Spoiler Alert: There is another spoiler for The Lord of the Rings. Proceed with caution. By the way, the spoiler adheres to the book version, there is a slight difference between the book and the movie in the matter discussed here, as far as I know at least (I haven't seen the movie yet... damn producers are keeping most of the world waiting). Those who are familiar with both should know the difference.
Astonishing, but the person who appeared to be most affected by Lily's and Remus' break-up was Sirius. His previous attitude towards Remus and his relationship taking a hundred-and-eighty degrees turn - he has never been considered the most logical of people. He almost literally breathed fire whenever Snape's name was mentioned, tried to get the ex-couple together again, lectured everybody who would listen that they would soon come to their senses. No amount if irritation on the part of James was doing any good, Remus' angry snarls to leave him alone had no effect. Peter tried to play a negotiator between them, but he was not suitable to the role, given his inclination to be sarcastic.
"I can see you're miserable!" Sirius said one evening. "You miss her!"
Remus slammed the book he was reading shut. "Will you cut it, Sirius? I broke up with my girlfriend, and yes, I do miss her company, but I did the right thing!"
"The right thing? Then why you and she barely talk to each other? Right James?"
James shrugged, not wanting to be involved in the discussion. He was afraid his anger would take the upper hand of him and he would hit one of them. For the last week spending time with his best friends has been such a strain on his nerves that he has started to avoid them. Staying calm around a rambling Sirius was hard, but staying calm around Remus was even harder. James has never suspected he would be capable of such negative feelings towards Remus. The way his friend displayed his misery was positively infuriating when everyday he could see the effect their break-up had on Lily. He couldn't figure out his own reactions. He always thought he would be happy if Remus and Lily broke up, it was what he secretly wanted after all. But when he saw Lily's pain...
She was heartbroken. She must have loved Remus very much. Being there for her was the least he could do, to let her know he was on her side in all this mess. Every time Remus was mentioned her expression would darken and James would be ready to go out and challenge the werewolf to a duel, friend or not. Every sad thank-you smile a testimony that his presence was of any use, he managed to restrain himself and stay by her side instead. He tried to take her mind off her ex-boyfriend and cheer her up, so he read the books she recommended so that he could discuss them with her. He inquired about her girl-counselling duties claiming he wanted to get to know women better. That never failed to make her laugh. He couldn't wait for the Potions tutoring to start to have another subject to discuss with her, but it was the Slytherin lab week - the Gryffindors were the last in line.
"Right," Peter supplied. "Honestly. You were so perfect for each other..."
James tensed. Lily and Remus are so perfect for each other. He hated that line.
"And that you let that slimeball get between you..." Peter continued.
Sirius bared his teeth and James was tempted to the same. If it weren't for Snape, nothing would have happened. If Remus indeed felt the way he had described to them, he would have come to the same decision sooner or later, but with more consideration for Lily's feelings. Snape and his Slytherin machinations... One could almost think he had some business in breaking Lily and Remus up.
"He won't get away with it!" Sirius declared. "I want his blood!"
"That would be difficult," Peter noted. "That entire gang is paranoid when it comes to blood. But blood would provide some interesting..."
"Shut up, Peter," Remus snapped.
Uneasily, James and Sirius looked at one another. The flashes of Peter's inclinations to try Dark Magic, however infrequent, were unsettling at best.
"I was speaking figuratively," Sirius clarified.
"His pride is the most precious thing to him," James said. "I say we aim at his pride. What he's most proud of?"
They all frowned. Who knows with Snape?
"Not his hair," Peter sniggered. "Besides, we've already charmed his hair pink last year."
Remus shook his head. "I'm not getting into this with you, guys. Did you notice how all of this resulted from the pranks we pulled on him? We pull a prank and he gets back on us... so in turn we ridicule him in front of entire school and he cuts where it hurts most."
The statement was true enough, but it was always like that. It was an endless circle. But until now, the results have never been so severe. Well, with the exception of the Whomping Willow incident.
Evidently they all thought of it because Peter commented, "You shouldn't have gone after him back then, James. He would be ten feet underground now and none of this would have happened-"
"Peter!" James hissed.
"Thank you, my friend," Remus said coldly, rising from his bed. "I'm going to the library."
"Great going, Pete," Sirius snapped after Remus left them. "Although I agree with your sentiments, you could have been more delicate."
"Delicate? Hardly your middle name, Padfoot. If-"
"Let's get back to the topic, shall we?" James suggested irritably. "We were talking about Snape, I believe."
