Again
Ch 2 – Lost
~by Mako-chan
Disclaimer: Yada-yada. I don't own Spirited Away. Didn't we already go through this?
Bring! Bring!
"Hello?"
"Mak?"
"Hello Sen."
"Can we talk?"
"Go ahead."
"No, I mean face-to-face. Can we meat somewhere?"
"I guess."
"Um…I'll come over. Unless that's not okay."
"No, that's fine."
"I'll see you in a few minuets then."
"Yeah."
I stopped by the souvenir shop where we'd met on the way over. I bought one of the Japan guidebooks I'd caught him coveting a month ago. He'd get a kick out of it.
On the way over, gift tucked safely under arm, I thought carefully about what I was going to say. Our relationship had ended awkwardly. I wanted to settle things, to put a definite end to the whole affaire.
"Hey Sen." Mark smiled as he opened the door. I remembered Haku's smile. "Come in."
"Here." I offered him the book before coming in.
"Oh, you didn't have to." He took it anyways. "I mean, I know it's tradition or what not, but you really didn't have to."
"I know. I wanted to."
He looked at it and smiled. Then he laughed. "Cute, Sen. I love it."
We walked to his couch and sat down.
"Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea or anything. I didn't come over to try and make up."
He looked suddenly relieved, which made me mad. At least Haku had the decency to look sad when I left him. Not that we were even going out in the first place.
"I just wanted to apologize. That guy you saw me with, he's an old friend of mine. An old, um, boyfriend. I guess I was using you. Either to make him jealous or to prove I'd gotten over him, or something. I'm not really sure."
I looked up. Mark didn't seem the least bit angry or annoyed.
"Uh, well, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry. And it's not like the other guy was the only reason I went out with you. But you're right; it wasn't really working out between us."
"I understand, I guess. No hard feelings, okay?"
"Yeah."
I couldn't believe it! I'd just admitted to him that I'd used him, treated him like an object, and lied to him for the past month! He wasn't even a tiny bit sad or angry. He looked happy! I shifted nervously on the couch.
"Well, I guess I'd better go."
We both got up and stood in awkward silence.
"Well, good luck with what's-his-name."
"It's Haku. His name's Haku. And it's defiantly over between us."
"Oh, right. Uh, bye."
He hugged me, out of habit I guess. I didn't mind too much. Then I saw it, hanging by a peg on the door.
"Hey, isn't that Emi's coat?"
Mark spun around and caught sight of the offending garment. "Uh… Well, see, she was here earlier and uh, I mean, she was real worried about you cause you were acting all weird and stuff, you know?" He walked over and took the coat off the hook. "Here." He held it out to me and offered a tentative smile. "Maybe you should take it. I won't see her again for a while, right?"
"Uh, yeah, sure." I took the coat and smiled. "See you at school." I waved goodbye and left the apartment. Mark nervously watched my departure.
I walked slowly on the way home, mind working furiously. Mark obviously had an interest in Emi. He'd shown more interest in her coat than in me breaking up with him. That would explain his odd behavior and the sudden breakup. The question was did Emi share his sentiments?
~*~*~*~
"Emi!"
I raced across the college hall to my friend. She smiled.
"Hey, Sen. Decided to come to school today?"
"Yeah. I figured I'd better learn something since my parents are paying for all this."
"You don't have to leech off your parents. You could get a job like me."
We laughed as we walked out of the school together. It'd been a long time since I'd had a chance to laugh.
"So, uh, Mark said you talked about the Haku thing. He said you said it was over?"
"Yeah. Listen, Emi, I'm really sorry for yelling at you like that. It wasn't your fault or anything. It's just, well, I-"
"Oh, whatever. Just forget about it. It's fine."
My good mood vanished when I saw the blush on my friends' cheek. A blush that wasn't for our fight the other day, but for Mark. We walked along under the ugly dark autumn clouds, leaning against the wind.
"Maybe we should go out for lunch," Emi suggested.
"Only if you're paying, Miss I've-got-a-job."
