A.N. – This was written before AtS 4.8 I considered rewriting this to be more like what happened but decided that this is AR to begin with and I just couldn't deal with how cold Cordy was to Connor. This chapter deals with the same theme but a little less heartless.

CHAPTER FIVE

Tangle a girl in the thorn of your heart

And need for her will not depart

Between Us – Tempest

Connor perched on the table in the Hyperion's vast kitchen. He couldn't help himself. He was starving. Shoving in the last of the bologna he was eating directly from the packaging – wondering why it had a red chewy skin that it never did when Fred used to make it for him – Connor paused in his chewing. A sound distracted him from the bad processed meat. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Cordy standing in the doorway.

"I just wanted a little warm milk. It's supposed to make you sleep," she said softly. She wore a figurative shroud around her, an almost visible desire to remain hidden from view.

Connor wrinkled his nose. "Fred used to tell me that. It tastes bad."

Cordy shrugged, resignation settling over her. "Worth a try."

Connor noticed. He could practically feel her unease, like a bad taste in his mouth. Somehow he knew it was directed at him. "Are you okay?"

She smoothed her sleep-rumpled hair, not meeting his eyes. "As good as I could hope for."

"I don't like staying here." Connor hopped off the table and went to take her in his arms. She remained stiff against him. He tried to ignore it or at least understand why she was being cold. "We should go back to my home."

"Connor, you should stay here." She ran a hand over his face, feeling the stubble of his beard. "I am."

"If I'm the reason it's here, I should go." His blue eyes went watery. "Alone."

Cordy did pull him closer at that, her face indescribably sad. She pressed her lips to his cheek. "Stay, Connor, until we know more. If it is after you, we'll never be able to help if we can't find you. And we'll fight this thing no matter what, whether you're with us or not." She let him go and went to pour herself the milk.

As Connor contemplated that, Cordy microwaved her milk. Her nose wrinkled as she tried to drink it.

"He knows you know," Connor said finally. Something told him that Cordy's initiating him into the ways of love was part of the problem, the reason for her distance now and it hurt.

Cordelia's color rivaled that of her glass of milk. "I know."

Connor's eyes widened slightly as he went to her side, fearing he'd find bruises or worse. She took a step back. "Did he…hurt you?"

"He wouldn't do that. He didn't say anything, just that when this was all over, we'd talk." A slight ripple in the milk betrayed her trembling hand. Cordelia had been frightened. She had never known Angel to hurt his friends but she knew he was angry by the way he said 'what you did to my son' and not 'with.' He had objectified Connor and she suspected he felt she had done the same.

Connor couldn't remember such pain ever visiting him and taking up residence deep inside. She regretted what they had done. He could see it in her eyes. Did she still love his father? Why had she done this to him? "You…you're sorry aren't you?"

Cordy saw the tremor of emotion rippling through his too-thin frame. She knew well there was nothing to his body but small, lean muscles, not an ounce of waste anywhere, nothing resembling padding. Holding him had been like holding kindling wood wrapped in rawhide; only it hadn't felt as bad as it sounded. There were wells of hidden potential in his small form. "I didn't say that, Connor."

"You didn't have to. You still love him." Connor scowled. "So why did you do it?"

Cordy took another step backward, seeing the hardness in his blue eyes, like chips of thick ice. This was not a man she wanted as an enemy. She had already known that. Cordelia remembered the hatred in Connor's voice when he called Lorne a filthy demon, how the boy had tried to provoke him. She remembered the insanity in his eyes, the crazed grin as he tried to cut her throat without a second thought when she confessed her demon aspects. She thought she had purged the evil of Quor-toth from him. He seemed to have forgotten she was a demon or he'd never have been with her in the first place but maybe what she had done to him was beginning to wear off. What would it meant for them all if his murderous rage returned? She struggled to find her voice.

"I told you why before we…and I don't still love him, Connor, not in that way. I wouldn't have done that to you or him if I did. The Powers That Be made me live through his time as Angelus and I couldn't deal with it. I don't doubt they did it for a reason. Maybe it was their way of saying Angel and I were horribly wrong together." She paused, burying her face in her hands, swallowing hard. She dropped her hands, staring into Connor's intent face. "Maybe he was too close to losing his soul over me. He couldn't concentrate on what needed doing, thinking about me, worrying. Sometimes love can't be all there is to it, no matter how much it hurts to give it up."

"And now he has me to worry about," Connor said. "I should leave here."

"We just went over this, Connor." She caught him, seizing his slim shoulders. "You can't go. We need you here."

"It's just…no one wants me here." Tears boiled up in his eyes. Cordy cried for him. How alone must he feel? "Fred and Gunn don't trust me. Wesley doesn't know me and Angel…"

"Is your father and he loves you no matter what." She hugged him tightly. "We're all uncomfortable and scared and if you go it'll be worse. Please stay."

"For now," he grumbled, resting his cheek against her.

Cordy held him for a moment then let him go. She knew she was only confusing him, sending mixed messages and that it was wrong of her to do it. She just couldn't help herself. "And I think for now we need time apart. This is not the time for…relationships."

"Yes, I know." He sounded calm but the look in his eyes, betrayal and pain so deep there was no end to it, frightened her. "I make you uncomfortable, too."

Cordy buried her hands in his hair and pulled him close again. She kissed him gently. "Please don't think that. It's just…complicated. I thought last night was our last ever."

He gulped, struggling for control when all he wanted to do was bleed out. "Is that the only reason you-"

"No!" she interrupted him. "Connor, baby, I wish I could make you understand. It's just we don't have time for this right now. It's going to be all we can do to survive. When it's over we'll deal with this. We'll talk about us later."

"You say a lot…and nothing at all," he said, the bologna he ate weighed like lead in his belly. This time he was the one to pull away.

"Connor, please."

"Talk later, remember? Here's your space."


He tried to brush past her but she caught his arm. "Where are you going?"

"Somewhere to think up other words for pity," he snarled. "That'll help explain last night."

He yanked free and retreated to his newly selected room. He tried not to think about her. It hurt too much. No one had warned him about this. Oh, Father had told him often about the seductiveness of women and how love could cut but it hadn't sunk in. He needed more of a warning or maybe just experience. Well, he had that now.

Connor looked at his bed, hating it. He had never quite gotten used to sleeping open and exposed. Now with that thing lurking outside and memories of Cordelia stalking his mind, he didn't want to sleep on the bed. He liked the soft comfort it provided but the exposure worried him. Connor gathered up the bedding and took it into the closet. He stretched out painfully, his ribs twinging, and tried to find sleep inside of his makeshift cave.