>But only when it suits them...
By: T.B. Stormshot... yes... I'm back...
Disclaimer: ... ... ... What? WHAT?! I'll give you my lousy excuses after the chap, but for now, I DON'T OWN DBZ! But I bet none of you do either so HAH!
Mz. Icy was a mix of complete terror and all-consuming rage. A flying mix of complete terror and all-consuming rage. A completely OUT-OF-CONTROL, flying mix of complete terror and rage. Mz. Icy hated flying. She really did. She also really hated Frieza. And, as a new addition to her black-list, she now felt complete and utter hatred for Cell. And technically speaking, Cell was her step-son. Which was a really scary thought. Luckily though, that would be completely void once she was officially divorced. And she would be soon... if she could get back on the ground.
Speaking of the ground...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AHH! AHH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mz. Icy screeched as she spun erratically through the air. She tried in vain to gain control of her pattern but it was all in vain as the tiny, somewhat more rational part of her mind kept trying to tell her. The somewhat larger, somewhat less rational part of her mind told it to shut the hell up as she kept trying to gain control anyway. Suddenly, Mz. Icy jolted into a mid-air stop. Mz. Icy blinked, and looked around. Up. Side to side. Down. Bad idea to look down Mz. Icy immediately learned. She was at least a quarter of a mile up. Very bad idea to look down. Mz. Icy then growled. "I'm going to KILL them. I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!" she managed to say, right before the scrambled pattern of her ki kicked in and sent her flying sideways.
Meanwhile... down on the very safe ground...
"So... what now?" Burter asked Jeice as they floated over a large, bloody-red river (bloody in the literal sense and not as just one of those weird British slang terms). They had just spent the last 5 minutes speeding away from the nursery, the not-so-innocent Cell Juniors, and the poor and unfortunate Guldo. The fate which Guldo was doomed to being of course, there own fault. Not that they actually cared of course. As far as they were concerned, Guldo was simply an over-eyeballed weakling who's only real powers were minor dabbling in telekinesis and the ability to stop time-and not very well at that. Rumor had it that Guldo was actually a distant relative of Captain Ginyu's related not by blood, but by some unfortunate marriage in the past and Captain Ginyu had only allowed him on the team to pay off some favor. Though it was only an unconfirmed rumor, it was true that most rumors and stories started out with some vestige of truth.
"I don't know," Jeice shrugged. Ditching Guldo had been as far as he had gotten in his plan. "What do you want to do?" he asked.
"Well... I don't know," Burter blinked.
"Weren't you hungry or something like that?" Jeice asked, cocking his red-orange head to one side and brushing his lush white hair back with a swipe of his finely-manicured hand. On cue, Burter's stomach growled viciously.
"Oh yeah. Yeah I am now that you mentioned it. Let's go find that taco stand!" Burter said with a nod, rubbing his blue bulbous neck with a not so well-manicured hand. He then prepared to blast off into the wild blue yonder. However, before he could, Jeice stopped him with one of those well-manicured hands on his shoulder.
"Just one thing," Jeice said.
"What?" Burter asked in annoyance.
"I hate tacos."
"You know what? You're an idiot," Burter told Jeice very calmly before taking off. Jeice followed.
Mz. Icy landed. Actually, to be technical, she crashed harshly into a one-story building with a clay-shingled roof. She then proceeded to go through the roof and into the building, which proved to be some sort of restaurant or cafe of some kind.
Mz. Icy struggled to get up from the pile of dust and broken shingles, while the roof and a low-legged table combined had softened her fall, she had not come out unscathed and had suffered quite a few bumps to the head and possibly a minor concussion. As Mz. Icy struggled to her feet, dizzily stumbling a few steps forward, she looked around instinctively at her surroundings. Yes, it was a restaurant or cafe of some kind. It sported several short-legged tables like the one she had fallen on, the type you kneel at, and a bar table with several tall chairs which contrasted sharply with the low tables. Even in her half-unconscious state she betted nobody kneeled at the tables in favor of the taller chairs. The restaurant or cafe had some sort of tropical, jungle theme supported by bamboo covered walls and tropical flowers, which was an interesting choice considering this WAS H.E.L.L. and all. (In H.E.L.L. it's rare to see a themed restaurant, or even a clean restaurant for that matter) Also, seemingly to complete the look, some sort of tropical bird was sitting on a perch near the bar table.
