Chapter Five
"Matt is here," her mother said gently from the doorway. "Do you want to see him?"
Bonnie turned to stare at her mother and sighed. To see or not to see, she thought. That is the question.
She found it incredibly difficult to dredge up any type of energy. It was already difficult enough to force a smile whenever anyone important visited her. Matt had been intelligent enough to keep away from her so far but had still sent several bouquets of roses in various colours despite the obvious friction between them. Bonnie didn't have the heart to throw them away. Plus, it helped to keep the smell of impending doom at bay.
Unbelievably, there is such a smell.
She wasn't sure which was worse: the fact that Damon hadn't shown up to help her or the fact that he hadn't shown up to say goodbye. Her close friends had come to visit every afternoon, full of smiles but the joy never reached their eyes.
Perhaps, the one person who understood Bonnie's suffering was Stefan. He had lived and lost much in his long life. He remained silent but supportive, exactly what she needed. She still hadn't told him she had tried to contact Damon. That was private.
Along with every afternoon meeting, Meredith, Caroline, Elena and Stefan always made sure to say the appropriate thing so that when she did pass away, they wouldn't have the guilt of never saying that she wasn't loved. It was terribly obvious.
It was time to make amends and allow Matt the opportunity to heal. But considering everything that had happened to her, honesty was important.
"Okay," Bonnie said, sighing again.
A blond head poked around the door and he seemed uncertain of his welcome.
Bonnie pulled herself up into a sitting position, leaned against her pillows and crossed her arms.
The expression of self-hatred on his face made her want to laugh. He was blaming her illness on himself.
Like he mattered that much to her, she thought ruefully. She almost snorted but covered it up by clearing her throat.
Matt sat down on the chair placed nearest to the door. His hands were restless and he wouldn't meet her eyes.
"Bonnie, I-"
"Matt, it's all right. We all knew that Elena would always be your love but I figured that once you saw Stefan and her together that you would be intelligent enough to move on. I suppose I was terribly naïve to think that you would be happy with me. I'm obviously not the person you need."
His head sunk a little more. "I'm sorry-"
"I'm not finished. You are also, not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would understand my feelings and be a friend. That is all that I wanted from you."
"I'll always be your friend," he said, risking a quick glance at her eyes.
"I know that Matt. That is why I let you in my room. Don't worry about little old me," she said, bestowing a fake smile upon him. "I'm a fighter and you'd be surprised what lengths I'll go to live a little longer."
"Where does that leave us?"
Bonnie stared at him. "Nowhere. That part of our relationship is over. It's time to rebuild the rest in the time still left to us."
And not much time was left, she thought. Either the inevitable had to be faced or else live in a world of denial.
Matt smiled at her.
"Look, I am feeling kind of tired," she said, trying not to squirm. "Do you mind letting me get some rest?"
"Sure," he said with forced cheerfulness.
Matt got up and patted her foot. Bonnie tried not to grind her teeth when she smiled politely at him.
When he had left the room, she muttered, "I am so full of shit."
********
The clock said 2 a.m.
Bonnie sunk further into her pillows and reached for the remote control, flicking channels until something caught her eye. She stopped at a channel playing an old vampire movie called The Lost Boys. She honestly couldn't help herself and started to laugh at the part where the youngest brother Sam and the Frog brothers went down into the vampire lair on the coast and staked the smallest vampire.
"Making plans?" A soft voice called from the sill of the open window.
Bonnie's eyes widened and she muted the movie. Taking a deep breath, she slowly turned to face Damon.
She swallowed, taking him in while self-consciously touching her dull, lifeless hair. She knew that she looked terribly fragile and beaten down by large brown eyes surrounded by dark circles.
His black eyes narrowed while he stared at her. She could feel his power reach out to touch her body, trying to figure out what was wrong with her.
She smiled weakly and raised a hand to indicate the seat next to her. "I'm glad you came."
"Why," he asked darkly and didn't move. His face was expressionless.
"Because I wanted to see you," she said, feeling her eyes filled with tears. She bit her abundantly trembling lip, unwilling to cry in front of him.
"What do you want Bonnie?" he said coldly. "Why did you call for me?"
Whatever Bonnie had expected, it wasn't this. He could at least act partially happy to see her, she thought angrily.
