Title: Another Day On the Enterprise
Chapter Title: Sacrifice
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures and god knows what other companies they are merged with.
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise orbits the planet Sri'Mastra Prime.
We hear T'Pols voice reading her log. "Science Officers Log, May 6, 2151. While conducting an investigation of a break-in at a Vulcan torpedo silo, Vulcan officials have arrested the captain and Dr. Phlox, leaving me in charge. I am cooperating with the Vulcan officials in there investigation. During my duty as Captain, I appointed Ensign Cutler as temporary ship doctor and took the liberty to access the captain's personal files. While examining his files, I proceeded to delete one lawsuit against the Vulcan High Command, his cache of pornography, and several of his references to my ineptness as a member of the crew. Currently, the ship is restocking supplies and Ensign Cutler is treating the doctors 'pet' Porthos for a deadly virus he has contracted."
Meanwhile, in a Vulcan prison complex…
A Vulcan male lifts his rifle and brings the rifles barrel down onto Archers shoulder. "Tell us who broke into the silo!"
Archer pleads, "Really I don't know! I need you to release my doctor, my dog is going to die if you don't!"
The first Vulcan hits Archer across the face. The second Vulcan male steps up. "We know one of your crew members was at that silo. Was it Mr. Tucker? Was it you, yourself? Answer me!"
Archer responds, "I have no idea who did it! Why would I do that?"
The second Vulcan kicks Archer. By now he has a bloody nose and a bruise on his forehead. The first Vulcan leans forward and shouts, "Do not lie to us!"
Archer finally breaks out in tears, "Please…I have no idea what you're talking about! I just want my doggy to live! Porthos! Porthos!" Archer continues crying into his hands.
The two Vulcans leave the room and walk into another room separate from the interrogation chamber by a soundproof, one-way window. There, they meet a female Vulcan. The female Vulcan asks, "What did you learn, Agent D'Gett?"
The first Vulcan responds, "Nothing, Agent Sc'Lee. We can't get anything out of him."
Agent Sc'Lee turns to the second Vulcan. "Did you try a mind-meld, Agent Serem?"
Agent Serem responds, "Yes, Agent Mul'Da attempted a mind-meld. However, he wound up running of yelling something about flying monkeys. We admitted him to sickbay. We then resorted to using Nausican interrogation techniques, but the subject wouldn't respond."
Agent Sc'Lee thought to herself. "I don't think he knows anything. He's clearly mentally eroded beyond the point to be able to plan an intricate spy operation. No, it had to have been someone else from that starship."
Agent Serem inquired, "Should we make another arrest?"
Agent D'Gett said, "That would be illogical Serem. We can't simply arrest everyone on the ship. I have a much simpler idea…"
Meanwhile, in the ships officers' galley…
T'Pol stands to address the officers around her, including Trip, Reed, Hoshi, Mayweather, and all the other major characters. "I have gathered you here because this is the closest thing on the ship to a briefing room. The situation is dire, as we must immediately rescue Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox. Actually, I don't care about the captain at all, but we must rescue Dr. Phlox because he is the one who synthesizes my supply of nasal numbing agents. I only have a two-day supply of numbing agents!"
Reed then stands up. "We have to rescue the captain. It's that simple. While I would quickly volunteer to become acting commander, I can't afford to have the Vulcans get any…um…closer…"
Then Trip stands up as Reed sits down. "I owe the captain my life, 5 times over. The captain owes me his life, 4 times over. I need to change that score to 5-6 so I can kill him and have no more debt."
Ensign Cutler then stands up. Although she wouldn't usually be at staff meetings, she's there today because she happens to be a main character in this episode. "First of all, we need to rescue the doctor for…um…personal reasons. Second of all, I want to get back to my old work! Being a doctor is just to damn hard!"
T'Pol stands up again. "Alright then. I think it would be fair to take a vote. All who want to save the captain and doctor say aye. All against, say nay."
