Title: Another Day On the Enterprise
Chapter Title: Planet-fall
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: Enterprise
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.
*Scene: The Enterprise, gliding at a slow warp, approaches a star-system.
Archer begins, "Captains Log, Supplemental, the ship is now approaching Sri'Mastra Alpha, a Vulcan outpost, so we can pick-up supplies. Also, I notice that recently Porthos has been feeling a bit feverish. I will have to take him to see Dr. Phlox before the end of the day. Well, I need to go now. T'Pol has been yelling at me for hours about not getting to my duty shift in time. Jeez. End Log…"
2 minutes later, Archer walks on board the bridge and adjusts his uniform. He then sits down in the Captains Chair. "Report?"
T'Pol reports in, "We will be entering the Sri'Mastra system in only 47 seconds, and we will reach orbit in less then 3 minutes."
Mayweather also reports, "Captain, we are being hailed."
Archer responds, "Put it on aud…wait a minute, isn't communications Hoshi's job?"
Mayweather replies, "Actually it is sir…it just happens I was looking over at Hoshi when I noticed the 'We are being hailed' light was blinking."
Hoshi, straightening up, begins, "He's right captain, we are being hailed by the planet Sri'Mastra Prime. I'll put it on audio…"
Vulcan voices are heard, saying, "Unidentified vessel, identify yourselves in 30 seconds or be fired on. I repeat, this is the Sri'Mastra defensive array, you are entering unauthorized space…"
Archer jumps up, "T'Pol! I thought I told you to get our authorization papers filled out last night!"
T'Pol replies, "I am sorry Captain, but I do not recall you ever asking me to fill out our authorization papers last night. The entire day yesterday I was meditating in my quarters."
Reed interrupts, "Captain! The defense array is firing photon torpedoes!"
Archer begins giving orders, "Reed! Evasive maneuvers! Mayweather! Pull us out of warp! Sato! Hail the Sri'Mastra array!"
Hoshi stutters, "I can't raise the array! There's some kind of interference…the UT panel just blew out! I can't remember the four basic Vulcan syntaxes! WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Hoshi begins panting hard and choking.
T'Pol states, "Captain, it appears Ensign Hoshi is having another panic attack. I suggest I take her down to sickbay."
Archer replies, "Do it! Reed, how long until impact?"
Reed responds, "We only have 47 bloody seconds sir! The engines just can't outrun a Vulcan torpedo long enough!"
Trip beeps Archer. The seen shifts down to the engine room. "Cap'n I have an idea! I read somewhere that most torpedoes, including Vulcan torpedoes, trace ships by their faint Warp signatures!"
Archer looks about, "So what are you suggesting, Mr. Tucker? That we self- destruct the Warp core?"
Trip roles his eyes, "Well, actually Captain, your idea would blow up the whole ship. I was thinking we just eject the Warp core."
Archer responds, "Brilliant! Do it now!"
Engineering is barely evacuated in time and one luck-less ensign nearly gets his foot cut of by a lowering door. The Warp core is ejected just in time, blowing up only four seconds after being ejected.
Archer shouts, "Report!"
Reed begins, "Warp core destroyed, a single breech on the ships lower deck, hull damage on saucer underside, nacelles intact."
T'Pol sits herself down in the station formerly occupied by Hoshi. "Captain, I have been able to contact the Sri'Mastra Vulcan command station. They say they are sorry for putting my life at risk, and they also say they are mildly sorry for nearly blowing up your ship."
Archer questions T'Pol, "What did they say about getting us out of this mess?"
T'Pol answers, "They say they will send a freighter tow-ship to bring us into orbit, and they will also give us some parts to fix our damages."
Archer responds, "Oh, that's so nice. Well, I'll be in my quarters filling out a lawsuit. T'Pol, take the bridge."
Meanwhile, 20 light-years away…
On a small escape pod huddled three ensigns, all beginning to suffer from hypothermia.
Ensign Jake Smith reports, "Ensign Je- Je- Jessica, we are being intercepted by a F- F- Flooritoid ship…"
Ensign Jessica responds, "Onscreen"
On the tiny laptop screen in front of the ensigns appears the picture of a green skinned alien with a very, very large nose. "What can we do for you?"
Ensign Jessica replies, "We need food and water, and medical supplies. We could also use a small transport of some sort, if you could spare it."
The Flooritoid responds, "I do not give away supplies. What can you offer me?"
Ensign Jessica begins thinking, "One minute, let me converse with my crewmates."
The three ensigns get in a huddle. Jessica begins, "Okay, is anyone willing to offer a sexual favor to him?"
Mackenzie responds, "Oh, no way!"
Jessica goes on, "Okay, maybe we could sell someone into slavery?"
Jake replies, "Hey, stop looking at me! I'd rather slit my own throat first!"
Jessica thinks deeply. "Okay, I have an idea. Turn the comm.-link back on please."
The Flooritoid alien appears on the screen. Jessica addresses him, "Sir, what would you give us in exchange for Starfleet's deepest military secrets?"
The alien just smiles.
Meanwhile, on Earth…
A message boy runs into the Admirals office panting, "Admiral! Admiral! Important news from the Vulcan embassy!"
The admiral responds, "What the hell is it?"
"The Starship Enterprise was nearly destroyed in an accidental Vulcan attack! Captain Archer was nearly killed!"
The Admiral raises an eyebrow, "Nearly killed? You mean he's still alive?"
"Yes sir! That's what I'm sayin'!"
The Admiral slams his fists on the desk. "Damn. He wasn't killed. What a pity…"
Coming up next: The VeeNiS, Reeds spy activities, and Porthos gets sick!
