Title: 3 Drunks and a Baby
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Kurt, Bubba, Kurt, and Shane O
Author: Casey
A/n: And Shane O Too! Couldn't leave him out of the story!
Our story opens with Kurt, Rocky, and Bubba all sitting in Bubba's living room drinking beer. They are watching the Playboy channel and getting really toasted. Bubba hears a truck pull up in the driveway and walks out to find Shane and T-Boy.
"Hey you two what's going on? T why are you with Shane?"
"Chill Teddy Bear I had him pick me up from work. I figured you were drunk already and which I see you are." T-Boy mused walking past him into the trailer they shared together.
T-Boy walked in the house and said hi to the boys. She wondered if they ever went home. Every morning when she left for work they were sitting there drinking and everyday when she came home they were still sitting there. She swore there was a permanent indention in the couch that said The Peoples Ass from Rock's jogging pants.
"Do you guys ever go home?" T-boy asked putting more beer in the icebox.
"Sometimes but only when Bubba runs out of beer." Kurt said never taking his eyes of the T.V.
"Going to the store to get more beer doesn't count as going home Kurt and since when did you start drinking?"
"Since you ran out of Milk." Kurt said matter of factly.
"That's 4 gallons in two days, Kurt. Where in the hell do you put it all? Where is that damn husband of mine?" T-Boy asked looking out the bay window in her tiny kitchen.
She saw Bubba and Shane shooting cans off the fence with shotguns and just laughed. She stuck her head out the door and told them to come inside.
"Guys I need a huge favor. Becca needs someone to watch the baby while we have a night out."
"The Rock is to drunk to watch a damn kid."
"Yeah but Shane isn't and he owes me a favor anyway. I already told her you would so they will be here in about 10 minutes and turn that damn Playboy shit off! The kid doesn't need to be seeing that!"
All the guys groaned and Rocky walked over and turned the T.V. off. Shane was muttering something about running all his fun when they heard Shawn and Becca pull up. T-Boy walked outside to meet them and help get Trista out of her car seat.
"Damn T I swear the potholes in your road get worse every time we come up here." Shawn said getting out of the truck.
"Yeah I know. You would think The Mayor of Dudleyville would do something about it but all he cares about is money and beer. So Shawn what are you doing tonight?"
"I have some work to get done on the house and I'm not so sure leaving Trista with the guys is such a good idea."
"Oh Shawnie relax. What's the worse that could happen?" Becca mused pausing to see a picture of her baby girl drunk.
"Look Shane hasn't had a drop to drink and is fully capable. He has watched her before." T-Boy said taking the baby from her mom and walking in the trailer with her.
"Its not Shane I'm worried about." Shawn said looking at Rocky doing a headstand in the living room.
"Rocky is harmless as a fly. As long as you show him some attention he doesn't care about anything else. Rest assured Trista will be taking good care off." T-boy said making giggly faces at the baby.
Shawn sighed in defeat and kissed Becca before leaving. T-Boy handed the baby to Shane and they walked out the door. Shane stood frozen holding Trista away from him like she had a diesis.
"The Rock thinks you should hold the kid like this." Rocky then proceeded to grab the baby and cradle her in his arms.
You could barley see her small body in his large copper arms.
"Rocky, maybe you should give her back to Shane. I don't think Becca wanted us watching her." Bubba said trying to get another beer out of the fridge.
"What the hell is wrong with the beer cooler? It wont let me have a beer!" Bubba yelled making the baby start crying.
"Now look what you did, fat boy! You made the baby cry." Kurt said trying to get up but passed out on the couch instead.
"Well the damn ice box is holding my beer!"
"Let me see Jabronie!" Rocky said handing the crying baby to Shane.
"How do I make it stop crying?" Shane asked making a horrible face from the noise.
"The Rock has no idea. Try singing to it. What the hell is wrong with this thing?" Rock asked trying to get a beer out for Bubba.
"I told your black ass it wouldn't let me get a beer!" Bubba said rolling his eyes at his friend.
"The Rock is Samoan, damn it!"
"Your dad is black so that makes you black! Shane do something with that kid!"
Shane started singing Mary Had A Little Lamb and Trista started crying harder. The Rock and Bubba both covered their ears and grimaced at Shane's horrible voice.
"You're scaring the poor thing! Give the baby to The Rock damn it! Can't you Jabronies do anything right?"
