Title: Another Day on the Enterprise
Chapter Title: Go
Genre: Humor
Main Characters: N/A
Series Time line: Enterprise
Disclaimer: See chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and/or 7
*Scene: Captain Archer slowly climbs a sand-dune on the barren, desert planet of Go. He is dressed in desert garments and rags, Lawrence of Arabia style. He pulls out a tricorder and begins speaking into it.
"Captains log, July 4, 2151. The entire Enterprise crew has been stranded here with me for nearly two months. Anarchy rules in the small colony that Reed quickly christened as 'New Britannica'. I get just a little worried about that guy some times. He's begun muscling the crew with security teams so that he could build up a monopoly on all pineapple rations. We're almost to the point of eating dirt. Or at least, the ensigns are about to eat dirt. I was smart enough to hide about half of the rations so I could eat them later. Now if only I could remember were I buried my cache among all these sand dunes..."
Archer put away his tricorder and began digging random holes in the sand. Our view pans upward so that we can see over the dune that the captain was standing on. Just past the sand dune lies hundreds of holes as far as the eye can see. Navigating all these holes walks Sub-commander T'Pol. T'Pol's cat-suit was still just as tidy as the day they landed.
After about five minutes, T'Pol reaches the Captains position. "Sir, I have something you might want to see."
Archer looked up with a smile on his face. "T'Pol, you have only two things I want to see."
T'Pol reaches down to Archer, in his hole, and gives him a Vulcan nerve pinch. She then grabs the end of his tunic and drags him back to base camp.
Ten minutes later, in New Britannica...
Archer comes to in a tent that contains all his senior officers. He has sand all over him, in him, and on him. Archer stands up and brushes off some dirt from his chest. "So, what did you want to brief me on?"
Reed picks up a strange looking device and sets it on the table in front of him. "Using a communicator, phase pistol, and some sand, Trip and I were able to construct a temporal communicator."
Archer glared at him. "Reed, just what did I tell you about playing in Crewmen Daniels quarters?"
Reed lowered his head. "Sorry, but I couldn't resist my urges."
Archer looked past Reed at T'Pol. "Well, Reed, just remember that as a Starfleet officer you can't run on impulse all the time. You have to be responsible."
Reed followed the Captains gaze. "Well then, why do you keep staring at T'Pol's chest?"
"Uh, wha...huh? What?" The captain quickly started paying attention again, as he whipped some drool from the corner of his mouth.
Reed rolled his eyes. Trip stepped up, and pointed at the device. "Anyway, Cap'n, this here baby will transmit up to two months into the past at over a 1000 gigahertz frequency, using cross-Legrange reference points to refine the beam."
The captain looked at T'Pol again. "So, what do you think?"
T'Pol pointed at the device. "This will not work, because time travel is illogical. The Vulcan Science Directorate said so."
Archer yelled at her, "Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it!"
T'Pol walked out of the tent, mumbling, "I'll do a better job at it then you can."
Reed looked at Hoshi, who's clothing had been torn up in the landing, and replaced with a few rags. "Would you like the honor of firing her up?"
Trip and Malcolm stood back as Hoshi began operating the communicator. As she bent over, Trip and Malcolm got some nice views. Trip whispered, "It's too bad we have to change this set-up."
Reed shook his head and whispered back. "We have to do it. It was nice while it lasted, but I'm running out of pineapples..."
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on May 14, 2151...
The ship was rock by another round of Nausican fire, and Reed's grin grew ever larger. Mayweather spun around in his seat and faced the captain. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a space pod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"
Archer nodded. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"
Just as Mayweather left, Hoshi looked up. "Captain! We're being hailed by the planet's surface! They claim to be from the future!"
Archer gasped. "On screen!"
A floating Captain Archer head appeared in front of the screen. "Hey, me! Nice to see ya!"
Archer admired himself. "You look fantastic!"
Floating Archer replied, "You too, baby!"
The ship was jerked by a phaser hit, and floating Archer hit his head on the ceiling. Reed coughed. "Excuse you gentlemen, but we need some tactical advice!"