"No way. I'm broke. Don't you have any money, Miss I'm-bumming-off-my-parents?"
"Nope."
"Well, we've got to eat something."
"We could just go home and have some nice, sensible sandwiches."
"All right. Lead the way, Sen."
Back in my one-bedroom apartment, Emi and I fixed humble sandwiches and watched silly game shows. Emi moved about nervously as we fixed our lunch. In fact, she was more nervous than she really should have been.
"So Sen, what should we watch?"
"Oh…whatever. You pick something. I'm going to go get a drink."
"Okay."
I felt a slight pang of regret as I opened the refrigerator door and saw the milk Haku had saved from spoiling.
"Sen? You okay?" I looked up. Emi stood over me with a quizzical look on her face.
"Huh? Yeah. Why?"
"Well, you're just standing there, staring in the fridge."
"Oh." I closed the door, then quickly opened it again and pulled out the milk jug.
"What were you thinking about?" Emi asked.
"Nothing."
"Oh." Emi walked back into the living room, clearly puzzled.
And then it hit me. I guess I'd always known, even Mark's apartment, but something in me simply didn't want to admit it. Emi and Mark didn't want me to know they liked each other. They didn't want me to find out they'd been dating. I almost laughed. How could I have missed it? My boyfriend and my best friend, and I was so preoccupied with Haku I hadn't even noticed. Not until now.
I carried my drink into the living area. A couple of guys were doing a bungee jumping stunt for a mere million yen. I shuddered. The money wasn't nearly good enough in my opinion.
We ate in silence for a while. I could tell I was making Emi nervous. I kept staring at her, wondering how long she'd been going behind my back. Finally she put down her plate, turned around, and looked me in the eye.
"What do you want?"
"Oh, I was just wondering how long you and Mak have been going out."
Her eyes grew huge and she looked surprised and terrified, and a bit angry, all at the same time. "Sen, I uh…how…when did you find out?"
"Yesterday. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not quite as dumb as you both think. So how long has this been going on?"
"Look, you didn't even like him. Everyone could tell."
"Doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing. You just don't go around dating your best friend's boyfriend!"
"Well-"
"How long?"
She sighed. "Maybe two weeks ago."
"I see." We sat in silence for a while. After about three minutes I got up and fished Emi's coat out of the closet. "Here. You left this at Mak's house. I think it's about time for you to go home now."
She got up and took the coat from me, then left without another word, giving me an evil look as she went.
I sighed and carried our dishes into the kitchen. About halfway through cleaning up I finally broke down and cried.
~*~*~*~
I ended up back at the café. Some how everything happened at that café. I half expected Haku to show up. Part of me really wanted to see him again, to run to him and apologize. The other part of me wanted to see him again, too. The other part of me wanted to punch him in the face.
Haku. He started this whole thing. He couldn't have just come out and talked to me. No, he had to sneak around, make me paranoid, and ruin my relationship with two good friends. And with him. And why did he wait eleven years to keep his promise? It was all Haku's fault, yet I still really wanted to see him.
"Can I sit here?"
Haku?! No. I looked up and saw Emi. She seemed sad.
I stared silently at my cup. She sat anyway.
"So, um, are you going home for the fall break next week?"
I hadn't really thought about it, but a week at home sounded nice.
"Uh, I think I'll probably to stay here. But, like, there's not much to do here, ya know?"
Did she think I'd just forget about everything if she made small talk?
"I'm sorry, Sen. Really. Please-"
I wasn't going to listen to this, the ramblings of a stranger. I stood up and left, never looking back.
~*~*~*~
Bring! Bring!
The phone was ringing. What did I care? The machine would get it.
Bring! Bring! Beep!
Sen? Sen, pick up. It's me, Emi. Come on Sen, I know you're there. Okay, fine, but just listen to me. I'm really sorry. I – we never meant to hurt you. Please pick up, Sen. I'm-
The machine cut her off. Good. I was getting sick of listening to that slut. I hugged my pillow closer. Perhaps a week at my parents would be good for me.
