Author's Note- In this story, Angel's soul doesn't go missing, Lilah doesn't show up and die and there are a few other deviations from canon.
CHAPTER TEN
Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a madman
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin'
I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest Now don't you cry no moreWayward Son – Kansas
Angel sat outside, staring up at the black disc that was the sun. He couldn't go inside and face his friends. He should never have allowed them to talk him into letting his soul be stripped away. The information Angelus had given them wasn't worth what his demon had put them through.
No one was really talking to each other, especially Fred, Wes and Gunn. Faith, Cordy and Lorne were holding up better. Connor was gone, God knew where. It had been too much for the boy. He couldn't deal with the things Angelus had said.
Angel felt the tears he was too proud to shed burning his eyes. He had never wanted Connor to see him like that, as the monster the boy had been raised to believe he was. Connor hadn't been too affected by the Oedipus references. He honestly didn't seem upset that his first lover was the closest thing he had to a mom. But why should he be? Angel realized that Connor couldn't possibly remember Cordelia being his surrogate mother. He might have been completely unaware of it when he went to bed with her. Oddly enough, Angelus' jibes to Cordy on the subject missed their target too. He had felt sure he could get her.
However, he hit a real nerve by bringing up Holtz. Connor came back to the basement on the sly once he, Wesley and Cordelia returned from their talk with the priestesses of S'Vear or the one that was left. The Beast had missed slaughtering her. Angelus had seen how upset Connor was and he took full advantage of his son's state of mind. Connor had been easy prey after the trauma of seeing the massacred family.
All he had to do was start back in on how disappointing and dumb Connor could be. Again with how Holtz had killed himself rather than deal with his son's failures. That opened Connor up like a spring flower and Angelus had finished him off with outright questioning of what sort of sexual release Holtz had had on Quor-Toth for eighteen years. He asked his son how he felt when the man he trusted most couldn't keep from using him as a girl. After all, he was so small and feminine, how could anyone resist, especially since Connor had those big pouty lips. He speculated graphically what the boy might be able to do with them. Through Connor's disgust and adamant denials, Angelus had seen the pain. He had known then that Holtz actually had never touched the boy but he kept it up until Connor charged the cage.
If his son hadn't been unnaturally quick, he'd have killed him. No, not killed him. He would have made him his childe in yet another way, giving Angelus a perfect companion to hunt the night with. Connor would make a superlative vampire but he had escaped with Angelus' fingernail marks cut into the pale flesh of his willowy neck. Now his son was gone and he didn't have to be told Connor would never want to see him again.
What was even worse, the thing settling like ice inside him, was how Connor had verbally danced with Angelus. Connor had been every bit as vicious as his father. He gave no quarter and seemed to delight in the nastiness. What had been like a stake in the heart was Connor's declaration he wasn't Angel's son. There was no doubt in the boy's voice when he declared himself Angelus' offspring. And Angel knew Connor had no clue how close to the truth he was. No one spoke of it but Angel knew his friends understood that he wanted to become Angelus again the night Connor was conceived. He remembered how only the sight of his vampire face had soothed his infant son. What did that mean? At the time he thought it was kind of cute but now he had to wonder if it had a more sinister meaning. Did Connor have some link to Angelus. There was certainly a link between him and his son. He didn't doubt that for a moment. They had known each other the moment he reappeared on Earth. He had known deep to the bone he had been staring at his son even though it was a half-grown man before him. And Connor hadn't hesitated in calling him Dad. There was a connection but was it to him or to his demon?
The prophecies concerning Connor floated back to the forefront of his mind. He knew some had been faked. He wanted them all to be. He didn't want to think there was anything horrid hanging over his son's head. But now he had to wonder if there was some truth to the prophecy about Connor bringing darkness. He could almost see it. There had been a coldness in Connor as he laid into Angelus, a dead zone so broad it was unnerving. Angel only wished he knew what it meant. Was that hatred reserved just for him or did it spill over to the others?
Angel heard the courtyard door opening but he didn't look back. From the walk he knew it was Wesley. "I don't want to talk."
"I can imagine you don't," Wesley said. "But we have work to do. Karan is still at my apartment. I wish I could convince her to stay here but after the death of her sister's entire family, I suppose she would want a little privacy."
"You can deal with all those details, Wesley. Try to convince her to stay here for safety's sake. Get her whatever she needs to banish the Beast," Angel said mechanically, keeping his eyes focused on the courtyard wall.