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Nay!"
"Nay!"
"Nay!"
T'Pol nods, "Alright, 4 ayes, 3 nays. We have to rescue the Captain and Dr. Phlox."
Hoshi suddenly stands up. "Hay! There are only 6 people here, and there were 7 votes! I demand a recount!"
Trip shouts, "Oh, shut up!"
T'Pol shakes her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing to do about it. If there was a miss vote, it is well within her interplanetary rights to seek legal action."
Hoshi nods. "I'll contact Starfleet Command in San Francisco and ask them to decide for us."
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid freighter several light-years away…
Ensign Jessica lifted of her hard hat, and sighed. She and Ensign Jake had been welding a hybrid shuttle, which was part Starfleet escape pod, part Flooritoid escape shuttle. Suddenly, the cargo-bay doors whooshed open and walked in Ensign Mackenzie and the Flooritoid alien, followed by to distorted ensigns.
The first unnamed ensign rushed forward. "What the hell is going on?"
Jessica gaze him a puzzled look. "Don't you remember? There was a transporter accident when the Captain ordered a self-destruct. You two beamed out into space, and we saved you. Then the Captain left us behind…."
Jake picked up her sentence, "…and left us to die in space…"
Mackenzie finished their sentence, gritting her teeth. "…and now were bent on getting revenge."
The two unnamed ensigns looked at each other and shrugged. The second one spoke up. "Whatever. Let's go with it."
The Flooritoid captain tapped his heal and flared his giant nostrils, as Flooritoids are apt to do when they are inpatient. "Well, it's time for you to go. I need to make a run by a colony to pick up an illegal batch of Romulan Ale, and I need to store it in here. So get out of my cargo bay!"
Jessica nods. "Alright, everyone load up."
After that, the crew loads up and the hybrid shuttlecraft takes off into space. Inside the small main cabin, Ensign Jake looks at a star chart. "I heard from a friend you could buy weapons at one of the planets in the Regula sector. I wonder which planet we should go to?"
Mackenzie looks at the chart. "There are two planets in that area…Risa, and Q'Pla. Which one sounds like a weapons planet?"
Jessica takes a look. "I think Risa sounds like a good, dark place to plan our horrible revenge. Set course!"
Meanwhile, back in the officers' galley…
The Admiral appears on a large wall screen. "After reviewing your case, I must say there is only one person on Earth who can decide for you. And that person is our head of Starfleet JAG, Officers' Disputes Section, former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris."
Mayweather gives a puzzled look, "Katherine Harris? Shouldn't she be dead? Besides, how did she get that kind of high ranking job?"
The Admiral looks uncomfortable. "Well, we were forced to give her a cushy job by former president George Bush the IV. As for how she has stayed alive, I must say she's more make-up then man."
Katherine Harris comes on the view screen. She is gray haired, and is hooked to several life-support mechanisms. On her face are the caked layers of almost two centuries of make-up. "What is your question?"
Hoshi nervously stands up. "Should we rescue the Captain?"
Harris replies, in an almost mystical voice, "Hmm…"
She pulls out a coin and flips it. "Yes you should."
Reed stands up and asks, "Do you always use a coin to make decisions?"
She nods, "Hell yes! It worked in the 2000 election didn't it?"
Reed looks quizzical, "But didn't George Bush the 2nd launch the 3rd World War?"
She responds, "Oh no, that was George Bush the 3rd. You need to keep your George Bushes straight dear. Now if there aren't any more questions…"
Mayweather jumps up, "How do you stay so young?"
She looks sheepishly, "Well, it's an old longevity trick. You see, my many layers of makeup make an impenetrable barrier for germs…"
T'Pol stands and turns of the monitor, "We need to find a way to rescue the Captain, and I have the perfect idea. Everyone, please report to the bridge…"
One hour later, one the bridge…
Hoshi looks up. "We're being hailed."
