded, and tightened her grip on his hand, he continued. "I can't think of anything that could make me happier. Having a baby with a woman I love more than I have ever thought possible.It's absolutely perfect. I keep imagining you with this perfect, precious baby in your arms and how amazing it would be to watch her grow up to be as beautiful and brilliant as you." the look in his eyes held every answer she wanted to know.
"What about having her father's penchant for sports?" Angela grinned at the thought.
"She'd be one incredibly well versed second baseman," Tony teased. "How are you feeling, really, in all of this?"
"I'm ecstatic, and I really can't wait to do the test to be certain." Angela leaned down towards Tony and pressed a kiss against his lips.
"Wow, neither can I. I made you an appointment for a physical tomorrow, so you can talk to the doctor tomorrow."
"Let's skip dinner," Angela seductively suggested.
"But do you think that's a good idea-skipping a meal?"
"What about having dessert first," she asked, smiling and leading him by his hand towards the steps.
*****
"You want me to come in with you?" Tony asked. He had insisted on driving her in, and then he wasn't sure he could let go of her hand.
"Um.It's a full physical, Tony. There are some things you just don't need to see." Angela smiled nervously and then winked at him.
She had felt better since their dinner and evening alone. The mere idea of having a baby with Tony had her on cloud 9.
As she changed into the paper robe in the examination room, she let her hand rest on her stomach a few seconds longer than she had intended, willing her body to give her a sign.
"Angela! How you feelin?" Dr Gladstone found his way to his chair, clipboard in hand.
"Well, my.boyfriend," she nearly choked on the word; "my boyfriend and I were wondering if maybe I am pregnant." She grinned, unable to maintain her excitement.
"And why would you think that?" He asked in an all too serious tone.
"Well, I've not had a period in about.three months. I've been emotional, and gaining weight.And I got a zit last week-my hormones are totally out of whack." She'd never been as proud of a zit as she was now.
"How old are you now?"
"I'll be 41 soon," she said, wondering why he was being so cynical.
"And have you experienced any spotting or bleeding?"
"No, nothing. That's why we." the look she gave him was asking what he was getting at.
"I don't think you're pregnant," he said simply, and then moved to take her blood pressure.
"Oh," she said, wondering what he was getting at.
"I think you're perimenopausal," he finished.
"Excuse me?"
"You're starting menopause. Early stages of menopause have probably set in. You're hormones will be on a rollercoaster ride, and you're going to be feeling a little delicate. You've probably noticed a change in your eating habits, and you've noticed a craving for perhaps sweets or carbohydrates."
"I always want candy and pasta-my boyfriend's Italian!"
"Point is, you're in the early stages of menopause-you might as well sit back and try to stay as normal as possible, despite the changes. I'll give you a prescription for some estrogen supplements, or you can take the pill, and those will make you feel better."
As the doctor wrote out the prescription, Angela just sat on the table trying to fight back the tears, and preparing herself to talk to Tony.
This was going to kill him.
*****
"So, how'd it go?" Tony leapt to his feet to greet her.
"Alright. The standard poking and prodding, some questions, and a prescription." She couldn't even force a smile. Angela was beyond that point.
"Prescription?" He hadn't expected that-he had anticipated good news from the start. He had never thought that they could get less than good news.
"Yeah, just for hormones and stuff," she said as she took his hand and led him from the office. "Let's get going. We'll talk in the car."
"Eh oh, what's to talk about? If there's something we need to discuss, I'd rather not doing while operating a vehicle!" It was his attempt at cute, but it failed miserably. He couldn't be cute-he was too scared.
"Well, let's talk in the car, or wait til we get home, okay?" He wasn't used to seeing her eyes so narrowed, or her head held so low. Angela was confident. She was strong willed and her will was unwavering. "It's bad, huh?"
"Please." Angela pled as they rode the elevator down to the parking garage.
The rest of the walk was silent, neither sure that they could bring themselves to discuss anything other than what they had been thinking about. The idea of having a baby was too firmly implanted in their hearts, and whatever could stand in the way of that seemed too insurmountable of an object.
As Tony opened the passenger door of the Jag, Angela laughed. "Remember what we went through when you had this thing painted red?"
"I was Mr. Belvedere for a while. I'm glad we fixed that."
