Warning: If you fall over laughing, we aren't responsible. If you find this
so crap you are forced to take your own life, again, we are not
responsible....
Disclaimer: The only character I own is this here serving wench (and jolly brilliant she is too) I stole Legolas off Tolkien, though I expect he would be spinning in his grave if he could read what had happened to the once honourable elf. I stole my basic idea off Fire, but its OK, I have her blessing and she's co-written it. Anything I've taken from other people's fics, I'm sorry, its just coz they're brilliant and I didn't do it on purpose... except the references to the Very Secret Diaries, but that's just coz they're brilliant, and the parts are very iccle, (in fact all I stole was strawberry scented bubble bath) So I'm only taking credit for the serving wench, everything else belongs to someone else, and most of the funniest parts were probably written by Fire, coz she's funnier than me...
Well this is my first fanfiction by the way, at least the first when I've ever written enough of to let people read, I suffer chronic writers block and laziness, I would like to say thank you to my marvellous beat reader who is... oh hold on, THAT'S ME! well thank you to myself then... If you feel I am posting chapters too slowly feel free to prod me with a cattle prod, as a serving wench I'm used to it.... I won't appreciate other abuse though, constructive criticism is welcome though. And remember, no-one is forcing you to review, but bear in mind I am rather friendly with an assassin MWAHAHAHA!
okles... So this is an AU fic, set before the fellowship.... there is (well there will be when this is finished) some implied slash, but nothing graphic so I'm sure even the most homophobic of people should cope, but that's not a guarantee.
Summary: This is an AU fic set before the fellowship. It is a companion piece to Assasins Come With Smiles, written by the marvellous Fire, and she co-wrote this too. This my friends, is the diary of the serving wench mentioned ever so briefly in Chapter 6 of that fic -but you don't have to have reads that to get this. The parallels are few and far between.
So here it is, - highly acclaimed (by me)... *drum roll*
The Diary of a Serving Wench
Once upon teatime, many moons ago, there was a serving wench who was a serving wench for a damn fine and hellishy sexy elf and his fantastically brilliant and kind wife. Though it was not always so, as she was not always so fortunate to be with the hellishy fine hunk of elf.
Day one
Saw a damn fine elf today. God only knows what he was doing in this pathetically boring part of town, all the decent strip joints are on the east side, but maybe he's into kinky hobbit stuff. I've heard that a lot of that goes on round here, though my mother tries to protect me from such disgusting goings on.
Day two
Saw lovely elf guy again. Am starting to wonder if he's stalking me. Or maybe he thinks that I'm stalking him. I really don't know. Well all will be revealed soon as I'm going to stalk... err, I mean "innocently happen to follow" him to see where he's going. Will have to use all the infiltration skills I've picked up over the years to spy on him.
Day three
Sexy elf is obviously more aware of his surroundings than I thought. I was hoping he wouldn't notice me as he seemed to be in an awful hurry, but instead of being oblivious to my existence, he actually asked me for direction. HE SPOKE TO ME!! I found answering difficult for a minute or so, strangely I had lost the power of speech. He was ever so patient though, perfect gentleman... ahem, When I finally did manage to tell him and he strode off, (I got an eyeful of granite- like arse too... *swoon*) I found I couldn't move for quite a while. He had wanted to know here he could find Deollyn, the local crime lord, maybe he's some kind of assassin, its about time we had one who's that hot. After all stealthily killing people in cold blood for money is such a turn on its wasted on most of the guys who do it...
Day three (later)
Well I saw the gorgeous elf yet again (*sigh*), he was in a rather large hurry. But he looked well nice and very clean compared to most of the stinking smelly Herberts round here. Oh the joys of baths, and strawberry scented bathfoam (speaking of which, I'm due my annual wash soon... anyway I digress) I bet he'd look simply spiffing in his birthday suit. And I'd offer to scrub his back ANYTIME!!! "Come hither while I get you all lathered up Blondie!!" *grins* Methinks I'll follow him to see what dastardly deeds he's up to, and if he needs any help with anything, anything at all, no matter how 'big'.