T'Pol nods, "Onscreen"
Agent Sc'Lee of the VeeNiS appears on screen. "T'Pol, instead of being patient and arresting your crew members one by one, we're going to cut a deal. Whoever on your ship who broke into our torpedo silo should come forward within the next half hour, or we will blow up your ship. So for whoever broke in, there choices are to either spend 5 years at a Vulcan Spiritual Correctional Facility, doing Vulcan chants, or die a fiery death in space."
T'Pol walks the bridge, and speaks in her 'Detained' voice. "Actually, we already found the spy. He is a minor crewman named Ensign Johnson. He was one of the nameless ensigns who beamed down some time ago."
Two security guards drag Ensign Johnson onto the bridge. The ensign yells, "I'm innocent! I'm telling you!"
T'Pol walks up to him, "Don't lie, Ensign. Mr. Reed said he saw you approaching the torpedo silo. Scale, we will beam this spy over to you immediately. Please have the captain and the doctor ready to beam back."
Sc'Lee nods. "Understood. Transporting commencing."
Before the end of the hour, the captain and the doctor are beamed back, and Ensign Johnson is shipped of to a Vulcan Correctional Facility. Porthos jumps into Archers arms as he is injected with his diseases antidote. Archer begins crying. "Oh, Porthos, I misses you so much."
As Trip and T'Pol watch, Trip notices T'Pol crying. "T'Pol, are you seriously crying?"
T'Pol nods, "Yes I am, Lieutenant. My nasal numbing agent just wore of, and I smelled the intestinal gasses you just released."
On the Next Episode: The ship sets course for Jupiter Station, and prepares to welcome a new crewmember. And, the rouge ensigns prepare their horrible revenge from the sunny beaches of Risa!
Writer's Log, May 9, 2002: Let's make a deal. For every (positive) review I get, I promise to write one chapter. Will that get more reviews? Anyway, sorry for the absence of new chapters. I promise to write one or two stories over the weekend. End Log.
Chapter Title: Sacrifice
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount Pictures and god knows what other companies they are merged with.
*Scene: The NX-101 U.S.S. Enterprise orbits the planet Sri'Mastra Prime.
We hear T'Pols voice reading her log. "Science Officers Log, May 6, 2151. While conducting an investigation of a break-in at a Vulcan torpedo silo, Vulcan officials have arrested the captain and Dr. Phlox, leaving me in charge. I am cooperating with the Vulcan officials in there investigation. During my duty as Captain, I appointed Ensign Cutler as temporary ship doctor and took the liberty to access the captain's personal files. While examining his files, I proceeded to delete one lawsuit against the Vulcan High Command, his cache of pornography, and several of his references to my ineptness as a member of the crew. Currently, the ship is restocking supplies and Ensign Cutler is treating the doctors 'pet' Porthos for a deadly virus he has contracted."
Meanwhile, in a Vulcan prison complex…
A Vulcan male lifts his rifle and brings the rifles barrel down onto Archers shoulder. "Tell us who broke into the silo!"
Archer pleads, "Really I don't know! I need you to release my doctor, my dog is going to die if you don't!"
The first Vulcan hits Archer across the face. The second Vulcan male steps up. "We know one of your crew members was at that silo. Was it Mr. Tucker? Was it you, yourself? Answer me!"
Archer responds, "I have no idea who did it! Why would I do that?"
The second Vulcan kicks Archer. By now he has a bloody nose and a bruise on his forehead. The first Vulcan leans forward and shouts, "Do not lie to us!"
Archer finally breaks out in tears, "Please…I have no idea what you're talking about! I just want my doggy to live! Porthos! Porthos!" Archer continues crying into his hands.
The two Vulcans leave the room and walk into another room separate from the interrogation chamber by a soundproof, one-way window. There, they meet a female Vulcan. The female Vulcan asks, "What did you learn, Agent D'Gett?"
The first Vulcan responds, "Nothing, Agent Sc'Lee. We can't get anything out of him."