As if sensing Mz. Icy's notice of it, the bird squawked once and spoke a memorized phrase. "Welcome to Zarbon's Cafe and Herbal Remedies. Enjoy your stay at the best tea shop in H.E.L.L.!" Mz. Icy groaned.
On cue, a familiar green-haired entity came in from a back room.
"Oh my Kam-Princess Icy!" said the shocked alien.
Mz. Icy groaned again and stumbled to one side as she fought for consciousness. "Zarbon... you realize this is the only coffee shop in H.E.L.L... right?" Mz. Icy said weakly.
Zarbon shrugged lightly. "Well then it really is the best, isn't it? And we don't sell coffee here, it has too much caffeine and it rots your teeth."
Mz. Icy groaned for the third time and stumbled forward to slump against the bar table by Zarbon. She looked upwards. "I could kill you right now..."
"I'm sure you could. How about after you go lie down on that couch over there and rest for a minute or two?"
Mz. Icy blinked blurredly and seemed to lose concentration for a moment before nodding her head painfully. "Yeah, okay," she said before blacking out and slumping off the bar table.
Meanwhile...
A reasonably long way a ways from Mz. Icy, Frieza, Cell, the others, and their crazy antics... in a dark, secret place where very few people ever go and the red fern never grows...
"S-Sir! We have reports of Princess Icy's whereabouts!" said a small nervous demon as he crept into the undisclosed location the author was describing. This particular demon was actually part of a governmental policing program in H.E.L.L. in which he was merely an assistant to the assistant. Naturally, this job did not pay much, however, the information he handled every day, once in a while held quite a bit of importance to certain other people... people who were not of governmental origins. These certain people would sometimes pay large amounts of money for these detailed tidbits-and if this particular demon needed to pay the bills somehow, who could fault him?
A shadowy figure swirled around at once in hearing these words, words he had hoped to hear for a very long time... "Really? Where is she? Why'd it take so long to find her?"
"Yes, yes! We've found her! And I've already explained to you why it sometimes takes a while to find these pension cases, the information is always kept under lock and key because of security issues. However, some NEW reports have circled in since then that hint where she might be-"
"I don't care about any of that! Just tell me where she is!" the shadowy figure roared angrily. A wave of hot energy rolled off the figure and blasted towards the lowly demon, who yelped at the sudden pain and leaped backwards to avoid anymore.
"Okay! Okay! She was reported to be abandoning her job to go see Lord Enma for some reason-the reason hasn't been disclosed yet. A demon had been keeping check on a group of recently released villains when he spotted the infraction and-" the small demon begin to explain.
"Don't give me the minor details, just the facts, man! I want you to tell me exactly where she was spotted and when. If she's going to Lord Enma's that will give me some direction just as long as I know where she is..." the shadowy figure spat angrily, eyes narrowing in hatred and unknown contempt for the female ice-jin. The demon nodded and begin to explain. The shadowy figure couldn't help but split a menacing grin when thinking of how close he was to finding that wretched Princess Icy. Soon, Princess Icy, the figure thought, Soon it won't be just a dream. It will be reality, and I will finally have you in my claws...
"Here Princess Icy, drink this," Zarbon said as he handed the half-conscious Mz. Icy a teacup of a dark green liquid. Mz. Icy looked suspiciously at it.
"You know Zarbon, you can only kill someone once, ...or supposedly, that Pikkon issue brings up some.." Mz. Icy drifted off as she slumped weakly against the large comfortable couch done in light brown whicker and green cushions.
"What are you talking about? It's just tea, it's an aspecially unique blend and it will help you feel better if you give it a chance," Zarbon frowned.
