Title: Another Day On the Enterprise
Chapter Title: The VeeNiS
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.
*Scene: The Enterprise majestically orbits a brownish-green M-class planet, Sri'Mastra. The seen shifts to the inside of the captain's quarters.
Archer begins, "Captains Log, May 4, 2151. The ship has finally entered orbit around Sri'Mastra Alpha. In the course of getting to the planet to pick up supplies, we lost five ensigns, our warp-core, my weekly ration points, and Porthos got sick. It just isn't turning out to be a very good week. I asked Dr. Phlox about Porthos, and he said to give him lots of bed rest and no cheese. He also said I have to bring Porthos to see him later today. Also, Trip has been working around the clock to install the new Warp engine the Vulcan's replicated for us. I'll have to send them a thank-you note later. End Log."
Archer hears the door beep, and says "Enter."
Hoshi walks in, and addresses the Captain, "Captain, there are rumors going throughout the ship that you aren't going to bother giving us shore leave on the planet."
Archer nods, "Hoshi, the effects of 40 humans landing on a Vulcan planet would be enormous…most of these Vulcan's haven't even seen Humans before."
Hoshi whines, "But Captain, we all need shore leave! The crew has been stuck on the ship for more then two months now. Just four days ago Ensign Suber went crazy from being cooped up and attacked another crew man with a knife."
Archer reminisces, "Oh ya…watching that knife fight was real fun…well, anyway, I have an idea. How about 7 people go to the surface for shore leave."
Hoshi looks puzzled, "But who would get go?"
Archer states, "Why, main characters of coarse. And the mentally ill. I guess you, Ensign Suber, Ensign Cutler, Reed…and a few other no names can go. How does that sound?"
Hoshi replies, "Fantastic! But captain, maybe you should go over there and check the crew list, so you can pick out the other three people who get to go."
Archer responds, "Hmm, maybe I should…"
While Archer turns his back to Hoshi, she tips toes over to Archers computer and boots up the 'Playboy: Vulcan Centerfolds' program. Hoshi then sticks a disk into the computers drive and downloads the file to her disk. She quickly turns of the program again.
Archer turns around. "Hoshi, what were you just doing on my computer?"
Hoshi lies, "I was loading an update for your personal UT. You should now be able to also translate Flooritoid, Ferengi, and three new dialects of Klingon and Vulcan."
Archer gives her a suspicious glance, and begins, "Well, looking over the crew compliment, I think I should let Ensigns Jake, Mackenzie, and Jessica get shore-leave. They've been working real hard for the past two weeks…"
Hoshi interrupts, "Don't you remember Captain? You ordered us to abandon those crew members in deep space four days ago."
Archer nods, "Oh ya. Too bad. Well, just take three other randomly picked ensigns. I need to report to the bridge."
Archer walks onto the bridge, sits down, and begins playing with a Rubik's cube. He finally looks up tree minutes later and says, "Report!"
T'Pol begins, "The new warp core has been installed in engineering. Being in prime condition, the new core will allow us to reach Warp factor 5.2. Also, all damage repairs on the lower saucer section has been completed. Currently, 7 crew members are in Transporter Room 1 waiting to be beamed to the surface for shore leave."
Archer responds, "Very well. Energize."
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid starship in deep space…
The lime green, giant nosed alien escorted the ensigns through his ship. "In exchange for your information, my medical staff shall resuscitate your injured crew mates. Also, we will give you one of our own escape pods for one-way transport to your destination planet, stocked with a two-week supply of food," the alien presses a button on a wall. A door slides open to reveal a shuttlecraft hanger. "Here is the escape pod. It is slightly smaller then your own escape pod, and can reach Warp 1."
Ensign Mackenzie looks over the pod, "You know, we could weld these two escape pods together, the Flooritoid pod and our own. That would give us extra range, extra supplies, and more legroom. What do you think?"
Both ensigns respond enthusiastically. Ensign Jessica comments, "I bet we could get it done in only two days. Would you mind if we welded the two pods together?"
The Flooritoid shrugs. "Not at all. Just get of my ship by the end of the week."
Meanwhile, on Sri'Mastra Alpha…
Mr. Reed, the ships armory officer, sneaks through a Vulcan compound. He sees a pair of Vulcan officers coming around a corner, so he ducks into a doorway. After the Vulcan's pass, Reed continues down a small hallway and turns into a door marked 'Grey Level Security'.
Reed enters the room and sees it is empty. The room is a cavernous facility filled with oblong tubes. He walks up to one of the tubs and opens it. Inside is a fierce looking, rectangle shaped torpedo with an attached warp engine.
Reed begins fondling the torpedo. "Wow…an SSR 26-47 Vulcan Photon Torpedo with a 6.5 Warp Factor Engine." Reed pulls out a tricorder and scans the length of the torpedo. "Design sketch transferred to tricorder…check." Reed then starts setting up Transporter beacons around the torpedo. "This baby is mine…"
Suddenly, a red alert sounds throughout the facility. Reed hears over the speakers over and over, "Laspwana Sesnoma! Laspwana Sesnoma!" The UT translates it for Reed as, "Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!"