Agent Sc'Lee turns to the second Vulcan. "Did you try a mind-meld, Agent Serem?"
Agent Serem responds, "Yes, Agent Mul'Da attempted a mind-meld. However, he wound up running of yelling something about flying monkeys. We admitted him to sickbay. We then resorted to using Nausican interrogation techniques, but the subject wouldn't respond."
Agent Sc'Lee thought to herself. "I don't think he knows anything. He's clearly mentally eroded beyond the point to be able to plan an intricate spy operation. No, it had to have been someone else from that starship."
Agent Serem inquired, "Should we make another arrest?"
Agent D'Gett said, "That would be illogical Serem. We can't simply arrest everyone on the ship. I have a much simpler idea…"
Meanwhile, in the ships officers' galley…
T'Pol stands to address the officers around her, including Trip, Reed, Hoshi, Mayweather, and all the other major characters. "I have gathered you here because this is the closest thing on the ship to a briefing room. The situation is dire, as we must immediately rescue Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox. Actually, I don't care about the captain at all, but we must rescue Dr. Phlox because he is the one who synthesizes my supply of nasal numbing agents. I only have a two-day supply of numbing agents!"
Reed then stands up. "We have to rescue the captain. It's that simple. While I would quickly volunteer to become acting commander, I can't afford to have the Vulcans get any…um…closer…"
Then Trip stands up as Reed sits down. "I owe the captain my life, 5 times over. The captain owes me his life, 4 times over. I need to change that score to 5-6 so I can kill him and have no more debt."
Ensign Cutler then stands up. Although she wouldn't usually be at staff meetings, she's there today because she happens to be a main character in this episode. "First of all, we need to rescue the doctor for…um…personal reasons. Second of all, I want to get back to my old work! Being a doctor is just to damn hard!"
T'Pol stands up again. "Alright then. I think it would be fair to take a vote. All who want to save the captain and doctor say aye. All against, say nay."
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"Nay!"
"Nay!"
"Nay!"
T'Pol nods, "Alright, 4 ayes, 3 nays. We have to rescue the Captain and Dr. Phlox."
Hoshi suddenly stands up. "Hay! There are only 6 people here, and there were 7 votes! I demand a recount!"
Trip shouts, "Oh, shut up!"
T'Pol shakes her head. "I'm afraid there's nothing to do about it. If there was a miss vote, it is well within her interplanetary rights to seek legal action."
Hoshi nods. "I'll contact Starfleet Command in San Francisco and ask them to decide for us."
Meanwhile, on board a Flooritoid freighter several light-years away…
Ensign Jessica lifted of her hard hat, and sighed. She and Ensign Jake had been welding a hybrid shuttle, which was part Starfleet escape pod, part Flooritoid escape shuttle. Suddenly, the cargo-bay doors whooshed open and walked in Ensign Mackenzie and the Flooritoid alien, followed by to distorted ensigns.
The first unnamed ensign rushed forward. "What the hell is going on?"
Jessica gaze him a puzzled look. "Don't you remember? There was a transporter accident when the Captain ordered a self-destruct. You two beamed out into space, and we saved you. Then the Captain left us behind…."
Jake picked up her sentence, "…and left us to die in space…"
Mackenzie finished their sentence, gritting her teeth. "…and now were bent on getting revenge."
The two unnamed ensigns looked at each other and shrugged. The second one spoke up. "Whatever. Let's go with it."
The Flooritoid captain tapped his heal and flared his giant nostrils, as Flooritoids are apt to do when they are inpatient. "Well, it's time for you to go. I need to make a run by a colony to pick up an illegal batch of Romulan Ale, and I need to store it in here. So get out of my cargo bay!"
Jessica nods. "Alright, everyone load up."
After that, the crew loads up and the hybrid shuttlecraft takes off into space. Inside the small main cabin, Ensign Jake looks at a star chart. "I heard from a friend you could buy weapons at one of the planets in the Regula sector. I wonder which planet we should go to?"
