__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__ aka the plotless mush that could

*disclaimer: (..I really have to end this fic soon, because I can't be arsed into thinking up more silly statements that just says that Squaresoft owns everything concerning Final Fantasy 8, and I own squat...)

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up.

Dedicated to: my ongoing campaign to embarrass Annie D into letting me read her fics and not squeal when I do so. And to her also because I scare her, for some reason she isn't telling. :) Though she still writes the sweetest, cutest, most funniest, approaching-fluff fics I've read.

Will they won't they
Will they won't they
Will they get it on?

The farther is to Squall
The nearer is the blond

Contrariwise, continued Tweedledum
If it was so, it is
If it wasn't so, it ain't
That's logic.

(recited and bastardised from memory, with a thousand apologies to Lewis Carroll)

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Chapter 5: Denial isn't just a word (it's a state of mind)

I woke up from the dream to find it was already eight in the morning, and the sun was creeping through the tightly shuttered blinds, illuminating everything in strips of light. My head felt as if it was wrapped in cotton, even though I drank very little last night. I dragged my feet to the shower, and I tried to keep my mind blank as the spray of hot water hit me.

I kept thinking back to the dream. Was it too much wishful thinking hoping that it was really Terrence in my dream? I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall, away from the shower spray. I missed him. I wish--

…Live darling. Don't bother too much about me…

I wanted so much for the dream to be something more than just electrical impulses firing in my brain when I was asleep. I wanted it to be a message from beyond. I wanted to know that it was really Terrence. I wanted to stop feeling guilty to be alive.

…nothing wrong in wanting to live…

My heart was troubled. My conscience was too loud for me to ignore. But I was so tired. I lie on the bed, still wrapped in my towel, looking past the sunbeams, to the window. Terence's cactus was just beside it, it's flower golden red in the sunlight.

Finally I walked to the window. I took the cactus, and placed it on the windowsill, behind the blinds, so it wouldn't remind me and accuse me of neglect and cowardice. My choice was made. It wasn't the closure I wanted, but it was the time for me to move on.

But I wasn't moving on. I didn't realise it then, but I was running. Maybe my bags weren't packed and I wasn't going anywhere, but I was still running away.

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It was just a little after 10 o' clock when Shiva came knocking down my door. I was almost wishing that I had a morning shift that day, anything to escape the thoughts in my head. There was nothing interesting on the second-hand television Xu left behind. I was glaring at her by the time I opened the door, no thanks to her incessant knocking.

"I heard you the first time," I grumbled.

"I know," she said smirking. Then she laughed aloud at my glowering expression. Then, tapping the frown on my forehead, she said, "You just look so cute like that."

I just kept on glowering.

This time she really chortled. No, really. Chortled. Never thought I could actually use that word in real life. "Someone's taken her happy pill this morning." That much good nature that early in the morning was criminal, I tell you.

"And someone got lost in the angsty static that is his brain and promptly decided to be depressed," she countered. "C'mon." She took off her baseball cap and fussed with it on my head, making sure my fringes were cleared away from my eyes. "I want breakfast," she declared. "And then I want shoes. You're gay. You should know these things. You will help me."

I looked at her squarely. Please. Have you seen my hair?

Uncannily, Shiva just shrugged, and ruffled the back of my head not covered by the cap. "It still looks good." She hooked her arms around mine and dragged me out of the hallway. "I'm hungry," she said imperiously. "C'mon. There's this vendor whose hot dogs Zell just swears by."

The next thing I knew, I was out of the building, walking to only Shiva knew where, shivering a little in the morning chill. We were about halfway there when I realised I didn't lock my door. I believe Shiva went something like, "pffffffffttttt."

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I grudgingly conceded that the hot dogs were indeed spectacular, as I started on my second, with Shiva looking at me with amusement. I was absent-mindedly grateful that I was wearing her cap, because I felt self-conscious out there in public. We were sitting at a bench in a park that I never went before. It was in a part of Esthar that I wasn't familiar with, so the uneasiness was understandable.

