A werewolf. Her boyfriend was a werewolf. He has told James. He has told Sirius. He has told Peter. Even Severus Snape was in.
He didn't tell her.
What did the fact make her? Untrustworthy? Not important enough?
"Too important, Lily," was a quiet explanation. "I was afraid you would turn away from me." "You weren't afraid to tell your friends."
"They didn't give me much choice."
"So you have preferred to watch me constantly worry about you."
"I wanted to tell you every time, but..."
"You thought I would dump you on spot."
"Yeah."
"This is what you think of me, Remus? That I would leave a man I love because he's not perfect any longer? Who do you think I am?"
"No, I didn't..."
"Yes, you did. You don't have much faith me, do you?"
"I don't have much faith in people in general." Tears. "Please understand, Lily. The fear... it's my oldest companion. I was afraid to tell you. Afraid of the consequences. Even now I'm afraid. Afraid of what happens if you stay with me. I'm a dangerous beast."
"You haven't killed anybody."
"Yet."
"You wouldn't."
"I was very close once. Very close. I'm a Dark Creature, Lily."
Torment behind the tears. Torment and fear.
She embraced him tenderly, her hear wrenching with sympathy. "Remus, oh Remus..."
Lily tossed in her bed.
His lack of faith still hurt. She thought they trusted each other implicitly. Now it seemed that he thought her less trustworthy than his dorm mates, thought her a lesser person than his male friends. It hurt. It hurt like hell, but he still needed her. Why was he so stupid? Why didn't he believe her love?
A face flashed through her mind. Laughing blue eyes behind wire-rimmed glasses. James Potter. Lily cringed in guilt. Remus didn't know about that. And she loved him. Of course she wouldn't leave him, what a silly fear of his...
"I don't think it's a good idea," Lily said, barely able to speak when she saw her own reflection in the mirror. "I'm not going dressed like this!"
Daisy, a resident fashion specialist in the Gryffindor Tower, clasped her hands. "What exactly is wrong with it?" she demanded.
Lily turned around helplessly. "Lizzie? Help?"
The petite brunette was still recovering from shock she experienced when the robe destined for her was revealed. "No, no, no, no..."
"Lizzie?" Daisy snapped. "What now?"
"I won't put it on!" Lizzie said mutinously.
Daisy looked heavenwards. "Merlin and all the powers of the universe, give me patience! You asked me for something extraordinary! Something everybody would notice! Something Sirius Black would notice!"
"But, but..."
The robe in question was indeed outstanding. Made of crimson velvet that set out Lizzie's Mediterranean complexion magnificently, with almost waist-high slits at the sides and skin-tight top without any stripes, it was truly an impressive piece of clothing.
"But what?"
"I'm going to look like a harlot!"
"No," Lily injected. "I'm going to look like a harlot."
Lily's dress was even bolder, if such thing was even possible. Cleverly cut triangles of gold and green silk were something out of Muggle fashion magazine, and guaranteed to give the older members of staff a heart attack.
"Harlots always look best," was Daisy's confident answer.
"I'm a Head Girl!" Lily erupted. "I cannot look like a harlot!"
"Bollocks," muttered Daisy. "Wait and see how Remus reacts. This dress is extremely easy to take off, you know. Just pull this string here and it all..."
That was the last thing Lily was prepared to hear.
"That's it," she said coldly. "I have no intention to lose my virtue just because you fancy to hear some juicy details. And what more important, I'm not going to lose my reputation and my position so that you could claim the title of the best seamstress at Hogwarts!"
Daisy stood still, staring at her best friend with heart-cutting hurt in her eyes. "Of course, Lily. Do as you please. Who am I do give advice to the mighty, all knowing Head Girl."
She took her leave without a second look at the redhead. Lily slumped onto her bed and looked at Lizzie helplessly.
"I didn't mean it like that."
Lizzie shook her head, her hands caressing the red velvet. "What's wrong with you, Lily? You haven't been yourself all week. Has something happened?"
