__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__
*disclaimer: I, as the Supreme Leader of the Universe, have, in my infinite wisdom, allowed Squaresoft to keep their copyright on these characters. (and if you're fool enough to sue me for that, that bridge is still up for sale)
Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up.
Dedicated to: Frodo and Sam, and the love that can never be named. :) And to Annie D, for converting me to their cause. LoL.
Apologies to: all the teachers who've taught me English. I'm so sorry, but I can never get all my tenses and other bits of grammar straightened out. (And if you say, "auxiliary", I would say, "plumbing?") Hey, it's not my native language!
Again, thank you to all who reviewed and those who didn't and yet still thought that this story ain't half-bad.
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Chapter 4: All silver linings have a cloud
Looking back, my childhood wasn't what you would call horrible. But there was something lacking. I could attribute it to the fact that we were living in an army town. The army was after all, synonymous with strict discipline. I was well cared for, and all my needs met, but there was coolness in the affection given to me. My father was a distant figure in my life and my mother had spent most of her time dominated by his will to have any real one of her own. Maybe because I was adopted, and I never felt kinship with those who had raised me.
But even that reason couldn't be true as I witnessed the joyous reunion happening in front of me. I had spent several seconds in brain-melting eye contact with Seifer Almasy (previously known as Mystery Cute Guy), before I croaked a reasonable approximation of the word 'hey'. And then two things happened that saved me from further embarrassment: Quistis came down the stairs, gave an un-Quistis-like squeal and shouted for everyone to come down; at the same time, Ellone and the Matron came in with their luggage. What ensued, three relatively innocent persons and their luggage were being attacked by most of the Garden staff in a hugging frenzy.
I had stood outside of their hugfest, feeling (quite rightly) like a stranger that did not belong there. And the thought of not belonging to this group of tightly-knit people actually made my chest constrict. I just couldn't bear that thought, and I furiously tried to escape from the dangerously maudlin turn my brain was heading.
In the midst of Inner Squall vs Moody Brain, round 2, Ifrit thumped me on the back, effectively jolting me out of my inner Playstation and back to this reality. Oh, hugfest over. He loped his meaty arms around my shoulders, and stumbling, I followed him to meet the newcomers. Inside, I felt so resentful at all the loving vibes that was gathering around them. I seriously have issues.
Their faces was curious, open and friendly, and again I felt that overwhelming sense of familiarity, except this time I couldn't explain that it was because they were regular helpers at the hostel. From the time of my arrival until then, they had either been too busy or had left for their trip. I was vaguely aware that my subconscious was busy flashing warning signs, but I paid no heed to it.
Ifrit swiftly made the introductions. Ellone Loire was a pretty short-haired brunette, and a junior partner in the Garden, representing her father's interests in the establishment. Edea (or the Matron as the rest still insisted on calling her), who had her head on Cid's shoulder when we were introduced, was a slim, slightly older but still a beauty with raven hair, whose violet eyes looked slightly puzzled as she tried to assess me. And Seifer… Seifer was the gorgeous blond who was about to change my life forever. Ok, so Ifrit didn't say that last part. But I wasn't paying attention anyway by then.
Edea disengaged herself from Cid, and said, in her soft voice, "You remind me so much of someone…." At that, Cid whispered to her, and she nodded. "You're right," she said to Cid but still looking at me. I must have looked like a really pathetic puppy, because then she walked to me and gave me a hug. Even her scent smelled familiar, as I held her tighter. A part of me that was still detached coolly noted that I've been hugged more in that past month, than in all my years growing up.
And as she and I were separated, the rest of them had brought the rest of the captives to the couches at one corner of the dance floor, loudly asking questions and shamelessly begging for gifts. Shiva and Ifrit were having one of their rows, with Q vainly trying to be the peacemaker and failing that, just settled for banging their heads together. Edea and I however, trailed behind, her arm around my waist, and me just enjoying the feeling.
"I hope you have settled in, and the rest aren't treating you too badly?"
I nodded, in a way that was enthusiastic for me. "I love it here."
"Good. I hope you'll stay here as long as you like-- Jeremy." I had noticed that she stumbled over my name.
When she rejoined the group again, that feeling of loss swiftly returned. I didn't think I could stand their unconscious taunting, so I turned and was about to leave, when Cid called out, "8 o'clock Jeremy, don't forget."
And I said stupidly, "I'm invited?"
Q with surprise, looked at me. "Of course you are. Why shouldn't you be?"
I couldn't help grinning as I made my way home.
