Title: Another Day On the Enterprise
Chapter Title: Comatose
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount, Viacom, and their army of lawyers.
*Scene: The Enterprise glides through space, with stars slowly whizzing by. We cut to the bridge.
We hear the Captains Log, in voice-over mode. "Captains Log, May 11, 2151. Luckily, Mr. Reed managed to come up with a brilliant plan to rescue me and the doctor from the Vulcans on Sri'Mastra Prime. The doctor got back just in time to save my pet Porthos from his virus and to save Ensign Cutler from her mild insanity. However, he still has not been able to properly synthesize T'Pols nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has been complaining all day about how the ship smells like 'gaseous intestinal releases' and 'canine fluidal waste'. We have been set course for Jupiter Station to restock supplies, engine parts, and ensigns. We should be there within two weeks. We have also been warned of any Nausican activity. In the words of the famous Captain Janeway, I doubt we've seen the last of them."
Reed looks up from his station on the bridge. "Who the bloody hell is Captain Janeway?"
Archer ponders for a minute. "I don't know. She just popped into my mind. She might have been an alien starship captain or an old television character."
Reed shrugs and goes back to work. Suddenly, the entire bridge rocks and several people get knocked out of their chairs. T'Pol falls on Archer, and Mayweather gets a huge grin on his face.
As Archer picks himself up, he looks at Mayweather with a mad look. "Ensign, what have I told you about playing chicken with asteroids?"
Mayweathers grin suddenly dissolves. "You said, 'Asteroids, Warp 5 Engines, and booze don't mix'. But this time I wasn't boozed up, we were at Warp 2, and the asteroid was like two meters across! I even polarized the hull plating before I rammed it, sir."
Archer nods. "Alright, I'm letting you of this time. But next time, I'm going to leave it up to Sub-Commander T'Pol to punish you."
Mayweather gets a frightened look on his face and solemnly turns back to his station.
Suddenly, medleys of crewmembers walk out of he turbo-lift and onto the bridge. The crewmembers include men, women, engineers, security, ensigns and officers. There are about a dozen of them in all. They all crowd onto the bridge and one hands Archer a PADD.
Archer looks quizzically. "What the heck is this? 'Petition of Captains Negligence'?"
The first crewmember gives Archer a serious look. "Sir, we think you have been mistreating the crew. We have several complaints to present to you."
A female engineer steps forward. "I file quite uncomfortable on this ship. I mean, someone tacked up a copy of a Playboy centerfold on the galley bulletin board!"
Archer tries to control his laughter. "Yes, yes…Mr. Tucker will be severely *snicker* 'punished' for that, err, 'presentation'."
A middle-aged security officer steps forward. "You left five of our crewmen floating out in space! The ship is already understaffed as it is!"
Archer frowns. "Yes, that loss to the ship was quite unfortunately…"
Suddenly, a young man shuffles forward. "I need to like protest the ships 'No tell' policy. I want the chance to freely express myself and…"
Reed quickly stands up. "Officer, you are violating the ships 'No tell' policy by hinting towards your queer sexuality! I'm taking you to the brig!"
As the man is dragged towards the turbo-lift, he complains loudly. "This is like so totally unfair! Say, Malcolm, has anyone told you that you have a very sexy build?"
As the turbo-lift swings shut, an Ensign Cutler steps forward. "Sir, you yell at us ensign all the time. It's real disturbing and hurts our ability to work."
Archer yells, "No one asked you, Ensign! Shut Up!"
Several security personnel finally show up. The head security officer starts ushering people out. "Alright people, of the bridge! Don't make me test the new Phase Pistols!"
As the last of the petitioners leave, T'Pol steps forward. "Captain, I must also complain of some of your decisions. Because your dog runs free on the ship, I have repeatedly sensed the smell of his urinal waste in various corners and under the galleys tables."
Finally Archer explodes. "Is everyone here against me?"
With that he stomps of the bridge, headed towards his quarters. Mayweather stands up. "Captain of the bridge! Party!"