Nothing happened. I just found out that my boyfriend is a werewolf - an everybody's secret but mine it seems - and I have to act as though everything was all right. I have to talk to all those younger prefects, all encountering some kind of difficulties and expecting me to right their wrongs. And do it with a smile on my face even though all I can think of is the date of the next full moon and the fear that somebody else finds out and Remus will be expelled. No, nothing happened.
"No, everything is fine," she replied. "I'm tired, that's all. Not the best condition to be in while facing Daisy's excesses."
The younger girl sighed. "You're right... but... do you think Sirius would like this robe?" she looked at Lily hopefully.
Lily forced the gloomy thoughts out of her mind. Clothes. She should focus on clothes and on her duties. She should not think of the... betrayal.
"It certainly is different from anything I saw you in," she said. "I'm pretty sure you would look completely different from your normal self. And everybody would see that."
She looked at her own slip of a dress. One thing was sure; she couldn't afford to show herself in it, although she could have broken that news to Daisy in a nicer way. She would have to go to her now, apologize and beg for helping her in turning this thing into something presentable. Oh well, she might as well start training humility now, she thought as she raised from her bed and followed Lizzie in search for Daisy.
Since the day the news about the ball has been announced, the Halloween Night has been the talk of all common rooms as well as all dormitories. Yes, the boy dormitories also. The speculations about who with whom and why not with him/her were the most pressing subjects, especially among the older students. The ones who had their better halves were indeed lucky, for the necessity of acquiring a companion to the ball was not an easily satisfied one. At least for James Potter.
"Julie Anderson still has no partner, Amanda Hatchkinson from Hufflepuff, Justine Ackerley, fifth-year Ravenclaw..." Peter, having already solved the problem by asking out Laura Bones, ticked off the names. "Olivia Wood, Daisy... aren't you going to ask Daisy?"
Sirius grinned triumphantly. "No, he's not. She's going with me."
Peter stared at him, mouth agape. "Since when?"
"Since today."
"I thought you had your eye on Amy Lynch."
"I changed my mind. I didn't ask her. And no," Sirius said before Peter had chance to ask, "I didn't ask Daisy either. She asked me."
James gave up trying to make the decision. He never had any trouble with picking girls, but this time... well, this time he didn't want to pick one. There was only one he could imagine at his side and she has already been taken. Instead, he shifted his attention to Sirius' smug statement.
"I thought she hated you."
"I'm irresistible. I conquer hearts without realising that. The hostility she displayed was in fact deeply concealed undying love for me," Sirius stated. "I'm everything a girl can wish for and can't deny Daisy the privilege of trying me out and-"
Remus, up till that moment happily reading a book, not concerned with the problem of finding partners for the ball since he already had one, looked up with a frown.
"This attitude will land you in trouble, Sirius. Grow up."
Privately, James shared Remus' opinion. But then who he was to talk, when he dreamed of betraying his best friend.
To everybody's surprise, Sirius took offence. "Sorry, your faithfulness," he sneered at Remus, referring to him having had only one girlfriend. "Please do tell me how I should run my life; perhaps getting a girl and keeping her in the dark about my very personality would be a sufficient proof of maturity."
Remus paled. James didn't know the exact result of Snape's little taunting exercise; he only knew that Remus and Lily were still together, to his deeply concealed disappointment. Although in truth he didn't really expect anything else. But something must have changed.
"Thank you for pointing out my mistakes," Remus said darkly. "I'm most grateful."
Taking his book with him, Remus stormed out of the room. Presumably to the library, his favourite hiding place.
"I don't think it was necessary," James commented cautiously in Sirius' direction.
Sirius' mouth tightened into a thin line. "You think it wasn't necessary? Well, James, while you are safely away in your very own Head Boy's room, you don't have to endure Remus' comments on how you're not treating people the way they deserve, how you should think seriously about relationships, how immature it is to jump from one girl to another... He doesn't say it, but he throws his relationship with Lily at my face and all but tells me I should follow his footsteps!"
James furrowed his eyebrows. Where did that come from? Never before was Sirius that bitter. And suggesting that he was too high and mighty to notice his friends being less affectionate to each other... well, there was nothing to notice before! Or was he simply too wrapped up in his misery concerning Lily?
"Sirius, what are you talking about?"