"So am I. You looked so funny in that cream colored suit jacket and a white dress shirt. And calling me ma'am. Eck!" She couldn't believe how prominently that memory had featured for her.
"Master Jonathon...That was a cute touch, if I do say so myself."
Angela began to laugh hysterically at the thought, remembering the accent that he had used to cover his Brooklyn slang and how he had walked so stiffly-a sight to behold.
"We've had some crazy times, haven't we?" It wasn't that long ago, she thought.
"We have. We're going to have tones more, I promise you. Remember when you taught me to swim, so I could compete with Billy in that swim meet?" Tony laughed uncontrollably, vaguely remembering how silly he felt, and how hideous his bright yellow swim trunks were.
It was only a moment before Angela joined him in laughing, and another few seconds until her laughter turned into tears.
"Eh, oh, oh eh!" Tony leaned in closer to her. "What's going on?"
"You deserve someone who can give you everything you deserve. You should be with someone so much." younger than me, she wanted to say, but instead she rethought. "So much more to offer than me." She wasn't sure how to say it-how to tell him that she couldn't have any more children, and that he wouldn't be able to nurture another child like he had Billy, Sam or Jonathon as long as he was with her.
"I don't want anything but you. I don't even deserve you, but that won't stop me from trying to make you happy." Running his hands over the length of her thighs, he was trying to figure out what was happening.
"I can't.I'm not able to give you what you need," she said, before bursting into another fit of tears.
"Shhhh," Tony said, pulling her body against his own. "You are everything I need and more-don't ever doubt that."
"I'm not pregnant," she whispered, wishing she didn't have to give life to the words.
"The doctor? He told you that?" Searching her brown eyes, he had never had to try so hard to read her emotions. He couldn't tell what she was feeling.
"He said that I'm heading into menopause, and that I should just go along with it, instead of fighting it," she managed to get out between gasps for breath.
"Did he do tests or anything?"
"He ran some, but we don't know the results yet," she tried to compose herself as she spoke, wiping the tears from her face and settling into the car seat.
"Well, let's go home, and we'll talk there, okay?"
"Do you hate me?"
He looked at her, aghast at the idea.
"How could I ever hate you?" Pressing a kiss to her hand, he closed the door and walked around to the driver's side.
They had a lot of talking to do.
****
The car ride had been mostly silent. Angela was trying to think of an easy out for Tony-some way to let him walk away from her without feeling guilty. He shouldn't feel guilty about it, she had decided. He couldn't change what he wanted for life, and he couldn't have made her any younger.
Tony tried to concentrate on the road, but every so often he would drift over to look at Angela, and wish that he could make it all better for her. He wanted to tell her that no matter what, even if they couldn't have a baby together, they could be happy together. He just hadn't come up with anything more convincing to tell her than just that.
When they pulled into the driveway, Angela made a dash for the house, clutching her stomach. He followed behind her, trying to allow her some space, but not wanting to be so far away that he couldn't help her if he needed.
Finally, reaching the bathroom Angela curled her body around the toilet as she heaved, wishing that she didn't feel like such a wreck. If she felt better, she told herself, she could make this easier on Tony. That's what she needed to do.
"I'm fine," she managed, in between a cough and gagging again. She didn't sound too convincing, but she didn't want Tony to worry.
"Yeah, right." Pressing a damp face cloth across her neck, he held her hair out of the way as she continued to be sick. "I wish I could make this better for you. Really."
Angela had fallen asleep in the bathroom, on the floor. It wasn't until he was certain she was asleep that Tony decided to pick her up and carry her to the room.
She was exhausted-she looked it too. Everything about her demeanor had slowed down, and she just wasn't her old self.
IF this is what menopause was going to do to her, Tony thought, he'd have to find ways to lighten her load, and make her more comfortable when she was home. He couldn't bear to see her so run down, and emotional.
Tucking her into the bed, he crawled in beside her and rest his palm flat against her stomach. Quietly, he began to talk to her, wishing that he had the nerve to tell her everything when she was awake.
"I wish, more than anything, I could tell you this face to face. I mean, I love you so much, that the idea of living without you kills me. I can't imagine anyone ever being with you, except for me. It's like, we're meant to be together. And if we're not meant to have a baby, no matter how exciting the idea was, it doesn't matter because I have you. If we really want to, we can adopt, and if we really, really want to, we can get a dog. I don't care, as long as I get to wake up next to you. I love you." Tears were rolling down his face as he buried his face against Angela's shoulder. Had he been watching her, he would have seen tears running down her face as well.
