One would think that the success of the Halloween ball would make Lily happy and confident. Since she has always somewhat lacked in confidence, the change about the latter was notable. She didn't hesitate using her Head Girl status anymore, detecting points turned out less terrible than she might have suspected, putting disobedient third-years in their places became easier, thus making her professional life a great deal less stressful. About the 'happy' part, however...
Sitting in the library with Remus, doing homework together, comparing notes and exchanging news about what their parents wrote in the newest letters, Lily could almost believe she was happy. It was what she always wanted. Peace and understanding. Little comments about Remus being a werewolf ceased to be unsettling and became part of an everyday reality. He was reluctant to talk about it, but he didn't evade her questions. It was almost like before.
Almost. Because now she tried to avoid James at all cost, always making up excuses not to accompany the boys in the common room. She was only partially successful, for a Head Girl could not exactly avoid a Head Boy. And, as strange as it seemed, she couldn't help but enjoy their literary discussions.
"I don't get it," sighed Remus, flipping through the pages of 'Concoctions of the Old'. "Why the leaves of calla can't be used in the Magnifying Potion? It's so closely related to zantedeschia that there should be no problem."
Lily peered into his notes. "Asleep at the Herbology class, weren't you? Calla is toxic," she explained. As an apprentice of Madam Pomfrey, she knew more than most of students about the dangerous plants that could be found around Hogwarts. Calla was one of them, and had caused minor inconveniences once or twice.
"Thanks," Remus murmured. "I hope James won't give you hard time on that tutoring sessions of yours. This stuff is a nightmare."
She almost grimaced. Ever since the Halloween ball, she dreaded the upcoming tutoring sessions. "Well, yeah... don't you think he would manage on his own? I have so much work lately, and with helping Madam Pomfrey twice a week..."
Remus' head shot up from over the textbook. "You're not trying to back out, are you?"
"Actually..."
"Lily, you can't! James's grades are slipping lately in everything but transfiguration, we have no idea what's wrong with him, you've got to help him! He can't exactly ask Snape for tutoring!"
"No, I suppose he can't."
"Please, do it Lily... You can hand over to me some of your Head Girl stuff. I'll help what I can. Not girl-counselling thing," he warned hastily, "but all the paperwork..."
She shook her head, amused. "James usually takes care of that," she said. "All right, I'll help him. I guess I owe him, for all that paperwork," she teased.
If only she could keep up the pretence of light heartedness. She had to, for Remus' sake. It never ceased to amaze her how strong the bonds between Remus and his friends were, especially with Sirius and James. She supposed that dangerous secrets bonded people together closer than normal.
"I finished," she said, closing the books. Two of them were marked as the Restricted Section. "I'll give the books back before Madam Bibliotheca starts scowling at me."
She placed herself at the end of the short queue to Madam Bibliotheca with the restricted books. Laying the heavy books on he long counter, she glanced what the student before her intended to return. Somehow, the books people read were the key to their personalities. It was hard to judge so here, at the Hogwarts library where the students borrowed mostly textbooks, but Lily has never abandoned her habit. The book the girl before her has laid on the counter had the title 'Wizarding Marriage: Rituals and Practice, Law and History'. Stifling a snort she looked at the girl.
Anabell Wilkes. Figures. Did the Slytherin girls think about anything else but social climbing and suitable marriages? Even the ones who were intent on making the career on their own.
Lily's curiosity, however, was piqued. Although she has spent over six years in wizarding world, some things were as much mystery to her as on her first day on the Hogwarts Express. Like wizarding marriage rituals. When Wilkes turned in the book, Lily picked it up and signed it out.
Oddly enough, she didn't wonder what would Remus say about it. She wondered if James would laugh.
Lily was not a spectacular Transfiguration student like James Potter who could literally turn you into a toad (as he had demonstrated last year on Evan Rosier, which cost Gryffindor hundred points), but she was good enough to enjoy the class without any stress. The fact that they shared the period with Slytherins was not a factor this time for professor McGonagall never allowed them any antics they loved to demonstrate to their rivals. Every snicker was severely frowned upon and every derogatory comment was punished by the deduction of points. Sometimes Gryffindor students got an impression that they could be a little lax in their approach to the discipline, but the mistake was usually quickly corrected. Every now and then, however, somebody had to test it.
It was James's turn this time.
The class has been learning how to transfigure liquids into solid matter. Contrary to the popular belief, it was not changing animals into objects or vice-versa that was really difficult. The difficult thing was to transfigure water into anything. No wonder Jesus Christ was considered the greatest wizard of ancient times. His little miracle with water and wine alone would have earned him a place in history.
