__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__
*disclaimer: Yes, depress me more why don't you?
Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI!
A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up. (how very appropriately vague). --here's hoping this chapter moves a lot more plot--
Dedicated to: my best friend. Hope she appreciates the gesture ("Aawww, you wrote smut? For me? Aww…")
Also to the real life Jeremy, whom I miss terribly. Because he's never online. :)
Written to: Bole Chudiyan (Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham OST) -- Dude, I'm writing slash to Hindi music! Neat!
Apologies: To everyone (or rather, anyone) who's been following this story. I seriously lost the plot. Literally. I had to log online and read past chapters on ff.net (because if my parents find out, I'd be a DEAD Aspiring Writer). Anyway, thank you for being patient. I hope you didn't lose the plot as well.
Warning: First basus interruptus, and really scary girls.
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Chapter 6: Some sweet lovin' (almost)
I tried not to glance at him as I continued with my work, but eventually I gave up trying and shamelessly looked at him, whether or not he noticed. There was a couple of times when some hussy would come sidling up to him, drinks in hand, invitation clear, and I would feel the most overwhelming need to rip their hair out and snarl, "Mine."
Oh, I wasn't jealous at all. Nope, not even when Xu came over and said, "Honey, you're scaring the patrons away."
It was close to midnight and the crowd was really beginning to move, when Selphie came over from the kitchens. With a twinkle in her eye, she relieved me from my duty, declaring that she would do her bit in getting the youth population of Esthar drunk out of their minds. Very civic-minded of her, I commented and she just laughed and pushed me out of the bar. Then she added cheekily, "also I'm campaigning for you to get laid tonight."
Lovely. With such encouraging support I was let out into the wild, jostling with the patrons who were already more than a little drunk. Just had to endure it I suppose. I was wearing a simple grey shirt, which, compared to what he was wearing, made me feel more than a little inadequate. Still, I was wearing the leather pants I had bought two days ago, and was at the process of breaking them in. You can't go wrong with leather pants, especially when you had sex in mind.
He still had the same drink he ordered an hour ago, his eyes roaming through the crowd disinterestedly, until his gaze fell on me. Immediately, I felt as if there was a live electric current flowing between us, cutting through all the other bodies in between. I felt as if every single inch of my skin was tingling in nervous anticipation.
He took my hand, when I finally reached him, and pulled me closer without another word. I was no longer aware of my surroundings; we were in a little space for ourselves, formed by our body heat and intermingling breaths. I was pressed to him, his arm around my waist tightly, while his other arm was trapped between us, with my hand that he was still holding. I was no longer thinking about guilt or consequences or the fact that I'm about to be involved with someone without being completely honest as to who I really was. All I could see and feel and breathe was him. It was intoxicating. Not even with Terrence had I felt this… this attraction on such a visceral level. I touched his cheek and he nuzzled into my palm, and it felt as if my very cells were on fire.
"Dance with me," he said softly and entranced, I nodded.
The rest of the dance floor was pulsating to house music, the music of choice for the night. It wasn't what we had in mind. So we moved a little farther away, shielded by the panelling of the bar, a darker corner, undisturbed by anyone else. We swayed to our own rhythm, our bodies pressing tightly, his arms around me and mine around his neck. Since I was the shorter one, I rested my head on his shoulder and occasionally press my face against his neck, inhaling his scent. His arms would tighten and my knees would buckle just a little, and I was so grateful that he was there to catch me.
Eventually, the both of us noticed two things: Selphie was peering by the panelling, and she wasn't alone. A golden blonde head was slowly emerging behind her, and when our eyes met, Quistis gave a guilty giggle and promptly disappeared again.
I looked up and pulled his face nearer. His lips were so tantalisingly close. I nipped his lower lip and before I could pull away he captured my lips and parted them. I sighed when his tongue stroked mine. And nearby, I could hear answering sighs as well.
His eyes narrowed at the offenders while I kissed the side of his mouth, and a chorus of giggles was our reply.
He rolled his eyes, and said to me, "Seems like we've got ourselves a fanclub."
"Leave?"
"Thought you'd never ask."
We left, making our way through the crowd, my head resting on his shoulder, with Selphie shouting behind us, "I'm expecting details!"
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The moment we stepped out of the Garden and onto the sidewalk, Seifer turned to me and propping me against the wall, started nibbling on my neck. Anyone who saw us ignored us, after all we're just another pair of horny kids that was too impatient for anything else. Much like those who were passing by.
It felt so good. I moaned, "Shouldn't we take this someplace more private?"
He stopped. "Should we?"
I cuddled closer and shrugged. "It's going a little bit too fast for me." It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie either.
He was drawing circles on my back and I just felt so… comfy. I didn't want to move.