When Tony woke up, Angela wasn't in bed beside him. He instantly panicked, worried that she was ill again, or worse that she was having an emotional breakdown.
Checking first in the bathroom and then racing down to the living room, his heart was about to beat out of his chest. She had been such a mess before and now to be alone?
When he flung open the door to the kitchen, he wasn't expecting to see her sitting at the table, sipping coffee from her favorite mug.
"Hey," she said quietly.
"Hey."
"Why are you out of breath?"
"I took the stairs too fast." Sitting down in the chair next to her, he tried to discretely appraise her mood.
"I'm feeling better," she offered.
"I'm glad-you were lookin' pretty rough before," he said, wondering if she was just saying that to make him feel better.
"My stomach's calmed down, and I'm feeling.normal again." Angela continued to sip her coffee and play with the handle of her mug. "Thank you for earlier."
Tony wished she'd look at him. He needed to see that she was really doing better, and by avoiding eye contact, he couldn't tell. He forced a half smile and then got up from the table to get himself a juice. "You know, if you're not comfortable with Dr Gladstone's diagnosis, why don't you get a second opinion?"
"Oh, Tony, I just don't know. He's been our doctor for.almost ten years. I trust him. I just think it's a bitter pill to swallow." She paused and then looked up at him, leaning against the counter. "I never really gave much thought to having another baby but then when we thought.It just felt so right. And then to go in and be practically told I'm crazy."
"Did he do a pregnancy test?"
"No, he just tested my estrogen levels, did some blood tests, and gave me a requisition for a bone density test."
"Okay, well, maybe menopause and pregnancy are, you know, kinda similar. I ain't no woman, but I've known enough pregnant ones to have been convinced you could be." Tony sat back down in his chair and took her hand in his.
"DO I dare ask what you're saying?"
"I'm saying, let's get a second opinion. Let's get one of those home test kits and let's do it!"
"Do you really think there's a chance we'll get a different answer?" Angela was afraid to be too hopeful.
"Well, there's always a chance. I think that if you're this upset about his diagnosis, you owe it to yourself to get another opinion." Squeezing her hand, he was happy to see a glimmer of the old Angela hiding underneath.
"Yeah, we should. Should we start with the test, and then see what it says?"
"Sure," he said, "Do you want me to go and pick one up?"
"Let's go together." Angela stood up, and headed towards the door, shocking Tony that she wanted to go right away. "Well, why wait, right?"
****
The drugstore trip was slightly nerve-wrecking as they walked along the feminine hygiene isle, and then towards the pregnancy tests. There must have been half a dozen boxes on the shelves, and they all had different ways of telling you the news.
One said to look for a blue line as a positive, the other said to look for a pink dot. One said five minutes, one said twenty. The five minute one cost six dollars more, but it seemed like a reasonable extra expense considering the waiting period, and how torturous it would be.
Finally, having chosen a blue line, five minute, compact box test, Tony led Angela through the isles and to the counter, paying quickly and then returning to the car.
"You'd think they'd make one that worked faster," Tony said, as Angela walked out of the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind her.
Five minutes-300 seconds. Too long, now matter how he thought about it.
"At least it's not longer," she said, resting in the spot beside him. "They should make those sticks a little bigger though."
"Why?" Tony stared at the bathroom door, never wavering.
"Because you try peeing on something ten times smaller than a dime!" She flopped backwards on the bed and looked at her watch. "Three minutes, forty-five seconds."
"We should probably talk before we go back in there. Ya know, about how we feel and what our next step is."
"We're either buying baby clothes or we're picking up estrogen supplements." Angela reached for his hand, encouraging him to lay back with her.
When he did finally lay back, she rolled on to her side and wrapped her arm around his waist. "I love you, and I know that we're forever-nothing can change that. If I can't have your baby, I was hoping we could adopt, or maybe try surrogacy."
"If tht would make you happy too, I would like that," he strewed his arm across her middle, his fingers stroking the skin revealed from the parting of her pants and her sweater.
"It would," she smiled, the first genuine smile she had been able to muster since the doctor's office.
"And Angela." Tony had wanted to make this special-to do it right-and for some reason he couldn't imagine any way more right than that time and place. "Can we start making wedding plans?"