Lily has been trying to get anything out of the pumpkin juice filling the cup in front of her and failing in succeeding for over an hour. To her consolation, so has everybody else except James who was sitting with a bored expression on his face. Wait... bored?
Rubbing the wrist that has been aching from furious wand waving, Lily looked around. And burst out laughing.
Severus Snape, with totally puzzled look in his eyes, was staring at his own cup in utter disbelief. It was filled with dozens of small, pink flowers. Daisies.
"Oh Severus!" Daisy squealed somewhere behind Lily. "You were thinking of me! How cute!"
Everybody sniggered, even some Slytherins. Snape looked appalled and was opening his mouth to protest when McGonagall approached to examine the flowers, scowling at the giggling students along the way.
"Very good, Mr Snape. Twenty points to Slytherin."
The torn look on Snape's face was priceless. If he admitted that he was not the one to transfigure the flowers, he would lose the points. If he let the matter drop at this point, the rumour about his infatuation would be confirmed and James could not be accused. Slytherin ambition won over the pride, this time. Snape smiled pleasantly, or at least as pleasantly as his sinister-looking face allowed.
"I was inspired," he explained, nodding to Daisy.
"Well, I heard love enhances magical abilities..." James muttered and the class sniggered again, reminded of Snape's less than stellar performances in Transfiguration. He might have been best at Potions and excellent in duelling, but Transfiguration expert he was not, strange accidents aplenty ever the years.
The rest of the lesson passed uneventfully; the only other person who managed to do the transfiguration assigned being Sirius. After most of the students left, Lily and James went to talk to the Head of House for a moment. Sirius, Peter and Remus stayed too, waiting for them.
When Lily and James returned from McGonagall's office Remus could not withhold a grin.
"James, that was brilliant!"
"Brilliant?" Peter said with sour look on his face. "You gave Slytherin twenty points, what were you thinking?"
"No, no," Sirius interjected. "Don't listen to him. It was brilliant. Well worthy some twenty points!"
"I wouldn't be sorry even if McGonagall gave him hundred!" Remus laughed. "Operation Cupid is going to be so much believable now!"
"Operation Cupid?" Lily inquired.
"Yep," Sirius confirmed. "That's what we dubbed the anti-Snape campaign."
"You're heading for a disaster with this one," she warned them. Snape was never known for the tolerance for the pranks the Gryffindors pulled on him. Particularly the ones that wounded his pride.
"Well spotted, Evans," came from the doorway.
It was established long time ago that Snape must be using some kind of a silencing charm on his shoes, for he was the single most talented in sneaking-up individuals the five Gryffindors have ever encountered.
"Daisy is not here," James informed him.
"Oh really? It breaks my heart," Snape responded coldly staring hard at him. "I told you to watch it, Potter. One more trick like this and you will regret it. Really regret it."
"You don't have anything against me, Snape. No proof, nothing."
Sirius nodded, a strangely grim smile twisting his handsome features. "But you are in his debt. It's a life-debt, Snape, don't forget it."
Snape's expression changed from cold to freezing. "A life debt doesn't mean I can't make him suffer. It doesn't mean I must love him."
"What a shame," Peter remarked. "As we had chance to see today, you inspire love. Daisy is absolutely smitten with your courtship."
Snape's eyes flashed furiously. "I learned from the best," he snapped viciously. "From the Golden-Quidditch-Boy James Potter who's constantly chased by idiot fan girls, from the Whore-of-Hogwarts Sirius Black who runs around trying to get laid but never succeeds, from I'm-trying-to-be-like-them-but-I'm-just-a-pale-copy Pettigrew no girl ever notices and from a werewolf!"
He turned to look at Lily, standing quiet and shocked. "How's Evans coping?" he added with cold interest.
Surprisingly, Lily didn't gat angry, even though she had already experienced the outcome of Snape's verbal cruelty. There was nothing else he could say to make Remus' situation worse.
"It's called love, Snape," she stated calmly. "I love Remus. It doesn't matter that he's a werewolf."
Snape watched her for a moment as if she was some curious specimen of exotic insect.
"You love Remus!" his tone a mimicry of hers. "Wake up, Evans, it's a bullshit. You don't love Lupin any more than I do." Then he reconsidered his statement. "No, sorry, it was probably an exaggeration. But if you and Lupin are in love, then I'm a Founder."
How did he dare. How did he dare...!"What do you know about love, Snape?" she challenged hotly.