Reed curses, "Bloody hell…Enterprise, this is Lieutenant Reed! Activate Emergency Transport!"
Reed is transported onto the Enterprise just as dozens of fully armed Vulcan security officers pour into the chamber.
Meanwhile, in the Enterprise sickbay…
Dr. Phlox looks over Porthos, who is very sick. "It appears that Porthos has been struck by a somewhat serious virus, Captain. It may have been picked up from a Flooritoid pet after our encounter with them some weeks ago."
Archer asks anxiously, "Is he going to be okay? He's not gonna die, is he?"
Dr. Phlox replies, "Porthos would die, but I happen to have a Jovian Stinglebat onboard. You see, combined with secret ingredients, Stinglebat dung makes a fine antidote for Porthos's ailment. I can have it made within three hours."
Archer sighs, "Well then, get on it right away, please."
As Archer is about to leave sickbay, a beep comes from one of the intercom panels. Archer goes over to it and says, "What is it?"
Mayweather replies, "Captain! We're being attacked by Vulcan defense cruisers again! There was a accident on the surface and Lieutenant Reed ordered an Emergency Beam Out…"
Suddenly, two Vulcans materialize in the middle of sickbay. Mayweather continues, "Captain, we've just been boarded by the Vulcans!"
The Captain replies, "We noticed." The Captain turns to the Vulcans and addresses them. "Take what you want and get of my ship!"
The first Vulcan responds, "We are conducting an investigation of a break in at a Vulcan torpedo silo. We have to main suspects we wish to interrogate."
"Who then?"
The Vulcans approach the Captain. "You and Dr. Phlox."
Archer questions the first Vulcan, "Why the hell would you take Dr. Phlox, or even suspect him?!"
The second Vulcan steps forward. "We represent the V.N.S., the Vulcan Neutralization Service, also known as VeeNiS. Dr. Phloxes Species Exchange Visa expired six months ago, and we have been looking for him since. Vulcan Species Exchange students have a history of acting as spies for their home planets, and that is why we strongly suspect him."
Archer complains, "But you can't take him away! My doggy Porthos will die if you do!"
The Vulcans pay no attention to Archer and use a neck pinch on him. They then beam of the ship with Archer and Phlox.
Writers Log: April 19, 2002. I would like to thank you all for your positive reviews, and I promise I will keep on publishing more funny chapters and stories. Please review a chapter if you feel it is really funny, or if you feel it needs to be revised if it isn't funny at all. Coming up next week: The Search For Phlox!
Chapter Title: The VeeNiS
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, insignia, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures.
*Scene: The Enterprise majestically orbits a brownish-green M-class planet, Sri'Mastra. The seen shifts to the inside of the captain's quarters.
Archer begins, "Captains Log, May 4, 2151. The ship has finally entered orbit around Sri'Mastra Alpha. In the course of getting to the planet to pick up supplies, we lost five ensigns, our warp-core, my weekly ration points, and Porthos got sick. It just isn't turning out to be a very good week. I asked Dr. Phlox about Porthos, and he said to give him lots of bed rest and no cheese. He also said I have to bring Porthos to see him later today. Also, Trip has been working around the clock to install the new Warp engine the Vulcan's replicated for us. I'll have to send them a thank-you note later. End Log."
Archer hears the door beep, and says "Enter."
Hoshi walks in, and addresses the Captain, "Captain, there are rumors going throughout the ship that you aren't going to bother giving us shore leave on the planet."
Archer nods, "Hoshi, the effects of 40 humans landing on a Vulcan planet would be enormous…most of these Vulcan's haven't even seen Humans before."
Hoshi whines, "But Captain, we all need shore leave! The crew has been stuck on the ship for more then two months now. Just four days ago Ensign Suber went crazy from being cooped up and attacked another crew man with a knife."
Archer reminisces, "Oh ya…watching that knife fight was real fun…well, anyway, I have an idea. How about 7 people go to the surface for shore leave."
Hoshi looks puzzled, "But who would get go?"
Archer states, "Why, main characters of coarse. And the mentally ill. I guess you, Ensign Suber, Ensign Cutler, Reed…and a few other no names can go. How does that sound?"
Hoshi replies, "Fantastic! But captain, maybe you should go over there and check the crew list, so you can pick out the other three people who get to go."
Archer responds, "Hmm, maybe I should…"
While Archer turns his back to Hoshi, she tips toes over to Archers computer and boots up the 'Playboy: Vulcan Centerfolds' program. Hoshi then sticks a disk into the computers drive and downloads the file to her disk. She quickly turns of the program again.
Archer turns around. "Hoshi, what were you just doing on my computer?"
Hoshi lies, "I was loading an update for your personal UT. You should now be able to also translate Flooritoid, Ferengi, and three new dialects of Klingon and Vulcan."
Archer gives her a suspicious glance, and begins, "Well, looking over the crew compliment, I think I should let Ensigns Jake, Mackenzie, and Jessica get shore-leave. They've been working real hard for the past two weeks…"
Hoshi interrupts, "Don't you remember Captain? You ordered us to abandon those crew members in deep space four days ago."