She was leaning against the bench, her arms splayed wide upon its back. She was squinting at the couple walking on the footpath far ahead, when off-handedly she commented, "Seifer really is a bad kisser, isn't he?"

Hot dog forgotten, I exclaimed, "No, he's not!" then blushed furiously when I saw her self-satisfied smirk.

"You just walked straight into that one," she said airily. I was munching at my hot dog stubbornly. Then she suddenly shifted and sat cross-legged on the bench facing me. Oh no, she was in her girltalk-share mode.

"So?" she prompted.

"So."

"Tell, tell," she said impatiently. "Was he like," at this, she clasped her hands together, and fluttered her eyelashes dramatically, "totally dreamy?"

I was still too mortified by my earlier admission to do anything but gave a tight nod and said curtly, "We only made out for less than five minutes."

"And what entertaining minutes they were too."

By then I was as red as a tomato, and was looking anywhere but at her. She patted my cheek kindly. "The shoes can wait you know. And I could have easily had breakfast by my lonesome. But when my best friend got kissed senseless by someone generally agreed to be a first-rate charmer, I find I had the most urgent need to eat hot dogs here."

She leaned back against the bench again, though this time her arm was looped through mine. I had finished my hot dog and offered the remainder of my coffee to her silently. She sighed after she took a sip, and looked up in the sky, shielding her eyes against the brilliant morning sun. After a while, she looked at me steadily. "I don't suppose you ever find the society pages in newspapers interesting?"

"It's just socialite gossip and a glorified 'who's going out with who' with pictures." I was curious at where she was going with this.

She leaned in closer and rested her head on my shoulder. "Exactly." She sighed again. A lot of sighing from the regal Ice Queen. "Hey," I said softly. "What is it?"

"Seifer's a pretty popular fixture in those pages."

I was silent for a bit before shrugging carelessly. "So? I figured, since he is pretty rich and handsome. And available."

Shiva looked at me wryly before leaning against my shoulder again. "I'm not saying he's going to two-time you, if that's what you think this whole excursion is about. Seifer might be a playboy, and he can't be depended on to keep a steady relationship beyond three months, but he's a gentleman, and he always treats his lovers with respect. If you're his target for now, he won't stray." I was relieved at hearing that. Shiva continued, "No, that's not what I'm worried about. You're a big boy, you can handle it."

"But, Seifer likes to show his conquests. Which is fine I think. Especially when it's someone as pretty as you are." I rolled my eyes at that. My face has always been the bane of my life. No one takes you seriously when you look like you're one lipstick application from being a girl. Shiva laughed at my expression. She knew she could get away with it. If it were someone I knew back in Timber, they would be sprawled on the ground, nursing a split lip. Probably. I put someone in traction once. Lifted my spirits up pretty high for an entire fortnight.

"Now the problem is," she tapped the brim of the cap I'm wearing lightly. "You're in hiding." Almost philosophically, she asked, "Would you tell him?"

Would I? Should I? I frowned to myself. I honestly don't know. Shiva clasped my arm tighter. "I don't care what is it that you're hiding from, though I wish…" she shook her head slightly and smiled. "No, I don't mind, I really don't. But what about him? He's persistent one, Seifer. Sure you can throw him off?"

"I… don't know." I looked down, staring at my hands on my lap. "I like him. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me, but whatever it is that's going between us, I don't want to lose it."

"You'll be fine, Jeremy," she comforted me, and I had to fight the urge to scream It's Squall! Call me Squall!

I exhaled heavily. "C'mon." We stood up and left the park. It was near noon anyway, and we're supposed to be at the hostel helping out with the lunch duty.

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On the way there, I did some heavy thinking. Shiva was trying her best at inane chatter, supplying the background noise to add to the bustle of the city. I suppose it was her way to keep me tethered, while my mind was tying itself in knots and circles at a furious pace.

