Title: Another Day on the Enterprise
Chapter Title: Boarding
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Timeline: Enterprise
Disclaimer: See Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and/or 7.
*Scene: The NX-101 Enterprise glides through space. Stars whiz past it. Suddenly, a rather large asteroid bounces of the saucer section. We move onto the bridge, where everyone gets shook up and T'Pol falls out of the Captains chair.
T'Pol yells, "What happened? Ensign Mayweather, if you made us hit another asteroid, you're going down to the brig."
Mayweather tries to keep a straight face. "No I didn't do anything. We were just.passing through a meteor shower. Yea, that's right!"
T'Pol shakes her head. "Isn't the Captain supposed to be making his log entry right about now?"
Hoshi looks over several computer windows. "According to this, the Captain hasn't bothered to make a log entry for three days. Should I wake him up?"
T'Pol says, "Of course! We can't start the chapter without a log entry! Contact him immediately!"
Meanwhile, in the Captains head.
Archer looked around at the dense foliage that surrounded him. A feminine figure walked out of the foliage in front of him, wearing a flowing nightgown.
The women said, "Hello Archer. I want to thank you. I want to please you." With that she slipped of her nightgown, leaving some scanty underwear, and put her arms around Archer, pressing her body on his.
Archer smiled, "I want to please you to." Then he kissed her.
Suddenly, the women started to transform. She dissolved into a giant slug, spreading her slim all over his face.
Archer began screaming. "Aaaahhhhh! Aaaahhhh! Ahhh!"
Archer woke up with a start and sat up in his bed. "Aaahhhh!"
Hoshi commented over the intercom, "Did you have that bad dream again?"
Archer nodded to himself. "Yea. Say, how did you know I've been having bad dreams?"
Hoshi responded, "I like to use the comm. system to listen to people talk in their sleep. As I was supposed to tell you, you need to make your log entry."
Archer nodded to himself again. "Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I'll do it right away. Archer out."
Archer looked around his room, got dressed, and prepared to make his log entry. A suspicious thought crossed his mind, so he asked, "Computer, is the comm. link to the bridge still open?"
The computer responded simply, "Yes it is."
Archer clenched his fists. "Ensign Sato, turn of the comm. so I can make my log entry in private!"
Hoshi sounded embarrassed. "Sorry sir, right away."
The computer gave a short "Beep" to signal the comm. was turned off.
Archer finally began his log. "Captains Log, May 14, 2151. We are currently in route to Jupiter Station to pick up supplies, and are expected to get there in about one and a half weeks. Starfleet command has also asked us to change our course slightly, so we can monitor any activity of human freighters or Nausican pirates. A short, private service for Ensign Nick's family will be aired tomorrow over the Internet, so they can watch on as we blast his corpse out of a torpedo hatch into deep space. On a lighter note, Doctor Phlox was unfortunately unable to make a full-strength batch of nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has recently been complaining twice as much about the ship and various crewmembers body odors. Doctor Phlox says we cannot make a full-strength batch until we reach Jupiter Station. Thus, I am afraid the crew will have to endure the Wrath of T'Pol for the next two weeks. End Log."
Ten minutes later, on the bridge.
Archer walks onto the bridge. As he sits down, he makes his first order of the day. "One half-pound cheese burger, hold the onions." Ten minutes later, after the cook delivered the Captains order and T'Pol made several noisy complaints about the smell of animal flesh on the bridge, Archer says, "Report!"
Mr. Reed looks over his panel. "We are ready to change course off of the shipping lanes and head directly to Jupiter Station, and not passing Go."
Mayweather cocks his head, "What do you mean about not passing Go?"
Reed rolls his eyes and reports, "I mean, we are detecting a freighter and two Nausican freighters engaging each other in orbit of the planet Go, which is three light-years away from here."
Archer nods. "Maybe they're getting together for a tea party. Perhaps we should join him."
Reed rolls his eyes again. "Captain, let me reiterate.the Nausicans are probably attacking the freighter so that they can steal their supplies."
Archer nods. "Well, in that case, I say we go directly to Go. But perhaps we should make a slingshot maneuver past this planet Marvin Gardens first."
Reed asks, "Marvin Gardens? That planet doesn't appear on any of the star- charts."