Archer nods, "Oh ya. Too bad. Well, just take three other randomly picked ensigns. I need to report to the bridge."
Archer walks onto the bridge, sits down, and begins playing with a Rubik's cube. He finally looks up tree minutes later and says, "Report!"
T'Pol begins, "The new warp core has been installed in engineering. Being in prime condition, the new core will allow us to reach Warp factor 5.2. Also, all damage repairs on the lower saucer section has been completed. Currently, 7 crew members are in Transporter Room 1 waiting to be beamed to the surface for shore leave."
Archer responds, "Very well. Energize."
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid starship in deep space…
The lime green, giant nosed alien escorted the ensigns through his ship. "In exchange for your information, my medical staff shall resuscitate your injured crew mates. Also, we will give you one of our own escape pods for one-way transport to your destination planet, stocked with a two-week supply of food," the alien presses a button on a wall. A door slides open to reveal a shuttlecraft hanger. "Here is the escape pod. It is slightly smaller then your own escape pod, and can reach Warp 1."
Ensign Mackenzie looks over the pod, "You know, we could weld these two escape pods together, the Flooritoid pod and our own. That would give us extra range, extra supplies, and more legroom. What do you think?"
Both ensigns respond enthusiastically. Ensign Jessica comments, "I bet we could get it done in only two days. Would you mind if we welded the two pods together?"
The Flooritoid shrugs. "Not at all. Just get of my ship by the end of the week."
Meanwhile, on Sri'Mastra Alpha…
Mr. Reed, the ships armory officer, sneaks through a Vulcan compound. He sees a pair of Vulcan officers coming around a corner, so he ducks into a doorway. After the Vulcan's pass, Reed continues down a small hallway and turns into a door marked 'Grey Level Security'.
Reed enters the room and sees it is empty. The room is a cavernous facility filled with oblong tubes. He walks up to one of the tubs and opens it. Inside is a fierce looking, rectangle shaped torpedo with an attached warp engine.
Reed begins fondling the torpedo. "Wow…an SSR 26-47 Vulcan Photon Torpedo with a 6.5 Warp Factor Engine." Reed pulls out a tricorder and scans the length of the torpedo. "Design sketch transferred to tricorder…check." Reed then starts setting up Transporter beacons around the torpedo. "This baby is mine…"
Suddenly, a red alert sounds throughout the facility. Reed hears over the speakers over and over, "Laspwana Sesnoma! Laspwana Sesnoma!" The UT translates it for Reed as, "Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!"
Reed curses, "Bloody hell…Enterprise, this is Lieutenant Reed! Activate Emergency Transport!"
Reed is transported onto the Enterprise just as dozens of fully armed Vulcan security officers pour into the chamber.
Meanwhile, in the Enterprise sickbay…
Dr. Phlox looks over Porthos, who is very sick. "It appears that Porthos has been struck by a somewhat serious virus, Captain. It may have been picked up from a Flooritoid pet after our encounter with them some weeks ago."
Archer asks anxiously, "Is he going to be okay? He's not gonna die, is he?"
Dr. Phlox replies, "Porthos would die, but I happen to have a Jovian Stinglebat onboard. You see, combined with secret ingredients, Stinglebat dung makes a fine antidote for Porthos's ailment. I can have it made within three hours."
Archer sighs, "Well then, get on it right away, please."
As Archer is about to leave sickbay, a beep comes from one of the intercom panels. Archer goes over to it and says, "What is it?"
Mayweather replies, "Captain! We're being attacked by Vulcan defense cruisers again! There was a accident on the surface and Lieutenant Reed ordered an Emergency Beam Out…"
Suddenly, two Vulcans materialize in the middle of sickbay. Mayweather continues, "Captain, we've just been boarded by the Vulcans!"
The Captain replies, "We noticed." The Captain turns to the Vulcans and addresses them. "Take what you want and get of my ship!"
The first Vulcan responds, "We are conducting an investigation of a break in at a Vulcan torpedo silo. We have to main suspects we wish to interrogate."
"Who then?"
The Vulcans approach the Captain. "You and Dr. Phlox."
Archer questions the first Vulcan, "Why the hell would you take Dr. Phlox, or even suspect him?!"
The second Vulcan steps forward. "We represent the V.N.S., the Vulcan Neutralization Service, also known as VeeNiS. Dr. Phloxes Species Exchange Visa expired six months ago, and we have been looking for him since. Vulcan Species Exchange students have a history of acting as spies for their home planets, and that is why we strongly suspect him."
Archer complains, "But you can't take him away! My doggy Porthos will die if you do!"
The Vulcans pay no attention to Archer and use a neck pinch on him. They then beam of the ship with Archer and Phlox.
Writers Log: April 19, 2002. I would like to thank you all for your positive reviews, and I promise I will keep on publishing more funny chapters and stories. Please review a chapter if you feel it is really funny, or if you feel it needs to be revised if it isn't funny at all. Coming up next week: The Search For Phlox!