I am not infallible.
Sometimes, I think people get the wrong impression, from my cheerful personality and smiling demeanor. There's Tohru Honda, they say to themselves, always bright and brilliant as the morning sun. If I only I could be like her, always untouched by pain, and always protected from hurt.
But, I am like any other person. I have a full range of emotions that I feel and that I exhibit. I am happy. There is no doubt that I am. My wonderful friends lend me their support and my beautiful family will always keep me from harm. They are my pedestal, and I rest my weight against them because I trust them.
There is a fainter undercurrent that passes through me. I am hollow.
Perhaps hollow is too bleak a word, but that is how my heart feels when I see myself. So hollow. Because my mother died, a large piece of my self also withered away. Because I don't cry about it, or bemoan my luck, or anything that would indicate that I am disheartened by my loss, I give off the impression that it did not affect me.
But then, what would account for this gaping hole in my chest? I long for my mother. The dark cavern where my heart once was is forever searching, wanting something that cannot be replaced.
I am in grief. I conceal it better with each passing day, each passing hour, but it's still there, getting bigger and more desperate. Perhaps this is why I bring Mother up so many times in conversation, to try and ease my soul. But I have to wonder if it isn't being counterproductive, dwelling so much on the past and living by clinging onto Mother's words.
Yuki-kun knows that I am sad, however well I veil my misery, and he is kind. Many times, I look at the qualities of my friends and family. They are my hope. The more I hide away my true feelings, the more they will dig to unearth the unpleasantness I strove to keep away from them. I do not want them to be burdened by me, but yet they seek out every opportunity to do so. Such kindness, such empathy, I feel is what I need.
Maybe they will make me whole again, Uo-chan and Hana-chan, Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun.
~*~*~*~
Uo-chan is so strong. She and Hana-chan are like my royal guards; as they tail me from place to place and never let me out of their sight. I'm so grateful that feel that I'm someone who needs to be protected. While it is a bit unnerving to watch them shake down anyone who gives me a wrong look, they have saved me from unpleasant situations more times than I can count.
Together they are invincible.
Uo-chan is spirited. She won't ever back down from a fight or when she thinks her morals are being challenged. She will stick to her ideals as long as she believes them, and it's amazing to me that anyone could be so unwavering in their faith. Uo-chan is an admirable person.
Hana-chan is cool and collected. There's something to be said for tact and logic. While people are busy running circles around themselves, Hana-chan fades into the background and watches. This way, she can fully use the incident to her advantage. The scathing remarks and cool glances mean nothing to her. She does what she needs to protect herself. I am so glad for that. Her self-reliance makes her less vulnerable.
Apart, they are both strong and independent. They take things as they come and always manage to pull themselves upright. Together, they make a team that is not to be trifled with. They make something that is indestructible in the face of petty insults or threats.
I love them so much.
~*~*~*~
Living together with my family, there have been many instances where I see the glimmering quality of their soul. Everyone is so different, and there are many clashes at home; but at the end of the day everything remains unchanged.
Kyou-kun is so competitive. He won't let anyone stand in the way of his dreams, and he won't let anyone push around. He'll never admit he's wrong, so there's always a sense of rivalry between Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun. I think Kyou-kun is secretly jealous of Yuki-kun, and wants to have people look up to him the same they do Yuki-kun. But there are times when I see the Kyou-kun behind the angry façade, and he startles me with his placidness. If Kyou-kun really wanted to, I'll bet that he could let the real Kyou-kun shine through. It would be wonderful if he did.
Yuki-kun is revered in our high school. His good looks and refined manners have earned him the nickname "Prince." Yuki-kun really is just that, a prince. He is kind to everybody, and often puts up with more than his fair share to please everyone. It is kind of him to care so much for other people, some whom he may not even know. Yuki-kun is always looking out for everybody, always trying his best to make everyone smile. He is popular with the whole class because of this. And yet, he wants more, perhaps, because his smiles are always tinged by sadness. Perhaps he wants to be like Kyou-kun, drawing people to him without such effort.
Shigure-san is subtle. I'm sure every first impression he's given off has been misleading. But I wonder what face he is truly bears underneath the layers of trickery. Is he a helpless romantic? Or is he cool and suave, a lady's man? Sometimes, I see a little of both swimming around his in his behavior. Maybe, maybe, they are both wrong? Maybe he is someone to be admired. I see that the most. Shigure-san has done a lot for all of us, Kyou-kun, Yuki-kun, and I. Although it is not noticeable and you have to really try hard to see the examples, they are there. Taking all three of us into his house is a big favor, one not to be taken lightly. He allows us to come and go as we please, and he treats us more like equals than children. I think Shigure-san is just modest and doesn't want unnecessary attention and gratitude to be poured on him. He's a very commendable person.
Together, we four are a family. We are not the most harmonious family, not the happiest by far; but in the end, we may be all we have. Or perhaps I'm just projecting myself too far again. No matter, at the end of the day, everyone is at the same house and eating the same food. That's what counts, right? Everyone together.
I love them too.
~*~*~*~
Seeing everyone, loving everyone makes me happy. Knowing everyone loves me back makes me blessed. Where did I come upon such luck?
I am still hollow. I know the hole will heal, but it will take a long, long time. There's a chance that it will never close up completely. But I'm not worried. My friends, my new family, have given me reason enough to try and fight this sadness. To try and heal myself. Just by being so close to them, I can almost feel completely happy again.
But I won't lose myself to grief. However tempting it maybe sometimes, to sit and wallow in self-pity, I won't give in. I won't give up. Because thinking about everyone, I've realized something.
Everyone fights so hard for themselves. For who they want to be, for whom they love. It would be shameful for me to give up.
Because I'm Tohru Honda, and I'm a fighter too.
~*~*~*~
A/N: This piece needs to be beta'd. In fact, I think the grammar and structure of this is so horrible that it needs some serious counseling.
I wrote this to try and get into Tohru's head. I've only seen the first twelve episodes of FB, but her character seems a little flat and too perfect. I actually really liked her set up, but so much more could've been done to flesh her out, methinks. I was hoping to make her a little more human (to me), but I don't think I did very well. Writing first person POV's has never been a talent of mine, everything ends up sort of dull and rambly. Oh well, I tried.
This fic changed a lot too. Originally, Tohru was going to compare Yuki, Kyou, and Shigure to the types of anime they watched, but that turned out sad. As in pathetic, sad. While anime characters watching anime can be pulled off (Nadesico, The QOS's Crazy Little Thing Called Love (InuYasha)) I don't have the talent it takes for it to sound believable. Kyou watches Naruto; Yuki like Wolf's Rain; Shigure, Chobits; and Tohru, Pita-Ten. Haha.
Please leave some constructive criticism if you happen to read this. ^_^