Crack Crack Shatter
Triple H winced as Stephanie McMahon screeched her outrage when informed that the song she'd originally wanted to perform, "Wind Beneath My Wings," had pretty much already been done seven gajillion times before she was set to go on.
"Come on, Steph," he tried to appease her, "that's what you get for being No. 55, you know. Now, if you had been Lucky No. 7, like I was, why, then--"
SLAP
Not surprisingly, Hunter never got to finish his sentence, and when an apparently now sober Chris Jericho poked his head into the room to make fun of Steph, he found the World Heavyweight Champion sulking on the couch with an ice pack pressed against his jaw, and Stephanie working diligently on pacing a long, narrow strait right through the floor.
"Come on, Steph," Hunter once again tried his luck, this time actually thinking before speaking for a change. "Listen, there are plenty of other songs out there that will showcase your, uh, incredible vocal range as the biggest diva in this karaoke contest, much better than "Wings" ever could have, anyway." Stephanie turned around, hands planted on her hips as she huffed grumpily, "Oh, yeah? Like what?"
"Uh..." Hunter's eyes nervously darted around for anything that might back up his words, before quickly spotting some old Cher album and diving across the coffee table to snatch it. "Here, I know. Have you ever seen the video for that one Cher song where she was performing on top of some old Navy ship for a bunch of sailors?"
"Oh, yeah, the assless thong!" Jericho butted in, earning a sharp glare from Stephanie and a scowl from Hunter.
"Hmm, I think so," Stephanie began, and started humming the melody. Hunter perked up, scrabbling with the CD case to pull out the little lyrics booklet and quickly flipping to the page he wanted before handing it to the youngest McMahon.
"Here, sing a few lines so we can, urk, enjoy your glorious Cher cover," he sputtered, and Stephanie shrugged before nodding in agreement and clearing her throat.
Song lyrics to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"removed, in accordance with FFN's newest brilliant idea
Crack Crack
Crack Crack Crack Crack
Stephanie paused furiously in mid-screech, just in time before she could shatter anything else, and turned on Hunter, hollering in outrage in a voice that did shatter something else (Jericho's flashy mirrored sunglasses, actually!), "If I could turn back time! Are you saying that I'm old! Is that it! You think I'm old, don't you! What, is this some subtle hint for me to get a facelift!" Hunter's mouth dropped open in shock and terror, as he squeaked in a tiny voice, "N-no, Miss McMahon." Stephanie huffed insultedly.
"Just for that, you're in the doghouse, Mister," she snapped. "And I mean literally! Have fun cleaning out Lucy's little surprises tonight, because she's sleeping on your couch for the next three months!" Hunter's chin began to wobble dangerously, as he started whining, "Aw, but Steph...!" Stephanie snapped her arm toward the door in a single whipping motion.
"Get out of my sight, you dumb blonde!" she screeched in anger, and the equally blonde Jericho had the stupidity to holler, "Hey, watch what you're saying!" as Hunter slunk out of her dressing room.
As soon as Hunter had left, Jericho quickly sidled up to Stephanie and pulled out a sheet of lyrics from inside his jacket, whispering in a conspiratorial voice, "Now that Triple Nose is out of here, we can get down to some serious business!" He then practically blinded poor Steph with the lyrics, as he sang out triumphantly, "Ta da! What do you think, huh?" Stephanie, after checking her nose to make sure she hadn't gotten any paper cuts, critically studied the title while mumbling questioningly, "Alone?" Jericho nodded eagerly.
"That's right--you can't get any better than Heart's "Alone"--but don't tell the rest of Fozzy I said that, okay?" he added quickly, and Stephanie shrugged while quietly tucking away that last little piece of information into the back of her mind for future blackmail.
"C'mon!" Jericho was practically hopping up and down with excitement. "Sing it! Sing it!" Stephanie scowled in annoyance.
"All right, all right," she snapped irritably. "Jeez." And she took a deep breath and began to sing.
Song lyrics to Heart's "Alone"removed, in accordance with FFN's newest brilliant idea
Song lyrics to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"removed, in accordance with FFN's newest brilliant idea
Fortunately, before Jericho's second pair of flashy little sunglasses could break like his first pair had, Stephanie stopped abruptly in mid-song and shook her head.
"Oh, Christopher, Christopher," she lamented mournfully, earning herself a wide-eyed look of confusion from the blonde Canadian. "I always knew something like this would happen. I mean, how could you resist this--" she flipped back her long chestnut hair like an Herbal Essences model--"this--" motioned with one arm up and down her figure--"and of course, these!" and finished by pointing to her massive (Great Dane!) puppies.
"Huh?" Jericho's nose scrunched up in complete and utter confusion, and in the back of his mind he wondered whether Stephanie had found the time to consume as much alcohol as he had earlier that day.
"Chris," Stephanie began in a quietly understanding voice, "I know you're attracted to me, and I can't say I'm all that surprised by it. I mean, let's be honest here--who wouldn't? However, you have a wife waiting for you at home, and I'm in a serious relationship with someone who would be all too happy to shove his World Heavyweight title belt straight up your little Canadian tush, if you know what I mean?" She sighed and paused for a dramatic effect, before continuing, "I'm sorry! But this has got to stop, right here and now! We can't go on pretending this chemistry isn't here!"
"Eh...?" Jericho was beginning to have rather unwelcome flashbacks of when his ninth grade teacher had forced him to read the part of Juliet during their Shakespeare unit.
Fortunately for Jericho, before the little soap opera theatrics could continue, Jeff Hardy poked his head into the dressing room and chirped eagerly, "Hey, Steph, I heard you're looking for a new song. Have you ever thought of singing some Garbage!" Stephanie's eyebrows nearly flew right off her forehead in outrage, as she screeched insultedly, "Garbage! Why, any music coming out of my gorgeous mouth is not garbage...!" Jeff let out a little girlie scream as he wisely ducked out of her room, just in time to avoid getting pelted on the head by Hunter's heavyweight title.
