Disclaimer: I don't own SKU.
Author's note: Thanks for all the nice reviews people gave me!! I feel so loved! By the way, does anyone out there like the idea of a Saionji x Touga pairing? I think that's what my next fic will be based on. But don't look for it anytime soon. I'm still working out the bugs in the plot…oh, and sorry for the big jump in the flashback countdowns but I didn't want this to go on for too long and become boring….
Chp.4
We lay side by side on the bed, talking. Every once in a while, Juri would let some of her fingers interlock with mine and squeeze my hand.
She finally asked the question I had been waiting for. "Why Kozue?"
I didn't answer at first because no words would come into my mouth. When I did, I spoke slowly and carefully. "Why do you love Shiori? Love is something that can never really be explained, can it? I don't know why I began to love her just as you could never say how Shiori found a place in your locket."
I turned my head to her and saw that her face was twisted with a weird expression, a cross between realization and denial. We were silent for a while and then she swung her legs around and got to her feet, never looking at me. "Miki, why do people have to fall in love?" it sounded more like a challenge than a question.
"We just do. Even if Kozue hadn't been my twin, I believe that we would have met somewhere in the world and I would have fallen for her just the same," I said, admitting that my feelings had been more than a one time thought about what might have been between us.
She pulled the locket from her shirt and fingered it, almost prudently. "They told us that she killed herself."
"Killed herself?" I asked in a huff.
She nodded. "What really happened?"
What happened? I killed her. That's what happened. If she hadn't found my damn journal...
1 week 2 days earlier:
It was hot so we had taken refuge underneath a large tree, its numerous leaves providing much needed shade. She rested her head in my lap as I sat, feet straight out, reading a book. I had to restrain myself from stroking a finger across her cheek and telling her how much I thought about us. It was hard.
"Miki, do you have a crush on someone?" she asked, both eyes closed.
I set the book down on the grass beside me. "No," I lied.
"Tell me the truth." She opened one eye now.
"I am."
"No you're not. You like some girl. That's why you've been acting so strange lately."
Crap, she had noticed. I wanted to say, "You don't know the half of it" but instead I opted for, "I don't have a crush on anyone."
"Liar. Are you sneaking around with her? I'll kick her ass if she's—"
"I'm not lying!" I half yelled and she shrugged and closed her eyes again.
"I'll find out," she said quietly.
2 days earlier:
The night of the big dance I was reclined on the couch, reviewing the latest entry in my journal. The latest, most revealing entry. It read:
Day 8: (I hadn't really remembered to use it everyday…)
The last two weeks have been complete hell. Every time she's near me I want to pull her into my arms and it hurts so much to know that I can't. She is within my reach yet I can never have her. I can't believe this. I am in love. With Kozue. Deeply, sickly, obsessively in love. She must never know. Never never never never.
I wasn't able to write anymore. I was too disgusted with myself. I put the book facedown on the cushion and headed for the bathroom. Bracing myself over the toilet, my stomach boiling, I vomited violently until bright blood began to speckle the half-digested mess that confronted me; but I couldn't seem to stop. My insides were coming up. My heart pushing against my burning throat along with it all. When I did stop though, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Then, the tears came and I sobbed against the wall, pounding it viciously with my fists. They were covered with bruises in minutes. Somehow I dragged myself into the shower, turning the water to the hottest it would go and tried to scald the nausea out of myself. I felt so…dirty. Like nothing I did would ever make me clean again.
Amidst the steam and noise of the running water, I wouldn't hear her come in. Wouldn't hear her pick up the book. Wouldn't hear her flip the pages, one by one, reading each with growing surprise. No, I wouldn't hear a thing. Not a thing…
Kozue opened the door and walked in, eager to change for the dance and leave again. She went to the closet and produced a beautiful black strapless gown that shimmered darkly under the lamplight. She stripped to her bra and undies and slipped into it. The fabric fit her like a glove. A wonderful glove. After putting on her high heels, a thin silver necklace, and bright ruby earrings, she twirled a couple times in the mirror, admiring herself. That's when she saw it in the corner of the reflection. The small red book on the couch. It was without a title, which caught her curiosity and she reached for it.
Abruptly, the distracting sound of water invaded her ears, causing her to withdraw her outstretched hand, and she concluded that Miki was in the shower, cleaning himself before he tried on his tux. It hung beside the spot the dress had occupied, in all its crisp glory. She considered yelling for him to hurry up so she could see it on him but thought it better if he surprised her on the dance floor. She would leave him a note. She glanced around for a scrap of paper and spotted one on the bedside nightstand, along with a pen. This is what she wrote:
Went to the dance. See you there.
Satisfied she dropped the pen beside it and started towards the door, but then remembered that the red book still lay untouched. She was itching to see what it held inside…
As she turned to the first page, she realized it was Miki's diary. "How cute. Maybe it'll say who he likes," she mumbled, a faint smile beginning. She had been wondering for the last week who it could be. She skimmed through it…until she came to the first mention of her name. With an even stronger interest, she read the entry out loud, all thoughts of Miki's "crush" gone for the time being.