"Angel, it's not a matter of that and you know it. None of us need to be told the obvious." Wesley stopped just behind the vampire. He was so close Angel's back was twitching. "What we need is to start acting like a group again. A good step forward would be for you to rejoin us."
Angel turned and looked up at Wes. His bearded face seemed swollen and given the fight he had with Gunn, it was no surprise. "How do we do that, Wes?"
"Well, I don't know but if we don't we might as well just lay down and die now," Wes snapped. "I don't know how but we'll do it. We have little choice." He watched Angel's face but the vampire had no response. He didn't think he was getting through to him. Angel just didn't seem to care
"You've given more rousing speeches," Angel said, getting up. His tone, while defeated, gave Wesley a glimmer of hope that he could still be swayed.
"Probably. I'm not exactly at my best. And it doesn't make what I just said any less true," Wesley replied.
"I don't know what to say to everyone." Angel hated making that admission but it was getting hard to carry all this by himself.
"You'll find a way to repair the rift, Angel. You did so in Sunnydale and I don't have to remind you the horrors you inflicted on everyone there." Wesley put a tentative hand on Angel's shoulder. "They may not all have forgiven you but they learned to work with you again. I'm not saying it'll be easy or instantaneous. Take a look at me, they're working with me again despite what I did."
Angel managed a wan smile. "That was a better speech. But I don't see it happening with Connor. Now he's truly seen what Angelus is like."
"Angel, he's always seen you as Angelus. Do you think this really changed his opinion of you that profoundly? He has never once regretted sentencing you to living death. A few ugly words isn't going to make him hate you more than he already does," Wes said with a stern, utterly unrepentant look on his face.
Angel frowned. "He took off, Wes, so you tell me."
"He does this. Gunn and Fred have told you this before. He goes off sometimes for days. He used to get Fred frantic back when you were still imprisoned in the sea, so much so, she'd actually call me to see if I knew here he was." Wesley reclined against the staircase wall. "I think she realized I was keeping tabs on everything. Angelus pissed him off. When he cools down, Connor'll be back and if not, you know where to find him. Just look for the biggest fight happening in the city."
Angel snorted. "That's what I'm afraid of. He's a boy. He's not as good as he thinks."
"That's a protective father talking," Wesley said, a little more kindly. "He had the worst of the dark realms calling him 'The Destroyer.' Connor's every bit as good as he thinks he is."
"I beat him, Wes." Angel lifted his chin, trying to rein back his rising temper. Surely he knew his own son better than Wesley but the truth was he didn't know Connor at all.
"No, you, Gunn and Groo beat him." Wesley countered, wagging a finger at the vampire. "Gunn's an able fighter. Groo was the best Pylea had to offer. Do you think things might have turned out differently if they hadn't been there to deflect his attack and tire him out?"
Angel sighed. "Maybe. But the Beast can beat him."
"He knows that. I wouldn't worry about him going after the Beast. I think Connor would rather come back and kill you first before facing off with the Beast." Wesley's face went grim.
Angel scowled horrendously. "That's not comforting."
Wesley's lips twitched up a bit. "It wasn't meant to be."
Angel slumped against a courtyard wall. "Do you think there's any truth to the idea of the sins of the father being visited on the son?"
Wesley scratched at his beard thinking for a moment. "I think it would have to be a truly cruel God who would do such a thing and I prefer to believe that if there is such a being it would be kinder."
"I'm not so sure. Connor's already paid so much for my evil, growing up like he did and I can't escape the feeling he's going to continue to do so." Angel sighed, staring out into the dark. It was hard to believe it was morning. "Did you hear the things that came out of his mouth when he was taunting Angelus?"
"Yes." Wesley glanced up at the darkened out sun. "I can't decide if it was bravado, his upbringing or…"
"Or my son's a sociopath." Angel flinched at his own words.
Wesley shook his head. "I don't think it's as bad as that. He was kind to Cordelia and to Fred. He challenged Gunn a bit from what Fred's told me but they had some bonding going on too before what he did to you came to light. His anger is focused on only one place, towards you."
"Well, I'm not ready to test the theory my son will become a well adjusted member of society if he just kills me," Angel said.
"Good. Because when I came out here, it was looking like you were. Come on back inside," Wesley said.
Angel nodded then froze. He stared intently into the darkness. "Did you see something?"
"No."
"Thought I saw something moving."