Disclaimer: The only character I own is this here serving wench (and jolly brilliant she is too) I stole Legolas off Tolkien, though I expect he would be spinning in his grave if he could read what had happened to the once honourable elf. I stole my basic idea off Fire, but its OK, I have her blessing and she's co-written it. Anything I've taken from other people's fics, I'm sorry, its just coz they're brilliant and I didn't do it on purpose... except the references to the Very Secret Diaries, but that's just coz they're brilliant, and the parts are very iccle, (in fact all I stole was strawberry scented bubble bath) So I'm only taking credit for the serving wench, everything else belongs to someone else, and most of the funniest parts were probably written by Fire, coz she's funnier than me...
Well this is my first fanfiction by the way, at least the first when I've ever written enough of to let people read, I suffer chronic writers block and laziness, I would like to say thank you to my marvellous beat reader who is... oh hold on, THAT'S ME! well thank you to myself then... If you feel I am posting chapters too slowly feel free to prod me with a cattle prod, as a serving wench I'm used to it.... I won't appreciate other abuse though, constructive criticism is welcome though. And remember, no-one is forcing you to review, but bear in mind I am rather friendly with an assassin MWAHAHAHA!
okles... So this is an AU fic, set before the fellowship.... there is (well there will be when this is finished) some implied slash, but nothing graphic so I'm sure even the most homophobic of people should cope, but that's not a guarantee.
Summary: This is an AU fic set before the fellowship. It is a companion piece to Assasins Come With Smiles, written by the marvellous Fire, and she co-wrote this too. This my friends, is the diary of the serving wench mentioned ever so briefly in Chapter 6 of that fic -but you don't have to have reads that to get this. The parallels are few and far between.
So here it is, - highly acclaimed (by me)... *drum roll*
The Diary of a Serving Wench
Once upon teatime, many moons ago, there was a serving wench who was a serving wench for a damn fine and hellishy sexy elf and his fantastically brilliant and kind wife. Though it was not always so, as she was not always so fortunate to be with the hellishy fine hunk of elf.
Day one
Saw a damn fine elf today. God only knows what he was doing in this pathetically boring part of town, all the decent strip joints are on the east side, but maybe he's into kinky hobbit stuff. I've heard that a lot of that goes on round here, though my mother tries to protect me from such disgusting goings on.
Day two
Saw lovely elf guy again. Am starting to wonder if he's stalking me. Or maybe he thinks that I'm stalking him. I really don't know. Well all will be revealed soon as I'm going to stalk... err, I mean "innocently happen to follow" him to see where he's going. Will have to use all the infiltration skills I've picked up over the years to spy on him.
Day three
Sexy elf is obviously more aware of his surroundings than I thought. I was hoping he wouldn't notice me as he seemed to be in an awful hurry, but instead of being oblivious to my existence, he actually asked me for direction. HE SPOKE TO ME!! I found answering difficult for a minute or so, strangely I had lost the power of speech. He was ever so patient though, perfect gentleman... ahem, When I finally did manage to tell him and he strode off, (I got an eyeful of granite- like arse too... *swoon*) I found I couldn't move for quite a while. He had wanted to know here he could find Deollyn, the local crime lord, maybe he's some kind of assassin, its about time we had one who's that hot. After all stealthily killing people in cold blood for money is such a turn on its wasted on most of the guys who do it...
Day three (later)
Well I saw the gorgeous elf yet again (*sigh*), he was in a rather large hurry. But he looked well nice and very clean compared to most of the stinking smelly Herberts round here. Oh the joys of baths, and strawberry scented bathfoam (speaking of which, I'm due my annual wash soon... anyway I digress) I bet he'd look simply spiffing in his birthday suit. And I'd offer to scrub his back ANYTIME!!! "Come hither while I get you all lathered up Blondie!!" *grins* Methinks I'll follow him to see what dastardly deeds he's up to, and if he needs any help with anything, anything at all, no matter how 'big'.