CHAPTER EIGHT

You sucked me in

And played my mind

Just like a toy

You would crank and wind

Baby I would give till you

Wore it out

You left me lyin' in a pool of doubt

Life Goes On – LeAnn Rimes

Connor had slept late the day after meeting Faith, shocked that no one had awoken him for a planning session or something. Going downstairs, he saw Fred and Wesley almost touching noses over a huge book in his office. Gunn was nowhere to be seen but Connor could just imagine the sniping if Gunn could see Fred now. And they said he was the child. He figured Angel was still asleep. Faith and Cordy were nowhere to be seen and he was thankful. He wanted nothing between him and the kitchen. His belly was threatening to eat itself.

Connor hurried in, hoping to find something to eat. Buying supplies wasn't high on the list just now. Faith was there, crouched down examining the lower refrigerator shelf. She looked over her shoulder at him and smiled.

"Good morning…afternoon…whatever." She shrugged.

He smiled back, opening a cupboard. He grabbed down a box of moon pies and started munching.

"That's not breakfast." Faith straightened up, gesturing at the stove. "Can you use this thing?"

Connor frowned. "I can cook meat on a spit over a fire…I'm not sure how this thing even turns on."

"Some help you are." Faith grinned at him.

"Like you're doing any better," he said, polishing off one moon pie and starting another.

"Good point." Faith made a face. "I think I can scramble eggs."

"Okay." He paused in devouring the snack cake and asked, "Can I help?"

"Find a pan and a wood spoon," Faith said, turning back to the refrigerator.


Connor scrounged up the utensils. Faith put the eggs and some cheese on the counter.

"I think the cheese will help and maybe some pepper," Faith murmured, her mind back on the days of her childhood desperately trying to impress her alcoholic mother by making breakfast. "Get me down a bowl to scramble these in."

Connor obeyed. Faith's fingers brushed his as she took the bowl. He looked down at her hand then up into her eyes. She smiled uneasily then both of them looked toward the kitchen door hearing someone pass. It was just Gunn heading somewhere.

"Connor, I'm sorry about last night," Faith said softly.

Connor stiffened. Why did women have this reaction? Sleep with him then get all sorry. What was wrong with him? "Why?" he grated out.

"Because I got you in dutch with Angel."

The tension ran out of his slender body. "Oh."

"I'm not sorry about what we did, if that's what you thought," Faith added quickly, reading his body language.

"I kinda did," he admitted, his face red. "Don't really care what Angel thinks."

"Been there with my mom." Faith touched his shoulder. "That can be a bad place to be." He looked away from her so she pressed on. "Your dad's a pretty okay guy."

"So everyone tells me." Connor sat on the counter. More noise came from the hall but he was getting used to it. His companions seemed to be buzzing around like flies today. "But you're not going to do anything to upset Angel."

"Connor, I want things to be five by five with him but that doesn't really have to do with you and me. Last night was just about…" Faith twisted a lock of hair around her fist trying to figure out how to handle this.

"Last night," he finished for her. "I knew that before we…" He trailed off, his blush deepening. "I mean you didn't even ask my name first."


Faith smirked. "Yeah, great first impression, Faith."

"It wasn't so bad really." Connor licked his lips. "Good…great."

Faith snorted. "Thanks. It was pretty damn good. You've got a lot of potential, kid." She rested her hand on his knee.

He covered her hand with his. "I won't get you into trouble with Angel. I won't…what did Cordy call it? Act like a happy puppy around you."

"That's kind of cold." Faith rolled her eyes. "But from what I remember of her, she was all that and a big helping of bitchy on top. So, you and her?"

"Yeah. Once. She was sorry, too," he said, bitterly.

"Her loss. I'm not sorry about last night, though I wish you had been honest with me about who you were." Her dark eyes knifed into him.

Connor sighed, squeezing her hand. "I was honest."

Faith detached herself from him and went back to scrambling eggs. "Melt some butter in that pan," she ordered and he hopped off the counter to do so. "You lied about your name."

"No, I didn't." He flung half a stick of butter in the pan, managing to figure out how to turn on the flames. "My whole life my name's been Steven Franklin Thomas Holtz.  Only no one here will call me Steven. They looked at me all sad and mad when I tried to make them call me that. No one understands. I don't know who Connor is or who they think he should be. I haven't been me in months and they act like it's my fault that I'm not still a baby. I don't even know my last name any more. I'm just Connor who wants to be Steven," he snarled, slapping the butter around the pan with the spoon.

Faith kissed his cheek, taking the spoon away. "I can't imagine how you feel. Wesley did tell me how he took you as a baby, trying to protect you."

"God's will. I was meant to be with Father," Connor said as someone else walked past the kitchen yet again.

Faith didn't know what to say to that. "I think that's too much butter."

He eyed her sourly. "I don't think it goes back into stick form now."

"It can. Ah, well, you could use some fat. There's not much to you." Faith dumped the eggs into the pool of butter, listening to it hiss and spit much like she could see Connor wanted to do at this point.

"Hey!"

Faith hip bumped him. "You can't argue facts, kiddo." She sobered up, giving him a cautious look. "Wes also mentioned you tried to kill Angel."