~*~*~*~
Mother was excited to hear from me, and very glad that I wanted to spend my vacation time with her.
"But what about your friend," she asked. "What was her name, Emiko?"
I paused, glad that Mom couldn't see my expression over the phone. "Uh, well, she's going to spend time with her family, too."
"Oh, I was hoping you'd bring her along. It's always been so hard for you to make friends. I'm glad you found a nice girl like Emiko."
"Yeah." I forced myself to sound cheerful. "She's great. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to pick me up, okay? My train gets there at two."
"I won't forget. Bye Chihiro."
"Bye Mom."
~*~*~*~
Emi was waiting for me at the station. I'll never know how she knew to be there.
"Sen, please. Can we talk?"
"Excuse me. I'm going to miss my train."
"No you won't." She paused and took a deep breath. "Mark told me what you said to him. How can you get mad at me when you did something like that to Mark?"
I was just going to walk away, but her words hit a bit close to home. They made me angry, defensive.
"I didn't mean to hurt him," I screamed. "And I didn't! He didn't even care! Did he tell you that? Did he say 'Yeah and when she was done I just sat and smiled like a moron?' How dare you try to make me feel guilty! As far as you knew I really liked Mak, and you went ahead and dated him anyway."
"I-"
"I don't want to hear it. I don't care. I hate you!"
How pathetic. I was throwing a fit in public, like a small child. But I didn't care. I ran away.
"Sen!"
Emi chased me for a while, but once I found the right train and got on she couldn't follow me.
~*~*~*~
Going home was a mistake. My old home, the blue house on the hill, held many memories of the Abura-ya. I could look out my bedroom window and see the woods that contained the rundown theme park. If I looked carefully, I could even see the road we took when we got lost.
So I didn't look out my window. In fact, I tried as much as possible not to even not to even stay in the house. After quickly unpacking, I went out, visiting old friends, seeing all the familiar places, and reacquainting myself with the town. My parents and I even went out to dinner in one of the towns few nice restaurants.
But that night, alone in my old room, I wandered unconsciously over to the window and gazed out. The memory of why I was home, again, came flooding back. I'd been pushing it away all day. My chest felt constricted and I struggled to breath without crying. I wasn't some stupid, naïve little girl who cried over everything.
Someone knocked on my door. "Chihiro, dear, can I come in?"
"Yeah, Mom."
She came in and sat on the edge of my bed with me. She held a small brown package in one hand. "It's a nice night out, isn't it?"
"Uh-huh."
"I saw something strange the other night."
"What?"
"Well, I'm not sure. I could have sworn it was a silver dragon."
"A dragon?"
"Yeah. Saw it twice." She smiled and rubbed her eyes with one hand. "Ah, I must be seeing things in my old age."
"You're not that old, Mom."
"Oh, but I feel old." She paused and stared out the window. "It was probably just a plane or something."
"You never know, it may have been a real dragon."
"Come on, Chihiro. Dragons aren't real."
"They might be."
Mom looked at me with a strange little smile. "You haven't believed in those fairy tales since you were a little girl."
I shrugged. "They're only fairy tales when you stop believing in them."
"That's quite a philosophical statement, coming from you, Chihiro."
"Yeah, well…" I shrugged again. "It's true."
Mom gave me the strange look again. "What's gotten into you?"
"Uh, nothing."
She sighed. "Here." She put the brown package in my lap. "I know you said to toss it out, but I saved it anyways."
"Oh. Thanks."
As I started to open it, Mom stood and left. It was wrapped in plain brown paper, tied with brown string. A long time ago I'd drawn pink and red hearts all over it. Inside were layers and layers of pure white tissue paper. I peeled away the layers, one by one, until I thought the whole package was nothing but tissue paper. Finally, I reached the middle and lifted out a sparkling, purple hair-tie.
A hair-tie, made with love by No-Face, Bou, Granny, and Yu-baba's bird.
~*~*~*~
Bring! Bring!