"Wow.Tony!"
"I don't have a ring yet-I tried to pick one, but none of the ones I saw were, ya know, the perfect ring for you. I do want to marry you, though." He'd looked into her eyes, past the tears that had begun to shed, and knew her answer.
"I am too lucky to have you," she said, leaning in for a tender, slow kiss.
"No, I am the lucky one-you are the most amazing woman I have ever met." His lips, only inches away from hers from the last kiss, moved in against hers.
"So we're getting marred," Angela stated.
"Yep. And we're building our lives together." Stroking her arm, Tony moved in closer yet, their bodies perfectly flush.
"And in a minute, we'll find out if we're having a baby," Angela quietly spoke, basking in the warmth of his touch.
"are we going to look together?" He didn't want to pressure her into anything at all, for fear of upsetting her.
"OF course," she hesitated for a moment. "But I want you to remember that whatever it says, we're going to be honest about how we feel about the results."
A part of her hadn't completely let go of a baby, and now that she had done the pregnancy test, she was afraid it would confirm what Doctor Gladstone had said.
"Ready?"
"Yeah," Angela barely managed to say. "Time's up."
*****
The stick was teetering ominously on the sink ledge, and from the doorway, it looked so insignificant.
Tony grasped Angela's hand firmly, worried that the result would be negative, and send her back into an emotional tailspin.
"Little things shouldn't be so scary," she said as she let go and approached the stick. Tony stood back in shock, proud that she was meeting her fear head on, but also increasingly nervous.
"What's a yes again?" Angela asked Tony.
"A blue line is a yes, and anything else is a no."
When she seemed unfazed by his answer, Tony stepped closer and planned on wrapping his arms around her, sure of the result.
"Here," Angela said, offering him the stick.
Looking down, Tony was in a state of shock. "We're pregnant!"
"We are," she beamed. "There's going to be a junior Micelli running around here."
In almost no time at all, Tony had his arms around Angela and they were laughing excitedly.
"We're having a baby," Tony proudly announced again.
"A baby.yes we are, aren't we?" Angela stepped back and placed her hand over her abdomen. "We made someone, and they're growing right here," she remarked, once again flowing.
"They are going to be the most remarkable little person ever." Tony couldn't stop smiling. "We should get you another appointment with a different doctor, and I want to get your ring."
"We can wait for the ring Tony. Just knowing we're getting married.That makes me very happy."
"I want every man to know that the most beautiful ad exec in America is spoken for, and that our relationship is forever." Tony blushed, not intending to tell Angela how jealous he could be, and how lucky he saw himself.
"What about after the appointment? We'll go look then, okay?"
"Okay," Tony agreed, hugging her again.
*****
The second appointment went much better than the first-the doctor (Tony's doctor), listened to Angela's symptoms and did the test. The results would be twenty-four hours, he had told them, but he felt confident that between the results of the home test and the symptoms she was describing, that it too would be positive.
"Should we look at rings now," Tony asked, hoping that they could stop at the jewelry store on the way home. She had said that she would, but he didn't want to push her. If she wasn't feeling well, or if it was moving too fast for her to do that, he would wait.
"Sure, but I will forewarn you, I don't want much." She looked over, seeing that he was slightly disappointed by that. "I had a huge ring when I was with Michael, and I had a huge diamond to show off, and that, uh, didn't last. I don't need that this time-it's just that you love me that matters."
He had been saving money for ages, just to buy her the perfect ring. Well, actually the money had started off as a rainy day fund, and then a 'birthday' fund, and when they started dating, he was certain that they would be married. It had become a 'diamond' fund in a matter of days. No matter what kind of fund it was, he didn't want her to get a ring that wasn't befitting of her, no matter what her excuse.
"Well, we'll see. You might see the perfect ring, and it might be something other than what you expect."
When they arrived at the jewelers, he quickly led her to the engagement/wedding section, and began asking about what she wanted. What cut? What colour? What kind of prism , did she want? Did she want a ring that was traditional, or something more contemporary?
"Tony, I don't know what I want-really. I have no clue. Let's just look. If we find it, we find it, and if we don't.we'll keep looking." Angela began to glance through the cases. Rows of diamonds were perfectly organized, and not one was appealing to her.
"Can I help you, ma'am?" A pouty looking woman from behind the counter looked up and down Angela, finally deciding that she must have the money to shop there, and begin her sales pitch. "We have some of the highest quality diamonds on the eastern seaboard."