Archer interrupts, "Yes it does! It's right here on this star-chart Mayweather gave me!"
Reed rolls his eyes yet again. "Captain, that's a Monopoly board, not a star-chart."
While Mayweather tries to keep from laughing, Archer stutters, "But.but.it's the same chart I used to find that Vulcan monastery and." Seeing that everyone on the bridge was staring at him, Archer shut up.
Archer finally spoke up again. "Uh.so, set course for Go then.engage."
Ten minutes later in the orbit of the planet Go.
The Enterprise drops out of Warp to find the remains of a human freighter and a half dozen Nausican ships.
Archer looks about irked. "Why didn't anyone tell me that the freighter was already destroyed? This could cause the death of dozens of crewmen, plus myself!"
Reed looks up sheepishly. "Actually, sir, I ignored the sensors so that we could get into a big firefight."
Archer shakes his hands in the air. "RREEEEEEDD!"
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"
Archer looks around. "Uh.just polarize the hull and prepare the phase cannons. And fire on the first Nausican ship."
Suddenly the ship is rocked by phaser fire. Reed Let's out a whoop, "Yehaw!"
T'Pol looks into her little periscope thing. "Captain, one Nausican ship has been destroyed by our torpedoes. We have tooken heavy damage in Engineering and the Mess Hall, and warp engines are disabled."
After the ship is battered by another round of phaser fire, Mayweather spins around in his seat. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a spacepod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"
Archer nods. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"
Shuttlebay responds, "Can we do it in five minutes Captain? We're in the middle of a game of gin rummy. And can you do something about all this rocking? It's really messing up our card game."
T'Pol addresses the Captain, "Sir, it appears that you idiotically neglected to call a red alert."
Archer shakes his head. "I always seem to forget that. All hands, this is the Captain! Red Alert! All hands to battle stations!"
Reed reports, "Captain, Mayweathers shuttle is underway. He should be able to intercept the nearest freighter within about.six days."
Archer nods. "Alright, target the next Nausican ship and fire!"
After the ship is battered a bit more, T'Pol reports, "Sir, warp engines, plasma extinguishers, kitchen, and the bathroom sink on deck five have all been disabled. We have destroyed two Nausican ships, and our hull polarizer is about to be disabled."
Archer looks around. "Why are we losing so badly?"
Reed reports, "Sir, no one can pilot the ship."
Archer asks, "What the hell do you mean, no one can pilot the ship?"
Reed explains, "Well, Mayweather is gone, and his replacement, Ensign Jessica is missing in deep space and presumed dead. The same is true for the back-up replacement, Ensign Michael, and the Emergency back-up Replacement pilot, Ensign Nick, was accidentally killed by my security personnel two days ago."
The Captain shakes his fists in the air. "REEEEEEED!"
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"
Archer shrugs. "I'm really starting to consider demoting you, Mr. Reed."
T'Pol reports, "Weapons systems and hull polarizer have been disabled, Captain. We are defenseless."
Hoshi looks up. "Captain, we're being hailed by a Nausican ship. They demand our surrender."
Archer nods. "Onscreen."
A Nausican captain appears on the screen. "Sir, you have some hamburger meat on your lips."
Archer feels his mouth. "I do?"
The Nausican captain nods. "Yes.right here." The Nausican points to a point on his lips.
Archer finally whips away the hamburger meat on the edge of his lips. "Thanks."
The Nausican nods. "Now, to the matter at hand.our people seek supplies. We would have gotten supplies from the freighter, but my idiot gunner accidentally destroyed the entire ship. So now, we must take supplies from your ship."
Archer stands up. "You seem to have us at your mercy. However, if you board my ship, I promise we will fight to the last redshirt."
The Nausican shakes his head. "I have enough troops to destroy everyone on your ship. However, I am not a mass murderer. Perhaps we can compromise."
Archer nods. "I'm listening."
The Nausican offers a deal. "We will take your ship, and put you down on the closest habitable planet. And that just happens to be planet Go, directly beneath us."
Archer thinks for a minute, and says, "I'll take it."
Ten minutes later, the entire crew has been transported to the surface of the planet. The crew's struggle has only begun.
