My Betrothed
I swore to myself that I wouldn't think of her today.
Yet here I am, lying in bed at some random hotel, dreaming of the girl that changed my world. Not the world. But I certainly know my world will never be the same.
After so many years of the same old routine, cliché duels, and the men who thought they owned me. The men who thought I was special. It would have been expected for my heart to be closed off. I had agreed with that thought myself. But after losing Utena to what I believed to be the sole purpose I was 'engaged' to her... My heart cried.
I cried.
For weeks, I sobbed. I cried like a baby. No, I wept like a widowed newlywed. After all, that is what I was. That's what I am.
Nothing has changed since I lost her. Not my feelings (Unless they have grown stronger for her) not my immortal body, not anything. Except time. Yes, it has only been a few months. But each hour is an eternity too long. Utena's hair, how long will it be now? Maybe she's gotten it cut. Maybe... she's settled down in a house, one by a lake. That would be beautiful, though highly unlike her.
Then again, this is highly unlike me.
To be in love. I swore to myself I would never fall for it again. But Utena's not like my love, so long ago. She is different, in all ways possible. She is pure. Well, she was before he got a hold of her. It's very uncomfortable thinking we've had sex with the same man. Or rather, he had sex with us.
Now that I have been awakened, I realize the games he played. I always have, I just never accepted it.
Why do I waste my time? I above all people should know she is not to be found. Not in this world, anyway. I have always known that. But I don't know how to escape there with her. I need to. I need you, my betrothed. Perhaps then, we can have a proper wedding. And a proper life. The kind of life Utena deserves. One in which she can focus on her own happiness, and not mine.
Weakly I reach over to turn off the lamp on my bedside. Now the room is drenched in darkness. I lay on my back, staring wistfully at the ceiling. I don't know why I bother. I haven't slept in weeks.
Images of her face, her smile, her body cloud my mind. Yes, she was beautiful. And she would have been mine, if only I would let her.
"Utena..." I sob to myself as part of my nightly routine. I wrap my arms around myself, imitating the way she used to hold me. As I try to bring comfort to my cold body.
There was no knock, but the hinges to the door lightly squeaked as a slumped figure entered the room.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't think of her today.
Yet here I am, lying in bed at some random hotel, dreaming of the girl that changed my world. Not the world. But I certainly know my world will never be the same.
After so many years of the same old routine, cliché duels, and the men who thought they owned me. The men who thought I was special. It would have been expected for my heart to be closed off. I had agreed with that thought myself. But after losing Utena to what I believed to be the sole purpose I was 'engaged' to her... My heart cried.
I cried.
For weeks, I sobbed. I cried like a baby. No, I wept like a widowed newlywed. After all, that is what I was. That's what I am.
Nothing has changed since I lost her. Not my feelings (Unless they have grown stronger for her) not my immortal body, not anything. Except time. Yes, it has only been a few months. But each hour is an eternity too long. Utena's hair, how long will it be now? Maybe she's gotten it cut. Maybe... she's settled down in a house, one by a lake. That would be beautiful, though highly unlike her.
Then again, this is highly unlike me.
To be in love. I swore to myself I would never fall for it again. But Utena's not like my love, so long ago. She is different, in all ways possible. She is pure. Well, she was before he got a hold of her. It's very uncomfortable thinking we've had sex with the same man. Or rather, he had sex with us.
Now that I have been awakened, I realize the games he played. I always have, I just never accepted it.
Why do I waste my time? I above all people should know she is not to be found. Not in this world, anyway. I have always known that. But I don't know how to escape there with her. I need to. I need you, my betrothed. Perhaps then, we can have a proper wedding. And a proper life. The kind of life Utena deserves. One in which she can focus on her own happiness, and not mine.
Weakly I reach over to turn off the lamp on my bedside. Now the room is drenched in darkness. I lay on my back, staring wistfully at the ceiling. I don't know why I bother. I haven't slept in weeks.
Images of her face, her smile, her body cloud my mind. Yes, she was beautiful. And she would have been mine, if only I would let her.
"Utena..." I sob to myself as part of my nightly routine. I wrap my arms around myself, imitating the way she used to hold me. As I try to bring comfort to my cold body.
There was no knock, but the hinges to the door lightly squeaked as a slumped figure entered the room.