Meanwhile, on a route towards Risa…
Ensign Jessica leaned over her laptop computer in the small ship they had built. It was a part Flooritoid, part Starfleet combination, and it housed five ensigns.
Suddenly, the Ensigns laptop screen starts fizzing and crackling and Jessica is showered in sparks. "Dang! That's the third time that's happened this week! What the heck is going on, Jake?"
Ensign Jake shrugs. "Well, I have been noticing a sensor ghost directly behind us. It might be a cloaked ship."
Ensign Jessica thinks to herself. "We learned at the academy to find cloaked ships you should randomly fire torpedoes until we hit the ship, making it visible. Do we have any weapons we an fire?"
Jake shakes his head. "Nothing…the Flooritoids didn't give us a single torpedo."
Ensign Mackenzie suddenly jumps. "I have an idea! We can just throw someone out an airlock!"
Jake rolls his eyes. "Ensign, in the back, give me your boot!"
One of the other ensigns in the back of the ship hands Jake his boot. Jake quickly shoves it in the airlock and it gets sucked out into space.
Jessica leans over the sensor display. "We have something! A Xyrillian ship is decloaking directly behind us! Dropping to impulse speed!"
A Xyrillian captain appears on-screen. "Please do not hurt us! We only seek help! Our warp engines are damaged!"
Ensign Mackenzie smiles at the alien. "We would love to help free of cha--- "
Ensign Jessica smacks her hand over Mackenzie's lips. "Shut up! Sir, we will help you…if you give us a few things."
The alien asks, "Like what?"
Jessica, taking charge begins, "How about…a Xyrillian cloaking device, a hologram projector, and some food and water?"
The Alien nods wearily.
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise…
Archer walks down the passageway to find Porthos running in circles in the corridor. "What do you want, boy? What is it? Why are you whining like that? Say…you sound just like that time a Sulliban was sneaking up on me and---"
A lead pipe come crashing down on the Captains head and we see someone running of. Porthos continues running around his master whining. Finally, Porthos sticks his muzzle and finds a piece of cheese. After eating the cheese, Porthos walks off happy.
Fifteen minutes later, Trip walks through the hall and trips. "What the heck? I hope that wasn't another hung-over ensign…"
Trip turns over the body and finds it's the Captain. "Oh my god! Tucker to Sickbay! Doctor Phlox, get here right away! Help! Help!"
Ensign Cutler, attracted by the commotion, rushes over. She leans over the Captain and feels his neck. "He's dead, Trip."
Trip raises his fists in the air. "No!!! I never got to tell him I loved him!"
Phlox quickly hurries over and double-checks the Captains pulse. "He isn't dead, you idiots! You just don't know how to read a pulse, you stupid ensign!"
Ensign Cutler runs towards her quarters, crying.
Ten minutes later, in the sickbay…
T'Pol, Trip, Hoshi, Reed, and Doctor Phlox are gathered around the Captain. T'Pol asks, "Perhaps I should kiss him. That worked with Mr. Reed."
Reed suddenly looks startled. "That was you kissing me? Everything was fuzzy, and I thought it was Hoshi kissing me! Ew!"
Reed runs towards the bathrooms, spitting.
Phlox begins, "I'm afraid that won't work this time T'Pol. It appears he has a mild coma. He should be up within a few days. Meanwhile, we can still talk to him and he might here us."
Phlox asks, "Can you hear me, Captain Archer?" Phlox pushes a blue button and the Captains index finger twitches. "That must mean yes."
T'Pol asks, "Should I become acting commander, Captain?"
Phlox pushes a red button and the captain's pinky twitches. "I think that means no, Sub-Commander."
Trip pushes forward. "Then who should command?"
Phlox pushes a yellow button on his console, and the Captains middle finger twitches, which is pointing directly at Dr. Phlox.
Trip then turns his head. "Hey, I smell a rat here…"
Phlox hurriedly pushes the crew out of the room. "Okay, that's enough of a visit! Captain Archer needs his rest now!"
On the next episode: We get to see inside Archers mind, when he's in a coma!
