Well, since ff.net wouldn't publish my chapter rightly yesterday and prolly
bumped me down the list, I'm gonna bump myself right back up. Muahaha.
(Note: Anyone else having the !!!!!!!!!!!!! problem when uploading, well, I couldn't get rid of it until I uploaded as .doc. Doh! So that's how I solved my problem...)
Hmm. Perhaps I should add something to make this a legit post, eh??? Okay.to tease our good Mummy author friend Deana because she was writing more UC stories than Mummy, one night I started writing this goofy little fic, which actually features other Mummy authors that have been kind enough to review my stories. It's not finished. It's meant to be humorous and teasing, so please everyone remember the characters are NOT in character. If I've added you to this story, please take it as it was intended, light- hearted, affectionate humor. Also, if I've added you and you don't want to be in it, then lemme know and I'll take you out. Thanks to all my reviewers!!!!
*
Oh The Humanity.
by Angel Ruse
Written to my friend, Deana, who has lost faith in Ardeth Bay. ~ He sat upon a large throne, bedecked in his Med-Jai robes and a black thong that was at least two sizes too small. The very picture of a well taken care of king, who had strength and physical beauty and one heck of a sword arm. Ardeth Bay was in a sultry mood and gazed upon himself in a grand mirror, rubbing his bottom lip and sharing meaningful glances with those dark eyes. He draped his bare leg over the arm of his chair and ignored the scream that followed and reverberated throughout the massive tent. Life was rough, being a pretty boy warrior. Did they not understand that?
Ardeth took in a deep breath, watching his chest rise and fall. It was truly a magnificent sight, really. He blinked lengthily and smiled at the effect it had. All was right in the world. He was hot, Imhotep was gone and Deana, Ardeth's one of many true loves, cared about him more than life itself. Life was good. But suddenly his sweet bliss was intruded upon by a taller Med-Jai, who came before Ardeth and bowed. "Pittbull," he sighed as he stretched. There came that scream again. Ardeth pouted.
Pittbull bowed his head and held a paper forward. "Lady Deana bid me give this you, oh Stealer-Of-The-Credit-For-Killing-He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named." Sitting up straight, Ardeth looked from side to side and hissed, "Shush! How is my lady, Pitty?" He grinned at Pittbull's face. The Med-Jai absolutely despised being called 'Pitty'. Pitty went absolutely livid with rage and Ardeth could barely contain his smile.
"Your lady," Pittbull started through gritted teeth, "is gone!" The usually quiet Med-Jai pointed and laughed. "GONE! Guess who isn't the hottest bee in the hive! HA!"
Ardeth rolled his eyes and wiggled his foot, opening the letter to read the words of one of the women who held his heart. Suddenly it all came wooshing over him. The laughter, the tickles.the stories she wrote about him. Ardeth crumpled the note, hurled it across the room and threw himself off his throne in anguish, screaming, "Nooooooooo! God, nooooooooo!"
Pittbull laughed, then snickered, then stopped and scratched his head. Upon the desert sands did Ardeth Bay writhe in pain, his robe twisting in knots and flying up over his back to expose a well-rounded hind end. Pitty shuddered and looked away. "My.esophagus.is.closing," Ardeth squeaked, clutching madly at his throat. "Can't move. Can't breathe. Dying. Think I have.heart failure. Kidney!!!!" He groaned and grabbed at his shoulder. "HEALER!"
Pitty, now thoroughly composed, let Ardeth roll around the floor for a few moments more, then could take the pressure no longer. "You always do this," he chided, picking his fellow brother warrior up off the ground and dusting him off. "I think you let all them girls' stories go to your head, man! For the love of life pull yourself together! It was funny the first time, but not now."
"I do look pretty, laying there in a heap. All the girls love it." Ardeth sighed and looked around. "Where'd I stick my knife?"
With a disgusted tone, Pitty answered, "The prop closet, Ardeth and it's called a scimitar. Please at least try to look like a king. You've been laying around sucking up all the attention too long. No wonder Deana left for you that other."
"Welllll," Ardeth hissed, jerking up his pants and blowing a raspberry. "Why don't you just cut me open and pour salt inside my wounds?" He stopped and with bright, wide brown eyes, smiled. "I bet the girls would love that."