"Remus, I'm talking about Remus! Damn, I'm glad that he's happy, but he doesn't have to enforce such bliss on me!"
"Aren't you exaggerating?" Peter asked tentatively.
"He's concerned about you," James said, still a little dazed by the tension and negative emotions radiating from Sirius.
Sirius didn't answer. He seated himself in an armchair vacated by Remus several minutes ago and drummed his fingers against the armrest. "He doesn't have to. I'm doing just fine. He can be concerned about you, James, since you seem to be girlless too."
James enforced an artificial smile on his lips. The last thing he needed was Remus concerning himself with his love life. He wished he could tell it all to Sirius. But confiding in Sirius was almost as bad as confiding in Remus. Despite all anger, Sirius was closer to Remus than to him. It was always like that. James and Sirius were birds of the feather, understood each other well and almost without words, their personalities similar, James being the more level-headed one. James stood in the middle between Remus' serious nature and Sirius violent one. But Sirius and Remus were closely bonded because of their differences. They complimented each other in a way James could only be envious of.
Suddenly he felt alone, among his arguing friends. The only person, who he suspected could ease this loneliness, was out of reach for him. Completely out of reach.
He turned to Peter. "So you say Julie Andrews is still free?"
"He asked me, he asked me!" Julie beamed at Lily as though Lily was responsible for the happy news.
"Who?" Lily asked confused, looking up from the plan of the sitting arrangement for the Halloween ball.
"James! I'm his partner for the ball!"
Lily clenched her fingers on the quill. "Oh?"
"Today! And I thought I would have to go with Morgan, from fifth year! Can you imagine that? James Potter! Wait till I tell Laura and Bethany!"
Lily didn't say anything - just keeping smiling was hard enough. If she tried to speak, her face might crack.
"And my new dress-robes! I'm so glad I bought them, I will be dancing with the Head Boy, everybody is going to look at us..."
Lily suddenly noticed how pretty Julie was, with her creamy complexion, rich brown hair and large blue eyes. Her own pert nose and freckles couldn't even compare.
"We're going to be the best looking couple..."
Not true, Lily thought rebelliously. Sirius and Daisy would take the prize. Then Lewis Lestrange and Leocadia Lowell. Then Teo Maxwell and Lizzie. Then, perhaps, you and James.
"Do you think he could do something with his glasses?"
Lily blinked. "Why?"
"They don't look well on pictures... do you think he could use Oculus Charm for a while?"
The quill in Lily's hand snapped in two.
"Oh, Lily, you broke your quill! Be careful, or you won't be able to wash the ink off. Do you need a tissue?"
"No, thank you, I'll manage," Lily muttered, glad to have an excuse to wave Julie off. Using the cleaning charm, she quickly disposed of the dangerous ink.
To think Julie wanted James to get rid of his glasses! To Lily, the glasses were such an integral part of James that the possibility seemed almost blasphemous. What was wrong with glasses anyway? Looked bad on the pictures? Who cared? They were a mark of the personality and the pictures should capture that, not only looks. Didn't Julie know that?
And what did James see in her? Nice eyes? Big breasts? The ability to talk for hours without actually telling anything? What? He could have at least asked somebody with brains!
"Lily? If you keep charming that table, you'll make a hole," Lizzie remarked.
Lily stopped repeating the charm. "Sorry, I... was thinking."
"Of something happy, I hope."
"The ball."
"Happy then. You and Remus, no worry, it will be great."
"Yeah," Lily whispered to herself. "Remus and I. Of course, no worry."
Having managed to apologize Daisy and convince her to help her with a new version of a dress, Lily wondered about her motivations. They were unclear at best. Remus has never been one to judge anybody by looks. He never commented on her clothes or hairstyles, was happy with her as she was. Where this new interest in fashion sprang?
I don't want to be boring. I want something new. I want to be noticed.
She wasn't ready to go to the drastic measures, like Lizzie, but her new look would certainly be noticed. The thought was not as unpleasant as she thought it might be.