"Ehhhh..." Mz. Icy simply groaned before taking the cup. "Well, I guess you can't poison me again now that I'm already dead and all..." She sipped the tea suspiciously. She then blinked and sat up. "Some tea!" She looked down at herself and rubbed her head to feel for any bumps. "There's not a scratch on me, the TEA did that? Wow."
"You like it then?" Zarbon asked eagerly
"No, it tastes like crap. Poisonous crap. But stuff that's good for you tends to be that way. Unless it really is poisonous crap I suppose..." Mz. Icy mused over this point before blinking and looking back at Zarbon. "So what is it?"
Zarbon frowned at Mz. Icy's description of tea, but shrugged it off almost instantly. Mz. Icy was only being perfectly honest and anyway, the tea was meant to heal people, not to be a tasty treat. "I made the recipe myself. It's called Senzu Special Spirit Sensation. You know, great for the soul and all."
"... That's weird," Mz. Icy said after a moment's pause. She then paused again. "... And now, since I can't kill you, I'm going to hurt you very badly. And then, once I stuff some of this Senzu Special whatever down your throat, I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN."
"Uh, can I ask why?" Zarbon asked with a frown.
"Well DUH! Hello? H.E.L.L. to ZARBON! YOU POISONED ME WITH YOUR STUPID TEA AND MURDERED ME!" Mz. Icy screeched angrily. "WHY ELSE WOULD I BE PISSED OFF WITH YOU?!"
Zarbon took a step back at the biting remark and proceeded to look offended. "I did not! Why would I do anything like that?!"
"Uh, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BECAUSE THAT BASTARD FRIEZA TOLD YOU TO CONSIDERING YOU WERE HIS RIGHT-HAND MAN???! HONESTLY Zarbon! I thought of all the people in that whole damned fortress you were the one I could trust! I thought we FRIENDS! I THOUGHT WE UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER FOR KAMI'S SAKE!" And for once in her lifetime, shocking audiences and readers everywhere, giving avid Drinking Gamer's an entire chug of their preferred drink... Mz. Icy looked very hurt by Zarbon's betrayal.
"But I DIDN'T!! HONESTLY! I really didn't! Of course we were friends! And we really did understand each other! I mean, who else would I have to talk to if I really did murder you? I mean, Master Frieza never got it, and I spent most of my time trying to avoid Dodoria..." Zarbon gave a mild shudder at his own mentioning of the pink blob with the eternal case of acne. "Really! I should be the one angry with you! How can you even SUSPECT me??! I thought we were friends!"
Mz. Icy blinked and thought about this for a moment, biting her lip slightly. "Well... I just... I guess I just thought who else could have access to the tea in order to poison it. I mean, how many people could possibly-"
"More than you think," Zarbon interrupted with a snort. "If a servant who brings your tea to you has access to it, how hard could it possibly be for anyone of REAL status to get access to it? Honestly. How many years have gone by without figuring THAT out for yourself?" Mz. Icy shrugged.
"I guess that's a valid point towards your innocence. Okay, I'm sorry Zarbon, for feeling seething hatred for you all these years. I guess through my own blind craving for vengeance and blood, I never stopped to think that it could have been anyone else but you. I'm sorry Zarbon, can you... can you ever forgive me?" Mz. Icy asked hopefully as she stood up to get a better look up at the tall Zarbon.
Zarbon looked at Mz. Icy angrily for another moment before his expression softened and a forgiving look took its place. He bent down so that he could actually stare into Mz. Icy's light violet eyes with his own piercing blue ones. "Of... of course I can Princess Icy. After all, how can I hate someone that I've grown to love?"
In that moment both of them lost the sharper edge they used with the rest of the world and embraced for a long moment. They had not seen each other for years, but the feelings they had for each other had never really wavered, even when Mz. Icy had thought Zarbon had murdered her. The feelings had only been put away in a deep and dark place inside Mz. Icy, one so that she could go on hating Zarbon even when she really didn't. A place so that she didn't feel so betrayed, so that she couldn't feel the pain encompassing such a great betrayal from a loved one. But once that feeling of betrayal was eradicated, the feelings came rushing back. They still loved each other. Mz. Icy still loved him.