Oh, did I mention that Seifer was eyeing me with an expression best described as speculative? Reminded me of a cat I once had. I made a mistake of buying a canary once. The poor bird never stood a chance. All that nervous twittering whenever the cat came in should've been a clue. It didn't even last a month. And I remembered the cat had damnedest smug expression on his face.
There was a moral to that somewhere, but I was too exhilarated to be invited to a dinner that I didn't realise that I really wanted to go. And his attention was… flattering. I was way over my head, and I didn't care.
Teenage libido-1, rational brain-nil.
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I stressed for a bit about what to wear to dinner. Most of my clothes had travelled with me from Timber, and I didn't think that casual-slash-running-away-from-home was the look I was going for. I did have a couple of decent slacks, all they needed was some ironing. No, how about jeans? I'd be casual and cool. If only I had a pair of leather pants….
At that point, I walked calmly to the nearest wall and very firmly, directed my head towards it. All right. Calm down. It's just a frickin' dinner. With friends. And Seifer! And Seifer, I added. Are all subconscious this neurotic?
I went back to my closet and took a deep breath. All right. I exhaled loudly. I took an honest inventory of what I had. Ok, denims weren't a bad choice. And there was a deep wine-red turtleneck that I just bought the other day. So that was settled. Not too casual, not too formal either. Just nice.
I ran my fingers through my hair, just enough so it wasn't tangled. I had long given up on trying to bring some order to it. As long as it didn't get in my eyes, I'm happy. I tucked my Griever necklace, and drew some solace from it. I've had it even before I was adopted, though I cannot remember who gave it and what was the significance about it. It was the only thing of my past that I had been able to keep.
I arrived about five minutes before eight, and a harried-looking Quistis greeted me with a pile of last minute decorations. "Just use your artistic sensibilities," she said. I looked at the pile in my arms in puzzlement. What artistic sensibilities?
I was almost done (and had managed quite nicely enough, thank you), standing on a stool when Seifer arrived. He was beside me, hands in his pockets, looking up nonchalantly and asked, "Need any help?"
Startled, I said hurriedly, "No, no, I'm just about done." He helped me down, and when he held my hand, my subconscious gave a mental squeak and pretty much passed out for that moment. I finally noticed him, or rather, what he was wearing. A dark emerald green shirt, collar unbuttoned, its colour setting off his eyes into a brilliant shade of jade. He was wearing a matching suit, in some dark colour that wasn't black, but I couldn't determine in the soft lighting, but it made the green of his shirt even more pronounced. I bit my lip. I was fighting the urge to bite something. Preferably him.
He gave me the once over, and suddenly it felt to me as if the temperature of the room had risen. "You look good," he finally said.
You look edible. "Th--thanks." Wow, flustered just go so well with me, didn't it?
He came closer. I did my best not to look too much like a small frightened animal, while my subconscious awoke just in time to remind me that he's straight, he's straight, he's straight. And he broke his gaze and looked at the tables that was joined together to serve as a dining table tonight. "Everything looks great. Did you do all this?"
I managed a small smile. "If I said yes, Quistis and Selphie would take turns beating the crap out of me." I held up one sorry neglected piece of decoration I had left, and pointed to the walls, "I did some of that."
"It still looks good."
Even his smile was to die for. "Flatterer."
"Seif! You're early!" It was Zell, holding a bottle of wine.
"Chickenwuss, you're late."
"Don't call me that!" Zell mock-hit him with the bottle.
By the time Quistis and Selphie finally came out of the kitchen, along with Irvine, each holding a dish, Seifer had already had Zell in a headlock and was about to give him a noogie. Calmly Quistis placed a hand on Seifer's shoulder and took the wine bottle from Zell's unresisting hands. "Let him go Seifer." He complied, while the smaller blond grinned triumphantly and planted a big kiss on his girlfriend. She smiled and said to Seifer, "You should've told us you've already arrived."
"I was too busy teasing the new guy here." He punched my upper arms gently.
Ok, was that me blushing?
Zell motioned to Seifer's empty hands. "Hah, you didn't even bring anything!"
"The chocolates are chilling in the fridge, blondie," Seifer smirked. He must have given it to the Garden kitchen when he arrived.
"Oy!" But Zell couldn't do anything as Matron and Cid had arrived, along with everyone else. Selphie greeted everyone in her typical high-energy way, hugging everyone and punctuating every sentence with a smile or a small grin. I quietly moved a little farther apart from the others, just basking in the warmth of emotions there. Matron, in her gracious way, complimented on the how everything looked, and I could see Quistis, Selphie and Irvine blushing with the praise. Her words meant to all of them, I realised. She was the Matron, their caretaker; their mother.