Shane happily handed the baby over to The Rock and walked in the kitchen to help Bubba try and get the beer out of the icebox. Trista automatically stopped crying when The Rock took her.
"See she likes The Rock!" His voice boomed through the trailer making Trista start crying again.
"Nice job, ass wipe!" Shane said struggling with a beer while Bubba watched.
Kurt woke up covering his ears from the horrible cry and walked into the kitchen. He pushed Shane out of his way and got a beer from the fridge. He walked back over to the couch with all the guys staring at him.
"What?" Kurt asked popping the top on his Miller Light.
"It wouldn't let us have a beer." Bubba said looking at the icebox as if it had pissed him off.
"Guys it's a freaking icebox for Christ sakes. Just reach in there and get one." Kurt said in a voice reserved for a child.
Bubba and Shane both started for the beer but once again couldn't get one out. The both got pissed and decided to sit back down.
"Maybe her diapers dirty." Shane said pointing at Trista as he sat down in a rocking chair.
"Is that what I am smelling? I thought the dogs killed a coon again." Bubba said looking disgusted.
"The Rock is not doing diaper duty! That's your department Boy Wonder."
"My department? Why is it my department?" Shane asked sounding terrified.
"Well you can't do anything else right so maybe you should change her diaper."
"I'm not wiping anyone's ass. I don't care how helpless they are!" Shane said moving slowly away from the baby.
"Don't look at me. That's why I told T-Boy we aren't having kids yet."
"Bubba, you already have 6 they just all got taking away."
"They did not damn it! They are staying with my mom until my wrestling career starts to take off."
"You are all losers! Give me the kid. I will change its freaking diaper." Kurt said stumbling off the couch and falling over the coffee table.
Kurt managed to get up without breaking anything and situated his self on the floor. He extended his arms out to Rocky and took Trista from him.
"God that's the worse freaking thing I have ever smelled! What do they feed this kid?" Kurt asked wrinkling his nose.
"Here Jabronie." Rock said handing his older friend the wipes and a diaper.
Kurt slowly unbuttoned the bottoms and opened the diaper. Everyone scream I horror as he lifted the baby's legs up.
"OH dear god!" Shane scream running outside for a breath of air.
Everyone else ran in the kitchen trying to get as far away from Trista as they could.
"Guys how do I do this? Oh my god this is horrible." Kurt said picking her up and walking in the kitchen with her.
The guys scattered from the kitchen looking confused at Kurt.
"What the hell are you doing, Chico?"
"I am going to wash her ass off in the sink."
"Not in my sink! Use the water hose outside or something." Bubba said trying to avoid Trista.
"NO Jabronie you don't wash the kid in the sink. That's what The Rock gave you baby wipes for."
"You mean I have to touch that? NO way may I'm out of here." Kurt said trying to hand the baby off.
All the guys put the hands up and made their way outside to join Shane. They heard Kurt starting gagging and yelling in disgust. They all waited about 30 minutes and returned into the trailer to see Trista changed and playing in her playpen.
"Where in the blue hell did that come from?" Rock asked pointing at the playpen Trista was now in.
"It was leaned up against the wall there. It's kind of like cage for a puppy. I like it." Kurt said turning the T.V. on.
"The Rock has to agree with your Olympic bald ass. He likes it too!"
Bubba and Shane both walked back in he kitchen and tried to get some beer from the icebox. It still wasn't letting them have one.
"This sucks! NO beer an we are stuck with a shit monster!" Bubba said flopping down in his recliner.
"Why don't you Jabronies just ask Kurt to get you a beer?"
Bubba and Shane looked at each other and smiled. Kurt got up and walked into the kitchen pulled them both a beer out and sat back down. Once again every stared at him stunned.
"Kurt I'm making you The Beer God." Bubba said smiling happily and sitting back down in his recliner.
"So is it OK to just leave that kid in there?" Shane asked taking a sip of his drink.
"The Rock says yeah. He's seen it on movies before."
"What if she eats something or something?" Shane asked looking cautiously at the baby.
"Look Chico we either leave the kid in its cage or you deal with it."
"In the cage it stays then." Shane said leaning his head back and passing out.
Rock and Bubba watched Trista pull her self up on the side of the playpen and they both smiled at her. Rocky got down from the couch and walked over to her squatting beside the pen.
"That's mean Rocky. You are teasing it." Bubba said shaking his head.