"Day 5. I wanted to kiss her today. I really did. I hate myself so much right now. If she ever saw this, I don't know what I would do. Maybe I should just tell her. Kozue, I love you."
The water spurting down my body felt so good and I didn't want to get out but I knew I had to. I would be late for the dance.
I turned the knob to the right and the flow immediately ceased. I ran a hand through my wet hair, stepped out and grabbed for a towel, but there wasn't one. I had left it on the bed earlier. Oh well, Kozue wasn't back yet so I was safe to go out like I was.
I definitely wasn't prepared for what I saw when I went through the door. It was Kozue. She sat on the couch, her eyes somewhat glazed over and in her hand was…oh, god…
I became acutely aware of the way she appeared to me at the time. Those wispy strands of indigo, curling around her neck. The tilt of her head. The furrow in her brow. The way she had propped one leg on top of the other, so smoothly. The fresh smell of used soap wafting from the bathroom…
Her face was stone as she glanced up. "Why?" she whispered, almost inaudibly. I heard the hurt in her voice.
I stood naked, the droplets splattering to the ground and thought for a crazy second that if I closed my eyes and then reopened them, I would still be in the shower. Away from here. Away from this moment. Away from…everything… because life is funny. Sometimes its really nice to you and other times it just comes back to bite you in the ass. This was one of those bite-you-in-the-ass-times.
I took a cautious step towards her and I will never forget the look she gave me right then. It was like I was some sort of half-dead animal with my rotting flesh dropping around me. She flinched visibly and moved her mouth but no sound came out.
I listened to the seconds on the clock ticking by as I tried to comprehend my plight. Each one sounded like huge shards of glass slamming into the floor only to shatter into millions of pieces. Bang. Shatter. Bang. Shatter. It seemed like a thousand years had gone by, when in actuality, it was seconds. Only seconds. That's all it took for life as I knew it to tear into me and go down the drain. That's all it took for her to run from the room, leaving the door just the slightest bit ajar.
I continued to stand, bent my head down… and cried.
Author's note: Did you like it? I wasn't going to have Kozue find the journal while Miki was there at first. She was going to find it in a drawer while looking for some perfume. But I thought it would be so much more heart wrenching if he walked out while she was reading it. More on his reaction in the next chapter!! (and…how Kozue really died is coming up!) Sadly, there will only be two more chapters after this one (maybe three)…
Author's note: Thanks for all the nice reviews people gave me!! I feel so loved! By the way, does anyone out there like the idea of a Saionji x Touga pairing? I think that's what my next fic will be based on. But don't look for it anytime soon. I'm still working out the bugs in the plot…oh, and sorry for the big jump in the flashback countdowns but I didn't want this to go on for too long and become boring….
Chp.4
We lay side by side on the bed, talking. Every once in a while, Juri would let some of her fingers interlock with mine and squeeze my hand.
She finally asked the question I had been waiting for. "Why Kozue?"
I didn't answer at first because no words would come into my mouth. When I did, I spoke slowly and carefully. "Why do you love Shiori? Love is something that can never really be explained, can it? I don't know why I began to love her just as you could never say how Shiori found a place in your locket."
I turned my head to her and saw that her face was twisted with a weird expression, a cross between realization and denial. We were silent for a while and then she swung her legs around and got to her feet, never looking at me. "Miki, why do people have to fall in love?" it sounded more like a challenge than a question.
"We just do. Even if Kozue hadn't been my twin, I believe that we would have met somewhere in the world and I would have fallen for her just the same," I said, admitting that my feelings had been more than a one time thought about what might have been between us.
She pulled the locket from her shirt and fingered it, almost prudently. "They told us that she killed herself."
"Killed herself?" I asked in a huff.
She nodded. "What really happened?"
What happened? I killed her. That's what happened. If she hadn't found my damn journal...
1 week 2 days earlier:
It was hot so we had taken refuge underneath a large tree, its numerous leaves providing much needed shade. She rested her head in my lap as I sat, feet straight out, reading a book. I had to restrain myself from stroking a finger across her cheek and telling her how much I thought about us. It was hard.
"Miki, do you have a crush on someone?" she asked, both eyes closed.
I set the book down on the grass beside me. "No," I lied.
"Tell me the truth." She opened one eye now.
"I am."
"No you're not. You like some girl. That's why you've been acting so strange lately."
Crap, she had noticed. I wanted to say, "You don't know the half of it" but instead I opted for, "I don't have a crush on anyone."
"Liar. Are you sneaking around with her? I'll kick her ass if she's—"
"I'm not lying!" I half yelled and she shrugged and closed her eyes again.
"I'll find out," she said quietly.