Walking down the stairway from her room, she held up the voluminous skirt of the dress so that she wouldn't trip on it. Walking in high-heeled shoes was a skill she hasn't mastered yet. Remus waited at her in the common room, as well as James and Julie. As Head Boy and a Head Girl Lily and James were required to make an appearance earlier than the rest of students.
"Ready?" Remus asked distractedly. He's never been keen on social occasions.
His reaction was, frankly, disappointing. Back at her room she had thought she looked extremely well, no false modesty. The medieval-style dress hugged her form tightly from chest to hips; the wide skirt softly flowed to her feet. Wide, long sleeves flew gracefully with every movement of her hand. Green silk with golden imprint complimented her eyes and set off her hair in most appealing manner. Even her freckles seemed less visible than normal.
"Yes, ready," she replied, taking note on how well Julie's violet robe looked with her dark blue eyes. Did she really think she could match with the beauties of this year?
"Lily, you look amazing," she heard the quiet compliment.
Her head snapped at James's direction. Craving for Remus' approval first and then comparing herself with Julie, she didn't catch his awed expression earlier. Admiration was so clear on his face that Lily's throat went dry.
He noticed.
Strange, but she didn't blush as she normally would upon hearing such a compliment. Her heart pounded so hard that it must have drained the excess of blood from her face... thanks Merlin. Getting all excited at James's words would not be the best idea.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"Shall we go?" Remus asked patiently, looking down at her with slightly patronizing air as if wanting to sigh: Girls!
Was he blind? Didn't he see how important it was to her? With a little wave of shame Lily had to admit that it was probably her own fault that he didn't. She hasn't told him about it, how would he know? Although she could talk to Remus about anything, her new fixation on her looks was something she was reluctant to admit to.
She accepted Remus' arm and they went to the Great Hall.
All Head Girl duties behind her, Lily let herself relax. Her new, bolder image was observed and commented on. It was mostly: "You look well, Lily, did you do something with you hair?" Or: "Great dress Lily, where did you get it?" Nothing spectacular, but it made her feel divine. The attention she received, not only because of her Head Girl status, convinced her she wasn't actually that boring. She might be even worthy of...
No, better not to go there. But the continuing appreciative look on James's face made her feel both uncomfortable and ecstatic. Her mood was so good that it turned out to be contagious. Remus laughed and danced with her, and even paid her a compliment, which affected her deeply. Lately he seemed to be constantly depressed, ever since his confession. She noticed a difference in his attitude towards Sirius over last couple of days and the haunted look that never seemed to leave his eyes. He was battling with something and, again, she felt left out of the loop. Something was going on in his head, something vital.
But she was not going to dwell on it. She was going to have fun. Like Daisy.
Well, Daisy and Sirius were something to look at. It was almost hard to believe, but Sirius' dark-purple robes and Daisy's orange ones did not clash. Somehow Daisy managed to pick the right shade, matching both her skin and her partner's outfit. Their bantering, lined with a large dose of malice, seemed to steer most of people away from them, to Sirius' deepest chagrin.
It was so until Lizzie showed up, with her sixth-year friend Teo. There was no denying it: Lizzie was the revelation of the night, far beyond Lily. Dressed in the robe that outshone even the extravaganza of Slytherin girls, she attracted male gazes like a magnet. And she clearly didn't feel comfortable with it, her lips trembling and her eyes nervous.
As soon as Evan Rosier turned his unwelcome attention to the fellow Quidditch player, Sirius, like a knight in shining armour, arrived to the rescue, flippantly abandoning Daisy in the middle of the dance.
Daisy walked up o Lily who stood alone, Remus having left to fetch drinks, with expression of smug satisfaction on her face.
"All right, what are you up to?" Lily asked, watching Sirius talking to Lizzie.
"He's a git, Lily," Daisy announced grimly. "I must have been mad to come with him."
"Why did you then?"
"My heart is too soft. I decided to sacrifice myself on the altar of greater good."
Lily didn't get it. "Meaning?"
"Although he's a git, he is a git with some odd sense of honour. He wouldn't leave his partner to take care of some other girl. But I'm a bitch who makes his time miserable. With no remorse whatsoever he can go and play the saviour to out dear little Lizzie."