Mackenzie looks at the chart. "There are two planets in that area…Risa, and Q'Pla. Which one sounds like a weapons planet?"
Jessica takes a look. "I think Risa sounds like a good, dark place to plan our horrible revenge. Set course!"
Meanwhile, back in the officers' galley…
The Admiral appears on a large wall screen. "After reviewing your case, I must say there is only one person on Earth who can decide for you. And that person is our head of Starfleet JAG, Officers' Disputes Section, former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris."
Mayweather gives a puzzled look, "Katherine Harris? Shouldn't she be dead? Besides, how did she get that kind of high ranking job?"
The Admiral looks uncomfortable. "Well, we were forced to give her a cushy job by former president George Bush the IV. As for how she has stayed alive, I must say she's more make-up then man."
Katherine Harris comes on the view screen. She is gray haired, and is hooked to several life-support mechanisms. On her face are the caked layers of almost two centuries of make-up. "What is your question?"
Hoshi nervously stands up. "Should we rescue the Captain?"
Harris replies, in an almost mystical voice, "Hmm…"
She pulls out a coin and flips it. "Yes you should."
Reed stands up and asks, "Do you always use a coin to make decisions?"
She nods, "Hell yes! It worked in the 2000 election didn't it?"
Reed looks quizzical, "But didn't George Bush the 2nd launch the 3rd World War?"
She responds, "Oh no, that was George Bush the 3rd. You need to keep your George Bushes straight dear. Now if there aren't any more questions…"
Mayweather jumps up, "How do you stay so young?"
She looks sheepishly, "Well, it's an old longevity trick. You see, my many layers of makeup make an impenetrable barrier for germs…"
T'Pol stands and turns of the monitor, "We need to find a way to rescue the Captain, and I have the perfect idea. Everyone, please report to the bridge…"
One hour later, one the bridge…
Hoshi looks up. "We're being hailed."
T'Pol nods, "Onscreen"
Agent Sc'Lee of the VeeNiS appears on screen. "T'Pol, instead of being patient and arresting your crew members one by one, we're going to cut a deal. Whoever on your ship who broke into our torpedo silo should come forward within the next half hour, or we will blow up your ship. So for whoever broke in, there choices are to either spend 5 years at a Vulcan Spiritual Correctional Facility, doing Vulcan chants, or die a fiery death in space."
T'Pol walks the bridge, and speaks in her 'Detained' voice. "Actually, we already found the spy. He is a minor crewman named Ensign Johnson. He was one of the nameless ensigns who beamed down some time ago."
Two security guards drag Ensign Johnson onto the bridge. The ensign yells, "I'm innocent! I'm telling you!"
T'Pol walks up to him, "Don't lie, Ensign. Mr. Reed said he saw you approaching the torpedo silo. Scale, we will beam this spy over to you immediately. Please have the captain and the doctor ready to beam back."
Sc'Lee nods. "Understood. Transporting commencing."
Before the end of the hour, the captain and the doctor are beamed back, and Ensign Johnson is shipped of to a Vulcan Correctional Facility. Porthos jumps into Archers arms as he is injected with his diseases antidote. Archer begins crying. "Oh, Porthos, I misses you so much."
As Trip and T'Pol watch, Trip notices T'Pol crying. "T'Pol, are you seriously crying?"
T'Pol nods, "Yes I am, Lieutenant. My nasal numbing agent just wore of, and I smelled the intestinal gasses you just released."
On the Next Episode: The ship sets course for Jupiter Station, and prepares to welcome a new crewmember. And, the rouge ensigns prepare their horrible revenge from the sunny beaches of Risa!
Writer's Log, May 9, 2002: Let's make a deal. For every (positive) review I get, I promise to write one chapter. Will that get more reviews? Anyway, sorry for the absence of new chapters. I promise to write one or two stories over the weekend. End Log.