Stephanie sighed in satisfaction as she kicked Jeff out, only to turn around and bump right into a goofily grinning Kurt Angle.
"Kurt!" She drew back. "You startled me...how did you get in?"
"We have adjoining dressing rooms, you know," the bumbling Olympian reminded her cheerfully, and Stephanie relaxed before questioning suspiciously, "You haven't exactly been, uh, peeping, have you?" Kurt looked offended.
"Peeing!" he squawked. "Why, do I look like I would just go to the bathroom in a place without a toilet?"
"I meant--oh, never mind." It didn't take Stephanie too long to decide that if Kurt was clueless enough to misinterpret what she'd just said, he couldn't possibly even come up with the idea of peeping.
"So, Kurt, what do you want?" she asked after a while, to which the Olympic champion began in a bubbly voice, "Well, I heard from that Hardy kid that you need a new song for this contest!"
"Oh, no!" Stephanie groaned, and Kurt hastened to reassure her, "No, no! See, I've got a great idea, instead of telling you to sing garbage, I mean, you're much too pretty and nice and smart to do that!"
"Coughsuckupcough," Jericho harrumphed none too discreetly, but was quickly silenced when Stephanie unleashed her killer glare on him. She then turned to Kurt, smiling sweetly and prodding, "Yes?"
"Well, see, I was thinking that you could sing that one Frenchy song that's all exotic and sultry and whatnot, just like you, Steph," he continued. "You know, that "Lady Marmalade" thing?" Stephanie lit up.
"Oh, yeah! With someone as sophisticated as me, it's only fair that I get an equally sophisticated song," she agreed.
"So, go ahead and sing some for us, Steph," Kurt urged, ignoring Jericho's sarcastically mumbled jeer of, "Yeah, go ahead and sing for us, oh Stephy-poo. We totally can't wait to have our eardrums shattered!" Stephanie glared at him one last time, before beginning to sing what she could remember.
Before Stephanie could continue babbling and screeching her way through "Lady Marmalade," Jericho thankfully interrupted her by bursting out laughing in the most obnoxious way possible. Stephanie stopped, huffily sulking, "And just what was wrong with my song this time, Mr. Got-His-Ass-Whooped-By-Angry-Feminists?" Jericho stopped laughing and nearly croaked as he remembered that embarrassing little incident that Stephanie had gotten on tape and gleefully shown to him afterwards when he was sober, but quickly regained his composure and proceeded in his usual arrogant way, "Why, nothing's wrong with your song, Lady McMahon, except that you just asked me if I wanted to have sex with you!" Stephanie's mouth dropped open in outrage.
"KURT!" SLAP
RVD wandered into the dressing room just in time to catch Jericho discreetly sneaking out via the nearest open window--but not before first spouting his good old, "Dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trashbag ho" catchphrase. Stephanie, busy with chasing Kurt around to smack his bald Olympic head with her purse while angrily screeching at him, was too preoccupied to notice when a certain obnoxiously arrogant blonde Canadian had now been replaced by an annoyingly calm, cool, and collected Michigan native. It wasn't until Kurt, preoccupied with dodging Stephanie, bumped smack dab into RVD and nearly caused his attacker to do the same that the Smackdown! GM finally noticed Mr. Monday Night's presence and screeched to a halt.
"Oh, hi, Rob," she greeted warily. "What do you want?" RVD grinned in response.
"Well, I came by to suggest a song for you, Steph," he replied casually, and Stephanie groaned.
"No!" she almost yelled. "I don't want to hear any more stupid song suggestions that will lead to me kicking your ass." RVD blinked under her sonic assault, before quickly replying, "Now, Steph, hear me out, I swear you'll love it--this song was a total chart-topper back in the nineties; plus the singer was one of the biggest divas around." Stephanie looked skeptical, but when RVD revealed his song's name, the uncertainty was replaced with happiness as she squealed, "Oh, I adored that movie!" RVD blinked in surprise.
"Eh...you did?" he ventured nervously. Clearing his throat when Stephanie nodded an affirmation, he quickly went on, "Now, I'm not expecting much from you...but I'd kind of been hoping that, as head of the WWE's creative team, you'd be able to stretch your influence just a little for a tiny favor." Stephanie gave him a suspicious look.
"What kind of favor?" she asked in a carefully guarded voice. RVD grinned.
"Oh, nothing much," he whistled, a picture of innocence. "Just that you book Jeff Hardy into a match against Kane, with the stipulation that when Hardy loses, he has to be stripped down to whatever's appropriate for network television and thrown into the section of the arena that has the most young women for a full fifteen minutes!" Stephanie hesitated, mulling this over.
"Well...it was a good song that you suggested...And besides, Jeff did imply that whatever I sang was garbage," she murmured to herself. She then snapped up and agreed briskly, "You've got a deal, Van Dam!"
"And now," the host bubbled in his usual insanely happy voice, "here's Contestant No. 55...who's decided to change her song from "Wind Beneath My Wings" to--are you ready for this--Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You!" Yay!"
"NO!" the WWE participants, with the sole exception of RVD and his snug little earplugs, screeched in horror in the back. Stephanie confidently strutted out to the stage with the usual McMahon confidence, grabbed the microphone, and began to sing.
"AAAAAAUUUGH!" the WWE participants shouted, with the exception of Jericho, who was now fighting with RVD for his earplugs.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Jeff hollered, apparently after RVD had gleefully revealed to him the little match Stephanie had arranged in an effort to take his mind off the painful singing after Jericho had won the fight for the earplugs.