"Yeah," Sirius agreed eagerly. "I want-"
"His blood is not an option," James informed him dryly. "His pride is."
"Slytherins are obsessed with their families' standing," Peter suggested. "Perhaps we should start there?"
James shook his head. "Nothing can be done from Hogwarts. No contact with the outside world, we don't enough about his family. I have better idea."
"What?"
James grinned. "Potions. He considers himself best at Potions. Let's make him fail."
Slow smile lightened Sirius' face, the wheels in his brain turning furiously. "Cool. It's a Slytherin lab week - they're making the potion for professor Vodkan. Snape would also be doing some of his extra projects. Sabotage."
James frowned. He didn't like the idea of sabotage. It was so... Slytherin. He didn't want to stoop to their enemy's level. "I don't know, maybe better to provide some distraction..."
"We won't win against him if we play soft," Peter said. "He let Remus' secret out. He caused two of our friends a lot of pain. Let's really make him suffer. Let's break him up with Wilkes, with Daisy's help. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."
"Doesn't apply to Snape," Sirius grimaced. "He's too cold-blooded to feel the loss of a girlfriend. It would affect Wilkes at best."
"Well, maybe it would affect her Quidditch performance."
"We play honourably, Pete," James reminded him. "Let's concentrate on the subject."
"James is right," Sirius relaxed in his chair. "Potions is the key. The only thing that would get to him is making him fail in Potions. And let's face it, he's too damn good for us to hope something as simple as distraction would work. Only sabotage."
James sighed. "You mean taking my Invisibility Cloak and sneaking up into the lab, of course."
"You're reading my mind, Prongs."
Her new status of a free girl becoming old news already, Lily had some time off from the multitude of friends wanting to express their condolences - some actually used the word and Lily wanted to smack them saying that neither she nor Remus were dead - and inquiring if she was all right. Lizzie felt sorry for her - she knew what unrequited love was and thought it was Lily's pain. Daisy was mad at Remus. Lily couldn't decide which was worse.
"I'm not going to cut my veins open," she snapped at Lizzie. "My boyfriend dumped me, such things happen!"
"But you were so perfect for each other..."
She was starting to hate that line. The problem was she also thought she and Remus were perfect for each other. She wasn't sure of her own feelings, but she was sure of his and she has never considered the possibility he would be the one to walk away, especially after he had confessed his 'condition' to her. What was wrong with her that she couldn't elicit honest feelings, only an impression?
She gathered the parchments from the table she was sitting at. "I'm going to see James about those schedules."
Merlin, it was such relief to get away from all those hushed voices commenting on her. And it was good to have an excuse to see James too. She had to smile thinking about him. She would have much harder time coping with that slight change in her life if it wasn't for him. And to think she tried to avoid him earlier. He was there when she cried, he was there to let her know he was on her side, to fend off all these busybodies trying to pry the details of the break-up out of her.
Finding James was not an easy task. First she was forced to retreat from the library when she saw Remus sitting there. As much as she missed studying with him, being near him was too much of an emotional struggle - having to quench the fire of disappointment, resentment and plain anger was rather hard. She finally found James on the Quidditch pitch. Being a Head Boy had some advantages and one of them was having the liberty to go whenever the fancy took him at any time of day and night.
Narrowing her eyes to see better in the dusk, she admired his lithe form as he practiced the feints as if he was one with the broomstick. It was much more enticing to watch him flying alone than observing him during the match, she realized. There was something untamed in the lone flyer, something that the match always managed to squeeze out with it's rules. She could simply stand there and stare at him for hours. And she probably would if James didn't suddenly dive to the ground and narrowly avoided crashing. The scene looked so perilous that Lily couldn't help but emit a small shriek. James stilled the broomstick in the midair, slowly turning around.
"Lily?!" he shouted.
She raised her hand, parchments folded between her fingers, and waved at him, signalling that she wanted him to get down and talk the business with her. Gentleman as always, he immediately did so.
"Lily? What are you doing here?" he asked, wiping a sweaty brow with his thumb as he advanced to her, broomstick in hand.
"The Quidditch practice schedules, captain. The Potions lab schedule and the Quidditch one interfere with one another. I don't exactly know the Quidditch one, and Leocadia came to me complaining this morning, so I thought I'd better talk with you."
He removed the gloves and took the parchments. "Well, right. As it is all the schedules are of no use. Changing the Potions lab time-table is out of question, I suppose?"
"Ravenclaws would skin us alive. Not to mention Snape."