I abruptly turned away and paid undue attention to the paintings on the wall. I missed my family terribly. No matter how strict, and suffocating they were, they were the only family I'd known. Suddenly I wondered about my orphan days. I wished I had remembered even a little. Maybe it was worse than what I was familiar with. Maybe it was better.
"Hey man, come and meet the new arrivals," Ifrit said gruffly as he tugged my hand and pulled me to where Seifer was with three other people I didn't recognise. Well, I did sort of recognised the tall, good-looking man who stood the closest to Seifer. His long dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, and he greeted me with a smile. I started, as I finally recognised who it was. He looked just like the photos I'd seen in the news. I had met Laguna Loire, in person.
He grasped my hand and shook it firmly. "It's good to meet you." His words are cordial, but there was no aloofness there, except the uncertainty of a new meeting. Beside him, Seifer was smiling at me. I was too jolted by Laguna to notice. It felt as if there was a current of electricity running through us, only it seemed that I was the only aware of it. I was confused, because it wasn't what I was feeling with Seifer, but….
Before I knew it, Ifrit had introduced me to Fuujin, who looked particularly rakish with her eyepatch and Raijin, who was beaming at me, and reminded me of a more jovial Ifrit. They practically look like brothers anyway, right down to the golden hoops they wore on their ears. Soon after, Irvine announced that dinner was ready, and we all took our seats at the table.
The dinner that night was absolutely a noisy affair. Everyone was talking to everyone else on at least three different subjects it seemed. I didn't talk much (not that I talk much anyway), as there was no opportunity to jump in. Conversation didn't so much as flowed, as raged like a mighty river overflowing after a storm. Not that I minded. Old friends long met and new stories are exchanged. And for the benefit of the new addition (that was me), old stories are retold with much renewed vigour. I learned that Laguna was a great klutz, and his leg cramps had become the stuff of legends. Cid once had actually lulled everyone in a meeting to sleep, by talking non-stop for three hours. Fuujin used to bark out words in place of actual sentences, though she kept the habit of kicking Raijin's shins when the mood suited (which she did, because it was Raijin who was telling that particular story). Raijin still tacked on 'ya know' at the end of every sentence he uttered. Shiva teased Ifrit mercilessly for the time when he tried to set snow on fire. Of course, after that they got into another quarrel, with Q in the middle covering his face, and finally poking the two of them into silence with his salad fork.
I envied them even as I listened. But it was no longer mindless jealousy. I was envious because I did not spend more time with them sooner. I was grateful that they had big-heartedly pulled me into this tight circle. I offered a few stories as I dared, making sure that they were suitably amusing and vague enough to not give them plenty of clues. I told them about the time I had fallen into a ditch with Terence when we were just twelve climbing the fence to spy on Rinoa because we heard that she had just bought training bras the week before. At that they all laughed and Quistis laughingly reminded the rest of the table that that was what the boys did when they were all twelve too.
Throughout it all, I noticed Seifer was kept looking at me with an unreadable expression. Irvine must have noticed (he was, after all, seated next to me), because he leaned over, and whispered, "Be careful."
I kept on eating the fettuccine calmly, "Of?"
"Seifer."
"I thought he's straight." There was no question about me. They figured out I was gay, three days after I started work. Selphie asked me point blank, one day in the kitchens. I had no reason to deny, so I said yes. She sighed a little and said that I had broke several female hearts, hers included, and then calmly she turned, leapt and straddled Irvine standing not far away.
"Darlin', he'd fuck any pretty thing, if it's possible and is interesting to him. Besides, don't think I don't notice the looks he's been giving ya," he drawled lazily, ignoring the slight flush that was creeping up my face. "You're the prettiest thing that had come here in awhile. Excepting present company." He grinned at that. Sobering a little, he continued, "All I'm sayin', be careful. He's charming sonofagun, when he wants to. I love him as a brother, but he can be a real ass to those that shares his bed. Go right ahead if you think you can handle it. Just don't say no one warned ya."
And do you know what was I thinking during that little warning? I believe my inner self went something like, Hooooooya! I've got a chance!
Irvine's dishes that night got plenty of loud praises, and his face looked like it was about to be split in half, because he was beaming so much. Selphie kissed him hard when the dinner was almost over, and when it looked like they were not going to break it up anytime soon, Zell groaned and cuffed Irvine on the head. And he had to promise Selphie ice cream afterwards, because he made Irvine bit her tongue.