Pittbull slit his eyes at his king and crossed his massive arms, watching Ardeth turn back to the mirror to admire how he looked in pants and an opened robe. "It's not as if you don't have other wives," he commented dryly.
Ardeth crooked a finger, shook it thoughtfully and shoved a stick of gum into his mouth. "Which reminds me, have the killings stopped?"
"Unfortunately for them, no they have not," the servant answered in a sad, sad tone. The wives of Ardeth Bay were having a little war of their own at the moment, which was disturbing the entire tribe with the sheer ferocity in which these women displayed their jealousy over Ardeth's time. "Last night in fact Lady Mommints very narrowly escaped a cruel fate delivered by Lady Montana. It seems the poor woman was to become a victim of bad fashion, having had all her Med-Jai robes replaced with purple spandex." Pitty shivered at the sudden twinkle in Ardeth's eyes.
The young king rubbed his hands together and smiled. "I'll have to punish them, you know. I can't let this go unpunished." He winked hugely.
Pittbull repressed a sigh and humored Ardeth. "Yes, I can just imagine their terror, Sire." His king absolutely adored being called 'Sire', for it brought to mind a stunning fabrication of his astounding virility. Pitty snickered and Ardeth cocked a dark eyebrow.
The king looked far away, his dark eyes lost and hurt, those dark lashes finding rest upon the golden oasis of proud tattooed cheeks. His chest expanded ever so slightly as his lungs granted entrance to the unworthy air, then fell with his sweet, soft sigh. His delicately shampooed hair sang in cascades across a well-formed shoulder. "Pittbull," he began sorrowfully, then turned those devastating eyes upon his servant. The effects of that look were not lost upon even him and Pitty winced at the tears. "I miss Horus."
Hands raced to Pitty's face and wracking sobs tore through his body. That one statement could level a building with the sheer heartbreak it conveyed. Even cold-hearted Pittbull Lafevre could not control himself in the shadow of that secret agony his king kept hidden away like a deadly secret. He straightened and looked up and said, "We all do." Ardeth turned away again and Pitty, tight-lipped, murmured, "Retard."
Suddenly Ardeth whipped around, startling Pitty-who had gotten away with such utterances before. The muscular Med-Jai king glared hotly and pointed his servant right in the chest. "What?"
"Retards," Pitty supplied coolly. "I called your wives retards. They should be helping you forget the bird."
"OH GOD!" Ardeth wailed, dropping to his knees and looking lost. "HORUS! My poor." He paused and looked up. "Horus was a bird? Why would I need a bird for? They're scary." The king pulled himself together and got up shakily. "My wives. I must see my wives before I leave."
*
Frank wiggled his nose and looked at the fly that was buzzing around him. A low rumbling came from his remarkably toned chest. He looked quite the sight, sitting there in a pair of bell bottomed white pants, opened shirt with upturned collar and white blazer with a huge red F emblazoned on the back of it. Deana took cover when he pulled his gun out and aimed at the small insect. "If you do not leave me alone I am going to destroy your LIFE!" he growled, then pulled the trigger.
Deana tried her best to ignore the groan from behind her and even more so the crashing of garbage cans. Perhaps outdoor café's weren't the best place to bring Frank. "Honey," she said softly, lowering his arm and smiling. "You don't have to shoot the bugs."
He looked at her through emotionless, stoic eyes and cracked his neck. "Nonsense, woman. It's my job, nay my sworn duty to uphold justice, peace and sanity!" He hunched his shoulders and peered around cautiously.
Scooting a little further away, Deana tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded, not quite sure about that last one. But whatever made him happy. "That's nice, dear," she said, watching him smooth his hair back. Whatever he did, gel, water, spray, it always bounced back into a spikey position.
Quite suddenly she was stunned by a chuckle from his amazing lips. Frank pet her arm and said, "Lookit this." In a horrendous display did the corners of his mouth begin sinking into his face as he sucked and held it. He wiggled his fish lips and eyebrows and she giggled. "That's what I do to the all the criminals," he reported with a confident and serious nod. "It scares them."
Covering her lips to hide her continued laughter, Deana tried to not look at him as he did it again and he frowned. "Sorry," she whispered.