That talk with Shiva and the dream the night before was seriously confusing me. I couldn't even begin to understand the emotions churning within me, much less make an informed decision about what to do next. I feel as though there was a huge roiling, burning sea encased within a statue of ice and glass that was my body. If this didn't let up, I might have to pick up some nervous habit like nail-biting or something, just to expel some of inner tension I was feeling.

I slowly began to realise that Seifer represented a shot for me being happy. To live again. To stop hiding. But at the same time, because of those very same reasons, I feared him. And I was angry at myself. There was still a part of me that was convinced that I had no right being happy. I shouldn't.

But I also did decide to move on. I had to try living again.

But I was so afraid.

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In the end, I decided to take the self-sacrificing route and not to fall for him. Which was too late anyway, but you know how it goes about paving the road to hell.

I will be cold and standoffish when he approaches me, and nothing he can do will convince me otherwise, I thought nobly. Yes, this is the right way. He will not tempt me, and I won't be tempted. Don't ask me what was the basis for my reasoning. All I remembered was that it made good sense to me at that time.

But it was a little hard to play hard-to-get when there was no one to do the chasing. Seifer never as much as stopped by in the days after the dinner. I was busy with work and helping out at the youth hostel, and I supposed he was too busy playing the young hotshot go-getting business executive to come to the Garden. I was too preoccupied with him to notice that he's not the only one who was busy. I hadn't seen Ellone and Laguna either. And Shiva too, because apparently she works at their accounting department on semi-permanent basis.

You can laugh at me now (because I sure as hell am), but I remember feeling very miffed. Mixed with a natural curiosity about what could happen next, as well as a little bit of longing and half-baked ideas about staying away, and you have a pretty interesting case study, should you ever want to pick up psychology.

He finally showed up on a Friday night. It was hectic, as usual, being a weekend night and the popularity of the Garden. I was busy entertaining orders at the bar to notice his arrival. However, through the fog of smoke and the smell of sweaty bodies, alongside the dim lighting and the pulsing music, I could feel him. I just didn't know it.

Then I heard his simple greeting. "Hey," he said. I turned around, and there he was, in a tan yellow trenchcoat, red crosses along its arms, seemingly apart from the press of bodies around him. I could literally feel my resolutions melting away in the light of his smile. (Did I just say that? Gag me.)

"Haven't seen you here in a while." I couldn't help but pout a little. (Yargh….)

He smirked. Damn his smirk! "Missed me?"

I didn't quite know how to reply to that without sounding either like a lovesick fool or just a fool, so I settled for rubbing the shot glasses industriously.

"Hey," and he put his hand on my chin and tilted my head to meet his eyes. It was the first contact we had since the dinner and my heart was already beating in triple time. We just looked at each other for a while, and then apparently understanding me a lot more than I did, he said quietly, "I'm flattered."

I gave an undignified snort and pulled away from his touch. But I didn't move away from him, because I suddenly decided the glasses nearest to him needed arranging. Still I didn't say anything, and probably wouldn't have when he suddenly sighed and stopped my aimless hands.

"I'm sorry. But taking that little trip meant a whole lot more I have to catch up to before I could get everything in order. I missed you too," he added softly. Charmer.

But a charmer I was slowly falling for, whether I willed it or not. And I must have forgiven him, because I looked up without his urging, and something in my expression caused him to smile.

"Hey, a little service here!" I glared at the offending voice. But the moment was already gone. He squeezed my hand. "Go on, you shouldn't keep the customer waiting."

"Stay?"

"I wouldn't dream of anything else."

And I thought, to hell with guilt, and being careful, and caution. This was something good, and new, and I desperately wanted it.

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Author p/s: Apologies at the tardiness (and shortness) of this chapter, but the next chapters might take some time in coming too, because I am in the middle of my finals. And Real Life™ has just thrown me a particularly wicked curveball I'm trying to grapple with.