I was helping cleaning up, when on the way out of the kitchen and back to the dining area, I was pulled into an alcove that was the entrance to the storeroom. And there, looming in front of me, larger than life and impossibly gorgeous, was the object of my libido. We were so heart-stoppingly close, and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. Our eyes were locked to each other for a few moments. And still no word was spoken.
There was a slight curve to his lips. I wanted so much to taste it. Feeling impulsive, I leaned up and kissed him. Immediately he reciprocated. And just as he was about to slip his tongue into my mouth, I pulled away.
Tracing his lips, and avoiding them from biting my fingers, I said, "The last time we met, you said you had women troubles."
Finally he captured my hand, and pulled it to kiss my palm. Tingles raced all the way to my toes. "Past tense. 'Had'. We only dated for a month anyway. She was just a fling."
"Am I just a fling then?"
He leaned closer, so deliciously closer. "No."
"Oh good," I breathed. And I closed the distance between us, and this time, taking no chances, he gripped my hips. I was tracing the outline of his ears and neck when he grinded himself against me. I moaned weakly. Summoning what little strength I had, I pushed away, and moved his arms to his sides.
Naughtily, I kissed his jaw. "Well, see you."
I walked jauntily away, as best as I could on shaking limbs. When I looked back, Seifer still hadn't moved, although his hands were now in his pockets. He had a gleam in his eyes. I shivered and turned away.
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The rest of the night weren't exactly kind on my self-restraint. We were all lounging on the couches, drinking coffee, tea or whatever else, talking about various topics. Seifer was a full participant, though he purposely sat next to me and brushed against me whenever he can. Evil evil bastard.
Gradually, my eyes felt heavy, and the next thing I knew, an amused Seifer was shaking me awake as I was about to drool on his shoulder. I leapt back, as if scalded. To be honest, I wasn't even sure why I was playing coy with him. But I knew I didn't want to be just another easy lay.
There was another reason, I think. Guilt. I felt guilty enjoying myself. I remembered Rinoa's words. Shouldn't I go to the police, tell them what I knew? Yet, for some reason, something held my back. My instincts were uneasy with that option.
I arrived home that night, my spirits plummeting a little when I saw Terence's cactus. What good feeling I got from the dinner evaporated. Suddenly I was so tired, as if a thousand years of burden was laid on me. I changed to my night clothes slowly, and my bedtime rituals felt forced.
I went to sleep feeling like a coward.
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The dream that night was different.
"I wish I remember who I was," I said sadly, as I was fingering Griever.
Terence stopped my hand's motions, and closed it over the pendant. 'You've always been Squall. Even before. Especially before."
"But I wish I could remember!" I closed my eyes. "I love you."
"No you don't."
I pulled back from his embrace, frowning. He smiled. "Of course you love me. But you don't love love me. You were waiting for someone. And now he's here."
"You're here."
"Don't be silly. I'm dead. He's here. He's always known you as Squall. Even before."
"Especially before," I whispered. He nodded, and suddenly I found myself standing at a beachside. There was a lone boy, that I guessed was me, because who else had the same messy brown locks? I heard footsteps, and I turned. A small blond boy, though older than little Squall, was running towards little Squall. Startled, I realised it was Seifer.
He stopped in front of the sandcastle I was building, and squatted down. "Hey Squall, wanna come play?"
"No." Boy, I was still a person of few words even then.
"Aww, c'mon!"
I didn't reply.
"Please Squall, sword fights are fun!"
"…"
Angry, Seifer kicked at my sandcastle. I leapt up, my eyes blazing.
Satisfied, Seifer looked at me squarely and said, "Now we can sword fight."
Distantly I heard a voice I knew belonged to Zell, wailing, "Matron! Seifer and Squall is fightin' again!" Selphie promptly bawled.
Suddenly I was back with Terence. "I don't think I understand anything."
If anything, he smiled wider. "Good." And taking hold of my hands and kissing them, he said, "you've done nothing wrong in wanting to live. Live darling. Don't bother too much about me. There's nothing more you can do."
He didn't die in this dream, but he still disappeared, and left me alone.
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END chapter 4
*dream sequence written to 'Memoria' and 'My Tomorrow' (Boys Be OST)
Author p/s: And er… muchas apologies in advance, just in case the story gets unbearably mushy/sucky/plotless/angsty/predictable and/or just plain disappointing. Heh.
Look ma! Smut!