"That's good to know," Angela said dismissively as she wandered further along the display.
"Angela, how 'bout this one?" Tony asked, as he pointed through the glass to something.
As she made her way around to where he was standing, she carefully eyed the case. "Which one," she asked, marveling at more than one of the non- traditional settings in front of her.
"That one," he said eyes wide. "Can we see that, please?"
The saleslady opened the case and passed Tony the ring at which he had been pointing-a perfect sapphire and diamond engagement band. At least a dozen tiny sapphires and diamonds were carefully set in a band of gold, and behind it rested a regal looking pear shaped diamond band, flanked by two sapphires.
"Those are remarkable."
"They are, what do you really think of them? Could you live with those for the rest of your life?" Tony grinned, convinced he was finally making headway.
"They're too much-way too much. Maybe we should keep looking." She continued to walk, wanting nothing more than to turn around and tell him how much he loved them. But he couldn't afford those, and she didn't need anything that extravagant. Angela just wanted to be married to him, and she wanted the doctor to call her and say that she was indeed pregnant.
"Eh, oh, Angela, do you like 'em?" When she didn't turn around, and didn't answer, Tony knew the truth. She had fallen in love with the rings too, which meant that she was going to have them no matter what. "We'll take them," he announced, and then took the wad of cash from his pocket.
"Tony! Where'd you get that?" Angela stared at him in awe.
"I've saved it, over the years. When ever I had extra money, I put it away, and this is what's left." He had 3900 dollars in his pocket, and he wouldn't have been carrying it except he knew that he wanted to buy her ring, and he wanted to give her it right away. He was nervous, he was anxious, but at least he was sure he wanted her to have the ring, and he wanted it to be the perfect ring.
"That's quite the savings," Angela remarked, still shocked. "Tony, you can't spend that on me! I wouldn't feel right."
"Once we're married, everything I own is as good as yours anyway, and you already have me, so what's some money?" Tony was trying to sound convincing, not sure if even he could justify that much money going out all at once, were it for anyone else.
"It's a lot of money Tony, and it could be better spent on something- anything-else. I love you so much, you could get my ring from a gumball machine, and I'd be okay with it!"
"We're getting 'em," Tony said decisively.
*****
Sitting on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms, Tony and Angela watched the evening news, hoping that the doctor would call them back, and tell them the final verdict.
She had been ill today as well, although not as badly as she had been in the previous days. For the first time since everything had started to change, Angela was able to cope with the sickness, and the discomfort. Tony was there for her, and always would be, and no matter what the diagnosis, she knew that they would figure out a way to fill the void.
Still, she felt somewhat hollow at the thought of not being pregnant, but she refused to let that run her life.
"You still thinking about the phone call?"
"Yeah," Angela admitted.
"Well, they're open another two hours. There's always a chance he'll call tonight, right?" Tony had been trying to keep calm and collected, but he wasn't sure if he could.
They still hadn't seen any of the family, so they weren't able to share their good news with them. It was frustrating, Angela concluded, to be so happy, and yet so incapable of sharing it with anyone. But even then she remembered that she had Tony, the source of her happiness, and that it didn't matter.
As if heaven sent, the phone rang and Angela reached over Tony to get the receiver.
"Hello?" A moment of silence. "This is she. Yes.yes.okay, thank you. Um, yeah, I'll do that tomorrow, if that's alright. Thank you. Yes, thanks. Bye."
"So? Was it them?" Tony asked anxiously.
"Yes, it was."
"And?"
"We're having a baby!" Angela squealed.
Throwing his arms around her, he couldn't believe how lucky they had gotten. Not only had they fallen in love, and been best of friends, but they were engaged, and she was carrying his child.
"I love you so much," he said as he pressed a kiss against her temple.
"I love you too! And now this? This is amazing." Angela let her hand rest on her stomach, only to be joined by Tony's a second later. "I don't mind this kind of fat at all," she laughed.
"You are the most beautiful woman in the world, and I can't believe that you're mine," he said quietly as he leaned in and kissed her softly.
"Well believe it, we're yours," she whispered, initiating another kiss.
"We're going to have to relocate this, I think."
"Mmmm, yeah, might be a good idea," Angela grinned as she stood and led him to the stairs.
The End