"You know Zarbon. We would make a really great couple, you and me. You know, if you weren't gay and all," Mz. Icy sniffed as they finally let go of each other.
Yeah, Mz. Icy still loved him. In a sisterly way.
Guldo hesitated before entering the nursery, wondering if maybe he really wasn't brave enough to distract the Cell Juniors. After all, even if what they said about him being a fat, green, over-eyeballed weakling was hurtful, it didn't mean it wasn't true. Guldo then blinked and shook his head to rid himself of his fear. "C'mon Guldo," he muttered to himself, "You're part of the all-powerful Ginyu Force! The Ginyu Force isn't ALLOWED to think negatively." With that thought in mind, he stepped into the nursery.
And immediately sunk 3 feet into the piles of broken toys in various stages of decay.
"So after you died, you decided to settle down and open up a cafe?" Mz. Icy asked as she settled back in a tall-legged chair with a cup of tea.
"Well, not right away, and it was a bit harder than how you put it, but basically... yes," Zarbon shrugged. He pushed back his lush green hair as he crossed his legs on the tall-backed chair he was sitting in.
"Huh," Mz. Icy replied.
"But what are you doing here? I always assumed that you would make it up to Heaven, you didn't seem like a bad person to me," Zarbon commented as he sipped his tea, he looked up from him expectantly.
Mz. Icy snorted. "Zarbon, considering you were evil enough to enslave entire planets and so on, I would think your evil barometer would be a tad... distorted. You thought that child abusers and rapists were wusses."
"I DID NOT!" Zarbon snapped angrily. "I said that child abusers and rapists were just sad, sad people with very little self-esteem or respect. I then said that they only did what they did to make themselves feel big and the only reason they do it over and over again was because it didn't work!"
"Yeah, you said they were wusses," Mz. Icy grinned.
"Now that is just-"
Just then, the rest of the roof collapsed on top of them.
"Yeah, she's in here alright," Cell snorted as he floated down into the cafe. He took one glance around the room and snorted. "A cafe? In H.E.L.L.?"
"*cough* Welcome to Zarbon's Cafe and Herbal Remedies. *coughcough* Enjoy your stay *cough* at the best tea shop in H.E.L.L.! *hackhacksnort*" the parrot in the corner croaked as it coughed in the dust cloud the collapsed ceiling had created.
"You know. What is it with your grudge with DOORS?!!" Mz. Icy screeched as she climbed out of the collapsed tile for the third time that day.
"Shut up," Cell simply replied.
"Both of you shut up. We don't have time for this, we have to get that cloud!" Frieza said angrily as he floated inside the cafe. "I've had enough insane ramble to last me... ... ... Zarbon?!"
"Master Frieza, long time, no see," Zarbon coughed as he climbed out of the rubble.
"Where have you been?" Frieza snapped. "As my second-in-command I EXPECTED you to be there when I died!" Frieza yelled angrily, totally forgetting about Mz. Icy, their mission, the tattle-tale of a cloud, his freak son, his even freakier grandson, and pretty much everything that has to do with this story.
"Well sir, to be honest I really didn't expect you to die so soon," Zarbon coughed. Frieza opened his mouth, but really couldn't find anything smart to say back at that comment.
"Well, uh... well even so, you should have at least heard that I was dead at SOME POINT. Why didn't you come looking for me?" Frieza asked in annoyance.
Zarbon shrugged and looked uncomfortable. "Well, I, I uh... found someone..." he replied nervously. Mz. Icy gasped.
"No! Really? You found someone? Wow! What great news! Are you married, or dating, or what? I can't believe you didn't tell me!" she began to chatter excitedly with her old pal.
Zarbon grinned. "Dating right now, but you know, could be... and I would have told you really! I just couldn't FIND you-"
"Eh, don't worry about it. It's not your fault, I'm just under probation-the government of H.E.L.L. keeps those kinds of files under lock and key," Mz. Icy said with a shrug.