"They pay me big bucks to do that face," he assured her. He was so handsome, unlike Ardeth. They were totally on opposite ends of the poles, Deana decided. Ardeth was disturbing, Frank was a babe.
Deana peered at her new husband and giggled as he made the fishface at her menacingly.
*
Skirts fluttered, girlish laughter could be heard and Ardeth's wives stood in their large shared tent, giving their husband the evil eye as he giggled. He was quite thoroughly excitable when seeing them en masse like this. The femininity in the room could choke a horse, not to mention the softness his wives exuded. He stopped and giggled gently, blushing and greeting, "Lady Lula." She shook her head smartly at being the first wife that snagged his attention.
"Whatta ya know!?" she yelled, slapping his behind hotly, causing their husband to squeal and giggle harder. From across the way Lady Karri made a stabbing motion with an evil glint in her eye.
Ardeth continued on down the line and smiled softly at the next wife. "I wish I could stay and get a thigh massage, Lady Marcher. I know how well you like doing it." He made a show of looking devastated and leaned close for a kiss, but was stopped by a dagger whizzing between them. Lady Marcher slit her eyes and made a gun with her fingers, pretending to shoot at Lady Mommints with an ominous, "Pccccuoooooow!" sound. Ardeth tsk'd her and beeped her nose, winning a sticking out of the tongue.
"Lady Marxbros," Ardeth continued at the slightly peevish Med-Jai princess. He sighed and nodded knowingly. "Okay, okay. I'll return you to Jonathan." He batted his eyelashes pleadingly and she kicked him in the hip.
"Oooooooh," Ardeth groaned loudly, falling and looking up with light shining in his eyes. "Do it again!"
Lady Marxbros turned away with a chillingly unfeeling expression.
"I'll do it!" a voice cried and Ardeth curled into a ball for fear of his life. Quite suddenly his behind was viciously assaulted by rapidly delivered foot. "HA!" Filing her nails, Lady Hadassaknamu-who too recently went by the name of Lady Cacina until Ardeth started calling her Lady Cappuccino by mistake, after all, he is king and has a lot on his mind-shook her head and smirked. "Nice, Lady Montana. Real nice. He's laying there dying and you kick him."
Lady Montana opened her ruby lips to speak a revile, but was cut short by a louder voice calling from the back of the tent. "Ardeth!" she boomed and the ladies scowled. "Get off the floor, you freak."
Ardeth pulled himself laboriously from the floor and straightened his now hanging open robe, which had mysteriously been torn open in the fall. He edged it even further open and smiled, but the act was useless as his wife came and ripped it off the rest of the way. "Lady Ruse," he greeted, cupping his hands shyly over his naked chest. She smiled lasciviously and leered. He shook his head and looked around him at the countless women that adored him in their own fashion.
He had to get a hold of himself. They were just women. Nothing to fear. He cleared his throat and looked around again. "I've come to tell you two things, my wives whom I love very, very dearly in equal amounts." He coughed at their uneasy silence and winced when one lady ruffled her arms and cooed.
They closed in a little bit nearer and he swallowed. "Er, yes. Well, one, I want you to stop killing each other."
There was assorted laughter and comments after that proclamation and he smiled sheepishly. "Just kidding." They laughed and looked at him fondly- Lady Karri even awarded his head with a pat. He took a breath and they quieted again, eerily as he said, "And the second thing is I'm going to hunt Lady Deana."
Ardeth blinked as they gaped and stared with conniving expressions. It all started with Lady Lula hissing, "You suck!" and went badly from there on in as the women circled around him and began yanking on his clothes with angry expressions.
"No!" he cried, remembering the many stories some of them told about his demise and torment. A hand found his now stripped thigh and he giggled despite the impending doom. "Remember my virtue! I must keep my virtue!"
Instantly all hands came off and he was treated to frosty stares. He yanked himself into a standing position and pulled his pants back up, zipping them with emphasis and giving them stern looks. "Oh look, he's mad," Lady Marcher whispered smartly and Ardeth sighed defeatedly.
"Won't you ladies please take me seriously for once?" he asked them in disappointed tones. The ladies whispered amongst themselves and he brightened, wondering if they would agree to such a ridiculous request.
He was answered quite plainly when his missing thong slapped him in the face. Ardeth crossed his arms and pouted.