Chapter Title: Comatose
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: 'Enterprise'
Disclaimer: Enterprise, Star Trek, and all related characters, ideas, designs, and techno-babble are the sole property of Paramount, Viacom, and their army of lawyers.
*Scene: The Enterprise glides through space, with stars slowly whizzing by. We cut to the bridge.
We hear the Captains Log, in voice-over mode. "Captains Log, May 11, 2151. Luckily, Mr. Reed managed to come up with a brilliant plan to rescue me and the doctor from the Vulcans on Sri'Mastra Prime. The doctor got back just in time to save my pet Porthos from his virus and to save Ensign Cutler from her mild insanity. However, he still has not been able to properly synthesize T'Pols nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has been complaining all day about how the ship smells like 'gaseous intestinal releases' and 'canine fluidal waste'. We have been set course for Jupiter Station to restock supplies, engine parts, and ensigns. We should be there within two weeks. We have also been warned of any Nausican activity. In the words of the famous Captain Janeway, I doubt we've seen the last of them."
Reed looks up from his station on the bridge. "Who the bloody hell is Captain Janeway?"
Archer ponders for a minute. "I don't know. She just popped into my mind. She might have been an alien starship captain or an old television character."
Reed shrugs and goes back to work. Suddenly, the entire bridge rocks and several people get knocked out of their chairs. T'Pol falls on Archer, and Mayweather gets a huge grin on his face.
As Archer picks himself up, he looks at Mayweather with a mad look. "Ensign, what have I told you about playing chicken with asteroids?"
Mayweathers grin suddenly dissolves. "You said, 'Asteroids, Warp 5 Engines, and booze don't mix'. But this time I wasn't boozed up, we were at Warp 2, and the asteroid was like two meters across! I even polarized the hull plating before I rammed it, sir."
Archer nods. "Alright, I'm letting you of this time. But next time, I'm going to leave it up to Sub-Commander T'Pol to punish you."
Mayweather gets a frightened look on his face and solemnly turns back to his station.
Suddenly, medleys of crewmembers walk out of he turbo-lift and onto the bridge. The crewmembers include men, women, engineers, security, ensigns and officers. There are about a dozen of them in all. They all crowd onto the bridge and one hands Archer a PADD.
Archer looks quizzically. "What the heck is this? 'Petition of Captains Negligence'?"
The first crewmember gives Archer a serious look. "Sir, we think you have been mistreating the crew. We have several complaints to present to you."
A female engineer steps forward. "I file quite uncomfortable on this ship. I mean, someone tacked up a copy of a Playboy centerfold on the galley bulletin board!"
Archer tries to control his laughter. "Yes, yes…Mr. Tucker will be severely *snicker* 'punished' for that, err, 'presentation'."
A middle-aged security officer steps forward. "You left five of our crewmen floating out in space! The ship is already understaffed as it is!"
Archer frowns. "Yes, that loss to the ship was quite unfortunately…"
Suddenly, a young man shuffles forward. "I need to like protest the ships 'No tell' policy. I want the chance to freely express myself and…"
Reed quickly stands up. "Officer, you are violating the ships 'No tell' policy by hinting towards your queer sexuality! I'm taking you to the brig!"
As the man is dragged towards the turbo-lift, he complains loudly. "This is like so totally unfair! Say, Malcolm, has anyone told you that you have a very sexy build?"
As the turbo-lift swings shut, an Ensign Cutler steps forward. "Sir, you yell at us ensign all the time. It's real disturbing and hurts our ability to work."
Archer yells, "No one asked you, Ensign! Shut Up!"
Several security personnel finally show up. The head security officer starts ushering people out. "Alright people, of the bridge! Don't make me test the new Phase Pistols!"
As the last of the petitioners leave, T'Pol steps forward. "Captain, I must also complain of some of your decisions. Because your dog runs free on the ship, I have repeatedly sensed the smell of his urinal waste in various corners and under the galleys tables."
Finally Archer explodes. "Is everyone here against me?"
With that he stomps of the bridge, headed towards his quarters. Mayweather stands up. "Captain of the bridge! Party!"