To be continued.
*Scene: The NX-101 Enterprise glides through space. Stars whiz past it. Suddenly, a rather large asteroid bounces of the saucer section. We move onto the bridge, where everyone gets shook up and T'Pol falls out of the Captains chair.
T'Pol yells, "What happened? Ensign Mayweather, if you made us hit another asteroid, you're going down to the brig."
Mayweather tries to keep a straight face. "No I didn't do anything. We were just.passing through a meteor shower. Yea, that's right!"
T'Pol shakes her head. "Isn't the Captain supposed to be making his log entry right about now?"
Hoshi looks over several computer windows. "According to this, the Captain hasn't bothered to make a log entry for three days. Should I wake him up?"
T'Pol says, "Of course! We can't start the chapter without a log entry! Contact him immediately!"
Meanwhile, in the Captains head.
Archer looked around at the dense foliage that surrounded him. A feminine figure walked out of the foliage in front of him, wearing a flowing nightgown.
The women said, "Hello Archer. I want to thank you. I want to please you." With that she slipped of her nightgown, leaving some scanty underwear, and put her arms around Archer, pressing her body on his.
Archer smiled, "I want to please you to." Then he kissed her.
Suddenly, the women started to transform. She dissolved into a giant slug, spreading her slim all over his face.
Archer began screaming. "Aaaahhhhh! Aaaahhhh! Ahhh!"
Archer woke up with a start and sat up in his bed. "Aaahhhh!"
Hoshi commented over the intercom, "Did you have that bad dream again?"
Archer nodded to himself. "Yea. Say, how did you know I've been having bad dreams?"
Hoshi responded, "I like to use the comm. system to listen to people talk in their sleep. As I was supposed to tell you, you need to make your log entry."
Archer nodded to himself again. "Tell Sub-Commander T'Pol I'll do it right away. Archer out."
Archer looked around his room, got dressed, and prepared to make his log entry. A suspicious thought crossed his mind, so he asked, "Computer, is the comm. link to the bridge still open?"
The computer responded simply, "Yes it is."
Archer clenched his fists. "Ensign Sato, turn of the comm. so I can make my log entry in private!"
Hoshi sounded embarrassed. "Sorry sir, right away."
The computer gave a short "Beep" to signal the comm. was turned off.
Archer finally began his log. "Captains Log, May 14, 2151. We are currently in route to Jupiter Station to pick up supplies, and are expected to get there in about one and a half weeks. Starfleet command has also asked us to change our course slightly, so we can monitor any activity of human freighters or Nausican pirates. A short, private service for Ensign Nick's family will be aired tomorrow over the Internet, so they can watch on as we blast his corpse out of a torpedo hatch into deep space. On a lighter note, Doctor Phlox was unfortunately unable to make a full-strength batch of nasal numbing agent, and T'Pol has recently been complaining twice as much about the ship and various crewmembers body odors. Doctor Phlox says we cannot make a full-strength batch until we reach Jupiter Station. Thus, I am afraid the crew will have to endure the Wrath of T'Pol for the next two weeks. End Log."
Ten minutes later, on the bridge.
Archer walks onto the bridge. As he sits down, he makes his first order of the day. "One half-pound cheese burger, hold the onions." Ten minutes later, after the cook delivered the Captains order and T'Pol made several noisy complaints about the smell of animal flesh on the bridge, Archer says, "Report!"
Mr. Reed looks over his panel. "We are ready to change course off of the shipping lanes and head directly to Jupiter Station, and not passing Go."
Mayweather cocks his head, "What do you mean about not passing Go?"
Reed rolls his eyes and reports, "I mean, we are detecting a freighter and two Nausican freighters engaging each other in orbit of the planet Go, which is three light-years away from here."
Archer nods. "Maybe they're getting together for a tea party. Perhaps we should join him."
Reed rolls his eyes again. "Captain, let me reiterate.the Nausicans are probably attacking the freighter so that they can steal their supplies."
Archer nods. "Well, in that case, I say we go directly to Go. But perhaps we should make a slingshot maneuver past this planet Marvin Gardens first."
Reed asks, "Marvin Gardens? That planet doesn't appear on any of the star- charts."
