Lana
Emptiness. pain. Selfishness. It's all that's left. That feeling you have inside your stomache, that's what it's made of. May it's not your stomache that you feel it in, but it sure seems like it, because at that point, it's where your heart is...The pit of your stomache.
Why was I so naive? Better yet, how could I have been so naive. It's not a question, so don't think there's an answer. It was all in front of my eyes, all laid out so clear. Yet I was blind, and still, none of it makes any sense.
The way we'd go to the waterfront and walk along the shores, finally settling down together on a giant old log, gazing up at the beautiful night sky, all the stars clear as day. So peaceful, so romantic, so sweet...So everything. His black coat resting on my shoulders, his arms wrapped snuggly around my waist and his chin settled atop my head.
Snuggling on the couch, wrapped up in a gorgeous persian comforter keeping us warm from the chilled black leather couch be- neath us. I remember it so perfectly, like it was yesterday. '13 Ghosts' was what we were watching.
Now, it wasn't really a scary movie, but I'd still grab him tighter each time there was a dramatic pause. Any excuse to get close to him was good enough for me. It's all I wanted. To take him away and hide him from the rest of the world. He would be mine, and only mine.
And that's how it was. The movie ended, the credits started to roll and we started to kiss. Thigns got passionet and hot, and some how the dark leather turned to white carpet and them to silk sheets. Him on top, me on the bottom.
It wasn't my first time with a man, but it seemed like it and I wish it was. He was so much better than the others before him. Better than anyone else I had ever been with. Not only experienced, but he knew all the right moves. All the right spots. All the right...Wrongs.
I never wanted it to end, but as everything does, it eventually followed. So did that night. I slipped on my underwear, pulled up my snug jeans. I eventually found my bra and pulled on my tee shirt. He grabbed his keys, and took me home. MY aunt was already asleep, so my guilty face didn't give me away like I thought it would've.
From time to time we saw more of each other, each time a bit more surreal than the last. It was official. I had fallen head-over-heels for this man. I'm not sure why or how, I just did somewhere in the midst of it all. And now, well...I don't know why I did or why I still am. Especially after tonight.
All the things he said about 'real' relationships, and what they meant. How he knew what was going on with this (conversation). He'd 'been' in situations liek this before. Not the same, but similar enough to know.
How could he have though? We were both still young. I don't think either one of us had ever been in a this-is-serious-we-might- get-hurt type of relationship before now. After all, I never had been, and he wasn't that much older than me.
Somehow it all came crashing down, the castle tumbling down. It was all gone in a split second...In an instant. I don't even remember what we were fighting about exactly, just the words he said.
"Why are you looking at me like your expecting me to say something?"
Not the worst he could have said, but in conjunction with the previous parts of the conversation, nothing could have hurt more than that. Nothing...Not a single thing.
Later, he took me home, pbviously still mad at me. Tears had stung my eyes throughout the night, now worse than ever...And nothing had been said since we left. Maybe that's why...He had yelled at me, and then silence followed. Black mascara was blurred around my eyes, mixed with my not-so-perfect-now eye liner. I got out of the car when we pulled into my driveway. So did he.
"Why didn't you just say no to me when we first met?" I asked.
For a moment he didn't answer, his blue eyes looking painful.
"Because, I liked you. You were cute, and cool and sweet and I wanted to know you better. I still do, I'm just not sure what you want from me."
With that, he blimbed back in the car, tossed me my house keys and sped away. Maybe :that: was the most painful thing he could have said. I don't know what he meant, or when I'll see him next. But I hope it's soon, and I hope it's better like before.
He may not be mine for the taking, but he sure as hell isn't anyone else's either. One say, I will find a way to win his heart back one-hundred percent. And then he will be all mine, and that's the way it should be. But for now, all I can do is lay my head on my pillow, and cry.
Emptiness. pain. Selfishness. It's all that's left. That feeling you have inside your stomache, that's what it's made of. May it's not your stomache that you feel it in, but it sure seems like it, because at that point, it's where your heart is...The pit of your stomache.
Why was I so naive? Better yet, how could I have been so naive. It's not a question, so don't think there's an answer. It was all in front of my eyes, all laid out so clear. Yet I was blind, and still, none of it makes any sense.
The way we'd go to the waterfront and walk along the shores, finally settling down together on a giant old log, gazing up at the beautiful night sky, all the stars clear as day. So peaceful, so romantic, so sweet...So everything. His black coat resting on my shoulders, his arms wrapped snuggly around my waist and his chin settled atop my head.
Snuggling on the couch, wrapped up in a gorgeous persian comforter keeping us warm from the chilled black leather couch be- neath us. I remember it so perfectly, like it was yesterday. '13 Ghosts' was what we were watching.
Now, it wasn't really a scary movie, but I'd still grab him tighter each time there was a dramatic pause. Any excuse to get close to him was good enough for me. It's all I wanted. To take him away and hide him from the rest of the world. He would be mine, and only mine.
And that's how it was. The movie ended, the credits started to roll and we started to kiss. Thigns got passionet and hot, and some how the dark leather turned to white carpet and them to silk sheets. Him on top, me on the bottom.
It wasn't my first time with a man, but it seemed like it and I wish it was. He was so much better than the others before him. Better than anyone else I had ever been with. Not only experienced, but he knew all the right moves. All the right spots. All the right...Wrongs.
I never wanted it to end, but as everything does, it eventually followed. So did that night. I slipped on my underwear, pulled up my snug jeans. I eventually found my bra and pulled on my tee shirt. He grabbed his keys, and took me home. MY aunt was already asleep, so my guilty face didn't give me away like I thought it would've.
From time to time we saw more of each other, each time a bit more surreal than the last. It was official. I had fallen head-over-heels for this man. I'm not sure why or how, I just did somewhere in the midst of it all. And now, well...I don't know why I did or why I still am. Especially after tonight.
All the things he said about 'real' relationships, and what they meant. How he knew what was going on with this (conversation). He'd 'been' in situations liek this before. Not the same, but similar enough to know.
How could he have though? We were both still young. I don't think either one of us had ever been in a this-is-serious-we-might- get-hurt type of relationship before now. After all, I never had been, and he wasn't that much older than me.
Somehow it all came crashing down, the castle tumbling down. It was all gone in a split second...In an instant. I don't even remember what we were fighting about exactly, just the words he said.
"Why are you looking at me like your expecting me to say something?"
Not the worst he could have said, but in conjunction with the previous parts of the conversation, nothing could have hurt more than that. Nothing...Not a single thing.
Later, he took me home, pbviously still mad at me. Tears had stung my eyes throughout the night, now worse than ever...And nothing had been said since we left. Maybe that's why...He had yelled at me, and then silence followed. Black mascara was blurred around my eyes, mixed with my not-so-perfect-now eye liner. I got out of the car when we pulled into my driveway. So did he.
"Why didn't you just say no to me when we first met?" I asked.
For a moment he didn't answer, his blue eyes looking painful.
"Because, I liked you. You were cute, and cool and sweet and I wanted to know you better. I still do, I'm just not sure what you want from me."
With that, he blimbed back in the car, tossed me my house keys and sped away. Maybe :that: was the most painful thing he could have said. I don't know what he meant, or when I'll see him next. But I hope it's soon, and I hope it's better like before.
He may not be mine for the taking, but he sure as hell isn't anyone else's either. One say, I will find a way to win his heart back one-hundred percent. And then he will be all mine, and that's the way it should be. But for now, all I can do is lay my head on my pillow, and cry.