"We could always move back in," he suggested. "And spend the rest of the night trying to ignore certain people's well-intentioned nosiness."
I only hugged him tighter and shook my head. "Or," he continued amused, "we could go someplace else. Just have a coffee or something?"
"Okay," I said softly.
We decided then to go to a little midnight café just a few stores down. We sat at one of the tables outside, so we could still enjoy the fresh air, but it was still in the shadows of the shrubbery and the overhanging lamps. We talked about anything and everything, as the cliché goes. But mostly we cuddled and kissed and did all those things that still send my pulse racing. He was doing a lot more of the talking, about the business and what he did and things that he liked and disliked. He liked my neck, we determined that pretty early on. And I found myself with the most incredible urge to just snuggle up to him, which eventually I did. Luckily the table we were sitting at was supplied with couches rather than ironwork chairs. Just sitting close to him, enclosed by his trenchcoat… it was delicious.
If he noticed my deliberate evasion of my past, he did not mention it. After a while, I was practically dozing on his chest, with his hands playing with my hair. Far away I can hear strains of guitar music, played by a sidewalk musician for a dollar or two. And in that precious moment, I felt completely happy. All that I was running away from felt just like a very bad dream.
"Hey, wake up," he shook me gently. I just mumbled drowsily. "C'mon, Sleeping Beauty, before we both get pneumonia." He propped me up while he paid for the coffee.
Marvelling at my ability to sleep, walk and clutch at him tightly at the same time, he commented, "I thought caffeine is supposed to keep you awake."
"Just the opposite. Sugar, on the other hand…," I replied with a yawn.
We walked to my apartment in companionable silence. Not much choice for him anyway, since I was doing my best impression of a zombie-slash-walking bolster pillow. The moment we reached the front door, he kissed me hard. Woke me up real nice. His hands had found their way under my shirt, and I was squirming under the onslaught. He was nipping at my earlobe and one of my legs managed to hook itself around his waist.
Suddenly he stopped. "Good night?"
Damn him. I didn't want to choose. I just want to be swept away, and let the circumstances decide for me. But his questions jolted me back to reality, and I found myself thinking hard, at that moment with his hand on my groin and my hands holding on to his shoulders.
I felt so terribly naïve and unsophisticated then, compared to him and his worldly ways. Told him exactly that, and for my answer, he laughed. "Hey, I'm only 20. I may have graduated with honours two years ago, but my voting rights won't come into effect until at least another 2 months." He sobered, and by then, the both of us had righted ourselves and were standing with only our foreheads touching. Finally he said, "I like you, Jeremy," Squall! "I like you a lot. And I don't want to rush you. But it's hard. You're so different than anyone I've ever met."
I snorted. "Bet you say that to everyone who caught your eye."
He smiled, but his eyes were serious. Cupping my face, he looked at me directly. "No. You ARE different. You're so different compared to others, but sometimes it feels like you're the most familiar person I've known. Even if you're not telling." I opened my mouth to explain, but he shushed me with his finger on my mouth. "I don't want to rush you," he repeated. "I won't." Then almost to himself, he whispered, "I shouldn't."
I was shaken by his trust. No, not just his. The trust that was shown to me by all these people. It was incredible. My voice unsteady, I said, "So, good night?"
He kissed my forehead. "Good night."
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I went inside, he kissed my fingers as we parted and I closed the door. My head was resting on the door as I strained to hear the echo of his retreating footsteps down the hallway. I closed my eyes, recalling the way his body felt against mine. My hand was tracing the grain of the wood lightly. I couldn't hear him anymore.
Needing comfort, my other hand roved to where Griever lay silent under my shirt. I slowly pulled it out, holding tightly onto it, its silver surface still warm from the heat of our bodies. Oh please, if you can, tell me what to do.
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I woke up the next day groaning, unsurprised with the pounding in my head. Sleep was no longer a reprieve now. I kept dreaming of things that I could scarcely recall when I woke up, but still, they distressed me. Vaguely, I knew they were about my life before I was adopted, in which case, a poor time for long-forgotten memories to re-surface. I had never questioned before why I never remembered them. I was too young for the details of the why. But I had never thought about it until I came to Esthar.
…There was a small boy, with sunlight glinting on his close-cropped blond hair, playing in the field of daisies…
… A slim woman, leaning closely against her husband, peering worriedly on these displaced children she has called her own…
…Other tow-headed children, rallying around a shy, silent chocolate-haired boy, coaxing him to play. He follows unwillingly, though he is smiling…
There was more, images swirling in my dreamscape, making no sense. Terence had been replaced by the visions of these children, though sometimes they mixed together, jerking me awake, my clothes drenched in sweat. I was still confused, but there was no doubt in my mind, those children are my new-found friends in the Garden.