Both men surveyed the area but nothing showed itself. They went back inside. Everyone was in the kitchen, trying to make a meal while not actually talking to each other. Gunn and Fred were busy pretending they weren't ignoring each other. Faith was more honestly just ignoring the entire group and Cordelia was simply slathering toast with jam, looking pale and tired. Angel knew she had been ill since even before they forced Angelus to surface and had chalked it up to stress. Even Lorne was uncharacteristically silent. They all stopped, seeing Angel enter the room.
Angel forced himself to meet all the eyes on him. "I know sorry doesn't cover it but that's all I have. I know none of you are going to just walk away now so I'll skip the speech about sticking together and all that crap. The things Angelus said…I don't think of any of you that way. He did it to drive you apart and he damn near succeeded. We can work on rebuilding our bridges later. Right now we have a demon to banish. What does Karan need to work that spell?"
"Mostly she needed her sisters," Fred said. "But she thinks if she translates the spell, Wesley and I can help her with that."
Gunn couldn't help but give her and Wesley a glare. "That leaves me, you and Faith to keep them safe until it's done and to battle back any of the other minions the Beast has called. It's a vampire free-for-all out there."
Angel nodded. "I know. Cordy, have you had any visions, anything that might help us?"
Cordelia wilted a bit over the toast. Angel thought for a moment she might collapse. "No. I can't help you there. I guess I can help gather up anything Karan might need. We were talking, Faith and I, about Connor. We might know where he's gone since his home was burnt to the ground."
Angel crossed over to her, an eager look on his face. "Where?"
"Anne's home for kids. We rescued her a few days ago. She offered him a place then and I told him if he wasn't going to live here that might be good. She's not running off in spite of all the badness and hey, they can use someone who can kick ass," Faith said, battering Spam slices around the frying pan. "I've gone by there a few times but I haven't seen him. No one will even own up to knowing him but that's how places like that work."
"Okay. Right now, I can't worry about him," Angel said, unconvincingly. "Let's get over to your place, Wes, and see when the priestess thinks-"
The sudden loud baying of many dogs cut off Angel. Everyone looked around, exiting the kitchen, heading right for the weapons' cabinet. The howling hounds seemed to be getting closer. The sound drew a veil of despondency over everyone except Angel. The vampire could sense the changes in his friends, the looks of utter despair, the way they didn't even try for the weapons and he could only guess whatever it was, it sieved into their minds like bad water.
"What the hell is that?" Gunn asked, glancing around nervously.
"We're stuck in a rerun of the Hounds of the Baskervilles?" Cordelia shot back, slumping against the wall.
"You might not be far off," Wesley said, pointing to one of the ground-floor windows.
A dog the size of a bull calf, leapt through the window. Its black fur glinted as if bejeweled from the lights on the shards of glass. Despite its bulk the only sound it made was the clicking of its nails. A half dozen more followed it and others came through other windows. Each one seemed to add to the air of desolation, their fiery red eyes cranking up the misery.
"What are they?" Fred asked, falling back against Gunn. He folded her in his arms.
"Unless I miss my guess, barghests," Wesley said, managing to find it in him to pull a sword from the cabinet. "Black dogs. Stories about them abound in the British isles. The Beast must have sent them."
"How do we beat them?" Angel asked, not waiting for his friends. Sword drawn, he hacked the nearest of the monstrous dogs, garnering their immediate attention.
"To hear their cry is to give up and die." Wesley nearly took off his own foot as he let the sword drop.
"And we've already heard it," Fred moaned.
"We're not dead yet. They can be killed." Angel pointed to the beheaded creature at his feet. "Get your weapons and fight back!" They all stared at him, motionless, and Angel felt his temper boil over. He felt the bones of his face shifting even before he could stop it. "Fight or we all die!"
He didn't know if it was his tone of voice, their own natural survival instincts, or the look and attitude of Angelus, but whatever it was it shocked them into motion. Gunn had his hubcap axe in hand and sliced deeply into the hound that leapt at him. Cordy and Fred snared crossbows and let fly with bolts. Lorne grabbed a pike out of the cabinet and poked it around rather ineffectually. Wesley started hacking with his broadsword that seemed almost too heavy for him to lift. Faith leapt into the fray with her usual aplomb. Fists, feet and knives were her weapons against the rampaging barghests. At least most of the infernal howling had stopped.