She didn't quite understand his reaction, but she must have hit a sensitive spot. His black eyes zeroed on her green ones, and she thought she saw a trace of some strange emotion there. "You'd be surprised, Evans."
She cleared her throat. Why wasn't Remus saying anything? Why was he standing frozen? Why did Sirius and James watch her and Snape like on a ping-pong match? "I love Remus and he loves me, and no one-"
The snort cut her declaration short. "I love him and he loves me... how Gryffindor. Lupin doesn't love you. I've seen more passion between Pettigrew and the flobberworm."
It hit the nerve. Lily clenched her fists. Suddenly convincing Snape, a hopeless task, started to be important. If she could convince him, she could also convince herself... "Love is not all about passion. Love is about common interests, about common values, about understanding, about trust-"
"Trust? What trust did he show you, Lily Evans, until I forced him? If what you're telling is true, Lupin should marry Black. At least there is some passion."
Stunned, Lily couldn't say anything. But... Remus did trust more Sirius than her... Remus? Say something! Tell him he's wrong! She pleaded in her heart. But neither of them moved, holding their breaths. Why, she couldn't fathom. Only Peter seemed as puzzled as her.
"Keep that Rochester girl away from me," Snape continued in his usual threatening mode (didn't he ever get tired of it?) and swirled around, walking towards the dungeons and leaving them in strange silence.
"Remus? Why didn't you say anything?" she questioned. "It not like you to let Snape insult you! And it's not like you," she looked at Sirius and James, "to just stand there and let Snape insult Remus!"
Remus quiet voice startled her. "He's right."
Lily stopped cold dead. "Right about what?"
"About us... about me." Remus was staring at the wand in his hands absently. "About the passion. It's not love."
Sirius and James watched him as if hypnotized, Peter with disbelief.
"What are you saying, Remus?" she whispered.
"I don't love you, Lily." He finally looked up. His eyes were sad, so sad.
"I don't understand." Her voice was barely audible as she searched him for explanation.
"I mean, I do love you... but not that way. Not the way I should. Not the way I declared."
She shook her head in incomprehension.
He sighed. "Look around us. Sirius, in love every other week."
It was Sirius' turn to fervently shake his head.
"James, since our third year up until last year, always with a girlfriend. Peter looking around for someone suitable. Pairs, pairs everywhere. Everybody talks about it, everyone is excited about it... falling in love when you're fifteen or sixteen, it's normal. Normal." He paused, thinking. "I'm not normal, Lily. Every month I turn into a beast and howl to the moon. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of people. I'm not normal... but being with you gave me impression that I was. I could think that, even though a werewolf, I was just another teenager, having a girlfriend, in love. You gave me an impression of normalcy."
Short pause again, when he switched his gaze to Sirius, then to Peter and James, that back to Lily.
"But it's not love."
Could silence be loud? It probably could when the foundations of one's world trembled. Lily closed her eyes. He didn't love her? He only thought he was in love with her because it would be normal to fall in love with her? NORMAL?
"I'm sorry, Lily," Remus' body shook with emotion. "I... I'm sorry."
Was he looking for forgiveness? He watched her for several seconds, but when all he got was a blank face, he turned around and begun to walk away.
"Lily?"
She looked at James. "Yes?"
"Are you..." the question remained unfinished. Good, it was a stupid question.
"I will go to Remus," Sirius announced and dashed out. After short consideration Peter did the same. She waited for James to go after his friends too.
He didn't. Strong arm circled her body, pressing her close. In other circumstances, she might have been reminded of their dance.
"Cry, Lily... it's all right to cry..."
Heavy tears fell from her eyes as she let herself be embraced as sobs wracked her slender form, James's hands stroking her hair gently. She cried for... for...
For what might have been? What should have been? Or for what never was and ever was meant?
A/N: First of all, forgive me the reference to Jesus Christ. Jesus being a wizard is a blatant rip-off and a tribute to "Slytherin Rising" by JL Matthews (what da ya mean: ya didn' read that? *faints from shock* Go read it NOW!) I didn't mean to insult anybody, or suggest Jesus' miracles were anything but miracles. I just couldn't resist making the reference, the changing water into wine seemed too good an idea to pass up
Well, that was the break up. How did I manage? Teary enough? Not teary enough? Too little dramatics? Boring? The right way> The wrong way? I didn't want to break Remus' heart completely... Lily's free, has James's shoulder to cry on... will she EVER get over her first relationship? ...okay, so I overdid here with this last question... :)
And a strange notion entered my head as I was writing this chapter... how do you fellow Lily/James fans feel about... er... slash? The non-explicit type?