"Really? Well what did you do?" Zarbon asked in surprise.
"Well, let's just say I had trouble coming back from the dead to exact my revenge on a certain ice-jin who looks as though he hasn't hit puberty yet, okay?" Mz. Icy coughed.
"Oh please, like you could even TOUCH me," Frieza snorted.
"Oh like you would WANT me to you short little GAY-"
"Hey!" Zarbon said in a hurt voice. Mz. Icy blinked and looked up at him.
"Nothing personal Zarbon. He just hates it," she said with a shrug.
"Nothing... personal?" Frieza asked with a raise of his nonexistant eyebrow.
Mz. Icy blinked, and then it dawned on her. "Aw, it's nothing to worry about Frie-"
"-No, really. Nothing personal? What that supposed to IMPLY Zarbon?" Frieza asked suspiciously as he stared intensely at his second-in-command.
"Well, I... uh..." Zarbon stammered.
Suddenly the door slammed.
"Zarbon honey, I'm home. The super market was out of soy milk but I picked up this soy bean milk substitute-I don't know how it is, but we can try it-KAMI! What happened in here?!" shout a young blond-haired, human man as he came through the entry way with his arms full of groceries. He promptly dropped them at the sight of the mess inside the room. "And who are these people? You didn't say we were going to have company!"
"Um, well, you could just say they dropped in for a surprise visit," Zarbon giggled nervously.
Frieza's eyes lit up at that instant as he realized what Mz. Icy had been implying. "Oh Kami... it all makes sense now..." he said in a low, fairly shocked voice.
"So, is this who I think he is?" Mz. Icy asked with a grin.
"Um, yes. Um, Everybody, this is Blue-" Zarbon began.
"KAMI! It all makes sense now!" Frieza repeated, his shock beginning to be replaced by outrage.
"Blue... this is, um, Everybody," Zarbon ended nervously. Frieza's reaction was not settling.
"DAMN IT! NO WONDER EVERYBODY THOUGHT I WAS GAY!!", Frieza shrieked, much like a little girl, but not quite as innocent.
"Um, sire! L-lord Frieza! Please!" Zarbon replied shrilly.
"ZARBON! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT I'M STRAIGHT-"
"I know sire, but-"
"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GAY?! DID EVERYBODY KNOW?! DID EVERYBODY?! KAMI!" Frieza turned to Mz. Icy. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ICY??! DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!"
Mz. Icy blinked, slightly taken aback. But then she shrugged. "Well, I had my suspicions about five minutes in after I met him... and then after about a week we became good buds and he told me."
Frieza stared with a gaping, trembling mouth. "You-you mean you've KNOWN the WHOLE TIME?? But-But I've know Zarbon my entire LIFE!"
"Well... geez... it was kind of obvious... I mean, GEEZ FRIEZA! He was wearing JEWLERY!" Mz. Icy replied, slightly exasperated.
"And those pink leg warmers," Cell added. Up till then he had kept silent, knowing his own intrusion would only lengthen the fight, however, he couldn't help but bring up this most valid point.
"B-but you just MET him!" Frieza said with a whimper. "How could YOU have known??"
Cell shrugged and crossed his arms. "Like the female ice-jin said, it was kind of obvious."
"Oh... oh Kami..." Frieza whimpered as he sat, or more aptly fell down on the bamboo couch, which had luckily survived most of the roof damage.
"Master Frieza, perhaps you should rest for a few hours, I have a fut-"
"You keep away from me you deceiving HOME WRECKER!!" Frieza yelled angrily, pushing Zarbon away.
"...home wrecker..." Ms. Icy echoed mildly.
Frieza jumped up from the couch, full of rage and fury and stomped to the door. "I'm waiting outside! We need to find that cloud now and we don't have time to deal with THIS," he said angrily without looking back. He opened the door, stomped outside, and slammed the door so hard it disintegrated into a pile of ash. However, everyone ignored this as it wasn't exactly a rare occurrence. The replaceable door business was a booming cash cow down in H.E.L.L.