Meanwhile, on a route towards Risa…
Ensign Jessica leaned over her laptop computer in the small ship they had built. It was a part Flooritoid, part Starfleet combination, and it housed five ensigns.
Suddenly, the Ensigns laptop screen starts fizzing and crackling and Jessica is showered in sparks. "Dang! That's the third time that's happened this week! What the heck is going on, Jake?"
Ensign Jake shrugs. "Well, I have been noticing a sensor ghost directly behind us. It might be a cloaked ship."
Ensign Jessica thinks to herself. "We learned at the academy to find cloaked ships you should randomly fire torpedoes until we hit the ship, making it visible. Do we have any weapons we an fire?"
Jake shakes his head. "Nothing…the Flooritoids didn't give us a single torpedo."
Ensign Mackenzie suddenly jumps. "I have an idea! We can just throw someone out an airlock!"
Jake rolls his eyes. "Ensign, in the back, give me your boot!"
One of the other ensigns in the back of the ship hands Jake his boot. Jake quickly shoves it in the airlock and it gets sucked out into space.
Jessica leans over the sensor display. "We have something! A Xyrillian ship is decloaking directly behind us! Dropping to impulse speed!"
A Xyrillian captain appears on-screen. "Please do not hurt us! We only seek help! Our warp engines are damaged!"
Ensign Mackenzie smiles at the alien. "We would love to help free of cha--- "
Ensign Jessica smacks her hand over Mackenzie's lips. "Shut up! Sir, we will help you…if you give us a few things."
The alien asks, "Like what?"
Jessica, taking charge begins, "How about…a Xyrillian cloaking device, a hologram projector, and some food and water?"
The Alien nods wearily.
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise…
Archer walks down the passageway to find Porthos running in circles in the corridor. "What do you want, boy? What is it? Why are you whining like that? Say…you sound just like that time a Sulliban was sneaking up on me and---"
A lead pipe come crashing down on the Captains head and we see someone running of. Porthos continues running around his master whining. Finally, Porthos sticks his muzzle and finds a piece of cheese. After eating the cheese, Porthos walks off happy.
Fifteen minutes later, Trip walks through the hall and trips. "What the heck? I hope that wasn't another hung-over ensign…"
Trip turns over the body and finds it's the Captain. "Oh my god! Tucker to Sickbay! Doctor Phlox, get here right away! Help! Help!"
Ensign Cutler, attracted by the commotion, rushes over. She leans over the Captain and feels his neck. "He's dead, Trip."
Trip raises his fists in the air. "No!!! I never got to tell him I loved him!"
Phlox quickly hurries over and double-checks the Captains pulse. "He isn't dead, you idiots! You just don't know how to read a pulse, you stupid ensign!"
Ensign Cutler runs towards her quarters, crying.
Ten minutes later, in the sickbay…
T'Pol, Trip, Hoshi, Reed, and Doctor Phlox are gathered around the Captain. T'Pol asks, "Perhaps I should kiss him. That worked with Mr. Reed."
Reed suddenly looks startled. "That was you kissing me? Everything was fuzzy, and I thought it was Hoshi kissing me! Ew!"
Reed runs towards the bathrooms, spitting.
Phlox begins, "I'm afraid that won't work this time T'Pol. It appears he has a mild coma. He should be up within a few days. Meanwhile, we can still talk to him and he might here us."
Phlox asks, "Can you hear me, Captain Archer?" Phlox pushes a blue button and the Captains index finger twitches. "That must mean yes."
T'Pol asks, "Should I become acting commander, Captain?"
Phlox pushes a red button and the captain's pinky twitches. "I think that means no, Sub-Commander."
Trip pushes forward. "Then who should command?"
Phlox pushes a yellow button on his console, and the Captains middle finger twitches, which is pointing directly at Dr. Phlox.
Trip then turns his head. "Hey, I smell a rat here…"
Phlox hurriedly pushes the crew out of the room. "Okay, that's enough of a visit! Captain Archer needs his rest now!"
On the next episode: We get to see inside Archers mind, when he's in a coma!