*
Unfortunately..this is where it ends so far. :O
(Note: Anyone else having the !!!!!!!!!!!!! problem when uploading, well, I couldn't get rid of it until I uploaded as .doc. Doh! So that's how I solved my problem...)
Hmm. Perhaps I should add something to make this a legit post, eh??? Okay.to tease our good Mummy author friend Deana because she was writing more UC stories than Mummy, one night I started writing this goofy little fic, which actually features other Mummy authors that have been kind enough to review my stories. It's not finished. It's meant to be humorous and teasing, so please everyone remember the characters are NOT in character. If I've added you to this story, please take it as it was intended, light- hearted, affectionate humor. Also, if I've added you and you don't want to be in it, then lemme know and I'll take you out. Thanks to all my reviewers!!!!
*
Oh The Humanity.
by Angel Ruse
Written to my friend, Deana, who has lost faith in Ardeth Bay. ~ He sat upon a large throne, bedecked in his Med-Jai robes and a black thong that was at least two sizes too small. The very picture of a well taken care of king, who had strength and physical beauty and one heck of a sword arm. Ardeth Bay was in a sultry mood and gazed upon himself in a grand mirror, rubbing his bottom lip and sharing meaningful glances with those dark eyes. He draped his bare leg over the arm of his chair and ignored the scream that followed and reverberated throughout the massive tent. Life was rough, being a pretty boy warrior. Did they not understand that?
Ardeth took in a deep breath, watching his chest rise and fall. It was truly a magnificent sight, really. He blinked lengthily and smiled at the effect it had. All was right in the world. He was hot, Imhotep was gone and Deana, Ardeth's one of many true loves, cared about him more than life itself. Life was good. But suddenly his sweet bliss was intruded upon by a taller Med-Jai, who came before Ardeth and bowed. "Pittbull," he sighed as he stretched. There came that scream again. Ardeth pouted.
Pittbull bowed his head and held a paper forward. "Lady Deana bid me give this you, oh Stealer-Of-The-Credit-For-Killing-He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named." Sitting up straight, Ardeth looked from side to side and hissed, "Shush! How is my lady, Pitty?" He grinned at Pittbull's face. The Med-Jai absolutely despised being called 'Pitty'. Pitty went absolutely livid with rage and Ardeth could barely contain his smile.
"Your lady," Pittbull started through gritted teeth, "is gone!" The usually quiet Med-Jai pointed and laughed. "GONE! Guess who isn't the hottest bee in the hive! HA!"
Ardeth rolled his eyes and wiggled his foot, opening the letter to read the words of one of the women who held his heart. Suddenly it all came wooshing over him. The laughter, the tickles.the stories she wrote about him. Ardeth crumpled the note, hurled it across the room and threw himself off his throne in anguish, screaming, "Nooooooooo! God, nooooooooo!"
Pittbull laughed, then snickered, then stopped and scratched his head. Upon the desert sands did Ardeth Bay writhe in pain, his robe twisting in knots and flying up over his back to expose a well-rounded hind end. Pitty shuddered and looked away. "My.esophagus.is.closing," Ardeth squeaked, clutching madly at his throat. "Can't move. Can't breathe. Dying. Think I have.heart failure. Kidney!!!!" He groaned and grabbed at his shoulder. "HEALER!"
Pitty, now thoroughly composed, let Ardeth roll around the floor for a few moments more, then could take the pressure no longer. "You always do this," he chided, picking his fellow brother warrior up off the ground and dusting him off. "I think you let all them girls' stories go to your head, man! For the love of life pull yourself together! It was funny the first time, but not now."
"I do look pretty, laying there in a heap. All the girls love it." Ardeth sighed and looked around. "Where'd I stick my knife?"
With a disgusted tone, Pitty answered, "The prop closet, Ardeth and it's called a scimitar. Please at least try to look like a king. You've been laying around sucking up all the attention too long. No wonder Deana left for you that other."
"Welllll," Ardeth hissed, jerking up his pants and blowing a raspberry. "Why don't you just cut me open and pour salt inside my wounds?" He stopped and with bright, wide brown eyes, smiled. "I bet the girls would love that."