"Oh kami... I was hoping he would take it a little better," Zarbon sighed unhappily as he scratched the back of his neck.
"Don't worry Zarbon. He'll get used to the fact that you're gay as soon as he gets used to the fact that he's an idiot," Mz. Icy comforted as she patted him on the shoulder.
"I think you're all idiots, but Frieza has a point. We can not waste time with this... um, STUFF. I'm going outside, I sent Nucleus up ahead to see if he could catch up with that spirit but I don't think he'll be able to calm it all by himself... or even bribe it all by himself. Hurry up," Cell said as he walked through the empty doorway. Mz. Icy shrugged and turned back to Zarbon and his boyfriend, Blue.
"So, Blue, right?" Mz. Icy asked.
"Yes. I take it you're Mz. Icy?" Blue asked back.
"Yup. You're a lucky guy, Blue. Zarbon's a good guy. Blew up a few too many planets, exterminated more than one too many races of people, sang really really badly... but a good guy all the same," Mz. Icy said with a grin.
"I don't sing that badly..." Zarbon muttered under his breath.
"And don't worry about Frieza. He's just in shock. Eventually he'll get over it. And look at it this way, since you're already dead-he can't kill you!" Mz. Icy laughed hysterically while Blue chuckled nervously.
"So... um, he's a prince you say?" Blue asked as he cocked his blond-haired head to the side.
"Yeah, he's the Prince of all Ice-jin, Lord of worlds, Captain of the ice-jin military... jazz like that. It's mostly just titles. They don't mean too much," Mz. Icy shrugged.
"Not all titles!" Zarbon snapped in annoyance. Despite being Mz. Icy's friend and his current stance with Frieza himself-he was still loyal to his lord Frieza.
"Mostly titles," Mz. Icy shrugged.
"A captain you say?" Blue repeated, his face visibly brightened. "I used to be a captain on Earth, Captain Blue of the Red-Ribbon Army... of course, we were broken up years ago by that kid Goku..."
Zarbon sighed. "Blue, if there isn't one good deed done in this universe or a bad guy defeated that doesn't have anything to do with Goku... I swear I'll-I'll go straight."
"Now don't keep any promises you don't plan to keep Zarbon," Blue frowned.
Well... Chap 9... it took me what, a week? Geez... and it's almost April... Okay, so I really don't have any big excuses for not updating any of my stories... I just didn't feel like it. Plain and simple. Or maybe it has something to do with losing my best sketch pad on vacation in January... that was terrible... but I recently got a new one and am working on some cool stuff...
Eh...
Happy New Years...
Anyhoo, Zarbon is GAY!!!! HAH!!!! You see, I really don't think Frieza is gay. Really! I don't unlike everybody else! Even despite what I wrote in the Annual Super Villain Convention fic! However... I think Zarbon IS gay. As for Captain Blue... any of you familiar with Dragon Ball (the original) should remember him as that one Red Ribbon guy that chased Goku around in a undersea abandoned pirate base... and stuff. He got killed in a tongue-to-head accident one sad sad day and was sent to H.E.L.L. and there dabbled for a while in politics before realizing the dangers of it, after a while he opened a tea shoppe and there he met Zarbon. The love of his life... *sniffs* It's such a romantic story... But I'm not going to go into detail because I don't want this story to start falling prey to homosexual humor-one chap for it is enough, anything more takes away from the story.
*sighs* Well, at least I know where I'm going now and everything is almost set up. For a while I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to my "mystery man" but as I was writing this and was a bit stumped I thought... "Well shit, why not just put him here? We need some filler for this portion, we need to get him into the story, AND it'll start forming a secondary plot! GENIUS!!!" And that's exactly what I thought too... well maybe not exactly.
So stay tuned for the following chapter! And I'm not going to lie to you-I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT MIGHT BE!!! ... I might just put my Animorph stories on hold to get this done...