Archer interrupts, "Yes it does! It's right here on this star-chart Mayweather gave me!"
Reed rolls his eyes yet again. "Captain, that's a Monopoly board, not a star-chart."
While Mayweather tries to keep from laughing, Archer stutters, "But.but.it's the same chart I used to find that Vulcan monastery and." Seeing that everyone on the bridge was staring at him, Archer shut up.
Archer finally spoke up again. "Uh.so, set course for Go then.engage."
Ten minutes later in the orbit of the planet Go.
The Enterprise drops out of Warp to find the remains of a human freighter and a half dozen Nausican ships.
Archer looks about irked. "Why didn't anyone tell me that the freighter was already destroyed? This could cause the death of dozens of crewmen, plus myself!"
Reed looks up sheepishly. "Actually, sir, I ignored the sensors so that we could get into a big firefight."
Archer shakes his hands in the air. "RREEEEEEDD!"
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"
Archer looks around. "Uh.just polarize the hull and prepare the phase cannons. And fire on the first Nausican ship."
Suddenly the ship is rocked by phaser fire. Reed Let's out a whoop, "Yehaw!"
T'Pol looks into her little periscope thing. "Captain, one Nausican ship has been destroyed by our torpedoes. We have tooken heavy damage in Engineering and the Mess Hall, and warp engines are disabled."
After the ship is battered by another round of phaser fire, Mayweather spins around in his seat. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a spacepod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"
Archer nods. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"
Shuttlebay responds, "Can we do it in five minutes Captain? We're in the middle of a game of gin rummy. And can you do something about all this rocking? It's really messing up our card game."
T'Pol addresses the Captain, "Sir, it appears that you idiotically neglected to call a red alert."
Archer shakes his head. "I always seem to forget that. All hands, this is the Captain! Red Alert! All hands to battle stations!"
Reed reports, "Captain, Mayweathers shuttle is underway. He should be able to intercept the nearest freighter within about.six days."
Archer nods. "Alright, target the next Nausican ship and fire!"
After the ship is battered a bit more, T'Pol reports, "Sir, warp engines, plasma extinguishers, kitchen, and the bathroom sink on deck five have all been disabled. We have destroyed two Nausican ships, and our hull polarizer is about to be disabled."
Archer looks around. "Why are we losing so badly?"
Reed reports, "Sir, no one can pilot the ship."
Archer asks, "What the hell do you mean, no one can pilot the ship?"
Reed explains, "Well, Mayweather is gone, and his replacement, Ensign Jessica is missing in deep space and presumed dead. The same is true for the back-up replacement, Ensign Michael, and the Emergency back-up Replacement pilot, Ensign Nick, was accidentally killed by my security personnel two days ago."
The Captain shakes his fists in the air. "REEEEEEED!"
Reed looks up. "Yes Captain?"
Archer shrugs. "I'm really starting to consider demoting you, Mr. Reed."
T'Pol reports, "Weapons systems and hull polarizer have been disabled, Captain. We are defenseless."
Hoshi looks up. "Captain, we're being hailed by a Nausican ship. They demand our surrender."
Archer nods. "Onscreen."
A Nausican captain appears on the screen. "Sir, you have some hamburger meat on your lips."
Archer feels his mouth. "I do?"
The Nausican captain nods. "Yes.right here." The Nausican points to a point on his lips.
Archer finally whips away the hamburger meat on the edge of his lips. "Thanks."
The Nausican nods. "Now, to the matter at hand.our people seek supplies. We would have gotten supplies from the freighter, but my idiot gunner accidentally destroyed the entire ship. So now, we must take supplies from your ship."
Archer stands up. "You seem to have us at your mercy. However, if you board my ship, I promise we will fight to the last redshirt."
The Nausican shakes his head. "I have enough troops to destroy everyone on your ship. However, I am not a mass murderer. Perhaps we can compromise."
Archer nods. "I'm listening."
The Nausican offers a deal. "We will take your ship, and put you down on the closest habitable planet. And that just happens to be planet Go, directly beneath us."
Archer thinks for a minute, and says, "I'll take it."
Ten minutes later, the entire crew has been transported to the surface of the planet. The crew's struggle has only begun.
To be continued.