Pittbull slit his eyes at his king and crossed his massive arms, watching Ardeth turn back to the mirror to admire how he looked in pants and an opened robe. "It's not as if you don't have other wives," he commented dryly.
Ardeth crooked a finger, shook it thoughtfully and shoved a stick of gum into his mouth. "Which reminds me, have the killings stopped?"
"Unfortunately for them, no they have not," the servant answered in a sad, sad tone. The wives of Ardeth Bay were having a little war of their own at the moment, which was disturbing the entire tribe with the sheer ferocity in which these women displayed their jealousy over Ardeth's time. "Last night in fact Lady Mommints very narrowly escaped a cruel fate delivered by Lady Montana. It seems the poor woman was to become a victim of bad fashion, having had all her Med-Jai robes replaced with purple spandex." Pitty shivered at the sudden twinkle in Ardeth's eyes.
The young king rubbed his hands together and smiled. "I'll have to punish them, you know. I can't let this go unpunished." He winked hugely.
Pittbull repressed a sigh and humored Ardeth. "Yes, I can just imagine their terror, Sire." His king absolutely adored being called 'Sire', for it brought to mind a stunning fabrication of his astounding virility. Pitty snickered and Ardeth cocked a dark eyebrow.
The king looked far away, his dark eyes lost and hurt, those dark lashes finding rest upon the golden oasis of proud tattooed cheeks. His chest expanded ever so slightly as his lungs granted entrance to the unworthy air, then fell with his sweet, soft sigh. His delicately shampooed hair sang in cascades across a well-formed shoulder. "Pittbull," he began sorrowfully, then turned those devastating eyes upon his servant. The effects of that look were not lost upon even him and Pitty winced at the tears. "I miss Horus."
Hands raced to Pitty's face and wracking sobs tore through his body. That one statement could level a building with the sheer heartbreak it conveyed. Even cold-hearted Pittbull Lafevre could not control himself in the shadow of that secret agony his king kept hidden away like a deadly secret. He straightened and looked up and said, "We all do." Ardeth turned away again and Pitty, tight-lipped, murmured, "Retard."
Suddenly Ardeth whipped around, startling Pitty-who had gotten away with such utterances before. The muscular Med-Jai king glared hotly and pointed his servant right in the chest. "What?"
"Retards," Pitty supplied coolly. "I called your wives retards. They should be helping you forget the bird."
"OH GOD!" Ardeth wailed, dropping to his knees and looking lost. "HORUS! My poor." He paused and looked up. "Horus was a bird? Why would I need a bird for? They're scary." The king pulled himself together and got up shakily. "My wives. I must see my wives before I leave."
*
Frank wiggled his nose and looked at the fly that was buzzing around him. A low rumbling came from his remarkably toned chest. He looked quite the sight, sitting there in a pair of bell bottomed white pants, opened shirt with upturned collar and white blazer with a huge red F emblazoned on the back of it. Deana took cover when he pulled his gun out and aimed at the small insect. "If you do not leave me alone I am going to destroy your LIFE!" he growled, then pulled the trigger.
Deana tried her best to ignore the groan from behind her and even more so the crashing of garbage cans. Perhaps outdoor café's weren't the best place to bring Frank. "Honey," she said softly, lowering his arm and smiling. "You don't have to shoot the bugs."
He looked at her through emotionless, stoic eyes and cracked his neck. "Nonsense, woman. It's my job, nay my sworn duty to uphold justice, peace and sanity!" He hunched his shoulders and peered around cautiously.
Scooting a little further away, Deana tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded, not quite sure about that last one. But whatever made him happy. "That's nice, dear," she said, watching him smooth his hair back. Whatever he did, gel, water, spray, it always bounced back into a spikey position.
Quite suddenly she was stunned by a chuckle from his amazing lips. Frank pet her arm and said, "Lookit this." In a horrendous display did the corners of his mouth begin sinking into his face as he sucked and held it. He wiggled his fish lips and eyebrows and she giggled. "That's what I do to the all the criminals," he reported with a confident and serious nod. "It scares them."
Covering her lips to hide her continued laughter, Deana tried to not look at him as he did it again and he frowned. "Sorry," she whispered.
"They pay me big bucks to do that face," he assured her. He was so handsome, unlike Ardeth. They were totally on opposite ends of the poles, Deana decided. Ardeth was disturbing, Frank was a babe.