As she stared into his wary eyes, Bonnie couldn't find the strength to tell him the real reason she had contacted him. Hell, she'd even forgotten why she had asked for him in the whole mess of dying.
While she stared at him, Bonnie knew that she couldn't ask him anymore. It was a betrayal to what he meant to her. How could she ask him, when in truth it was an insult. She wondered if anyone had simply asked Damon to be there for support, when most only wanted something from him.
Well, it was time to try, to see what was beneath that layer of black leather and skin.
She steeled her resolve and met his eyes. "Look, Damon. This is hard for me to say, but about three weeks ago I found out, I had leukemia. I've made amends and seen everyone in my life that has some meaning to me. Everyone except you, that is. Please, would you stop staring at me like that and sit down?"
He gracefully sat down in the chair next to her bed. "Can anything be done?"
"No," she replied simply. She could feel his eyes on her, daring her to ask him. She would be damned to even try to form the sentence.
"Why am I here?" he asked again.
"Look, despite everything that happened between us, I still care about you. I just thought you might like to say goodbye to an old friend, that's all."
She could feel her face flame up at the lie but when she really thought About it, it was true. And for the first time in her life, at this strange junction between life and death, she didn't fear his intensions toward her. It no longer mattered and with that, Bonnie took the necessary step to place their relationship on the next level. Damon was a friend and she would treat him as she would any friend.
She lifted the bowl of popcorn from her lap and propelled it in his direction. "Popcorn?"
"No, thank you."
"Here, have a soda." She reached down beside her bed and pulled out an ice cold Pepsi from the mini-fridge her father had bought Bonnie to stop her from descending the stairs to the kitchen. She opened it and handed it to him.
He just stared at it like it was something alien.
Still holding out the drink to him, Bonnie said, "Look to make this easier on you, consider spending time with me as a last request. We both know that you Salvatore boys are suckers for dying women's last requests."
Bonnie could feel his sudden spark of amusement and she fought back the first genuine smile that tried to form itself on her lips.
"You can't be serious," he said quietly.
"Just drink the damned Pepsi and watch the movie with me," she growled.
Damon shrugged out of his jacket and rested his feet on her bed. His soft black boots looked more expensive than her parent's entire entertainment centre located on the main floor.
Bonnie returned the sound to the movie just in time to see the master vampire be staked by a fence post.
"You do realize that the probability of that actually working is quite minimal," Bonnie said, in fact, while popping an extra salted kernel into her mouth. "I mean, who's to say that a rather large fence post would have actually managed to fly out of a speeding truck after it crashed into a house and strike the master vampire in the perfect spot."
"Really," Damon said, sounding like she was a complete idiot.
"Just didn't want you to get scared," Bonnie added, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.
He shook his head and tentatively sipped the Pepsi.
"Well?" Bonnie asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"I prefer coca-cola," Damon replied smoothly, setting the can on her dresser.
"Who doesn't? I just don't have the heart to tell my mother yet. I'd offer you something else, but you know, I kind of need it right now and I'm rather fond of my family."
"I've eaten."
Bonnie swallowed thickly. "Well, all the better then."
"Bonnie-"
"I'm glad you came," she interrupted. "No matter what." She looked down at her skeletal fingers and fiddled with the ring her grandmother had given her. "You wouldn't mind keeping me company, would you? I kind of like having someone with me who has fought off death for a few centuries."
"I'd have thought you would have preferred Stefan to me," Damon said, staring at the movie credits.
"No offence, but he can be a little bit of a downer."
Damon snorted in amusement. "Finally, someone besides me has noticed."
Bonnie shakily reached out a hand and grasped his. Even to Bonnie, she realized her grip had lost much of its strength. "Please?"
He stared down at her hand and slowly turned his palm up and grasped hers before bringing her knuckles up to his lips. His cool breath raised the hairs on the back of her neck just before he kissed her hand.
Bonnie ignored the answering warmth in her stomach that followed that kiss.
Just then, the theme for Night of the Living Dead came on. Bonnie shifted more comfortably into her pillows, glad to have his support.
"Don't forget to finish your Pepsi," she said, stuffing a handful of popcorn into her mouth in an attempt to hold in a snicker.
In resignation, he lifted the can again and took another sip.
At some point during the night, Bonnie had slowly sunk off into sleep. It was in the last moment of awareness that she realized that Damon was only then removing her hand from his.