"I failed." Connor seemed particularly upset by that. "Father gave me one mission and I failed. Then Angel murdered my father so I put him under the ocean for it. He deserved it."

"Angel killed your dad?" Faith raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound right. Angel wouldn't just kill someone."

Connor sighed. "He said Justine did it because Father wanted her, too.  But that has to be Angel lying because that would mean Father wanted revenge more than he loved me."

Faith heard the boy's voice break. She brushed his hair off his forehead. She knew what it felt like to come in second to a parent's vice. "I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you."

"Nothing you can say," Connor muttered, looking away as his blue eyes sheened with tears. "I think the eggs are burning."

"Damn." Faith started stirring them vigorously through the butter. "Anyhow Connor, I owe your dad a lot. I want you to understand that. He's been almost my lone support, the only one who believed I could turn my life around. He's understanding." Faith swallowed hard. "I've killed people, Connor and I've been in jail paying for it."

"Oh." Connor studied her. "I'm glad you told me…I can't see him helping though. He's not big on understanding. I don't care what you say. Or maybe it's just me he's not understanding or forgiving."

"Well, he didn't punish you for leaving him down there for Shark Gordon to find," Faith said.

Connor's eyes, no tears now, slotted angrily. "He threw me out. I'd been here three months but I guess he figured if I can survive hell I can learn how to live in L.A. even though I don't know the first thing about being a human kid. I didn't even really know what money was or what it was for. It was scary…never seen so many people before and didn't know they could all be so weird," Connor said sardonically, scrounging up a sad loaf of half-crushed bread. He put a few slices in the machine he had seen Fred use.

"Yeah, well, that's a problem." Faith's head bobbed sympathetically. "I've been out there myself when I was younger than you."

"If it weren't for the Beast I'd be out there now, especially since I took Cordy from him or whatever it is he thinks I did. Way she's treating me, he can have her back." Venom ran in his voice.

"Getting dumped for the first time is always hard," Faith said, unconvincingly. She tried to remember if she had ever let anyone get close enough to her, stay with her long enough to actually dump her.

"Angel said it'd happen again."

"More than anyone cares to think about. Relationships usually don't work." Faith said, hunting up two plates.

"So I'm finding out."

"Well, if it weren't for the fact we've got a lot more important things to do and that Angel would probably hit the ceiling, I'd toss you back on that table and show you a few more things I know how to do." Faith's dark eyes glittered like obsidian.

"You mean there's more?" Connor wished he hadn't said that. It had just fallen out from the shock.

Faith laughed, shoving eggs onto the plates. "Last night was just a small sampling," she promised as he put the toast on the plates as well.

"I told you he could ruin anything," Connor muttered, digging into his eggs even before he was completely seated.

"Ruin what?" Angel asked, coming into the kitchen.

"See?" Exasperation colored Connor's pale face. He had heard someone approaching but so many of them had wandered passed already he hadn't thought much of it.

"Just eat your eggs, kid. Which are about the only thing ruined," Faith said, taking a mouthful herself.

"What are you even doing in the kitchen? You don't eat," Connor said, a sulky look on his face.

Angel opened the fridge and pulled out a blood bag. "I eat, Connor."

Connor wrinkled his nose. "Not in front of us."

"Fine." Wearily, Angel put it in the microwave. "I can eat it elsewhere. I have some books to look through in my office."

"Need help with that?" Faith asked.

"When you two are done eating, sure."

"Isn't there anything else I can do?" Connor whined. "I'm no good with the books."

Angel leaned against the counter, looking at his petulant child. "Well, until we learn what we're dealing with and if and how it's connected to you, no. It's time for researching and learning everything we can. We could use your help."

"I'm no good at it. I can't read very well in English," Connor snarled. "And half those books aren't even in English."

"You can't…" Angel trailed off, looking stunned.

"You never even asked if I could read, did you? You just gave me a bunch of books cause you liked them and assumed I did, too." Connor's eyes went cold. "Father only had a Bible to use to teach me. I think I memorized it by listening more than I ever learned to read it. There weren't schools in Quor-Toth, no books, no paper and pens, nothing. Father showed me how to scratch my name in the dirt. I don't even think I can write. I've never tried and I can't read those books of Wesley's. I don't understand them." His voice got louder and more broken with each word.

Angel put his hand on Connor's slim, shaking shoulder. "It's okay, son. I didn't even think…I'm sorry. I should have realized. We'll find something else for you to do and once we beat this thing, we'll help you learn."


Connor just stared at him. "Okay, I guess. I think your blood's done."

Angel smiled and retrieved it. "And Faith, about last night."

She held up a hand. "It's our secret. Don't worry. I'm not biting at the bit to tell everyone I pulled a teenager down on the fire escape and had my way with him."

Angel paused in pouring his blood into a mug. "Fire escape? What fire escape?"

"Never mind. Don't drink that in here. I'm eating," Connor said.

Angel just left the kitchen wagging his head. "Fire escape."

"He's gonna be thinking about that all day," Faith said, polishing off her eggs.

"Oh, let him." Connor scowled. "On second thought, I don't want him thinking about me doing anything."