Fred shrieked as a barghest bore her to the ground but Gunn splintered the black dog's spine with a vicious axe blow. As he helped her up, Angel grunted, half of his arm crushed in the jaws of one of the beasts. He grabbed the creature with his free hand and tore out its throat with his teeth. He yanked his sword arm free of its jaws and looked for his next meal, blood sprayed all over his face. There was nothing left standing and his friends eyed him in muted horror. Seeing him like this, blood running down the ridges of his forehead had to be almost as bad as listening to Angelus' babble. Humiliated, Angel's face smoothed back over.
"Good team work," he muttered, trying to deflect attention away from him.
Before anyone could say anything, Cordelia made some gagging noises. She tried to dart out to the courtyard but didn't make it. Her stomach emptied all over the floor. She looked back at her companions, too sick to be embarrassed. "Sorry."
"Don't worry, pixie-cat. We can clean it up. Why don't you go lie down?" Lorne patted her back gently. "You can't seem to shake this stomach flu."
She didn't protest and hurried up the steps.
Angel looked around at the dog corpses that didn't have the decency to dissolve or dust. "I'll be back to help with the clean up in a minute."
Angel headed for Cordelia's room. He knocked and heard her mumble a 'come in.' He entered her room but she wasn't in sight. He heard water running in the bathroom so he waited for her to make a reappearance. She had washed some of the blood and vomit off herself and traded her stained clothing for a thick blue robe.
"Are you okay, Cordy?" he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.
She shook her head, sagging on the bed. He sat next to her, concerned. He couldn't remember seeing her this unwell. "It's really bad, Angel."
"We'll beat this, Cordy." He brushed some of her hair back off her face, noticing how puffy it was. "We have the priestess and-"
"That's not what I meant. I don't have the flu, Angel. It's not nerves but it is sure causing a case of them." Cordelia gulped air. "I found a doctor, can you believe that? Not all of them ran off. Some are here thinking they're fighting the good fight. I know what's wrong with me."
"It's not the flu…how serious is this, Cordelia?" Angel asked, his mind flashing quickly to Sunnydale and the death of a woman he considered far too young to die. What would he do if Cordy had something like cancer?
Cordelia opened her mouth to answer but only sobbed. She started bawling and Angel pulled her close to him, stroking her hair.
"Cordelia, what's wrong? What did the doctor say?"
"That night in the loft…I thought the world was ending. I never thought to take precautions," she babbled.
"What?" Angel asked, then his eyes opened wide. "Son of a..."
"Yeah." Cordelia wiped her face with the thick sleeve of her robe. "I'm pregnant. The reason I keep throwing up is morning sickness."
Angel didn't know what to say as she broke down again. He rocked her, holding her in his arms. He tried to keep his mind empty or else he'd think on the ramifications of this. He couldn't do that without rage building up inside him. Finally she cried herself out.
"I'm so sorry, Angel." She rubbed at the tearstain on his shirt. " I'm made such a mess of everything."
"I know you didn't mean to." He stroked her back soothingly.
"What am I going to do?" Her fists thudded against the mattress. "I can't have a baby in the middle of all of this."
"Hopefully all of this will be over in the next day or two," Angel said, at a loss for something more useful. He didn't know what she was going to do. He couldn't imagine what this would do to his son's life.
"How can I be a mother, Angel? And Connor's just a kid. He barely knows how to get by in this world," Cordelia moaned.
"You'll be a good mother, Cordelia," Angel said, keeping the 'now you remember he's only a boy,' to himself.
"I'm not sure I should even tell him. I mean, you're not supposed to say anything for the first few months anyhow since things can go wrong," Cordelia said, rubbing her belly. "What if it's not human, Angel? What then?"
"Connor's human, Cordelia." Angel argued. "He's special but he's still human."
"I'm not, not any more," she said. "We tend to forget that. What if this child isn't human?"
He squeezed her hand gently. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I won't tell anyone, Cordelia. You can do that in your own time and way."
"Thanks, Angel." She rubbed her swollen eyes. "You must hate me for getting us all into this mess."
"I don't hate you, Cordelia." He slid his arm around her waist. "I don't know what to think about all of this. I'm a little stunned but I don't hate you."
She kissed his cheek. "That means more than you know."
"You rest. I have to help the others clean up the corpses."
Angel left her, only then letting his emotions surface for just a moment. He felt a little like screaming. He wasn't ready for any of this. He couldn't even imagine what Connor would do when he found out. Groo had been gone too long to pretend it was his. Connor would eventually find out he was going to be a father and Angel expected all hell to break loose. There was nothing he could do about it now. He distracted himself with black dog bonfire detail.