"Matt is here," her mother said gently from the doorway. "Do you want to see him?"
Bonnie turned to stare at her mother and sighed. To see or not to see, she thought. That is the question.
She found it incredibly difficult to dredge up any type of energy. It was already difficult enough to force a smile whenever anyone important visited her. Matt had been intelligent enough to keep away from her so far but had still sent several bouquets of roses in various colours despite the obvious friction between them. Bonnie didn't have the heart to throw them away. Plus, it helped to keep the smell of impending doom at bay.
Unbelievably, there is such a smell.
She wasn't sure which was worse: the fact that Damon hadn't shown up to help her or the fact that he hadn't shown up to say goodbye. Her close friends had come to visit every afternoon, full of smiles but the joy never reached their eyes.
Perhaps, the one person who understood Bonnie's suffering was Stefan. He had lived and lost much in his long life. He remained silent but supportive, exactly what she needed. She still hadn't told him she had tried to contact Damon. That was private.
Along with every afternoon meeting, Meredith, Caroline, Elena and Stefan always made sure to say the appropriate thing so that when she did pass away, they wouldn't have the guilt of never saying that she wasn't loved. It was terribly obvious.
It was time to make amends and allow Matt the opportunity to heal. But considering everything that had happened to her, honesty was important.
"Okay," Bonnie said, sighing again.
A blond head poked around the door and he seemed uncertain of his welcome.
Bonnie pulled herself up into a sitting position, leaned against her pillows and crossed her arms.
The expression of self-hatred on his face made her want to laugh. He was blaming her illness on himself.
Like he mattered that much to her, she thought ruefully. She almost snorted but covered it up by clearing her throat.
Matt sat down on the chair placed nearest to the door. His hands were restless and he wouldn't meet her eyes.
"Bonnie, I-"
"Matt, it's all right. We all knew that Elena would always be your love but I figured that once you saw Stefan and her together that you would be intelligent enough to move on. I suppose I was terribly naïve to think that you would be happy with me. I'm obviously not the person you need."
His head sunk a little more. "I'm sorry-"
"I'm not finished. You are also, not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would understand my feelings and be a friend. That is all that I wanted from you."
"I'll always be your friend," he said, risking a quick glance at her eyes.
"I know that Matt. That is why I let you in my room. Don't worry about little old me," she said, bestowing a fake smile upon him. "I'm a fighter and you'd be surprised what lengths I'll go to live a little longer."
"Where does that leave us?"
Bonnie stared at him. "Nowhere. That part of our relationship is over. It's time to rebuild the rest in the time still left to us."
And not much time was left, she thought. Either the inevitable had to be faced or else live in a world of denial.
Matt smiled at her.
"Look, I am feeling kind of tired," she said, trying not to squirm. "Do you mind letting me get some rest?"
"Sure," he said with forced cheerfulness.
Matt got up and patted her foot. Bonnie tried not to grind her teeth when she smiled politely at him.
When he had left the room, she muttered, "I am so full of shit."
********
The clock said 2 a.m.
Bonnie sunk further into her pillows and reached for the remote control, flicking channels until something caught her eye. She stopped at a channel playing an old vampire movie called The Lost Boys. She honestly couldn't help herself and started to laugh at the part where the youngest brother Sam and the Frog brothers went down into the vampire lair on the coast and staked the smallest vampire.
"Making plans?" A soft voice called from the sill of the open window.
Bonnie's eyes widened and she muted the movie. Taking a deep breath, she slowly turned to face Damon.
She swallowed, taking him in while self-consciously touching her dull, lifeless hair. She knew that she looked terribly fragile and beaten down by large brown eyes surrounded by dark circles.
His black eyes narrowed while he stared at her. She could feel his power reach out to touch her body, trying to figure out what was wrong with her.
She smiled weakly and raised a hand to indicate the seat next to her. "I'm glad you came."
"Why," he asked darkly and didn't move. His face was expressionless.
"Because I wanted to see you," she said, feeling her eyes filled with tears. She bit her abundantly trembling lip, unwilling to cry in front of him.
"What do you want Bonnie?" he said coldly. "Why did you call for me?"
Whatever Bonnie had expected, it wasn't this. He could at least act partially happy to see her, she thought angrily.