Floating Archer nodded, or more accurately, bobbled. "Oh yeah! Don't let Mayweather escape! He's the only one who can pilot the ship!"
Reed turned toward his comm. Channel. "All security units! Capture Ensign Mayweather and return him to the bridge!"
Meanwhile, in the corridor leading to Shuttle Bay 2...
Mayweather heard the announcement and began running faster. "Oh crap!" Mayweather saw security teams running at him from the front of the corridor, and then from behind him, so he jumped into a hatch to his side. Luckily, the hatch lead to Shuttle Bay 1. Mayweather jumped into Shuttlepod One just as a plasma blast ricocheted of the shuttlepod's hull. Mayweather yelled at the guards, "Ha ha! I finally escape!", as he shut the hatch and brought the shuttle to a slight hover over the hanger floor.
In retaliation, the guards set their plasma weapons to maximum charge and aimed for the shuttles engines. Trip jumped in front of them, screaming, "No! I just purged the impulse manifold on that shuttle!" Just then, Mayweather brought the shuttle to slam through the hanger, tearing the hull open, and causing the security team and Trip to be sucked out into space.
Meanwhile, on the bridge...
Reed looked up from his panel. "We just lost the security team, and we still don't have anyone to fly the ship!"
Floating Archer looked at Sitting Archer. "Hey, don't we know how to pilot?"
Sitting Archer exclaimed, "Oh yeah!" With that, he jumped up to Mayweathers post and began piloting. The battle quickly turned even, but the Enterprise was still taking heavy damage. Reed yelled a report, "Dorsal phase cannons gone! Left nacelle gone! Shuttlebay destroyed! Ladies bathroom toilet on Deck 5 plugged!"
Floating Archer screamed, "Ah! I'm gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
Hoshi swatted at the floating head. "That's my job! Ah!" Hoshi ran to her quarters alternately crying and screaming.
Floating Archer said, "Hey, I just remembered something. Future Trip said there's something like a temporal field transversal in the planets ionic atmosphere. If you pass through that everything will be reset."
Reed yelled over the crackle of braking wires, "He's right! The reset meter detector is showing a nearby reset anomaly! I suggest we use it!"
Archer, with the last of his strength, pulled the ship into a slight dive, but then he fell back, ready to pass out. Just then, Porthos showed up on the bridge and began tugging at Archer's arm. "What is it boy? You need me to finish?" Finally, Porthos jumped up and took a piece of cheese from Archers pocket. As he jumped down, he pushed on the lever that turned the Enterprise towards the planet GO.
Right about then, Hoshi showed up again, and she and floating Archer clutched each other, screaming. "Ah! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"
With that, the Enterprise slammed into the atmosphere and burned to a crisp.
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on July 4, 2151...
Floating Archer jumped, and arrived on the bridge screaming that they were all gonna die. "Oh! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"
Archer turned around to see that he was a whole body again, aboard a pristine Enterprise. Hoshi was sitting at the conn, gripping in tension, in a complete uniform, and Reed and Trip were giving high-fives, congratulating each other on their success. Archer smiled. "Well, it looks like Mayweather never abandoned us, Trip isn't dead, and the Enterprise didn't burn to a crisp."
Reed sat down at his station. "Sir, I am detecting a shuttlepod from the past Enterprise moving away from the system at high impulse. Should we intercept?"
Archer looked at Mayweather, who was gleefully turning the ship toward the nearest asteroid field. "I think we all have had enough Mayweathers for one generation."
T'Pol spoke up, "I still don't believe in time travel..."
Meanwhile, onboard evil temporal clone Shuttlepod One...
Evil temporal clone Mayweather looked around the shuttle, his little kingdom. His plan was in the works...he'd go find the other abandoned ensigns and plot revenge. He had already located a small warp trail leading in the general direction of Risa...
Authors log: March 28, 2003. I find it hard to believe it's been over a year since I started this story. Sorry that I've been absent for about 7 months. It's a long story involving Oregon, which I don't care to tell. Anyway, I passed English 9, and now I'll be writing quite a bit more...