All I wanted was to start over, and what I got, was a link to the past I had long forgotten.
Absently, I was playing with the pendant hanging on my neck. Meditating on Griever, I decided to not do anything with this little revelation. Hell, they don't even know my name, what's another secret between us all?
Looking back, I really should know better than try and make resolutions that I couldn't keep. I mean, look how well the one about Seifer turned out. Still, couldn't accuse a man for lack of optimism, yeah?
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As usual, I arrived at the Garden close to 5 o'clock. I had to be there early enough for the shift change, and since I had been given a few managerial tasks by Cid (small-time really), I had to be there even earlier. Very responsible, I was. Even if it was just checking the wine inventory, or playing the straight man whenever Zell was in one of his moods when he thought he was being funny. I really should ask for a pay rise just for that.
But that particular day, I found that last night's fanclub had organised a welcoming committee for me. If those naughty, wide (approaching lecherous) grins that greeted me were any indication. Oh look, even Shiva's here. I couldn't quite decide which one of them was the scariest. Then again, Selphie, Quistis and Shiva are advancing with a determined look in their eyes.
(…)
Inexplicably, my subconscious decided to give me advice in Raijin's voice. Now would be a good time to make your escape, ya know?
Too late.
Ah, so this is the feeling of terror one feels when being cornered by a trio of cheerleaders. Right, now it's being Detached Documentary Voiceover Person. At the rate my subconscious was flying off tangents, I'd be seeing naked dancing babies soon.
Yonder, I could see Edea, along with the rest of the staff (who had all abandoned any pretence of working), watching the proceedings with great interest. Reality entertainment at its best. I'm so pleased--
Selphie leaned closer and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Hey lover," she drawled, Irvine-style. By then, the rest of the girls had got their hands on me. Three hot blonde babes all over me. I should be in heaven. Oh wait, I'm gay.
Does this mean we're in hell?
Note: Panicky inner self v. unhelpful.
I levelled a cool stare at my questioner. (Because really, if I tried to stare them all down, I'd be cross-eyed.) "Yes, doll?"
Shiva tittered at that.
"So how was the last night?" Selphie continued sweetly.
"Pleasant."
"I've heard better adjectives from past lovers," Quistis scoffed.
I took my time turning my head towards her. "Go ask them then. Because we kissed, then we said good night. And he left."
"That's all?!" Shiva was a little disbelieving. No one could blame her really.
Selphie must have noticed the patch of inflamed skin not covered by my shirt collar. "Lovebite!" she squealed. I rolled my eyes at the excited "ooh"s that followed. Edea was trying to cover her laughter by coughing into her hand.
Oh, for Hyne's sake, I thought irritably as they practically yanked the collar away so they could take a good look at that particular mark (and a few besides), if they want to probe my upper chest area, couldn't they have the decency to drug me into unconsciousness first? At least we're at the hallway between the kitchens and the staff locker room. I hoped no unsuspecting customer was a witness to this.
"Done?" I asked archly, throwing a meaningful glare for good measure.
"Hey, what's this?" asked Shiva curiously as she pulled out the silver chain that was holding Griever. "Pretty." The rest of the girls nodded in agreement.
I answered even as I took it back. "Griever." Immediately, I felt a strange sort of silence descended. I was busy buttoning up my shirt to notice Edea coming nearer.
"Squall?" she called out softly. Unthinking, I looked up in answer. Oops.
At that point, it was safe to say that everyone gasped. And then a human avalanche, and there I was, caught in the middle of it. Distantly, I heard Zell running into the kitchen and shouting for Irvine to come out, because it's Squall!
Eventually, they stopped trying to hug me to death. Zell did an impromptu noogie though. May I just say, ow? Edea was looking at me with tears in her eyes.
I was trying hard to be unaffected. I bit the corner of my lip a little. Not exactly the homecoming I would have imagined, but I was home.
Someone must have realised at what a scene we were causing, because Quistis was herding us into the locker room and Zell was shooing everyone back to work. Q was nervously handing tissues to anyone who needed them (himself included) and Ifrit was suitably menacing by the doorway.
Eventually, it was just me and the Orphanage Gang (as they later told me) in the room. Everyone was a little teary-eyed, with Zell and Q unabashedly sniffling and Edea holding me close, fussing over me like a mother hen. But I was quickly coming down from my euphoria. So they know my name. The Squall they knew was a boy scarcely eight-years old when he left the orphanage. This Squall was different. Too many things had happened for them to be familiar and comfortable with me anymore. But even as I thought it, I knew that was false. Even from the very first day, they had been nothing but kind to me, even when they knew I was hiding things for them. But the question was, how much do I tell them? The more I considered it (with all the noisiness of reunion going around me), the more I hated the secrets I kept. But I've been careful for so long, and the thought of suddenly disclosing them to such a group of people was very much a shock to my well-constructed shields.