As she stared into his wary eyes, Bonnie couldn't find the strength to tell him the real reason she had contacted him. Hell, she'd even forgotten why she had asked for him in the whole mess of dying.
While she stared at him, Bonnie knew that she couldn't ask him anymore. It was a betrayal to what he meant to her. How could she ask him, when in truth it was an insult. She wondered if anyone had simply asked Damon to be there for support, when most only wanted something from him.
Well, it was time to try, to see what was beneath that layer of black leather and skin.
She steeled her resolve and met his eyes. "Look, Damon. This is hard for me to say, but about three weeks ago I found out, I had leukemia. I've made amends and seen everyone in my life that has some meaning to me. Everyone except you, that is. Please, would you stop staring at me like that and sit down?"
He gracefully sat down in the chair next to her bed. "Can anything be done?"
"No," she replied simply. She could feel his eyes on her, daring her to ask him. She would be damned to even try to form the sentence.
"Why am I here?" he asked again.
"Look, despite everything that happened between us, I still care about you. I just thought you might like to say goodbye to an old friend, that's all."
She could feel her face flame up at the lie but when she really thought About it, it was true. And for the first time in her life, at this strange junction between life and death, she didn't fear his intensions toward her. It no longer mattered and with that, Bonnie took the necessary step to place their relationship on the next level. Damon was a friend and she would treat him as she would any friend.
She lifted the bowl of popcorn from her lap and propelled it in his direction. "Popcorn?"
"No, thank you."
"Here, have a soda." She reached down beside her bed and pulled out an ice cold Pepsi from the mini-fridge her father had bought Bonnie to stop her from descending the stairs to the kitchen. She opened it and handed it to him.
He just stared at it like it was something alien.
Still holding out the drink to him, Bonnie said, "Look to make this easier on you, consider spending time with me as a last request. We both know that you Salvatore boys are suckers for dying women's last requests."
Bonnie could feel his sudden spark of amusement and she fought back the first genuine smile that tried to form itself on her lips.
"You can't be serious," he said quietly.
"Just drink the damned Pepsi and watch the movie with me," she growled.
Damon shrugged out of his jacket and rested his feet on her bed. His soft black boots looked more expensive than her parent's entire entertainment centre located on the main floor.
Bonnie returned the sound to the movie just in time to see the master vampire be staked by a fence post.
"You do realize that the probability of that actually working is quite minimal," Bonnie said, in fact, while popping an extra salted kernel into her mouth. "I mean, who's to say that a rather large fence post would have actually managed to fly out of a speeding truck after it crashed into a house and strike the master vampire in the perfect spot."
"Really," Damon said, sounding like she was a complete idiot.
"Just didn't want you to get scared," Bonnie added, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.
He shook his head and tentatively sipped the Pepsi.
"Well?" Bonnie asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"I prefer coca-cola," Damon replied smoothly, setting the can on her dresser.
"Who doesn't? I just don't have the heart to tell my mother yet. I'd offer you something else, but you know, I kind of need it right now and I'm rather fond of my family."
"I've eaten."
Bonnie swallowed thickly. "Well, all the better then."
"Bonnie-"
"I'm glad you came," she interrupted. "No matter what." She looked down at her skeletal fingers and fiddled with the ring her grandmother had given her. "You wouldn't mind keeping me company, would you? I kind of like having someone with me who has fought off death for a few centuries."
"I'd have thought you would have preferred Stefan to me," Damon said, staring at the movie credits.
"No offence, but he can be a little bit of a downer."
Damon snorted in amusement. "Finally, someone besides me has noticed."
Bonnie shakily reached out a hand and grasped his. Even to Bonnie, she realized her grip had lost much of its strength. "Please?"
He stared down at her hand and slowly turned his palm up and grasped hers before bringing her knuckles up to his lips. His cool breath raised the hairs on the back of her neck just before he kissed her hand.
Bonnie ignored the answering warmth in her stomach that followed that kiss.
Just then, the theme for Night of the Living Dead came on. Bonnie shifted more comfortably into her pillows, glad to have his support.
"Don't forget to finish your Pepsi," she said, stuffing a handful of popcorn into her mouth in an attempt to hold in a snicker.
In resignation, he lifted the can again and took another sip.
At some point during the night, Bonnie had slowly sunk off into sleep. It was in the last moment of awareness that she realized that Damon was only then removing her hand from his.