"No The Rock isn't. He's playing with her!"
"If The Rock were playing with her he wouldn't be sticking his tongue out at her and laughing."
"Fine Chico!" Rocky said leaning in to pick Trista up.
"What did you do that for? Put it back!" Bubba retorted.
"She looks hungry!" Shane said waking up.
"How do you know that Shane? You don't have kids." Bubba said hitting him in the back of the head.
"Hey! And besides she has that look in her eye."
"What the look like she wants to suck a tit?" Bubba asked laughing at his self.
"Bubba that's horrible and no I'm just telling you she's hungry."
"Well The Rock aint nursing anything."
"You don't have to nurse her, Rocky you big dumb ass." Shane laughed digging in the diaper bag handing him a bottle.
Rock shook the bottle a little and Kurt ran up and grabbed it sticking it in his mouth.
"What in he blue hell are you doing?"
"MILK!"
"Kurt, that's breast milk and unless you like drinking…
Kurt spit the milk in Shane's face and took off running towards the bathroom.
"Moron!" All the guys yelled in unison causing Trista to cry again.
Rocky quickly stuck the bottle in her mouth and she started eating. Shane smiled proudly as if she were his child.
"Told you she was hungry!"
"Shut it, Jabronie!" Rocky said walking over the couch to sit down with her.
Shane and Bubba sat on the counter in the kitchen talking about Torrie Wilson in Playboy and Kurt's scream of terror could still be heard from the bathroom. About five minutes later Trista started crying again.
"What did you do to it?" Bubba asked covering his ears.
"She ate it all and wants more."
"Well we don't have more!" Shane said searching frantically through the diaper bag.
"Give it some beer."
"Bubba, babies don't drink beer."
"Sure they do. My mom use to give it to Devon and me all the time. She said it helped us sleep."
"It may go to sleep? That's what I'm talking about. Give it some beer Rocky." Shane said quickly agreeing with his friend.
"The Rock doesn't like this idea."
"Just give her some beer. A little bit won't hurt anything." Shane said trying to convince his friend.
Rocky sighed in defeat and handed the bottle to Shane who happily filled the bottle up with 12 OZ of Miller Light.
"Not that much stupid. Just like 2 OZ at the most." Bubba said taking the bottle and chugging it until it read 2.
Bubba handed the bottle back to Rocky and he sighed and gave it to Trista. Trista sucked once and made a horrible face wrinkling her nose.
"She doesn't like it." Rock said watching her reaction.
"Give it a second." Bubba said convincingly.
All the guys waited until she started sucking on the nipple and eventually passed out after about half an OZ. Rock smiled and drank what was left in the bottle. Kurt walked back in the living room and smiled at the sleeping baby.
"Look at that the kid went to sleep."
"I think she passed out." Rocky said swishing the foam in the bottom of the bottle.
"YOU GAVE IT BEER!" Kurt said his eyes popping out of his head.
"HUSH!" Shane said pointing towards the baby. "She went to sleep didn't she that's all that matters!"
The Rock got up and laid the baby down in the playpen. He lay down on the couch and stuck his feet in Kurt's lap and quickly passed out. Kurt slouched over on top of his friend some and too followed his lead by going back to sleep. Bubba leaned his head back and closed his eyes and Shane sat quietly in the rocking chair watching T.V.
T-Boy and Becca returned home to see the guys all passed out and Trista sound a sleep in her playpen. T-Boy smiled at the picture and put her wallet on the table. She opened the icebox door and took the lock off the beer cooler and got a beer. Becca picked up the bottle that was lying in the floor and looked suspiciously at the foam in the bottom. She put the bottle up to her nose and flinched at the familiar smell of alcohol.
"Shane Brandon why does Trista's bottle smell like beer?" Becca asked waking the guys.
"UH, we dared Bubba to drink from a bottle."
"Yeah and he did it too." Rocky added trying to convince Becca.
She looked at T-Boy at smiled. "Well, looks like they did OK."
"I told you had nothing to worry about." She chocked out looking at Bubba. She knew his trick about giving beer to the kids to make them pass out.
Becca grabbed Trista out of he pen and cradled her in her arms. The baby let out a burp followed by the hiccups. The guys all fidgeted nervously.
"Uh looks like the milk didn't stele well." T-Boy said pushing the mother and the baby out the door.
Once they were gone every sighed and started getting drunk again.
~The End~