2 days earlier:
The night of the big dance I was reclined on the couch, reviewing the latest entry in my journal. The latest, most revealing entry. It read:
Day 8: (I hadn't really remembered to use it everyday…)
The last two weeks have been complete hell. Every time she's near me I want to pull her into my arms and it hurts so much to know that I can't. She is within my reach yet I can never have her. I can't believe this. I am in love. With Kozue. Deeply, sickly, obsessively in love. She must never know. Never never never never.
I wasn't able to write anymore. I was too disgusted with myself. I put the book facedown on the cushion and headed for the bathroom. Bracing myself over the toilet, my stomach boiling, I vomited violently until bright blood began to speckle the half-digested mess that confronted me; but I couldn't seem to stop. My insides were coming up. My heart pushing against my burning throat along with it all. When I did stop though, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Then, the tears came and I sobbed against the wall, pounding it viciously with my fists. They were covered with bruises in minutes. Somehow I dragged myself into the shower, turning the water to the hottest it would go and tried to scald the nausea out of myself. I felt so…dirty. Like nothing I did would ever make me clean again.
Amidst the steam and noise of the running water, I wouldn't hear her come in. Wouldn't hear her pick up the book. Wouldn't hear her flip the pages, one by one, reading each with growing surprise. No, I wouldn't hear a thing. Not a thing…
Kozue opened the door and walked in, eager to change for the dance and leave again. She went to the closet and produced a beautiful black strapless gown that shimmered darkly under the lamplight. She stripped to her bra and undies and slipped into it. The fabric fit her like a glove. A wonderful glove. After putting on her high heels, a thin silver necklace, and bright ruby earrings, she twirled a couple times in the mirror, admiring herself. That's when she saw it in the corner of the reflection. The small red book on the couch. It was without a title, which caught her curiosity and she reached for it.
Abruptly, the distracting sound of water invaded her ears, causing her to withdraw her outstretched hand, and she concluded that Miki was in the shower, cleaning himself before he tried on his tux. It hung beside the spot the dress had occupied, in all its crisp glory. She considered yelling for him to hurry up so she could see it on him but thought it better if he surprised her on the dance floor. She would leave him a note. She glanced around for a scrap of paper and spotted one on the bedside nightstand, along with a pen. This is what she wrote:
Went to the dance. See you there.
Satisfied she dropped the pen beside it and started towards the door, but then remembered that the red book still lay untouched. She was itching to see what it held inside…
As she turned to the first page, she realized it was Miki's diary. "How cute. Maybe it'll say who he likes," she mumbled, a faint smile beginning. She had been wondering for the last week who it could be. She skimmed through it…until she came to the first mention of her name. With an even stronger interest, she read the entry out loud, all thoughts of Miki's "crush" gone for the time being.
"Day 5. I wanted to kiss her today. I really did. I hate myself so much right now. If she ever saw this, I don't know what I would do. Maybe I should just tell her. Kozue, I love you."
The water spurting down my body felt so good and I didn't want to get out but I knew I had to. I would be late for the dance.
I turned the knob to the right and the flow immediately ceased. I ran a hand through my wet hair, stepped out and grabbed for a towel, but there wasn't one. I had left it on the bed earlier. Oh well, Kozue wasn't back yet so I was safe to go out like I was.
I definitely wasn't prepared for what I saw when I went through the door. It was Kozue. She sat on the couch, her eyes somewhat glazed over and in her hand was…oh, god…
I became acutely aware of the way she appeared to me at the time. Those wispy strands of indigo, curling around her neck. The tilt of her head. The furrow in her brow. The way she had propped one leg on top of the other, so smoothly. The fresh smell of used soap wafting from the bathroom…
Her face was stone as she glanced up. "Why?" she whispered, almost inaudibly. I heard the hurt in her voice.
I stood naked, the droplets splattering to the ground and thought for a crazy second that if I closed my eyes and then reopened them, I would still be in the shower. Away from here. Away from this moment. Away from…everything… because life is funny. Sometimes its really nice to you and other times it just comes back to bite you in the ass. This was one of those bite-you-in-the-ass-times.
I took a cautious step towards her and I will never forget the look she gave me right then. It was like I was some sort of half-dead animal with my rotting flesh dropping around me. She flinched visibly and moved her mouth but no sound came out.
I listened to the seconds on the clock ticking by as I tried to comprehend my plight. Each one sounded like huge shards of glass slamming into the floor only to shatter into millions of pieces. Bang. Shatter. Bang. Shatter. It seemed like a thousand years had gone by, when in actuality, it was seconds. Only seconds. That's all it took for life as I knew it to tear into me and go down the drain. That's all it took for her to run from the room, leaving the door just the slightest bit ajar.
I continued to stand, bent my head down… and cried.
Author's note: Did you like it? I wasn't going to have Kozue find the journal while Miki was there at first. She was going to find it in a drawer while looking for some perfume. But I thought it would be so much more heart wrenching if he walked out while she was reading it. More on his reaction in the next chapter!! (and…how Kozue really died is coming up!) Sadly, there will only be two more chapters after this one (maybe three)…