I had been keeping my head down the entire while, as I was mulling over what to do. Edea was stroking my hair, while the rest of them sat close by, trying to maintain some sort of physical contact with me.
"Squall?" she asked softly. I looked up, and saw the concerned gazes of the people around me. I tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace.
I took a deep breath. I was still unsure on how to proceed. But Shiva saved me when she swiftly asked, half-demanding, "How come you never told us? You should know you can trust us right? I mean, it might be 10 years, but it's not like you've forgotten all about us?! I mean, sure, you're in hiding from whatever it was, but it's not like we won't help!"
I seized on the opening she gave. "I'm sorry. But I don't really remember any of you." I heard a gasp somewhere, I wasn't sure who. "I- I don't remember anything after I was adopted."
Quistis was the quickest on the uptake. "You had amnesia?"
I nodded, a little uncertainly. "I guess so. I never really asked. I know I had a bad fall sometime after I was adopted, and Mother told me that I never remembered my orphanage days. And they couldn't help, because they don't know you that well." I didn't want to add how deliberate that excuse felt to me, how convenient it was when I first heard it.
"But you don't seem too surprised." That was from Selphie, who was sitting on Irvine's lap.
"I- I've been having dreams," I confessed. So far, the interrogation was going rather well. Nothing particularly life-threatening had slipped from my lips yet.
But that thought came too soon, as Shiva asked with typical bluntness, "so, why are you in Esthar?"
Well, here goes. Don't forget to take a deep breath before you dive in. "I'm … I'm hiding. Terence, my … lover, he died. Killed. He… he was an addict, a- and th-they were demanding payment." I took another breath, before I continued. "I shouldn't have been there, but… but… they saw me. I had to run. I don't know what else to do."
Quistis asked gently, "Why didn't you go to the police?"
Unconsciously, I was leaning closer into Edea's arms. "I don't know. Maybe I'm too afraid. But Timber is a small military town; everyone knew everyone else. They- they were familiar. I've seen them before. I can't remember where." I don't want to remember "I had to get away. And- and not… it's a small town. My father's a career army man. The General's son isn't a homosexual." Faggot! I shook my head at that old taunt. "If I were to tell- they won't- they couldn't- they'd sooner believe them than a freak like me!"
I closed my eyes. I was breathless, my heart was still racing from the recollections assaulting me. There. It's done. It's out. I have talked more in front a group of people than I ever did in my entire life. They could call me whatever names they liked; it couldn't be any worse than the ones I've called myself.
I felt the press of a body behind me. A wisp of platinum blonde hair rested on my shoulders. "You're not a freak," Shiva said softly. "At least, not among us. I have it on good authority that Ifrit goes to sleep with a little pink stuffed bear every night."
"HEY!" Ifrit's indignant shout broke the tension in the room. It was a lame joke, but the titters and giggles soon progressed into all out laughter. Zell couldn't look at Ifrit without breaking up into another bout of laughter.
"It's not pink, it's yellow!"
"Oh Gods!" Selphie shouted amidst her teary laughter. "Tell me it's not my missing Winnie the Pooh that you're defiling nightly!"
At that point, he just crossed his arms and pouted. By then, we all had subsided, patting each other's backs and trying to catch our breaths.
Edea was lovingly caressing my hair. "Squall, we've missed you so much." And she pulled me into a tight hug, one that I returned, even though it felt as if the very air was being squeezed out of my lungs. "I've missed you so much."
"Me too." I smiled sheepishly, " I might not remember everything, but I've missed you all."
Q was quietly blowing his nose in the corner.
"But," I looked urgently at everyone. "Please don't tell anyone about this. Please?"
"Of course we won't!" Zell staunchly declared. "Unless they really really Need to Know."
Irvine nodded in ready agreement.
To quote a certain someone in a galaxy far far away, I have a bad feeling about this.
Ifrit, arms still crossed, spoke up. "Cid's gotta know."
Q rejoined, "And Seifer, Ellone, Kiros, Ward, Laguna… Laguna! Hyne, Laguna HAS got To Know!"
I frowned. "What? Why?" There's perfectly no reason for the world's richest man to know about me, close connections or no.
Edea turned her suddenly feverish eyes on me. "Squall, he's your father."
"WHAT??!"
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end (tbc)
Author p/s: To those who can spot just at which point I slammed and left a bloody mess on the writer's block… ssssshh! Don't tell anyone. It was tough getting the story back together again after that. And I'm so sorry to those who have waited (if there's any left).
… Oh, I just realised how lame the plot is. Sheesh.