"What son does?" Faith shot back. "Probably shouldn't have mentioned us doing it on the fire escape before we came back here."

"What?"

Connor and Faith both looked back at the door, having dismissed the footsteps nearing as just more of the traffic the hall seemed to be getting today. Cordy stood there, her dark eyes wild.

"You did what on a fire escape?"

"None of your business," Connor snapped, getting up from the table.

"Like hell. Connor, baby what do you think you're doing?" Cordelia asked, crossing over to him.

He backed away. "Don't 'baby' me. You made it perfectly clear you didn't want me around so you don't have a say in anything I do any more."

"So, you thought you'd just pick up the first thing that came along and get your jollies?" Cordy asked, stabbing a finger at Faith.

"All right, now I'm insulted," Faith said darkly, also getting to her feet.

"What do you care what I do and who I do it with?" Connor got up in Cordy's face.

She pushed him away. "So I meant so little to you, you can replace me in one day?"

"Me? You're the one who tossed me aside, remember? 'Don't come around with the puppy look, Connor.' 'It's not going to work, Connor,' 'Go away, Connor.' Now that I've gone away, you think you have the right to yell at me?" Connor's eyes narrowed, his body quivering with rage.

"Well, I didn't think you'd pick up the skankiest person you could find." Cordy jammed her fists into her hips. "Faith slept with half of Sunnydale the last time she saw the light of day from a place that didn't have bars on it."

"That's it. You'd better get out of here, Cordelia, before I end up right back in jail for twisting your head off." Faith took a few steps toward Cordelia who didn't back off.

"Give it a try. I'm not the girl you used to know." Cordelia poking Faith's shoulder, failing to see the barely repressed rage building in Faith's dark eyes.

"Yeah, she's a champion now," Connor sneered, making it sound like a four-lettered word. "She's got demon in her…by choice. I wish I had remembered that the night it rained fire or the day I was dumb enough to say, 'come stay in my place."

"Demon?" Faith's eyebrows shot up.

"Yeah, I let a demon seduce me. Father would be so disappointed in me," Connor said bitterly.

"Connor, don't be like this." Cordelia turned her hot gaze on Faith. "It's amazing how fast you can twist a guy's head around. Angel, Xander, even Giles wasn't immune. Did she mention how she tried to sleep with your father, Connor?"

"Shut up now, Cordy," Faith growled, her fists clenching.

"So what? You did, too, or did you forget that, Cordelia?" Connor asked, slinging his hair back.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Angel asked, storming back into the kitchen.

Cordelia turned to him. "Do you know what your son did with Faith?"

Angel looked between all three of them. "I didn't know you knew. But frankly, Cordelia, it's far less disturbing to me than what you did to Connor."

Cordelia's mouth went fish-like, opening and closing before she regained her composure. "So you're okay with him hanging out with Ms. I get off on torturing and killing people?"

"No, I'm not thrilled about it because of why he did it, but you're not his mother, Cordelia, or his lover or probably not even his friend at this point so you don't get a say in this." Angel said. "And Connor, why is it whenever you're around everything is always in an uproar?"

"Oh, so it's my fault," Connor growled, pacing around the room much like his father was wont to do.

"I didn't say that," Angel said, trying to soften his voice.

"Yes, you did." Connor ranged over to him. "You don't want me here."

Angel went to touch Connor's shoulder but his son leapt back. "I think maybe you need to go somewhere to cool off for a little while."

"Fine." Connor kicked a chair half way across the room. "I'm going back to my place and I'm staying there."

"Connor, I don't want you to…" Angel said but Connor shoved past him.

"Too bad. I'm not coming back," Connor said, racing off.

"He'll be back once he…" Cordelia started but Angel held up a hand.

"Don't say another word. You're more responsible for this mess than anyone. You're just lucky we need you here or you'd be out there finding a new place to live," Angel growled.

Cordelia choked back a sob and ran out.

"You want me gone, too?" Faith eyed him angrily.

Angel sighed, slumping against the counter. "No. I don't want anyone gone. Once Connor has some time to cool off, I'll go bring him back from the warehouse he flops in."

"Yeah, maybe you'd better 'cause just in case you were wondering, the first time you tossed him out was pretty scary for him. Now he's out there with that thing roaming around and he's thinking he's not wanted here and that we all think the demon's connected to him. I think he's going to be beyond scared," Faith said, cautiously.

Angel scrubbed a hand through his badly chopped hair. That was the last time he let Cordy improve his look. He couldn't see it but neither Fred nor Lorne couldn't keep from snickering when they saw it nor Gunn from staring. "I know, Faith. I'll go bring him back but he doesn't like me. He's been taught to hate me his whole life. It might be better if you go get him later."

"I'll do that if you want." Faith headed for the door. "But I think it would be better if you did it. He might not like you but he thinks no one here likes him. He told me no one understands him. You might want to prove him wrong."


Angel just nodded, thinking, 'any suggestions as to how?' At this point he nearly wished he didn't have a son. He hadn't any conception of how hard being a father could be. In that moment, he regretted every single thing he had done to his own father, up to and including murdering him.