Deana peered at her new husband and giggled as he made the fishface at her menacingly.
*
Skirts fluttered, girlish laughter could be heard and Ardeth's wives stood in their large shared tent, giving their husband the evil eye as he giggled. He was quite thoroughly excitable when seeing them en masse like this. The femininity in the room could choke a horse, not to mention the softness his wives exuded. He stopped and giggled gently, blushing and greeting, "Lady Lula." She shook her head smartly at being the first wife that snagged his attention.
"Whatta ya know!?" she yelled, slapping his behind hotly, causing their husband to squeal and giggle harder. From across the way Lady Karri made a stabbing motion with an evil glint in her eye.
Ardeth continued on down the line and smiled softly at the next wife. "I wish I could stay and get a thigh massage, Lady Marcher. I know how well you like doing it." He made a show of looking devastated and leaned close for a kiss, but was stopped by a dagger whizzing between them. Lady Marcher slit her eyes and made a gun with her fingers, pretending to shoot at Lady Mommints with an ominous, "Pccccuoooooow!" sound. Ardeth tsk'd her and beeped her nose, winning a sticking out of the tongue.
"Lady Marxbros," Ardeth continued at the slightly peevish Med-Jai princess. He sighed and nodded knowingly. "Okay, okay. I'll return you to Jonathan." He batted his eyelashes pleadingly and she kicked him in the hip.
"Oooooooh," Ardeth groaned loudly, falling and looking up with light shining in his eyes. "Do it again!"
Lady Marxbros turned away with a chillingly unfeeling expression.
"I'll do it!" a voice cried and Ardeth curled into a ball for fear of his life. Quite suddenly his behind was viciously assaulted by rapidly delivered foot. "HA!" Filing her nails, Lady Hadassaknamu-who too recently went by the name of Lady Cacina until Ardeth started calling her Lady Cappuccino by mistake, after all, he is king and has a lot on his mind-shook her head and smirked. "Nice, Lady Montana. Real nice. He's laying there dying and you kick him."
Lady Montana opened her ruby lips to speak a revile, but was cut short by a louder voice calling from the back of the tent. "Ardeth!" she boomed and the ladies scowled. "Get off the floor, you freak."
Ardeth pulled himself laboriously from the floor and straightened his now hanging open robe, which had mysteriously been torn open in the fall. He edged it even further open and smiled, but the act was useless as his wife came and ripped it off the rest of the way. "Lady Ruse," he greeted, cupping his hands shyly over his naked chest. She smiled lasciviously and leered. He shook his head and looked around him at the countless women that adored him in their own fashion.
He had to get a hold of himself. They were just women. Nothing to fear. He cleared his throat and looked around again. "I've come to tell you two things, my wives whom I love very, very dearly in equal amounts." He coughed at their uneasy silence and winced when one lady ruffled her arms and cooed.
They closed in a little bit nearer and he swallowed. "Er, yes. Well, one, I want you to stop killing each other."
There was assorted laughter and comments after that proclamation and he smiled sheepishly. "Just kidding." They laughed and looked at him fondly- Lady Karri even awarded his head with a pat. He took a breath and they quieted again, eerily as he said, "And the second thing is I'm going to hunt Lady Deana."
Ardeth blinked as they gaped and stared with conniving expressions. It all started with Lady Lula hissing, "You suck!" and went badly from there on in as the women circled around him and began yanking on his clothes with angry expressions.
"No!" he cried, remembering the many stories some of them told about his demise and torment. A hand found his now stripped thigh and he giggled despite the impending doom. "Remember my virtue! I must keep my virtue!"
Instantly all hands came off and he was treated to frosty stares. He yanked himself into a standing position and pulled his pants back up, zipping them with emphasis and giving them stern looks. "Oh look, he's mad," Lady Marcher whispered smartly and Ardeth sighed defeatedly.
"Won't you ladies please take me seriously for once?" he asked them in disappointed tones. The ladies whispered amongst themselves and he brightened, wondering if they would agree to such a ridiculous request.
He was answered quite plainly when his missing thong slapped him in the face. Ardeth crossed his arms and pouted.
*
Unfortunately..this is where it ends so far. :O