"Moshi-moshi." I answered the phone late the next afternoon in a sleepy state of relaxation. I was doing my job as a vacationer, thoroughly enjoying a day full of nothing to do.
"Sen?' It was Emi. She'd been crying.
All the anger and uncertainty of the day before came rushing back. I said nothing.
"He's dead, Sen," Emi sobbed.
"What? Who?" Shock broke my self-imposed vow of silence.
"Mark. He's dead. He was supposed to meet me at the station yesterday. To see you. But he got hit by a car. Sen, it was awful." She stopped talking, trying to get control over her voice again. "He died about an hour ago."
I felt all my anger, all my uncertainty, all my confutation, everything drain out of me as she talked. All of my emotions simply left, leaving behind a cold emptiness that gripped my insides and made me want to collapse in on myself. I couldn't breath. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think.
"Sen? Sen, are you still there? Sen, say something. I'm sorry. Sen, please talk to me!" Emi was crying and screaming at me, but her words simply didn't register in my mind. "Fine! Don't talk! We're having a service for him at the college tomorrow, if you even care." She spat her words at me through the phone, full of hate and despair, and then she hung up.
I let the phone fall from my grasp and walked slowly, zombie like, to my room.
"Chihiro?" my mom called. "Are you still on the phone?"
Couldn't think. Couldn't talk.
"Chihiro?"
Mom knocked on my door, but I didn't even hear her. I just sat on my bed staring silently out the window. At the forest.
~*~*~*~
A little after dinner time, Mom came back and knocked on my door.
"Chihiro, honey? Are you okay?" She opened the door and came in to find me still sitting on the bed. She sat next to me. "Chihiro, what's wrong?"
"Mak died." I surprised myself by sounding calm. I was still empty.
"Oh, Chihiro. I'm so sorry." She started to hug me, but I pulled away.
"He was cheating on me. With Emi. A week, two weeks after I met him, they started." I talked without thinking, like and actor reciting for a play. "At the station, before I left, Emi was there. She was trying to apologize, but I wouldn't listen to her. Mak was supposed to come, too, but he got in an accident. It's my fault. It's my fault he died." Tears formed behind my eyes. My chest felt constricted. I was hot and cold at the same time, shivering in confusion. My head swam. I couldn't think. I couldn't see. I could only talk. But the more I talked, the sicker I felt. Still, I couldn't stop. "He was coming to see me, to apologize. I wouldn't have listened to him, anyways. If I hadn't been so…so stupid and so stubborn this whole thing wouldn't have happened. But I wouldn't listen to them, Mom. I was mad at him and now he's dead."
I couldn't talk around the lump forming in my throat so I simply put my head down on her shoulder and cried. I cried quietly and my whole body shook with suppressed sobs.
Mom put her arm around me and kissed the top of my head. "It's okay," she whispered soothingly.
It's okay. But it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing! Mark was dead. Haku had disappeared again. Emi wouldn't talk to me. My mother was clueless. Nothing was right! And it was all my fault! I stood up suddenly, breaking out of my mother's embrace. Mom tried to comfort me, but I wouldn't have it. She couldn't do anything. She couldn't understand. I ran.
"Chihiro, wait!"
But I didn't listen to her. I couldn't. My heart was pounding in my ears; hot tears welled up behind my eyes, some spilling over; my head swam. And I ran. Down the stairs, through the house, out the door, into the trees, I ran.
I put everything into that one simple action. I ran as fast and as hard as I could, without thinking. Without thinking about Mark or Emi or Haku. Without thinking about the dark forest or the branches scratching me or the house shoes making me stumble or the cold night wind on my bare arms.
I ran with a single-minded desperation, tears spilling over and leaving wet trails down my cheeks. My foot hit a rock. I stumbles a few more steps, then fell. I looked around in the darkness, completely lost.
Darkness all around me. Trees everywhere. Everywhere! No matter where I looked it was just more trees, more night. I couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't run, couldn't find my way home.
I was cold, sad, angry, confused, scared, hurt, lost, and completely alone.
End Ch 2