Chapter Title: Planet-fall
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: Enterprise
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.
*Scene: The Enterprise, gliding at a slow warp, approaches a star-system.
Archer begins, "Captains Log, Supplemental, the ship is now approaching Sri'Mastra Alpha, a Vulcan outpost, so we can pick-up supplies. Also, I notice that recently Porthos has been feeling a bit feverish. I will have to take him to see Dr. Phlox before the end of the day. Well, I need to go now. T'Pol has been yelling at me for hours about not getting to my duty shift in time. Jeez. End Log…"
2 minutes later, Archer walks on board the bridge and adjusts his uniform. He then sits down in the Captains Chair. "Report?"
T'Pol reports in, "We will be entering the Sri'Mastra system in only 47 seconds, and we will reach orbit in less then 3 minutes."
Mayweather also reports, "Captain, we are being hailed."
Archer responds, "Put it on aud…wait a minute, isn't communications Hoshi's job?"
Mayweather replies, "Actually it is sir…it just happens I was looking over at Hoshi when I noticed the 'We are being hailed' light was blinking."
Hoshi, straightening up, begins, "He's right captain, we are being hailed by the planet Sri'Mastra Prime. I'll put it on audio…"
Vulcan voices are heard, saying, "Unidentified vessel, identify yourselves in 30 seconds or be fired on. I repeat, this is the Sri'Mastra defensive array, you are entering unauthorized space…"
Archer jumps up, "T'Pol! I thought I told you to get our authorization papers filled out last night!"
T'Pol replies, "I am sorry Captain, but I do not recall you ever asking me to fill out our authorization papers last night. The entire day yesterday I was meditating in my quarters."
Reed interrupts, "Captain! The defense array is firing photon torpedoes!"
Archer begins giving orders, "Reed! Evasive maneuvers! Mayweather! Pull us out of warp! Sato! Hail the Sri'Mastra array!"
Hoshi stutters, "I can't raise the array! There's some kind of interference…the UT panel just blew out! I can't remember the four basic Vulcan syntaxes! WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Hoshi begins panting hard and choking.
T'Pol states, "Captain, it appears Ensign Hoshi is having another panic attack. I suggest I take her down to sickbay."
Archer replies, "Do it! Reed, how long until impact?"
Reed responds, "We only have 47 bloody seconds sir! The engines just can't outrun a Vulcan torpedo long enough!"
Trip beeps Archer. The seen shifts down to the engine room. "Cap'n I have an idea! I read somewhere that most torpedoes, including Vulcan torpedoes, trace ships by their faint Warp signatures!"
Archer looks about, "So what are you suggesting, Mr. Tucker? That we self- destruct the Warp core?"
Trip roles his eyes, "Well, actually Captain, your idea would blow up the whole ship. I was thinking we just eject the Warp core."
Archer responds, "Brilliant! Do it now!"
Engineering is barely evacuated in time and one luck-less ensign nearly gets his foot cut of by a lowering door. The Warp core is ejected just in time, blowing up only four seconds after being ejected.
Archer shouts, "Report!"
Reed begins, "Warp core destroyed, a single breech on the ships lower deck, hull damage on saucer underside, nacelles intact."
T'Pol sits herself down in the station formerly occupied by Hoshi. "Captain, I have been able to contact the Sri'Mastra Vulcan command station. They say they are sorry for putting my life at risk, and they also say they are mildly sorry for nearly blowing up your ship."
Archer questions T'Pol, "What did they say about getting us out of this mess?"
T'Pol answers, "They say they will send a freighter tow-ship to bring us into orbit, and they will also give us some parts to fix our damages."
Archer responds, "Oh, that's so nice. Well, I'll be in my quarters filling out a lawsuit. T'Pol, take the bridge."
Meanwhile, 20 light-years away…
On a small escape pod huddled three ensigns, all beginning to suffer from hypothermia.
Ensign Jake Smith reports, "Ensign Je- Je- Jessica, we are being intercepted by a F- F- Flooritoid ship…"
Ensign Jessica responds, "Onscreen"
On the tiny laptop screen in front of the ensigns appears the picture of a green skinned alien with a very, very large nose. "What can we do for you?"
Ensign Jessica replies, "We need food and water, and medical supplies. We could also use a small transport of some sort, if you could spare it."
The Flooritoid responds, "I do not give away supplies. What can you offer me?"
Ensign Jessica begins thinking, "One minute, let me converse with my crewmates."
The three ensigns get in a huddle. Jessica begins, "Okay, is anyone willing to offer a sexual favor to him?"
Mackenzie responds, "Oh, no way!"
Jessica goes on, "Okay, maybe we could sell someone into slavery?"
Jake replies, "Hey, stop looking at me! I'd rather slit my own throat first!"
Jessica thinks deeply. "Okay, I have an idea. Turn the comm.-link back on please."
The Flooritoid alien appears on the screen. Jessica addresses him, "Sir, what would you give us in exchange for Starfleet's deepest military secrets?"
The alien just smiles.
Meanwhile, on Earth…
A message boy runs into the Admirals office panting, "Admiral! Admiral! Important news from the Vulcan embassy!"
The admiral responds, "What the hell is it?"
"The Starship Enterprise was nearly destroyed in an accidental Vulcan attack! Captain Archer was nearly killed!"
The Admiral raises an eyebrow, "Nearly killed? You mean he's still alive?"
"Yes sir! That's what I'm sayin'!"
The Admiral slams his fists on the desk. "Damn. He wasn't killed. What a pity…"
Coming up next: The VeeNiS, Reeds spy activities, and Porthos gets sick!