Disclaimer: See chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and/or 7
*Scene: Captain Archer slowly climbs a sand-dune on the barren, desert planet of Go. He is dressed in desert garments and rags, Lawrence of Arabia style. He pulls out a tricorder and begins speaking into it.
"Captains log, July 4, 2151. The entire Enterprise crew has been stranded here with me for nearly two months. Anarchy rules in the small colony that Reed quickly christened as 'New Britannica'. I get just a little worried about that guy some times. He's begun muscling the crew with security teams so that he could build up a monopoly on all pineapple rations. We're almost to the point of eating dirt. Or at least, the ensigns are about to eat dirt. I was smart enough to hide about half of the rations so I could eat them later. Now if only I could remember were I buried my cache among all these sand dunes..."
Archer put away his tricorder and began digging random holes in the sand. Our view pans upward so that we can see over the dune that the captain was standing on. Just past the sand dune lies hundreds of holes as far as the eye can see. Navigating all these holes walks Sub-commander T'Pol. T'Pol's cat-suit was still just as tidy as the day they landed.
After about five minutes, T'Pol reaches the Captains position. "Sir, I have something you might want to see."
Archer looked up with a smile on his face. "T'Pol, you have only two things I want to see."
T'Pol reaches down to Archer, in his hole, and gives him a Vulcan nerve pinch. She then grabs the end of his tunic and drags him back to base camp.
Ten minutes later, in New Britannica...
Archer comes to in a tent that contains all his senior officers. He has sand all over him, in him, and on him. Archer stands up and brushes off some dirt from his chest. "So, what did you want to brief me on?"
Reed picks up a strange looking device and sets it on the table in front of him. "Using a communicator, phase pistol, and some sand, Trip and I were able to construct a temporal communicator."
Archer glared at him. "Reed, just what did I tell you about playing in Crewmen Daniels quarters?"
Reed lowered his head. "Sorry, but I couldn't resist my urges."
Archer looked past Reed at T'Pol. "Well, Reed, just remember that as a Starfleet officer you can't run on impulse all the time. You have to be responsible."
Reed followed the Captains gaze. "Well then, why do you keep staring at T'Pol's chest?"
"Uh, wha...huh? What?" The captain quickly started paying attention again, as he whipped some drool from the corner of his mouth.
Reed rolled his eyes. Trip stepped up, and pointed at the device. "Anyway, Cap'n, this here baby will transmit up to two months into the past at over a 1000 gigahertz frequency, using cross-Legrange reference points to refine the beam."
The captain looked at T'Pol again. "So, what do you think?"
T'Pol pointed at the device. "This will not work, because time travel is illogical. The Vulcan Science Directorate said so."
Archer yelled at her, "Take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it!"
T'Pol walked out of the tent, mumbling, "I'll do a better job at it then you can."
Reed looked at Hoshi, who's clothing had been torn up in the landing, and replaced with a few rags. "Would you like the honor of firing her up?"
Trip and Malcolm stood back as Hoshi began operating the communicator. As she bent over, Trip and Malcolm got some nice views. Trip whispered, "It's too bad we have to change this set-up."
Reed shook his head and whispered back. "We have to do it. It was nice while it lasted, but I'm running out of pineapples..."
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on May 14, 2151...
The ship was rock by another round of Nausican fire, and Reed's grin grew ever larger. Mayweather spun around in his seat and faced the captain. "Captain, I have an idea! I can take out a space pod and track down some freighters, and convince them to help us!"
Archer nodded. "Do it! Bridge to Shuttlebay, prepare a shuttle for Ensign Mayweather!"
Just as Mayweather left, Hoshi looked up. "Captain! We're being hailed by the planet's surface! They claim to be from the future!"
Archer gasped. "On screen!"
A floating Captain Archer head appeared in front of the screen. "Hey, me! Nice to see ya!"
Archer admired himself. "You look fantastic!"
Floating Archer replied, "You too, baby!"
The ship was jerked by a phaser hit, and floating Archer hit his head on the ceiling. Reed coughed. "Excuse you gentlemen, but we need some tactical advice!"