His mouth quirked upwards. "Now, that is an interesting prospect."
She sighed. "We have enough work already, James. We don't want trouble with frenzied Ravenclaw prefects or infuriated Slytherins."
"We don't?"
"James."
"All right, all right, I'll be good." He studied the schedules for a moment. "I'll talk to other team captains, I'm sure we'll work it out."
She nodded, pulling her coat closer to her body. Late November weather wasn't friendly to the lone figures standing on the open field.
James was quick to note her discomfort. "Sorry to keep you here... I would give my robe, but it smells... erm... shall we go inside?"
"I'm fine, not your fault I came with this stuff to bother you during your practice..."
"No, it's all right," he assured her hastily. "It was important and I am a team captain. It's my job to take care of it."
Together, they walked towards the castle. It was quite pleasant a walk, although lacking the easy camaraderie of her time with Remus. There was too much energy in the air, too many doubts, too many questions she wanted to ask but didn't dare. James was the one to break the silence.
"Lily?"
"Yes?" "How are you holding up? About Remus I mean?"
She was startled at the question. James has been supporting her, but he has never asked her anything directly. She assumed he knew, even without her voicing her feelings. Stupid of her. He wasn't a psychic after all and supporting her without knowing what her opinion was might be an issue for him. She didn't want to drive him away. She... needed him too much.
"It's more difficult than I thought it would be."
Silence. Somehow she got an impression it was the wrong thing to say.
"I miss his company. He was my best friend, and it's what hurts most. Not that he doesn't love me, or even that he has never loved me, but that he doesn't want to talk to me. We had so much in common and now... do you have any idea how unproductive studying with Daisy is?"
"Yes, I do."
She couldn't help but smile at his snort. "I suppose you would... and James?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for being with me, I would have gone crazy in this madhouse if it wasn't for you."
"Think nothing of it, Lily. I would do it for anybody."
She closed the coat around her tighter. Of course he would. He was that kind of person. He probably felt responsible because Remus was his best friend. She shouldn't read too much meaning into things he did or said.
"It's like Eowyn and Aragorn, you know," she said quietly.
He raised an eyebrow in amusement. Trust Lily to find a parallel with her favourite book. "What do you mean?"
"Eowyn fell for Aragorn because he was suitable. He was handsome, noble, courageous and destined to become a great king. He was everything a princess like Eowyn might want in a man, so she thought she loved him. And she wanted to be loved by a man like that, to be loved by a noble king, as a princess should be loved. Later, she realized she didn't know Aragorn, that she had only imagined herself to be in love with the image of apparent perfection."
"It looked like true love to me at the time," muttered James.
"But it was not," protested Lily. "Eowyn didn't even know that Aragorn was bounded to another. And she has finally found love in Faramir, a man whom she had chance to get to know, away from the battlefield. Remus and were like that. He was all a girl like me should love, an image of apparent perfection, so I imagined myself to be in love with him. And I didn't even know he was a werewolf."
James didn't respond for a long moment. When they approached the stairways of Hogwarts, he commented in a strangely tight voice, "But you did know Remus. You were happy with him."
Lily sighed. "I was happy being with Daisy too. And with Lizzie. But I wasn't in love with them. With Remus... there was always something lacking. No spark... no passion, as Snape said."
"And you said love wasn't about passion."
She laughed mirthlessly. "I lied. I wanted Snape to admit that I was fully loved, despite being a boring and plain Lily Evans. And that Remus was fully loved despite being a werewolf." She turned her face away, not wanting him to notice the faint blush warming her cheeks. "I want passion... like every other girl I want to know passionate love."
It was an awkward moment, filled with uncomfortable knowledge that she was talking about passion to the person she used to shyly fantasize about. He would laugh if he knew. He could have any girl he wanted, girls like Daisy, funny, beautiful and outgoing. And here she was, red-haired, pale-faced, small-busted and with freckles, confessing her dreams about passion. Pathetic...
"It's getting late," she said briskly. "We should go inside."
"Yes. Yes, we should."
His smile looked somewhat artificial, as they entered the Hogwarts Castle, but Lily dismissed it as an embarrassment at her confessions. She should keep her mouth shut next time and try not to ruin a beautiful friendship with something that could not be.
A/N: You just have no idea how difficult that last part was! Please tell me if it was any good or I'm going to bury myself in misery. *sigh* Next chapter: Lily would be doing some thinking again, some James-and-Lily non-angsty interaction and the war with Snape would heat up...