Uncertain (Epilogue to Understanding)
Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan POV. This is an epilogue of sorts to my fic, 'Understanding,' in which Obi-Wan is trying to deal with a friends battle with depression.
I am angry. Frustrated. Worried. Uncertain.
This is how I feel during these times when silence reigns over my friendship with Taj. He suffers from depression, and from time to time the illness hits so hard that it seems to not only break him down, but it also seems to pull us apart.
During periods like this, I seem not to exist for him. No matter what good experiences we've had in the past, none of that seems to matter. Perhaps he doesn't even think about me.
I know this is difficult for him. And I try to understand, but it's not easy to hold back all the emotions that I feel when he gets like this. It's not something he brings onto himself. Nor does he wish for this. But does he remember that I have feelings too? Does he know how painful it is on this end when he ignores any attempt I make at contact? How hard could it be for him to take a few seconds to tell me that he just needs time and won't be around to talk for a while. Or does he not care enough about my feelings for that. I've been there for him countless times. Offering a kind ear to listen to his complaints. His anger. Haven't I done enough to deserve a simple note from him that tells me he's okay and he just needs time alone?
Sometimes I wonder why I am so dedicated to this friendship. It's not easy. And it wears on me. There are times when Taj will go almost a month with very little contact with me. I question my role in his life. He tells me that he needs me. That I am important to him. But at time like this, I really wonder about that. I feel disposable. Like I don't matter to him.
Yet, I stick with him. I am always there when the depression lifts and he's able to return to life as it used to be. And as things go back to normal, I try and forget the uncertainties and frustrations of the past weeks. But I can't completely forget them. The pain that I felt when I was pushed away will always be there in the back of my mind. It will always linger. Does he have any idea how much it hurts me? I've never told him. And I don't intend to. It will only add undue pressure onto what is already a trying time for him.
Maybe it's my own selfishness that I feel. Maybe I need to understand his illness better.
Is it wrong of me to wish that Taj look past himself and see my feelings in all this? That maybe I worry and I care about him and what he goes through?
The frustration grows with each passing day. I try to reach out to the Force. Try to push away the anger I feel. But it hangs over me. Hangs over our friendship. And I think it always will.
I care about Taj. He is one of the closest friends I have. But sometimes I wonder if this friendship is worth it. Is it worth the stress and upset emotions that I feel when the depression hits?
I've spoken with Master Qui-Gon about this. He's really the only one available, because of Taj's wish to keep his illness hidden from other friends and Jedi. My master can say all those pretty words as he comforts me. Saying that in time everything will be okay, and I do appreciate his effort. But it doesn't stop my frustrations. My anger. My uncertainty.
For whatever reason, the Force has brought Taj and myself together. Perhaps it's because we need each other. I know I need him. But does he really need me? If I really mattered as much to him as he says I do...why don't I feel that? Why does he leave me to wonder and worry about the future of our friendship?
Is this selfish of me? Partially, yes. Taj is dealing with something that hurts his very soul. Crushes him enough so that all he wants to do during the day is sleep. It is selfish of me to think that he should be worrying about me when he's going through hell.
Yet, that still doesn't stop me from being angry. I put a great deal into this friendship.
Maybe I put to much into it.
Maybe it's time for me to just go away and not bother him anymore with my company.
But I can't do that. I care to much about him. We've been through a lot together. And I think that during these times, there is some part of Taj that cares about me as well.
For now, I am left to ponder what lies ahead for us. Will things ever return to the way they were. Past experience says yes. My heart and mind aren't so sure.
And that leaves me...uncertain.
END