Floating Archer nodded, or more accurately, bobbled. "Oh yeah! Don't let Mayweather escape! He's the only one who can pilot the ship!"
Reed turned toward his comm. Channel. "All security units! Capture Ensign Mayweather and return him to the bridge!"
Meanwhile, in the corridor leading to Shuttle Bay 2...
Mayweather heard the announcement and began running faster. "Oh crap!" Mayweather saw security teams running at him from the front of the corridor, and then from behind him, so he jumped into a hatch to his side. Luckily, the hatch lead to Shuttle Bay 1. Mayweather jumped into Shuttlepod One just as a plasma blast ricocheted of the shuttlepod's hull. Mayweather yelled at the guards, "Ha ha! I finally escape!", as he shut the hatch and brought the shuttle to a slight hover over the hanger floor.
In retaliation, the guards set their plasma weapons to maximum charge and aimed for the shuttles engines. Trip jumped in front of them, screaming, "No! I just purged the impulse manifold on that shuttle!" Just then, Mayweather brought the shuttle to slam through the hanger, tearing the hull open, and causing the security team and Trip to be sucked out into space.
Meanwhile, on the bridge...
Reed looked up from his panel. "We just lost the security team, and we still don't have anyone to fly the ship!"
Floating Archer looked at Sitting Archer. "Hey, don't we know how to pilot?"
Sitting Archer exclaimed, "Oh yeah!" With that, he jumped up to Mayweathers post and began piloting. The battle quickly turned even, but the Enterprise was still taking heavy damage. Reed yelled a report, "Dorsal phase cannons gone! Left nacelle gone! Shuttlebay destroyed! Ladies bathroom toilet on Deck 5 plugged!"
Floating Archer screamed, "Ah! I'm gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
Hoshi swatted at the floating head. "That's my job! Ah!" Hoshi ran to her quarters alternately crying and screaming.
Floating Archer said, "Hey, I just remembered something. Future Trip said there's something like a temporal field transversal in the planets ionic atmosphere. If you pass through that everything will be reset."
Reed yelled over the crackle of braking wires, "He's right! The reset meter detector is showing a nearby reset anomaly! I suggest we use it!"
Archer, with the last of his strength, pulled the ship into a slight dive, but then he fell back, ready to pass out. Just then, Porthos showed up on the bridge and began tugging at Archer's arm. "What is it boy? You need me to finish?" Finally, Porthos jumped up and took a piece of cheese from Archers pocket. As he jumped down, he pushed on the lever that turned the Enterprise towards the planet GO.
Right about then, Hoshi showed up again, and she and floating Archer clutched each other, screaming. "Ah! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"
With that, the Enterprise slammed into the atmosphere and burned to a crisp.
Sort of meanwhile, on the Enterprise, on July 4, 2151...
Floating Archer jumped, and arrived on the bridge screaming that they were all gonna die. "Oh! We're gonna hit! We're all gonna die!"
Archer turned around to see that he was a whole body again, aboard a pristine Enterprise. Hoshi was sitting at the conn, gripping in tension, in a complete uniform, and Reed and Trip were giving high-fives, congratulating each other on their success. Archer smiled. "Well, it looks like Mayweather never abandoned us, Trip isn't dead, and the Enterprise didn't burn to a crisp."
Reed sat down at his station. "Sir, I am detecting a shuttlepod from the past Enterprise moving away from the system at high impulse. Should we intercept?"
Archer looked at Mayweather, who was gleefully turning the ship toward the nearest asteroid field. "I think we all have had enough Mayweathers for one generation."
T'Pol spoke up, "I still don't believe in time travel..."
Meanwhile, onboard evil temporal clone Shuttlepod One...
Evil temporal clone Mayweather looked around the shuttle, his little kingdom. His plan was in the works...he'd go find the other abandoned ensigns and plot revenge. He had already located a small warp trail leading in the general direction of Risa...
Authors log: March 28, 2003. I find it hard to believe it's been over a year since I started this story. Sorry that I've been absent for about 7 months. It's a long story involving Oregon, which I don't care to tell. Anyway, I passed English 9, and now I'll be writing quite a bit more...