Lily was astonished. "I thought you deemed him wrong for Lizzie!"
Daisy was unperturbed. "As I said, he's a git. A git whom every half-brained girl should dismiss without a blink of an eye."
"I beg your pardon?" Lily coughed.
"No offence to you, Lily," Daisy declared hastily, "You're not after him. Lizzie is not half-brained either, and after tonight she's going to come to her senses. She will see him for what-"
"That's your clever plan?!" Lily exclaimed.
"Er, yes?" Daisy said, a little put off by her friend's disbelief. "Don't you think it's good?"
Lily emitted an undignified snort. "A Soul Healer material you are not. She's going to fall for him even harder! He's her saviour tonight for Merlin's sake, he scared off Rosier-"
"And everybody else-"
"Showers her with compliments-"
"Monopolizes her time-"
"And she loves it!"
Daisy made some quick thinking. And covered face with her hands. "Oh Founders, what have I done?"
"Well, this is why the Sorting Hat didn't put you into Slytherin," Lily comforted her friend. "Manipulation's not your strong suit."
"Who's manipulating whom?"
They both spun around to see Remus. He handed Lily a glass of butterbeer.
Daisy shook her head desperately. "Remus, do you want to do a good deed of the century?"
He raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"Dance with me. Let me forget all about that little fiasco."
Not really understanding, Remus complied and they mixed with the colourful crowd. Lily's eyes slid over them in search for another figure in navy-blue robes. She watched as the students danced and experienced a fierce pride of a job well done. This ball was her doing. Her and James's. She saw him dancing with Julie again and a wave of some unidentified emotion ripped through her like a whip. She turned her eyes away.
Everybody seemed to have a good time. She saw a group of Hufflepuffs conversing excitedly with the Glamourers - a top music band in the WWN chart. James was the one to get them to perform at Hogwarts, using his family's influence. Then she saw the Slytherin seventh-years, gesturing animatedly and laughing over something like madmen. To surprise of some people, Lily included, Anabell Wilkes - short, black-haired girl dressed in green-and-silver Chinese-style robe - came with Evan Rosier rather than with Snape, who had Celestina Warbeck by his side. "Slytherin politics probably," commented Peter when she talked to him, "Prefects showing up with each other." Lily hoped it was the case and not the effect of Daisy's prank from almost two weeks ago. Vindictive Snape was the most bothersome thing to deal with. Leocadia Lowell, in a maroon outfit that revealed more than covered, blatantly ignored members of her own House and was spending all her time with Lestrange.
Wincing with dislike at the thought of Lestrange, Lily once again began to scan the crowd for James, his tall figure impossible to pass up. He was nowhere to be seen.
"May I have this dance?" she heard suddenly.
Turning to her right she saw the person she was looking for, his hand outstretched in her direction. Hesitantly, she put her hand in his, accepting the invitation. They drifted to the dance floor, soft tones of music ringing gently in her ears.
She had danced with boys before, on several occasions. With Remus, with her Muggle acquaintances over the holidays, with school friends, Sirius being probably the best dancer of them all. She had danced with James too.
But never like this.
Never before did she want to drown in his strong embrace, regardless of what others might see. Never before they moved in such a perfect harmony together. Never before the hand on the small of her back burned with delicious fire. Never before she tried to run her fingers through the hair on his nape. Never before the whole world disappeared and only the slow tones of a song remained, guiding her steps. Never before she got lost in the blue eyes boring into her with the utmost intensity. Never before she longed for the song never to end.
Unfortunately, it did.
"Well, James, may I have my lady back?"
It was Remus, standing beside them, neither of them having noticed the company. Quickly, they let each other go and Lily nodded to James a thank you, not quite able to speak. She only hoped James didn't notice the impression the dance had on her. Smiling, she let Remus sweep her off for another dance, a more lively one this time.
With regret and rising fear, she realized Remus never had that effect on her. A touch of James's hand was more electrifying than Remus' kiss.
But I love Remus! I love Remus!
The declaration was somewhat enforced, even to her own mind.
A/N: How about this chapter? I hope I didn't make the romance unfold too rapidly... Did you like it? No? You didn't?! WHY?